MIA

Things havent been great. I just quit my job. My health is shitty. I have always been petitie and gained only 19 pounds during my pregnancy. I lost 4 pounds in the 9th months and lost all my pregnancy weight on Danny's birth. Since then I have lost 6.6 pounds fr0m my pre-oregnancy weight which was 105 pounds. TMI maybe. But I feel damn weak and losing weight cocsistently. Am breastfeeding, so we thought thats the reason. Whatever the reason, I got no energy what so ever. Yet....I LOVE being a mom :) Its all worth it...

The Unseen Life

Too many posts in day..maybe nobody is reading... I just read Nikki's blog and wanted to write down what I felt too...

How do you mourn the loss of something that didn’t even exist? How do you bid adieu to a soul who enriched your life, changes you forever—without even existing?In April 2007….The day had started like any. I had woken up happy and contended, a feeling that had been elusive these last few months. But finally everything was falling into place for me. After months of struggling with an inter-regional marriage, people around me seemed inclined to give me a chance. I was finally going for that long over due honeymoon… and I had that great job lined up…yes, life felt good that day.As I brushed my teeth, I had felt a sudden shrill pain on me lower abdomen. It was gone even before I realized it. “Well, its time” I had thought wearily. My periods were 2 days overdue, and I was never late. “What if…” I had left that thought unfinished, it was highly improbable; just one unprotected accident was unlikely to be the reason behind my late period.But as the thought lingered on. I had felt a slight thrill.. “What if..”“A penny for your thought” a smiling hubby had said as he watched me stand with that loony smile on my face. “Well, I think you better go and buy me that Home Pregnancy Test” I had told him with a naughty grin.I hadn’t expected him to be back within 30 minutes with the HPT. My hubby had been trying hard to be the good husband, but for him the HPT was nothing but another of my eccentric fancies.At 28, I was still a child. My hubby called me ‘my little woman’.“Should I do it”? I had asked excitedly, taken up with the idea of trying something new. Without even waiting for his response, I ran to the bathroom. I came out victoriously holding the test. “There I did it, If I was pregnant, there would have been another line right there” I pointed out to my hubby. “You mean that faint line”? “Which line”? I hurriedly took the test from his hand. The faint blue line was pretty evident now.“Oh Shit!” I felt the world blurring around me. Yes, I was pregnant.I had decided to wait for another day. There had been cases of false positive tests. I had been certain that I couldn’t possibly be pregnant. I was too young. I had been married for only 1 year.I was restless. I thought of my honeymoon plans. “Everything will be ruined”. I rued. Why? why now? Just when everything was falling into place. Finally when I could start enjoying my marriage. Why did this have to happen and rock my world?I had gone out and bought another test. The line was still faint, but it was there. As if the life in there was shouting “I EXIST”.My hubby had taken me to the doctor after coming back from office. The doctor told us that it was most likely that I was pregnant. But the line was too faint for anything to be certain. She had asked me to wait for a few days, to have patience.I sat with my hubby, numb. Nothing was discussed. It was obvious that we were not ready for the child.But something was happening to me. Unknown to me, a feeling of tenderness had crept in, tenderness for the life that was struggling inside my womb. Life that wanted to survive, that wanted see the green trees, the blue sky. “Maybe it will be a girl”, and maybe she too would like Elvis”. I sat dreaming, looking out of the window. Unconsciously touching my abdomen.Suddenly I realized! I was going to be a mother. My body had already accepted the fact. It was evident from the way I climbed the stairs, careful not to hurt my tummy. From the way I ate a little extra, as if already the life was seeking nurture from the world outside. Life suddenly took on new colours that I had never comprehended in all my 28 years on the planet.But my hubby went on with his life, oblivious to the fact that I was changing, that I no longer looked towards him for happiness. The doctor had asked us to come after 10 days. He was just counting the days, so I could pop that tablet, and this unwanted ‘worry’ could be put out of our minds. He was busy planning for our honeymoon…Seven days after the appearance of the faint blue line, as I stood in the kitchen, watching the milk boil over…dreaming of her “AAryana” that’s the name I had picked for her…suddenly I was engulfed with pain. A sudden throbbing pain shot through my abdomen. I clutched myself and ran to the bedroom. I tried to sleep. But the pain was so acute that I couldn’t sleep. I felt a sudden dread creep in. I went to the loo, and yes there it was, a drop of blood.I had struggled to go to bed, I sat there, without thoughts, without emotions…That’s how my hubby found me when he came back from office. “What happened sweetheart”? My hubby had asked worriedly.I had looked up at him, with that blank dead look. And then I burst out, hugging him tightly, I had let the tears flow… “The baby is gone, the baby is gone” I kept repeating….He had held me, feeling my pain but not understanding it.He had taken me to the doctor, where the doctor had told us in a very matter opf factly, fact way that this was an early miscarriage. 80% of the women go through this, In fact if we hadn’t gone for that HP Test, we would have just thought of it as a late period!But I knew. I knew it wasn’t just a late period. It was my baby.For days, I mourned the loss of ‘something that didn’t exist” for the world. In medical terms it was just a ‘false positive’, a fertilized egg that the uterus didn’t hold. How could I explain to anyone? Most people probably thought I was over it as no one asked me how I was doing, not even my best friends. Maybe they thought they shouldn’t bring it up. Most people thought that it wasn’t that far along so it shouldn’t be that big a deal. As if it shouldn’t hurt because I couldn’t feel it. No one else understands the emotional pain you go through months and months after a miscarriage. It feels like it will never go away. Not a day went by that I didn’t think about it what seems like a million times.This experience changed me, didnt let me enjoy my pregnancy, I was terrified throughout my pregnancy, no room for happiness thinking something could go wrong again.Things did get easier. It was an accident. We were not even ready for a baby at that time. Yet it hurt so badly when I lost the baby. Life goes on, but the fact is what I lost was also my baby, a baby I would never hold or see. ‘That life’ will never be a part of my life.

Super mom?

I just finished a month of taking care of danny, working five hours a day, cooking and doing all the house work..alone, without any help...feel mighty proud :-)...here is me, two and a half months after Danny's birth...

Sleep Deprived...

I need advice...

Should I leave Danny with MIL for 4 days and go Dubai for a conference? It will be great for my career but a part of me feels that at less then three months, Danny is just too young to be left without me...

My article

http://www.merinews.com/article/feminism-is-all-about-the-right-to-choose/15776474.shtml

Daddy

Missing him today. I wrote this post about him, wanted to share.

Danny @ 2 Months! pic

Time flies..

It seems like yesterday when I did took that HPT, and Danny will be 2 month old in 4 days! Time sure flies.

For a little 2 month old, Danny has managed to turn our lives upside down! he refuses to sleep beyond an hour during the day and refuses to sleep anywhere but my lap. Its tough but hey in a few months when he starts crawling, he will constantly ask me to put him down. This is the only time for me to really cuddle him right?

Do you like music?

It’s a question I have been asked numerous times. And I am always bewildered about what my response should be! Can any one not like music? What kind of music is the second question I am asked. Any kind!! I love music, whether it’s the swing of jazz, energy of rock, depth of blues or the head banging noise of heavy metal; I lap it all up. Although heavy metal is a little tough to handle!
Music is the universal language that speaks to everyone. I may not understand a word of a Spanish song, but its beats, rhythm, its life is enough to make me alive to it. Can some one really not like music? I keep coming back to this question because I am still to meet a person who does not like music! It is just not possible! I agree that the intensity might vary. But this article is about my passion for music so whether or not others appreciate this beautiful gift can be discussed later!
I cannot sing, but I admire and envy those who can. Music makes me alive; it gives my life a meaning even when all else fails to lift my spirits. Listening to a good piece of music can make a thousand miserable moments worth living for. When you hear your favourite song, you feel its being played especially for you, you feel you foot tapping. Music not only touches your body but engulfs your soul too. I think music is a very pure form of communication. Almost anyone can understand it.
Sometimes chords and melody and rhythm can say things that are beyond words. To me, music is the greatest drug in the world (not that I've tried very many)... it can pick me up, make me think, smile, sing, cry, dance... I really love to dance:happy That's another great thing about music. Music is meditation. At least for me. When I feel down and out, when the world seems all-bleak, all I need is a good song, and I am ready to face the world. I actually try and listen to good music right at the beginning of the day, and then I feel empowered, peaceful and happy!
What can beat the feeling of listening to your favourite Kishore Kumar number, sipping on a cup of tea, while the rain drenches the trees outside your window? Or humming on “kisiki muskurahato pey ho nisar” when feel a little low?
What can be more romantic than Niel Diamond crooning “play me”, or more nostaligic then “its yesterday once more” by the carpenters? The kind of music that reminds me of the people that i love most…

MOms please help!!!

Danny never sleeps more than 2 hours at a time..EVER!!! he constantly is twisting and turning and groaning in his sleep. His ped says it's gas and that he'll outgrow it. It breaks my heart to watch him try to sleep (not to mention that I'm getting NO sleep whatsoever!). I'm at my wits end as to what to do to help him. he doesn't eat enough to sleep any longer and I'm wondering if this has happened to anyone else's baby? he wakes himself at LEAST 20 times an hour due to the gas pains. It's so horrible! Any suggestions?

Sleepless in Hyderabad...

Anything for a good nights sleep....anyone wanna take Danny home for a day???

Hey Peeps

Am back!!!! Danny boy is almost 2 months old now and am back in action. had a tough tough delvery and am stll recovery - c-section. Dan was undrweight so am still working to help him gain weight. will post some pics soon. Hows everybody? do get in touch ppl....

I actuallly went into labour on 1st sept (begining of my 9th mnth) and had to be n the hospital for a few days to keep tp cntaraction in control. Was taking shots for almost 2 weeks and exactly the day I completed my 37th week, Danny decided he had enough. I had to rush to the hospital 4.30 n the morning! Was in labour for a few minutes but because of some heavy bleeding docs decded tht i was going to have a c-section. I was terrified! As they were wheeling me towards the OT, all i wanted was my mom. I was feeling so lonely, with mallik busy completing the formalities. And damn those ppl! they made me wait for 20 mins beofe i was given the injection. And in the middle of everything, I started retching. I felt like I was dying. eve the doc was scared... and suddenly i heard a cry. COldnt believe he was here. I asked if it was a girl or a boy and they said its a boy...I knew it from the begining. then i asked if i could see him and they brought hm to me, and i actually said in surprise "he is cute" yeah i am shallow.... then as they tok him away i shouted to ask his weight! and they said 2.5 kgs . I know thas low but we were worried he might not even tuch ths much. I had just gained 9kgs thru the pregnancy and lost 2 kgs in the last 2 qweeks. So i was very happy... was in the hopital for 5 days. My god, post pregnancy was so tough. Felt so helpless, as mom-in-law just took over Dan. I was unable tyo feed him for days and tht didnt help. But by the time i was back home i had taken control and by day 12, i was back in action.

Hey peeps, i have a pdf of Dans pics, if u want why dont u send me your email ID? my ID is chhandita@gmail.com.

start work from monday. WIll be working as an editorial consultant from home - 25 hours a week.

Baby Dan

Yes they are really naming him Dan..(Nick Name) He was 2.5 Kg...

Baby Dan

Baby Dan was born at 11:00 - 11:30 in the morning...

Mallik Jiju would be sending me the pics soon...!!

Even I am looking forward to see them together...

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnddddddddddddddd....























It's a Baby boy...

Congrats ppl....
And thanx for all your good wishes....
Chhandita is still in the hosp.... nothing to worry both of them are fine....

Count down begins....

Anyday now...

Hey ... This is Joy.... Chhandita's Lil bro... Jus filling in on her behalf...
She wanted to let you all know that she is fine and baby Dan may make his grnd entry any day now...

I am So ....... excited....!!

Will let you all know as soon as I get any news...

And Didi ... Sorry yaar i am not there with you this time around but will try to be there asap...!!
Chill maar ...

God Bless you ... & baby Dan too.. ;)

Been a long time...

Am back :-) well, am off bed rest, baby Dan is still inside, and everything seems to be in order. Mallik has sent my PC away till December as an de-addiction trial.. yup I was pretty addicted. So now I am at a cyber cafe. I will be checking my mails every week.

Am doing well! better then I have in the last 7 months. the month long bed rest helped a lot. Will be reading up on all your entries and comment :)

lotsa love...

Bed Rest - some prayers?

Been having cramps in lower abdomen... Been put on 2 week bed rest. Send some prayers and ask baby Dan to stay in there for at least 2 more months???

Second Trimester - Whoosh!!!

I am almost at the end of my 2nd trimester. In spite of all the physical discomfort, these last three months just flew away... It feels surreal that in a few days I will be in my seventh month...Whoa! Time sure is flying...

Physically, things are going from bad to worse. The painkillers helped me cope with the SPD pain a little, and a lot of lying on the bed made things a bit easier, but now my back and ribs have decided to NOT let me lie in the bed. So lets see, I cant walk too much of my pelvic bone starts killing me. I cant sit for too long for the same reason and now I can't lie down either (sleeping in any case has become an Utopia)... Things got really nasty this last week. my 11 year old brother in law got a bad cut and needed 6 stitches. So I was on his beck and call the whole week. He is back in school now, and I can rest a little.

Oh yeah, my haemoglobin levels have dropped to 9.9 so now I gotta work to get that in order too.

I shouldn't crib I guess but not easy ...

Emotionally, I feel lonely, and wish I had someone down here with me. My sister and mother are going to visiting me in August, so that is something to look forward to...I am not very good at asking people for emotional support, have really not needed much of it. Have always been a loner, and for my family, I have always been the strongest one (they got no clue how much hard work it took to get rid of all that emotional baggage)

But somehow i am also feeling stronger. I have fallen head over heels in love with this little rascal...

It is an amazing and an overwhelming feeling when your baby kicks inside your womb.... I watch my tummy for hours just to look at the kicks and movements... Yesterday, he was happily swimming around (it gets a little uncomfortable) and I *think* was poking me with his head. I gave a little pat, and right away, he kicked back. It almost felt like we were communicating. We kept the game up for 5 minutes, but then I guess he got tired and went to explore some other interesting part of the uterus... I know it was all my imagination, but it sure felt good ...

Right now, am a little scared about a pre-term baby, as SPD can cause pre-term labour. my sister had SPD and her lill daughter was born at 33 weeks...am asking baby Dan to stay put for at least another 10-11 weeks...

A question: IS it only me, or do all mom-to-be worry about ugly babies? I am definitely not a shallow person, but I don't want my child to go through what I did. Being compared to others and told that you are not good enough hurts, and can scar you for life...But no matter what, I will make sure my baby has a beautiful heart and soul...

I am done worrying...Keep telling myself my favourite phrase "God has a plan for my life, and that's all I need to know". Come on life, throw me whatever challenge you can think of, i WILL WIN, YOU JUST SEE...

PS: RIP Jacko...your music will live on...

Belly pics!

Finally, I managed to get some belly pics clicked.... at 24 weeks....Dont know what to do about the dark circles...guess I need to sleep more, but I dont see that happening in the near future...

SPD it is...

Went to the doctor, and told her about her about my doubts... During my previous visit she had told me that i was getting all these aches and pains due to calcium deficiency. She was obviously wrong! Now, its confirmed, I have SPD. Wonderful! Means am on partial bed rest, and a normal delivery seems more and more improbable.....

The pain is unbearable, and am on painkillers... Doc says, nothing can really cure it...But the painkillers will ease the pain a 'little'. I just want a little break so I can sleep....

Whatever.... and is anybody even reading my blog anymore? lol...i have had the urge to stop writing more then once..but well I tell myself am doing it for myself.... Hormonal? you bet...

When what you love is bad for you...

Here are a few pic of Hyderabad monsoon....a view from my window...

The Monsoon has arrived. After more then 4 months of kick ass heat, the rain has finally decided to show up...

I love the rain. Have always loved it... listening to the raindrops, watching the trees comes alive after the scorching summer... I love to get drenched and just go mad... This year, getting wet was out of question, didn't want to catch a cold (being preggo and having a cold is no fun)... But i realized that the rains will never be the same for me... With the first raindrops, i felt my knees and feet become stiff... Yup, my arthritis is making a comeback... The doctor had told me that the cold and moist weather can lead to a flair...

As if the bad ass pelvic pain wasn't bad enough, now my knees feel frozen. I was even scared to get down from the bed this morning and kept pretending to sleep till 10! I was just scared of the pain. But when there is a 11 year old at home waiting for food, you just cant keep sleeping...

I wish i could just let the house be in disarray, i wish i was not such cleanliness freak..... I wish I had some support system here in Hyderabad, i just want to be taken care of! Mallik helps as much as he can, but it just isn't enough. I don't want to call my mom over... I know that I will end up worrying about her instead of her helping me out. She has diabetes and high BP... She deserves to just rest instead of helping me out...

MIL can be asked to help, but I know how that will end, and I don't want all that unpleasantness...

Hmmm, self pity trip? everyone deserves to go on one, once in while, right?

PS: I just did some research and it seems that I have Diastasis Symphysis Pubis (DSP).

Its symptoms often include one or more of the following:
pubic pain
pubic tenderness to the touch; having the fundal height measured may be uncomfortable
lower back pain, especially in the sacro-iliac area
difficulty/pain rolling over in bed
difficulty/pain with stairs, getting in and out of cars, sitting down or getting up, putting on clothes, bending, lifting, standing on one foot, lifting heavy objects, etc.
sciatica (pain in buttocks and down the leg)
"clicking" in the pelvis when walking
waddling gait
difficulty getting started walking, especially after sleep
feeling like hip is out of place or has to pop into place before walking
bladder dysfunction (temporary incontinence at change in position) ..Just WONDERFUL...
knee pain or pain in other areas can sometimes also be a side-effect of pelvis problems
some chiropractors feel that round ligament pain (sharp tearing or pulling sensations in the abdomen) can be related to SPD

20 week scan

I got just the details, don't know how to post the scan image!


Single intra uterine live fetus in Breech presentation at the time of scan
.

Placenta: Anterior fundal and body grade I maturity.
Around 4.1 cm from internal OS
.Fetal movements are active at time of scan
.Fetal cardiac activity - 148 bpm and regular
.Amniotic fluid -
Adequate for the gestational age ( AFI - 14.5)

FOETAL BIOMETRY

B.P.D: 51.2 mm corresponding to 21 weeks 4 days.

F.L: 37.5 mm corresponding to 22 weeks 0 days.

A.C: 175.9 mm corresponding to 22 weeks 3 days.

H.C 188.1 mm corresponding to 21 weeks 1 day.

Estimated fetal weight : (EFW) : 476 grms.

EDD according to U/S : 09.10.2009

The best news? I have gained 3kgs!!! yupieee... But man, the aches and pains! My pelvic bone hurts like mad, when i am walking....

I have been trying for days now for Mallik to have the patience to feel one of baby Dan's formidable kicks (which I have been feeling for the last 2 weeks at least) and it happened yesterday night as we were watching Rush Hour 3 (bad bad movie yeah)... it was so awesome to watch tht expression on Mallik's face...priceless..

ADD: A lot of my friends have asked me about baby Dan's gender. Unfortunately in India we cannot ask for the baby's gender. It is illegal. This is to prevent female female foeticide. I do think its a boy though! just my gut instinct. What do you think?

A little love story...

She believed in soul mates

Monali sighed as she read the final lines of the novel she was reading. She had lost count of how many times she had read ‘Pride and Prejudice’. But each time she read it, she thought about soul mates. She looked around while putting the book back into her ‘jhola’. 30 minutes more in the bus home from office. The bus she was traveling in was filled to the brim, with hardly any space to stand. Perfume, mingled with the sweat wafted about her, but she didn’t mind. She had managed to get the coveted window seat. “Today is my lucky day” Smiled Monali, as she looked out of the window. In a bus, where even a tiny place to stand was precious, the window seat was nothing less then a treasure. This one and a half hour journey from office to home, in this unbelievable overcrowded bus, was her daily routine. Years of traveling in the local buses of Delhi had hardened her.

But this wasn’t Delhi, she remembered, and sighed again. Monali looked out towards the blinking lights on Kolkata’s smog filled streets and thought how similar these two places were, yet so different. She suddenly longed for the famous Delhi brashness; to hear Delhi’s punjabaiya Hindi, for home!

Her mind drifted back to the book she had just finished. And the rest of the world faded into oblivion. For the moment she was Elizabeth and he, Mr Darcy, she thought dreamily about Anubhav, her husband. “Only difference is that my Mr. Darcy isn’t quite so rich” Monali thought ruefully. She thought about her first Mills and Boon book. How long ago was it? 15-16 years? She, like so many girls her age had found romance in those pages and had formed the image of the perfect prince charming.

The magic of the book she had just finished was wearing off, and she was back in reality. As a 16 year old, Monali would have refused to accept that at 29 she would still be struggling, hanging on for dear life in an overcrowded bus. Her future was about prince charming, and a comfortable life, a life that was better than the daily financial struggles she lived through…..

Monali was a dreamer, had always been, but she was brave enough to face the reality and stand by her decisions. Marrying Anubhav was her choice. Marrying a man who earned half of what she did had drawn murmurs of disapproval from her otherwise liberal family. But Anubhav was an amazing human being – honest, loving, free-thinking, and he had the potential to make it big….Monali believed in him, and her belief and happiness was all her family asked for.

Yet, there were times when she wondered what it would have been like if she had agreed to an arranged marriage with that super rich commercial pilot? Or that business magnate who had taken a fancy to her at some family wedding?

“Not again” Monali thought guiltily as she touched her mangalsutra. “I love Anubhav” she told herself forcefully, and found she could believe her words still.

Life wasn’t a bed of roses, far from it. Monali did get tired of being the primary provider of the family even after four years of marriage, while Anubhav pursued his dream of becoming a musician. Paying the EMIs for a house that wasn’t even in her name, looking after the financial needs of Anubhav’s extended family did drain her out at times!

Was love enough? Was she being selfish in wanting a better life? Perhaps an easier life where it wasn’t a tough decision reaching for the simple things she wanted from life – being able to buy her favourite book or music, going for that vacation. She wasn’t materialistic. But was it too much to hope for a day when she could go to sleep without wondering what will happen if lost her job? She didn’t mind working; she had worked hard to reach the position in her career that could be termed successful. If she were single, her job as the assistant manager in a marketing firm would have given her a life of luxury. She loved the challenges of her work, the money it gave her. But she didn’t even have the freedom to spend the money at her will. The money was needed at home, to pay all those bills…..

Monali was rudely awakened from her reverie by the shrill laughter of a child. She turned to look at her new companion, a little toddler looking adoringly at his proud mother. Monali smiled at the child, drawing instant smile from the baby. She touched his fingers, feeling tears burning behind her eyes. She abruptly turned to her refuge, her window. How she longed for a child. Her emotions, her body longed to hold her child, Anubhav’s and her in her arms…But how could she? Anubhav wasn’t settled yet, even after 4 years of marriage…Monali couldn’t afford to leave her job to look after the baby, and Anubhav had made it clear that if they have a child, one of them will have to be a stay at home parent. Expecting an Indian man to be a stay at home dad was taking it too far, although Anubhav did suggest it a few times….. “No regrets”. Monali was getting angry with herself now; her negative thoughts were becoming too persistent. This wasn’t her. She was never like this; she was the fighter, the dreamer. Did the dreamer in her, just like the footsteps of her childhood, slowly disappear behind the misty haze of city life? She looked around to search for the innocent smile, the wide-eyed gaze, and all she could find was cynicism. Did she lose the child in her? Monali shivered at the thought. “Did I finally become one of them?? One of the adults I smirked at as a 13-year-old?”

A sudden tap on her shoulder jerked her out of her trance. The familiar face of the conductor loomed large as he said “madam aapnar stop”. Monali hurriedly picked her jhola, threaded her way out of the crowded bus. It was drizzling out side and there was a slight chill in the air, her favourite weather. She took a deep breath, closed her eyes and felt the first raindrops on her face. Monali looked deep inside her soul, and there she was, the little Monali she wanted back into her life. Little Monali smiled and said “I was never away; I am the one who feels the bliss when raindrops touches your face, when the smell of the wet earth wafts in! I am the one who closes my eyes and feels like I am in heaven, you can never shut me out, try as hard as you want” Monali opened her eyes and smiled! The smile of self-discovery! The smile broadened into a silent laugh as she watched Anubhav waiting for her in his age-eaten bike, drenched to the bone. The raindrops were rejuvenating her soul. Yes, she believed in soul mates. Hers was standing right in front of her. Together they will make it. Together they will make all their dreams come true…..

Yuck!!!

Yup, that's how I feel. Down with a cold - bad bad cold.... and cough and sore throat..cannot eat anything, haven't slept for more than 4 hours these last few days..body aches..YUCKKKKKKK

The big IF question

Two couples, same age, same physical condition. One gets married at the age of 27 and gets pregnant at the age of 28,only for the pregnancy to end in a miscarriage. Another 18 months go by, and finally the couple decides to move on and walk the adoption path. Miracle! They get a BFP the very next cycle!

The second couple gets married at the age of 29, in the month of February 2009, and bang in March they have their BFP! And guess what? They were not even trying!

The first couple is me and M, the second is my best friend Nidhi.

Yup, she is pregnant! I am very happy for her, I truly am. I know she is going through the worst phase of her life, after losing her mom to cancer.

And yes, I am definitely happier that I got my BFP before hers! I remember, posting a blog in November or December about my biggest fear being Nidhi getting pregnant before I did.

But I can’t help but wonder…What were we doing wrong? Is it some position we missed out on? Whats with these super fertile couples? How come two seemingly similar pair has such different experiences? I mean I still don’t understand how this works. How did WE get pregnant? We did nothing new, in fact we hardly even had sex! So is it really all about the big G-D will? I got NO CLUE!!

I wish I could figure out the mystery behind all this unexplained infertility phenomenon…

Also, does being in the IF universe mean we are more informed? I asked Nidhi about her ‘week’ and she says ‘don’t ask such technical questions’. Hmmmm….

Update: Almost 20 weeks, and baby Dan is moving around quite a bit! And he already likes Mallik more then me … How do I know? Well, this morning mallik just looked at my tummy and said come on, give her a kick, and within 5 minutes I felt like a dozen kicks…grrrr

I am feeling much better then before. Got a lot of energy, constantly doing stuff a round the house, eating nice…and getting big. I look pregnant!! But haven’t gained any weight…How is this happening, I got no clue…But that’s how things are today…

Mentally, am ok. Not feeling much, just going through my days…To end with, I want to share these beautiful lines i found in Khalil Gibran's Prophet. "On Children-"Give them your love but not your thoughts, they have their own thoughts. Strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you; life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday. House their bodies but not their souls, their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow, which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams..."

Marriage made in heaven?

Whenever I tell people that my husband is Telugu and that we had an interregional marriage people (mostly unmarried women) go “OH! How sweet”…

I am a Bengali, who was born and brought up in Delhi, and am married to a born and brought up in Hyderabad Telugu. Thanks to the Internet, we met, fell in love and decided to get married. The fact that he belonged to a different culture and spoke an alien language was never an issue with me. I wasn’t much of a Bengali myself. Growing up, I was surrounded by Punjabi friends and was more at home with rajma chawal then maachh bhaat. My ex boss even began calling me ‘fake Bengali’. Can’t blame her really, after all I don’t fit into the typical Bengali women image at all. A typical Bengali is ‘supposed’ to love sweet (I don’t), Maachh (gave up non-vegetarian food at 19), and Bengali literature (My only exposure to Bengali literature were my school text books!)

So I considered myself to be the multi cultural woman, at home with all differing cultures, capable of adapting and adopting different ways of life…

The problems started when we started discussing the wedding logistics. They wanted the wedding to be in Hyderabad, I said Delhi, They agreed but only if the wedding was conducted in the typical Telugu tradition. I agreed. I was already learning the sine qua non of marriage – Compromising! The eight hour long marriage ceremony gave me a glimpse of the things to come. The muhurat was for 3 in the morning! And we were sitting in the mandap from 10pm! And it all ended at 6 am! I was later informed that the Pandit had actually taken liberty and cut short the wedding rituals!

As I made my way to the station after the marriage, leaving behind everything I knew, loved and understood, my sister whispered in my ears “Best of luck”. I knew at that moment that my life had changed forever; the adventure had begun!In the train I sat surrounded by my new family, all chattering away, laughing at jokes I didn’t understand. I must have looked stupid sitting there staring at their faces, I must have been trying my hand at telepathy I guess…What were they saying?? I clung to my husband, not because I was home sick (that hadn’t set in yet) but because I could talk to him. He spoke my language!!!!

In Hyderabad, a constant stream of my husband’s relatives came to inspect the new bride. Well, they were not too happy of course. They had hoped for a nice traditional Telugu bride, and here I was: the shorthaired, salwar clad girl from Delhi. They came, smiled and asked me “do you know Telugu?” I replied with the only word I had managed to learn “Kuncham kuncham” (A little). That satisfied them for the time being. …

Meal times were a punishment. The food! It was rice in the afternoon, rice for dinner, and at times even for breakfast! I missed my daily dose of chapattis! If I had to eat them, I had to make them myself. Well I decided that is was easier to learn to appreciate rice (thanks to my Bengali genes I guess!)…I also learned the art of drifting into my world of daydreams, while my eyes wore the look of intense involvement in the conversation-taking place around me, of which I couldn’t decipher a word!

And how can I forget those never ending rituals, which were very much a part of my husband’s family, but were completely alien to me. Before marriage, the one event that was remotely religious to me was Durga Puja, and that too had lost its sheen over time… I was a spiritualist who did not believe in Idol worship, who was married into a family whose idea of a vacation was going for a pilgrimage!

3 years have passed, I still communicate with my grand mother in law in sign language! Although my knowledge of the language has improved, I prefer to let people learn hindi instead. I have actually learned how to make dosas and ear curd rice…

I still crave to hear Bangla. I call and speak to my mother for hours, some times just for the pleasure of hearing the beautiful language that’s my mother tongue.

Now everything ‘Bengali’ appeals to me. I have re-discovered Rabindranath Tagore, I enjoy the neo-Bengali rock music. The ‘shakha pola’ are my ultimate fashion accessories; I could even smell Durga Pujo in the air last October! I have discovered the Bengali in me. Now a simple Bengali phrase heard in the bus puts a big grin on my face, now my interests lingers on the Bengali channels for a little while longer then usual….

I miss the much-hated Delhi winter chill, sitting under the razai, eating moongfalis and indulging in some heated adda sessions.

I am adapting to Hyderabad too, and it almost feels like home now, but can it ever replace the city and culture I left behind? This feeling has nothing do with regionalism and everything to do with a sense of identity. Inter-regional marriages are ‘sweet’ all right, but they are also lots of hard work and understanding. I have realized that my individuality means a lot to mean and I have also learned to draw a line on how much I am willing to compromise. I don’t ask my husband to learn Bengali and he doesn’t ask me to learn Telugu. Both of us have our distinct eccentric identities, and I don’t think either of us has to give up on our beliefs to make this marriage work…. Oh btw, I have told everyone that my child will have a Bengali ‘mukher bhaat’ (the first time the child eats solid food)!!

PS: Dare I say it? I am scared. I am four months pregnant and scared.

People who know me will ask why? After all I have been trying to have this baby for almost 2 years, and now that I finally have this life growing inside me, why this dread? No, I am not talking about the dread of losing this baby (I live that fear every day. A day havent gone when I have allowed msyelf to feel some connection with the baby. I guess I am just trying to protect myself).

I am talking about the dread of what life will be after these nine months. How much will I change? Will I cease to be the person I am, I was? I will be called selfish, I will be branded a bad mom, but I refuse to let my feelings be held hostage to other’s views. Life as I know it will change. Although I plan to go back to work within six months of my baby’s birth, things won’t be the same.

Will Mallik and I share the same relation? Will we have the same easy going laid back life that we have now? Will I retain the childlike enthusiasm that helped me through life till now? That helps me see everything through the eyes of a child? Questions like these scare me.

Don’t misunderstand me. I do want to be a mom and have this baby but i do have this gnawing fear of losing myself. I want to ensure that I will have an existence beyond my baby. Selfish? Yes I am. I refuse to grow old, bitter because I didn’t take care of myself. I know it is possible to live your own life and be good parents. I intend to do just that. I have always told all my friends not to let their lives revolve around their kids. It is time to walk the talk. I am not just someone’s daughter, sister, friend, wife, and mother. I am also me, an individual, I am all these relations, yet I am much more, just like everyone else is. Some women are happy being just someone’s mom, or wife. I am not.

Death is the ultimate reality

Nidhi and her mom - October 2008.

Cancer has stolen another life. A life which was much loved. My best friend, Nidhi’s mom died yesterday. Nobody even told me – they wanted to protect me. I only discovered this morning.

How can you not tell a daughter her mother has died? Because that’s what she was, almost my mother. She fought the battle bravely for almost 2 years and finally gave up. In December, the doctors had given her a clean bill – the cancer was gone, and Nidhi got married in February. And it came back…. This time more powerful. We didn’t have time. We lost her within a month.

I am so glad I went to Delhi last month. Maybe that was the reason I actually went. To see her, to talk to her – for the one last time.

Her house was like my own, I could go there anytime of the day, and she would welcome me with an open smile. She loved to feed me, and this last time too, she cooked my favorite, and some lassi too. She knew I loved lassi.

I was 14 when I met her, almost 16 years ago. I grew up in front of her. I have cried, and the tears are still flowing. I wish I could talk to her one last time, but every time I called her this last month, she was too ill to talk to me.

Cancer- It kills you a million times before it actually kills you physically. It took away my dad when he was only 55. Now it has taken away aunty, she was just 54.

I feel orphaned.

Sperm Education - A new twist on an old joke

The newly born sperm was receiving instructions in conception from the instructor."As soon as you hear the siren, run for the tunnel and swim in a straight line until you get to the entrance of a damp cavern. At the end of the cavern you will find a red, sticky ball which is the egg.Address it and say, "I'm a Sperm." She will answer, I'm the Egg." From that moment on you will work together to create the embryo. Do you understand?" The sperm nodded affirmatively and the instructor said, "Then, good luck!"Two days later, the sperm is taking a nap when he hears the siren. He wakes up immediately and runs to the tunnel. A multitude of sperm swim behind him. He knows he has to arrive first. When he nears the entrance to the cavern, he looks back and sees that he is far ahead of the other sperm.He is able to swim at a slower pace but does approach the red, sticky ball. When, at last, he reaches the red, sticky ball, he smiles and says, "Hi, I'm a sperm."The red sticky ball smiles and says, "Hi. I'm a tonsil."

Update: 16w1d - All is calm. Waiting for the flutters in my tummy to finally mean baby Dan and not some gas bubbles. Still have time for that. Eating like a pig (but all healthy. I never liked junk food.) Its all fruits and veggies. No weight gain yet. Good thing or bad? We will leave that to the doctor to decide when I go to meet her this Saturday.

The house is peaceful and empty. Grand MIL and Akhil (Mallik's cuz brother) are not at home. Won't be till 10th May. I love this peace, although I miss Akhil, but I can manage 20 days.

Ok, time for another snack. Signing off.

Hurrahhhhhhhhhhh

Shalini just got her much deserved BFP, please go give her a hug. Am so so so happy for you S!!!

Update: MIL was here yesterday. Wanted to throw me the indian version of a baby shower, i refused. So anyone out there want to throw me a virtual baby shower? lol..kidding....Am doing good..nothing much to report, just that I am praying for everyone I know in the IF world to get their BFPs soon..

I don't belong...

anywhere it seems... I certainly don't belong to that group of happily pregnant women, because well, i just don't feel one of them, and of late I have started feeling that I may be intruding in the IF community... But I am still suffering from IF, if that makes sense...well, just face the world and move on I guess...

My niece

This is Paakhi, my youngest niece. Paakhi means bird in Bengali.

PS: I am 14 weeks 6 days today. Time sure is flying!!

Here is a post i wanted to write. Shelby has written it so well, and it reflects exactly how I feel.

http://dochaschronicles.blogspot.com/

Emptiness...

I went to the doctor and she asked me to get an urine test done. Found trace of protein and am now on antibiotics. Feeling pretty sick.

And lonely...

Update: It rained today, and it’s like heaven ... Everything looks pure and pristine. The trees are dancing to a silent song I long to hear. The birds are happy too I guess. I can hear them sing. I watch the raindrops fall on my window, and life seems perfect, right now right here.

On days like today, when things are perfect, my heart just flies back in time - remembering the days gone by....days spent with friends, jumping over puddles, singing along our favorite songs, without a care in the world....And today all those days are just memories, beautiful memories that make me cry. Days have fled......, why cant I relive those moments? I know I cant, and that’s what makes things more difficult....I am reminded of a song ‘Its yesterday once more’...so true to what I feel now...I know this feeling will pass, and I will go on living my present life as I should....But this moment, when the memories refuse to leave me alone, when all I want is to be a 13 year old again, is precious too. Friends, I miss them so...Maybe, just maybe, if I had my friends around, I wouldn’t feel so much pain on a beautiful day like today, if they were around I would have created new memories with them......

Help?

I am in pain. My lower back and lower abdomen hurts and its difficult for me to even sleep at night! I don't want to ask my family or doctor because they always say i am just imagining stuff...Even if I stand for too long, my thighs and abdomen starts hurting...any ideas? Am not asking Dr Google yet, hopefully will get some answers here...

Peace

I am at peace.

It was a moment of total spiritual bliss and it filled me with awe and peace. While flying back home from Delhi, I was holding my belly and praying for baby Dan’s safety. The last three months were filled with anxiety and pure dread.

In Delhi, everyone commented that I didn’t look happy. Wasn’t I happy that I was pregnant? I had been trying for so long after all (by their super fertile standards). I tried to explain the reason, the fact that trying for so long had left a scar, and that I could never take anything for granted. Did they understand? Guess!

But I don’t blame them. I have seen my face in the mirror these last few months, and I have seen it become drawn and sad. I never really accepted this pregnancy. Always waiting for something to go wrong. I guess I didn’t want to jinx it by feeling happy about it.

So the fear was present while flying back, when suddenly I glanced out of the window. We were flying over a sea of clouds, and suddenly I was filled with joy. I suddenly saw beauty in it all again. I saw a higher power in every speck of this universe. I felt myself relax after months, and my heart was filled with love and peace.

Came back home, and there was some brown discharge. Was I scared? A little maybe, but then I thought this was just the inevitable. Next morning (26th) we went for our scheduled 12 weeks appointment with my doc and I told her about the discharge. She looked worried. We went for our scan, where I just looked away from the monitor. As she searched around, I felt calm, funnily enough. Suddenly she said to Mallik “and here is the head” She then turned the monitor towards me, where Mallik and me watched baby Dan swimming around, measuring one week ahead! I have a low lying placenta, so have been asked to avoid traveling.

Yeah, that was my birthday gift. I think my smile would have lit up a whole town. Mallik and I were calm. We are happy baby Dan is healthy, but I am happier that I don’t feel emotionally crippled any more. I am really at peace. Even my mother-in-law cannot fluster me at this point…

Last year, I had spent my birthday evening alone at home, crying, feeling all lonely and unloved. This year, Mallik was away at work but I called a few of the girls who stay near my apartment and had a small party – complete with a birthday cake and some party games. Mallik is surprised to see me like this. He was completely shocked by my reaction to his announcement that he will have to go out for 2 days in April to attend his managers wedding. I simply said “great, you will have a great time am sure”.

I am not surprised. This, after all, is the real me! Happy in my own skin, and wishing to go out there and hug all you wonderful girls…….

A quckie

AM back!!! oh ya, I know the whole Blogosphere was waiting for me with baited breath....

The trip was good but tiring. Just came back around an hour back so just writing a quick update.

Tomorrow is my 30th Bday, will write more about it later.

and yeah, i had a little bit of brown discharge. Am I worried? Am really too tired to worry anymore, all this worrying is draining me out...

Quick Update

Well, Mother-in-law called Alekhya (my favourite sister-in-law) and asked her to ask me to call MIL whenever i want to eat something and whether she can come down and stay with us so she can cook for me. 'She wants me and baby to be healthy you see'. Baah, where was she when I was sick with arthritis, and had to do all household chores? We all know why she is all helpful now...

This is the message i conveyed to her "I never asked you to leave. This is your son's house and you don't need my permission to come stay here. But you definitely don't need to come here for ME!!! Come and stay, but don't try to help me"

I am happy I got my point across. Now I wait for the tsunami....

PS: wanted to update you girls about our adoption process. No, we have not given that up. We are planning to go forward with the process, but have just postponed it till after October. We always wanted 2 kids :-).. but yeah we are being selfish and decided that we want one of each gender, so we wait till this year end to start the process...

Craving!!!

I finally took some medicine to help me with my nausea. I was just losing too much weight and feeling too weak.

Today am 10w4d. And since yesterday, I am craving, guess what? MEAT!!! Damn man!! I haven't had meat for the last...10-12 years! Yesterday Mallik made me eat chicken.. I always remembered that meat tastes good. I have never refuted that fact. But I had enough self control not to eat MEAT. But now my body is demanding it. Not my mind. My mind is feeling sick with guilt. I know that even if I do eat meat through my pregnancy, I can give it up again after the baby is born, but that's not enough. I don't want to eat meat. There is a reason why I stopped eating-no matter how stupid that reason maybe for others- I love animals too much to eat them!

What kind of a hypocrite am I? Shish....

PS: I am going home to Delhi on the 20th of this month. Just for a week, but really really happy to be able to see my family again...

On the brink..

I am on that brink. On this side is laughter, love and LIFE, on the other side is darkness, darkness of depression. I know that darkness, I lived in that darkness for years and I do not want to go back. yes, I am scared... It may have been triggered by the hormones, but I know I can slide back there.

This article was published a year back. I needed to go back to it to remind myself that miracles happen, that deep inside our souls is a spark of light that can lighten even the darkness of hell.

http://www.tehelka.com/story_main38.asp?filename=hub290308personalhistories.asp

Maybe someone out there will get a few moments of hope with this article.

Award!!

I finally got an award... I was about t0 blog about how left out i felt - everyone is winning awards -left, right and centre- sob sob... I think Nikki is kinda psychic or something! I mean she went out of her way, to expand the list to include my name in it... love ya Nikki... But first I want to do this Honest scrap thingy. No one really nominated me, but heck, I love to talk about myself, and THIS IS my blog after all!


1. I cannot make friends. I am a super friendly person, but when it comes to making friends, I just cannot! I am a loner who just loves to talk (confusing? ask my husband, he still don't know why he married me!)
2. I hate religion! I think religion is the reason behind all the hatred in this world... I just wish people will follow god and forget about religion.
3. I practiced Buddhism for 4 years but then realized that organized religion is just not for me. I cant live by rules.
4. I think the hottest guys is this world is Antonio Banderas!
5. I started smoking when I was 16 (that too in school, and I studied in an all girls school). Chain smoked for a year or so, then one day just gave up.
6. I love to dance... Put on some good music and you just cannot keep me away from the dance floor. Its becoming difficult with each passing day. I know one day, my arthritis will make it impossible for me to dance. I dread that day.
7. When I was 17, I helped my friend to run away from home as her parents where forcing her to get married. What a mess it was! we helped her get a house on rent, gave her a hair cut and helped her get a job. What happened? the police started haunting me and my family. But am mighty proud that I never spilled the beans. Sad part? they found her and she got married.
8. I am suffering from pregnancy guilt. I still don't feel like I deserve to have a baby. There are so many wonderful women out there who have faced much more then me!
9. I love my brother. So much so that I can die or kill for him. I can do anything to keep him happy.
10. I am pretty self centered! I love myself and love to talk about myself too.

Ok, now here is the Award the Nikki nominated me for

Here are the rules:

Put the logo on your blog or post.

Nominate at least 10 blogs with great attitude and/or gratitude.

Be sure to link to your nominees in your post.

Let your nominees know they have received the award by leaving them a comment on their blog.

Be sure to link this post to the person who nominated you for the award.

I nominate:
1) S

2) Margelina

3) Mandy
4) A decade of BFNs

5) XboxX (ok so HE might be a little offended by this sisterhood award, but his blog so deserves all the awards it can get!)
6) Emily
7) NH
8) Danelle
9) Sue

10) Michelle

It must be the Hormones...

Well, yeah, am just bored....

Today am 8 weeks 5 days pregnant, pretty cool eh? No puking thankfully, but nausea comes and goes. Doctor says my uterus is growing nicely (it better be, all those cramps have to lead to something)....and am super tired, i mean super super super tired.........

But the worst.... am being a bitch, the hormones have really kicked in and I can just shoot a few people... am not talking about being sad and lonely (thats something I am trying to deal with), am talking about being super cranky and hating my in laws!!!

MIL was here over the weekend, oh and they are being so so so sweet, telling what to eat, asking where we are going, asking me not to travel, telling Mallik not take me out....the best part? Mallik shouted at them!!! and told them that he will do what he wants to do...ye ye ....

Am a bitch, right? I mean am waiting for the baby to come so can take revenge on them ***EVIL GRIN***...wait till they discover that their beloved grand/great grand son or daughter will not grow up in their culture. Wait till I tell them that my child will grow up castless and not as a freaking Brahmin... wait till they discover that I will not sit down with my child for any of their pujas...wait till they find out that I have already decided on a name for the kid and IF i have a girl, man oh man, i cant wait till they discover that we propose to ADOPT our second child - a son!!! (we have postponed our adoption procedure. Will start it after October. WE always wanted 2 kids)

I cant wait till I refuse to take anything from my MIL as gift. If she wants to give anything, she better give it to her son...I have NOT forgotten how she took back the gold bangles and rings, which she had gifted me....I DONOT want anything from her... and I definitely will not need her to babysit my baby...I am waiting to teach my child Bengali and waiting for them to UNDERSTAND finally that I will never become TELUGU just coz i am married to one, and that my child will be half Bengali....

Ok, enough ranting...signing off now...so long girls.....

PS: I have lost 2 kgs, not something I am happy about..trying to force myself to eat now....Doc says its not a problem and that i will start gaining weight after the first trimester...but she forgets how hard it was for me to gain weight in the first place...sigh...there goes all the junk food I ate...

Loneliness...

To start with, I went to the doctor today and she says everything is ok. She refused to do a scan saying I don't need it.

But I feel so lonely... In a city which is just so far away from everything I called home... I wish I could make friends, but I cannot... my husband is great, but is also fiercely independent, I CANNOT cling to him all the time can I? maybe he can spend more time with me, but he needs his time off. Every weekend i get a day with him, and his friends get a day. I am actually ok with it but what do I do when I feel so fucking lonely? I have been fighting it with all I have for the last 3 years. It is suffocating, for a person like me who just needs to talk, who just needs to be hugged at times... I feel all alone in this city... the language, the customs, everything is still so alien... why have I now been able to make it home yet? why does my heart still crave for Delhi?

I am sorry I am ranting, and in this self pity mode. Am not allowed to be weak ANYWHERE, this is the only place I can be weak and feel sorry for myself.

I don't feel loved, even when Mallik is around, which just too rare. He leaves home at 9am and comes back anytime between 11pm-1am (now that his exams are around, things are gonna much more difficult). On weekends, he goes to college Saturday morning, comes home at around 3 and then spends the day with me. Sunday is his day with his friends... I have tried talking to him...asked him to spend some more time with me... but this is one thing he needs in his life... if he is at home for too long, he feels suffocated and becomes pretty bitter. He never refuses me anything but this... and I ask him for nothing more then his time...

I am scared and lonely. I am having suicidal thoughts and I don't want to feel so negative...I just need ... a life....

7w6d

Does this usually feel like this? I feel like am living somebody else’s life. My mind is all foggy and am just feeling like I Don’t know myself anymore!

I have some kinda nausea, not too much, but it’s an omnipresent presence now. I get dizzy at times, and mornings are especially horrible. I CANNOT stand the heat. And here in Hyderabad it’s already summer… Am super tired and still cannot eat much. But it’s better then before.

TMI: Am not sure, but I think I spotted yesday, and today too. Am not sure if its blood or the usual pregnancy discharge – it’s so light, I can hardly see it…Am thinking of going to the doctor tomorrow instead of waiting for Saturdays appointment.

Keep me and baby Dan in your prayers. I will update tomorrow.

Real Women have curves!

Am too lazy to type something fresh, so I reposting another old post, inspired again by Margelina :)

A lot is discussed about the problems faced by overweight women. I am still to come across an article discussing the problems faced by naturally thin women. Naturally thin women …They do exist!! They do face discrimination, and life is as tough for them as it is for an overweight woman…. Today, people from all over the world want to ban skinny models. Now skinny is OUT. When was it ever IN? Oprah Winfrey went as far as to say that ‘Real women have curves”! Well, then I am not much of a woman!! I am 5'2 and Weigh about 105 pounds. Skinny? Yeah, that I am, super skinny—But Anorexic? NO!!!!!...Not all skinny girls/women are anorexic, or suffer from some eating disorder. And they are real women too! But who is going to listen. I have always been skinny, tried everything under the sun to put on weight. All those high calorie diets, visits to the doctor, working out in the gym, even taking birth control pills with a non-existent sex life!! Nothing worked. I was 85 pounds for at least 10 years. No fluctuations. My weight just refused to move.

I tried hard to accept myself, to make peace with my body, but the whole world seemed more worried about my weight. I had strangers coming up and asking me to eat something. I tried being polite and smile, I tried being rude and telling them to sod off. I actually came up with witty remarks to get at them. Once when a filled out Punjabi aunty (In Delhi), sitting besides me in the bus, remarked “why are you so thin beta, don’t you eat anything?” I replied, with my best poor me look “ No, Aunty, my mother refuses to feed me, can I come and eat at your place”. I know it was rude of me, but I do run out of patience. I still get those comments, so I m learning to just ignore them. I am 28 now, and I look 18-20. I am pretty happy actually (who wants to look old huh?) I got married last year and have put on a little weight after that, but I have to put on like 15-20 pounds more before it shows on my body.

It’s not easy being skinny. People stare at me and make comments, which are plain and simply INSULTING. I am a happy, healthy 28-year-old woman. Though, people refuse to accept the healthy part. Once when I went for a blood test, the lab technician told me “Oh, you are anemic” poor man, couldn’t look me in the eye, while handing the report. A HB count of 12.8 is anything but anemic! I have a small built, and no matter how much weight I put on, I can never be voluptuous. Period. But I have faced such insulting situations that they have left a deep scar on my psyche. My boyfriend left me when I was 16 and told everyone “she is too skinny". I cried, I scratched my body. I hated myself. It took me years to even look myself in the mirror. In college, during one of my interviews, the first thing that the professor asked was "have you heard of anorexia?” It took immense self-control to stop the urge to stand up and slap him. Instead I calmly replied, "I don’t have anorexia, can we now go on with the interview?” For years, I have faced those scornful stares. Just because I don’t fit into that idea of what a woman should look like!! No matter how much I have achieved as a career woman, or as a sister, daughter or wife, I am still branded as that skinny girl.

We all want to feel beautiful -- fat or thin, short or tall, dark, or fair. Why can’t we just let people be? Why can’t we let people be happy and beautiful from inside? I just read a forum asking if guys just liked skinny girls. Why even ask? Guys will like what they have to like. We girls have to first like ourselves. My husband, my family, my friends love me not because I am pretty, or skinny. They love me because I am a fighter, a survivor. We are much more then our face or our body. We are people with our unique individuality.

I am not someone who will win a beauty pageant; but then, I am not someone who will win a noble prize for literature either… With or without curves, I am still special…. because I am me! In love with my skinny self.

Don't laugh!

you are pregnant...

Good News: MIL left on tuesday....

Bad News: Granny is still here. She is driving me mad. My patience, which generally is, well very patient, is running thin.

Yesterday was my anniversary, and i was playing some silly party games with my SIL and BIL, and generally laughing my ass off...suddenly granny calls my SIL and tells her to tell me not to laugh so loud, coz yeah am pregnant... fuck off mate! I just told me SIL to close my bedroom door and I continued laughing. I DONOT do what others tell me to do, its time this woman realizes that.

Today as i was helping my SIL (She is staying with me for 10 days, I simply love her. She is just 19!) get ready for a wedding, granny suddenly sees me taking out a new pair od slippers and ask "where are you going?"

I have never ever taken permission for going out, never asked her for permission for anything..does she think tht just because I am pregnant, i will somehow change? Do they feel that I owe them something? This is my pregnancy, this is my baby. They were never understanding when i was suffering from IF and suddenly grrrrrrrr.....

But m really not letting these women spoil it for me. Yesterday was a great day! Everybody I love, called to wish me. Even Nidhi, my best friend, who is in the middle of her honeymoon, called me at midnight to wish me! My friend suhasini sent me a bunch of roses all the way from bangalore...i felt loved :)

PS: I am having trouble eating. No M/s but i just dont want to eat... i need to eat coz am underweight... help?

STOP ME...before i kill someone!!

Damn damn damn...i am typing this again coz my PC decided to delete my previous post!!!

MIL is here for a week... and am ready to just kill all of them... there are now 4 OLD telugu ladies at home. All they do all day is gossip and watch all those devotional TV channels... CAN i have the TV for sometime WOMEN?

I hate my MIL... (who doesnt?) but generally I cope Ok, but right now m just stretched to my limit... (MIL doesnt know m pregnant)

Granny stays with us, and I manage her somehow... but she is such a 2 faced --- Before my pregnancy, she couldnt care less when I was ill, but now she is fawning over me!! Am I now right in feeling disgusted? and over that she doesnt even talk to me in front of MIL, so not to offend MIl!! Thankfully am not expected to smile and be happy...i hate her and it shows..

They talk so LOUDLY man....HELP, or am gonna end up killing all of them...

I miss my family, i miss my mom :-(

Sorry girls...but where else can I rant?

Ahem!

The u/s report says " Single, viable intrauterine pregnancy of 6w3d. Yolk Sac + Foetal Pole + Cardiac activity = positive."

ahem ahem...i saw the 'blob' as u call it....and i saw the heartbeat....WHOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA...it is really happening!!!!

But as i read in so many blogs, once an infertile, always an infertile. I still don't feel like one of THEM..guess never will... I am so happy to have you people and those who shared my IF journey with such compassion, to be a part of this new journey. But as of all the others- I still cringe when they try and show love and affection. I cannot accept them as part of my happiness....

Tomorrow

Ultrasound scheduled for tomorrow. I will be 6W3D by then. What to expect?

All my symptoms have all but disappeared and am just tired of surfing the net looking for possible answers...

Till tomorrow then...

Dont just Survive-LIVE!

This is old post which no one really read. But I just read Margelina's post about dreams and wanted to share...

Yesterday I was talking with (actually chatting) an old, dear friend. We were together in college and shared some really good moments together. Like me, she was not a person who made a dozen friends. We liked our cozy group, mad, whacky, and so in love with life. We had big dreams, and the one thing that really kept us together was our love for life and laughter. We loved to laugh, and to make others laugh. Nobody could understand the secret behind our-non stop laughter. They did not know our soul. We were simple people, bunking college to watch Dil Chahta Hai, taking off in the peak of summer to watch the Taj Mahal, traveling in a general compartment, filled with smelly people. But nothing could dampen our spirits. When all the other girls were busy preparing for their exams, we were munching on samosas and watching the rain. And lo behold, when the results came in, not only did we pass, but did so with flying colors (did some one say guardian angel?).

And the passion for filmmaking! That was our passion. When we had to make projects for our collage (studied media), we always ended up in the same team. Our first film. Well it was a 10 minute short project called “Only You”, about patriotism. Now when we watch it, all the jumps, nasty sound recording, and the tacky production splits me up. But at that time, it was our baby. When our lecturer asked what we would like to change about the film, we said in one voice “NOTHING”. Three years of pure bliss, romance, fun, dreams and above all laughter.

But time passes doesn’t it?We passed out of college. And ‘She disappeared’. No phone calls, no emails. She simply vanished from the face of the earth. The remaining members of the group hung on together. We fought our way through heartache, disillusionment, and depression. We tried to hold onto our dreams, but watched helplessly as they slipped through our fingers. But we did not give up on our dreams. So what if we couldn’t make films. It still could be our hobby, the one love, so we planned. Saving money, hiring cameras, making that dream film. That dream is still alive. One day, yes one day, we will do it.

Than she came back into our lives. My life mostly. It was like old times, we laughed. And than we went back to our lives. Today she is in Bangalore, working for a big bank. I am working as a freelance writer. All four of us live in 4 different cities. But I still have that love for life. I still have dreams. I still laugh till my stomach hurts. But she doesn’t. She says she has changed. She says if she becomes the girl she was, her partner wont accept it.Those are the words I read yesterday. And I cried. I cried for those lost days. I cried for the lost innocence. And I cried because people cant love us for the people we are.

I am still holding on. As I always say, I don’t just want to survive, I want to live. Don’t stop laughing, don’t lose your soul in the mad rush of ambition. Don’t give up on your dreams, no matter how impossible they maybe.Don’t Just Survive, LIVE!!!!!

Good News

Mallik just got a 50% salary hike!! am so happy..can't begin to tell you what this means to us :)

Also the folks at my office have asked me to serve to 2 month notice period from home :) so I lose nothing ...yeye

Friend

This post is for Nidhi-my best friend. We have been freinds for almost 20 years now. And today she is getting married..I won't be there and that breaks my heart..she needs me and I want to be there to just give her a hug..but she knows I cannot travel...we just spoke on phone and both of us were crying...all she wants is for me to have this baby....this baby...

God please let the baby grow, not only for e but for all those people who are praying for me...

I love you Nidhi...Am so so sorry

Back with a bang

Nausea is back, with its best friend M/s..... I finally feel the bean might just stick around...Ok Ok Dan..baby WILL stick!!!

You girls are just amazing man!! what would I do without you guys eh? So the due date is 8th October... I am allowing myself to look ahead now...

I am pretty convinced I am going to have a boy. Why? Well whenever I think about the bean, I see a little boy sitting on a tree (TREE? Don't ask man..I can not control my imagination!).

For the last 1 year 8 months, we tried everything possible to get this bean to settle in, but now when I think of that phase, I see this kiddo sitting with a naughty grin on his TREE (ufff)... saying " So you think am gonna come when YOU want? No way man, I will come when I want to grace you little people with my presence. With every failed cycle, he laughed a little louder. And now this last month, when we almost gave up, he said " ok now you guys are ready!"...

I think am gonna have my hands full with this one. He is gonne be one INDEPENDENT BRAT!

@ DAN if I do have a boy, I am calling him Dan, if a girl Danelle. You better send me your pics, I have to show the baby who S/he is named after!

PS: NOBODY told me it was going to be so tough...the nausea is mad as hell, I EXTREMELY tired...and just feeling BLAH...

I had my first set of blood work done. had to get my blood sugar tested as my mom has diabetes... Everything is OK...

One good thing-My arthritis symptoms have really subsided, thank God for that!

Am turning into a cranky bitch-and pretty demanding (generally am the least demanding person). But Mallik is being an angel. Yesterday I just told him I was having trouble shampooing my hair (Ok so I lied ;0) and he very willingly shampooed my hair. We also went out to do our anniversary shopping yesterday (Anniv is on the 18th). Na dhe bought me all over sized clothing he he he...

muaahhhw girls... just keep sending those positive vibes...

What's happening..

Cramps-getting worse
Nausea-Eased off
Doctor's prescription-Bed Rest

Result - Not looking too good.

Ignorance is bliss…

Today is one of those days when I really wish I was not so aware of everything to do with pregnancy. But I do..i know everything that can go wrong…Last time I got a BFP, I didn’t even reach this far…so I am completely in a new phase, but somehow I feel I know it all…All those hours of reading! I have an overload of information…

I got my BFP on the 4th evening, and I had put down my papers at work that very day! I had decided 15 days ago that I couldn't continue working at this office. It was stressing me out and just didn’t feel worth it. After my BFP I decided that I will not even serve my two month notice period. The first trimester is the most important. I just don’t want to take any risks. From April I may get a job (fingers crossed) that I can do from home. But this decision meant I lost 2 months salary…

I make more money than Mallik and I know this loss of salary will pinch us. I also send money home to my mother…I am so tired of being responsible. I wanted to able to be a little selfish and think of my little bean…I trying hard to shrug off this feeling of guilt and thing only about the life inside…The doctor had asked me specifically not to travel by autos (a mode of transport in India, which I use to go to work everyday) and I cannot afford taxi everyday.

So here I am..at home…trying to stay positive…Just give me two months…let me give my best to the dream we have had…Let me put my feet up and think of nothing but good things…let me not worry about money…give me strength….

PS: Thanks so much girls for your best wishes…I don’t know what we did different last month…I truly think it may have something to do with the energy card Dan sent me…Thanks Dan…and yes the baby is going to called Dan!!!

Update

The doc was reassuring. Things seem fine. So yes I am officially pregnant!..

Symptoms-Extreme fatigue, nausea, lower abdomenal and back ache, aversion to food...

Ultrasound scheduled for the 20th. 15 days to go.

I am living each day at a time......

Sinking in...

NOT!! Another HPT, same result... it is happening, but why do I feel no happiness yet...just pure dread?

Thanks for all your comments...You are the only ones other than Mallik who knows about this..

Nikki: My test lines as as dark as the ones i posted. Will post the pics as soon as I can. Its taking not more then 5 secs flat...Its coming up even before the other line comes up...

But where is the celebration I expected? Mallik and I both are being very careful not to get too excited. I have cramps and am off to my doc in an hour or so.

I am scared...

How did this happen?

AF always arrives the day i POAS. I was tired of AF being so late and all the PMS symptoms. So I POAS after coming back from work....This is not really my test, but you get the picture...


WTF??? I have bad cramps...feels like AF is round the corner...but its not is it? I am in shock..not happy...its not real right now...The test must have been defective (Mallik said that)...I don't know what to feel...Just knew I needed to share this with anybody who is reading...

Hide n Seek!!!

AF was due on the 31st. Today is 2nd...still nothing... If I didn't know better I would have got hopeful..but with just 3 days BD and that too during days which were far far from the fertile period..chances of me being pregnant are slim to say the least.

AF is generally really punctual, so am thinking that I may have ovulated late because I stopped taking Letrozole this month. Does that goof up your system? Any clues?

To take or not to take...

I have not taken any Folic Acid tablets this whole month! Isn't that a crime in TTC land? I just don't feel like popping them anymore. No baby is on the horizon or is it maybe I am trying to do something 'different' to tempt the Stork to visit us finally? oopps I have jinxed it now! Me and my big mouth...

A Few Good Men

Funny thing about my life is that it is dominated by women! I have three sisters and a number of girlfriends, but I share a special emotional bond with the men in my life. It is just one of those things. I just am closer to the men! So, this post is a thank you note to those few good men in my life. The men who made me what I am today! (it’s going to be a long post, sorry folks, but these guys do deserve this much)

Bapi: My father. He was the man with whom I spent the formative years of my life – the first 16. During the last one year of his life, he was nothing but a shadow, shadow of his former vivacious self. But he is the one who impacted my life the most. I not only inherited his biological looks but also a huge part of my soul. My love for animals, my passion for the written word, and my fascination with politics – all of it can be traced to my father. He is the one who showed me the path of being an extreme liberal. He died a painful death after a year of suffering. He had cancer. I still regret not having done enough for him but I know he forgives me.

I still feel him around me though, I talk to him all the time! I actually used to shout at him when I had to take care of the family immediately after college, I hated him for leaving us so early, for making life so tough… But that was just a phase. I loved that man. Loved him despite all his flaws.

Thank you Bapi, for making me, me!

Joy-My brother-My memory is hazy and foggy and I actually have difficulty remembering my past. Some people say it is a defense mechanism, that it helps me cope with all the ugliness of my the days gone by. But through the fog of time, one memory stands out vividly. I still can remember the day my brother was born, ! I was almost five years old. All of us were so happy, we had been praying for brother fervently. I always cherished him like a precious jewel. I recently rediscovered this ancient diary where one of the posts read “Nobody loves me here. I just want to run away. But Joy needs me. I will stay here and make joy into a big person then I will go away”

But it was after my father’s death that I kind of adopted Joy and the bond we shared became something much deeper. He was merely 11 years old and I felt a surge of responsibility towards him. My mother is a simple village woman, whose idea of motherhood is cooking and providing food. I don’t blame her. That’s the only way she knows how to be and she did the best she could. But what I lacked while growing up, I wanted my brother to have. I encouraged him to become the person we were unable to become. I tried to be his friend and his mother.

He used to tell me everything while in school, college and even when he started working. I felt like a proud mother when he won awards, and made it as the captain of his school cricket and soccer teams. I also felt tinge of sadness when I realized that he didn’t need me as much as he did earlier and he made friends, who meant more than me. But ultimately all I wanted was for him to be happy. All I wanted was for him to not go through the hardships we went through.

I don’t know when he grew up! Today he is 25 and I still remember when I used to carry him home in the evenings after playing and throw him around while playing WWF! Well, now he can pick me up with one hand!

I got married and moved to Hyderabad, 1600KMS from home and the person I missed the most was my brother. I missed the closeness we shared, I missed the understood we had with each other, I missed watching movies and listening to music together. We share the same interests in almost every thing under the sun and beyond...We can ctually read each other’s minds at times (thats a little scary). I sometimes think that my brother may be my soulmate. We still make it a point to talk with each other atleast 3-4 times a week.

Today he is struggling a little with his career and it makes me sad to think he is not at peace. I will do anything in my power to make sure he is happy, but I know I cannot walk his Karma. Fortunately, he knows I am here for him whenever he needs me.

The baby of my life, Joy, you will always remain my inspiration. You are the one who taught me to love without expecting anything in return. I expect nothing from, other than your own happiness.

Thank you.

Ayaan-My nephew-He is now three years old and the apple of everyone’s eye! I have 4 other nieces but I love Kaju (as we call him lovingly) like no other.

He was born to my favourite sister (unfortunately we no longer share that closeness, the distance has takes its toll), Iand I fell in love with him the moment he was born. I was in the hospital with my sister when she went into labour. Oh my God! That was actually one of the scariest experiences of my life! She was in a 12 hour labour and I didn’t know pain like that existed.

But the end product was worth it I say!

After marriage, I called home jfrequently ust to hear Kaju speak. He calls me Mumsum! And believe me, it’s the sweetest word in the world. The first sentence I heard him say was "I love you Mumsum". All you have to do is pretend to cry and he will rush and hug you and say "I love you Mumsum!" Sweet! Sweet! Sweet!

Once I knew Kaju, I knew I wanted to be a mum. I love this little man with an emotion which is almost primal! So much, that, when he was taken ill as a one year old and taken to the ICU, I was so worried that I was hurting physically. I was crying till he was released from the hospital.

IS that how you love your own child? Is there anyway else to love your own child? I somehow don’t think I will be able to love my child more than I love Kaju.

Joy says I am biased against my nieces. I guess I am, but I can’t help it. I just share some kind of a soul relation with this tiny bundle of happiness. Call me selfish if you will, it is just how it is.

I miss not sharing his growing up years, but I try to keep in touch. My sister calls me to tell me about his achievements. I knew when he took his first step, and I knew when he spoke his first words. I was with him when he went to his first school, where the teachers actually thought I was his mother! (that made me mighty happy)

Kaju, I know you won’t read this, but when you do – I want you to know this-“You are my baby. I may not have given birth to you, I may not be bringing you up, But I can kill for you” And let this be a warning for everybody who dare harm my guy!

Akhil-my brother in law-I actually inherited him after marriage! Akhil is my husband’s uncle’s son (distant relation) He lost his father even before he was born, and was having several anger related issues due to being neglected at home. When we got married, Mallik decided that Akhil (7 at that time) should come and stay with us. I was game for the idea and became what I call a “readymade mother”! This decision was fought by my mother in law who actually abused me for accepting a decision made by her son! Well that’s another post all together.

It’s been three years since I have lived with this guy , and today the change is there for all to see. He has changed into a well behaved young man of 10 and I have become used to being a mother. I don’t think I will feel a loss of freedom when my baby comes as I already spend my time with Akhil. We take him out 80% of time we go out. He has taken vacations with us and goes out with us for dinner regularly –just the way my own child would. We recently took him to a fair, and that’s when we realized that we had actually become parents. That trip was all about him! What he wanted to buy, what rides he wanted to take…

Mallik takes him to play soccer every morning. But there is one thing I am very strict about. That’s sending him to his mother’s house every weekend. He needs to develop a relation with her and she too needs to understand that that’s her son.

I have tried to be his friend and guide him through life the way I did with my brother. He listens to what I say. He is a little adamant when it comes to others. Mallik asked him why he can’t behave with other the way he behaves with me and he said “Bhabi (that’s me) never shouts at me. She gives me respect, so I give it back”. I have tried explaining this to others. Just because he is young doesn’t mean we don’t respect him. He is a different person, with his own unique personality. Unfortunately, Mallik’s family clearly discriminates against him and treats him like no child should be treated. But I fight for him like a mother hen and thankfully things changing. albeit, slowly.A few months back, Mallik’s family finally had something good to say about Akhil and that made me so proud...

Come on Akhil show them what you can be. I am here for you.

He is one reason why my life has been tolerable in this alien city, in a family where I still have really not been accepted as a family member. When I am ill nobody even bothers to call to ask how I am doing. Mallik’s grandmother ignores my arthritis and if her granddaughter as much as sneezes she throws a fit! But I have Akhil! He doesn’t allow me to work when I am ill. Rushes to the market to buy my medicine. Checks my temperature, even try to cook for me! I feel loved…I always feel that my family here is Mallik and Akhil...

He will go back to his mother’s in a couple of years, and I will feel the vacuum. But that’s part of the choice we made. I have never forgotten that his REAL mother needs him - She is suffering from emotional issues. My job is to make sure Akhil knows that his duty is towards his mother and I have seen the mature way he deals with his mom now. He sits and massages her feet even when doesnt want to, just to make her feel better...these small things will go a long way in getting them closer I hope.

Thank you Akhil, for making my married life easier.

Mallik-my husband-Way back on February 14th, 2005, I was heartbroken. I had just broken up with my fiancé after being together for four long years-after getting a call from his ‘girlfriend’. Yeah he had been cheating on me all through those four years.

I had taken a grip over my life and moved on and on 15th of July 2005 I had gone for a hypnotherapy session ( I love trying out new things). Now you may not agree this to be true and it may NOT be anything but a figment of my imagination but this did happen. While under hypnosis I was asked to contact my guardian angel. And I had felt a presence. I couldn’t see anyone but felt a presence.

I tried to talk to him but got no response, almost like I wasn’t ready for it. I finally asked him to give a message atleast and one sentence rang through my mind “you are not alone”. I started crying. Those were tears of joy because all through my life I have felt a sense of loneliness, even when I was with people I loved.

Exactly one week after this incident I ‘happened’ to be on a chat room I had never visited before, waiting for a friend in US to come online. That friend never turned up. The person who did turn up was a guy who became my husband less than seven months later! When I spoke to him for the first time over the phone, I felt the same presence I felt with my guardian angel. I DO believe he is my angel. Don’t ask for logic here please ;-)

This was destiny for sure! We met each other two times and the third time we met was during our wedding. People called it a risk. They asked me if I was sure it wasn’t a rebound relation. But I just ‘knew’ he was the one.

WE complete three years of married life on 18th Feb this year. It wasn’t all a bed of roses but the respect and love I felt for him three years ago has only increased. Believe me, it’s not easy to be with me! I am impulsive and aggressive. But he has the patience of a monk! He has stood by me when his mother decided to move away and live with her daughter.

But the thing I love the most about him is that he never tried to change me. Now believe me that’s a lot from an Indian guy! I still am the person I was. Even my friends and family are amazed as to how independent I still am! We are friends more than anything else. In fact he knows that nobody on Orkut knows that I am married, so he makes sure he doesn’t behave like my husband there!

This is a testimonial he wrote for me on Orkut
“The one amazing lady, that I’ve met in my life............ we've been through a lot together, I always thought ours as a give and take relation....... but in my heart of hearts i know it was you who always gave........ i wanted to say so many things to thank you for the unconditional love............ but all that come out of my heart is I LOVE YOU..........”

Tall Dark and Handsome. Yup thats Mallik.. whacky, down to earth, honest. Well...he is loved by ALL (my problem, too many people to share him with)...He is a great person. Innocent and naïve at times. I did’nt so much goodness could exist in a person. He will go out of his way to help another human, who means nothing to him..I am very proud of you Mallik. I must have done something good to have found you. My best friend, my soul mate!!!!!

Here is a song I dedicate to my husband..

You were my eyes when I couldn't see
You were my ears when I couldn't hear
You were my voice when I couldn't speak
You were my hope when I couldn't believe
You were my compass when I was lost
You were here No matter, when, how or why?

I was sinking and you saved me
I was crying and you stopped me
I was alone and you joined me
And no matter the pain I felt you made me happy

Our hearts beated as one
Our breaths were the same
Our love was equal
And we were the same ...
My Soul mate

Augustya-A dream-He is the son I dream of. I don’t know if Augustya will ever be a reality but even the love I have for this mere ‘thought’ is enough to drive me to tears. I dream of the clothes he will wear. I dream of the sports he will play…

We are adopting a baby girl, and I know that there is big chance that if and when we have a biological child it may be a girl. I do love Aaryana, but I also want Augustya! Is that selfish? If our TTC journey does not bear fruit then we will adopt- a baby boy.

How is it possible to love something that doesn’t even exist? I guess it is something only we girls TTC can understand.