Wednesday, December 31, 2008

New Year Resolution

This is my second post of the day...I just feel so hopeless right now...I want to keep hoping for a better tomorrow. That was how I was. Where did the real chhandita disappear? I want her back, I need her back. This TTC journey is taking away so much from my soul. AF is due tomorrow and I am mourning already. Another cycle gone without the happiness I see in so many faces. The joy of knowing that another life is taking shape inside your body. The joy of knowing that the love you share with your DH has finally taken a new dimension.

I want this pain to go away. Please tell me I can't have a baby so I can stop dreaming of one and move on with my life. Dr Brian Weiss says that we choose the life to learn what we need to learn and move on spiritually. What am I learning here? Maybe, the question to ask is, What do I need to learn..

1. Learn to be happy for others
2. Patience
3. Learn to have hope
... Am trying to hold onto my sanity here. So here is my new year resolution. I will get the real Chhandita back. I again will be the Sunshine girl (the nickname my friends gave me). I will again look at the new sun and feel hope. I will learn to dream again. I will laugh till I have tears in my eye. I will make others smile. 2009. Baby or no baby, I will reclaim my soul. I will not ALLOW IF to destroy me.

Yes, I will be Me again! best of luck to me.

New Year's Morning

I saw this new year poem...I thought t was beauitful so wanted to share it with you girls....I hope 2009 is the year for us....

Only a night from old to new!
Only a night, and so much wrought!
The Old Year's heart all weary grew,
But said: "The New Year rest has brought
The Old Year's hopes its heart laid down,
As in a grave; but trusting, said:"
The blossoms of the New Year's crown
Bloom from the ashes of the dead.
"The Old Year's heart was full of greed;
With selfishness it longed and ached,
And cried: "I have not half I need.
My thirst is bitter and unslaked.
But to the New Year's generous hand
All gifts in plenty shall return;
True love it shall understand;
By all y failures it shall learn.

I have been reckless; it shall be
Quiet and calm and pure of life.
I was a slave; it shall go free,
And find sweet pace where I leave strife."
Only a night from old to new!
Never a night such changes brought.
The Old Year had its work to do;
No New Year miracles are wrought.

Always a night from old to new!
Night and the healing balm of sleep!
Each morn is New Year's morn come true,
Morn of a festival to keep.
All nights are sacnavy nights to make
Confession and resolve and prayer;
All days are sacnavy days to wake
New gladness in the sunny air.
Only a night from old to new;
Only a sleep from night to morn.
The new is but the old come true;
Each sunrise sees a new year born.

- Helen Hunt Jackson

Tuesday, December 30, 2008

Beautiful moments..

Some of the photographs we clicked in Suryalanka...

Monday, December 29, 2008

I got a ...

... bad tan!!! I really didn’t need it, but hey, the trip was worth every patch of tan on my already brown skin!!

I was a child again. Playing in the water and refusing to come out...making sand castles, playing beach volleyball... pretending to swim like a frog in knee deep water... I did not want to come back to the reality of everyday life... Our cottage was about 150 mts from the sea, and it was just amazing to go to sleep with the sound of the waves to give us company... No traffic and no villages! The nearest village was 9 kms away. Suryalanka is a rarity. It is still undiscovered and there is only one place to stay and that is the APTDC resort which has 12 cottages.

Tucked away, far from the maddening crowd, i rediscovered a part of me. For Three days, all I did was soak in the beauty of the sea and the beauty of life. On 26th, I was reminded of the Tsunami and felt a sense of awe at the immense power nature holds over us. No matter how much we achieve, nature has the power to tilt the balance in one powerful blow. I was reminded of how precious and fickle life is. Here I was on the 26th of December; exactly 4 years after Tsunami hit us. And as i stepped into the water that day, i said a silent prayer. For all those people who lost their lives and a prayer of respect for the sea, who is kind and all giving, who feeds a multitude but who is also capable of such devastation.

We had made a conscious decision not to spend too much time behind the camera and miss the beauty of the moment. So we have very few photographs, which i will post soon. We had also switched off our cell phones and worked HARD to stay away from the TV. That was easier said than done! What with a Boxing Day test match between Australia and South Africa looming large... Thankfully I enjoy cricket as much as Mallik!

Mallik ate tonsss of seafood. I think he was just trying to take in as much meat as possible before his one year of no-meat pledge comes into force from the 1st of January. I, on the other hand, didn’t have many options to start with, the tragedy of being a vegetarian!

My favorite moment of the trip was when we were taking a walk early in the morning. The beach was foggy and we could hear the sea..There was a slight chill in the air. Mallik suddenly asked me to wait and went away into the fog. Only to return a few minutes later with 2 steaming cups of tea!. It was just amazing to sit on the beach, with noone around, sipping hot tea...Amazing...

I also loved the evenings..the wind was nice and cool. ANd we were having our dinner just a few steps away from the sea. Yeah, I am in love with that place :)

I had promised myself a weekend away from IF but to be honest I was not successful. IF is a part of my reality now, and i cannot escape it. Fortunately, the emotions were not overwhelming, and I was actually able to watch a family with their little infant without feeling jealous or tearing up. I was happy that I got to spend time with Mallik, and most importantly, with myself. With a baby this wouldn’t have been possible (yeah i gave myself plenty of pep up talk).

We went to an old Temple in the tiny town f Bapatla (9kms from Suryalanka). The temple was constructed before 600 AD ! Thats pretty ancient if you ask me.

I love history, and sitting in that temple, I could imagine and feel the faith of the people who visited this place hundreds of years ago. Mallik is pretty religious (I believe in NO religion, and no Idol worship) and he did some kind of a puja at the temple. Later he told me, that it was for a baby. He has even promised god that if we have a son, he will add the word Bhavya to his name. ‘Bhavya Augustya’..hmm I can live with that. Mallik actually wants a girl, but has finally reached a phase when a child of any gender would do! It was sweet actually. We also went to a Durga Temple in Vijaywada, were I was again blessed with the promise of a son.. he he he.

The reality of life hit when I reached back home. All the silly home politics, the pollution of this city, the traffic....and PMS! Yup, am in the middle of a nasty phase of PMS. AF is due on the first, and i have almost zilch hope of having gotten preggo this time. Maybe that’s why I drank so much on this trip!

There is so much to share, but I have so much work to catch up to! Anyhow, the rest may be TMI ;)

We have decided to go ahead with the adoption procedure this January. I don’t know if we are even eligible to adopt. From the research I have done, it seems like you need to be married for 3 years. WE complete 3 years in Feb 2009. And Mallik is very particular that we only adopt a girl!
We will continue to try and have a baby naturally. Fingers crossed for a great 2009...

Tuesday, December 23, 2008


Mallik and I are off for our mini four day vacation tomorrow. Will post pics when i come back. We really really need this break...We haven't spend a single weekend together in the last month... I have been really down in the dump and now need time to rejuvenate... what better than some sea, sand and a beach side cottage?

I need advice. We are planning to go to the adoption agency in the first week of January. Is it too soon? That's what the doctor says. But I will be 30 in March, and it may take up to 2 years for the adoption to come through...If I conceive in between that, perfect....does that sound okay? I feel like a amateur at this IF business at times. Something like a fake. I mean i have seen amazing women who have been trying for 7, and even 10 years!!! But I don't think I can take this for too long... I am just exhausted...

So Merry Christmas to all of you and lots of baby dust.... Am gonna try and forget about IF for a few days..

PS: I just read Jewel's blog and she had mentioned about "what is one or are some of the worst things people have said to you during your infertility and/or loss journey?" Well I just had to mention about what happened in my office yesterday. One of my colleagues was having a bay and we were tracking the situation with hourly calls. One of my other colleagues told me that this particular hospital allows husbands to accompany their wives inside the labour room. Now that's pretty rare in India...

So I got all excited and said that when I have a baby I will go to this hospital. And what did my colleague say to that? " Get pregnant first". This person knows that I am trying...and I am not allowed to even dream now?

Monday, December 22, 2008

Careful what you wish for...

It may just come true...Has the wish really come true? A wish made in complete ignorance? Mallik and I didn’t want a baby. We had decide that we would have a ‘no baby’ life.. my sister kept telling me not to wish for something like this, but I couldn't care less. In fact I had a gut feeling that even if we wanted we couldn’t have a baby. That’s the reason why I never was on BCPs. It was up to Mallik to prevent us getting pregnancy and he took his responsibility very seriously.

But then in early April 2007 an accidental unprotected romp in the hay resulted in a BFP on 16th April. Yeah I remember the dates...
I was excited and terrified at the same time. Excited because the BFP meant I COULD fall pregnant, and terrified because we were not ready to have a child. I went to the doctor who gave me progesterone and asked us to wait as I had tested really early (14DPO) and the line was really faint. The next 10 days changed my life. Mallik wasn’t sure about continuing and I was always weepy...but I started feeling like a mother. I felt like protecting the tiny flame of life that was struggling inside me... On the 27th of April I started bleeding... I cried like I had never cried before. I knew I had lost my baby. Was it a chemical pregnancy? That’s what I thought at that time. Now am not sure.. .

Aaryana, that’s the name I had thought for her. Did she leave because she felt so unwelcome in my body? I had joined a gym on 1st when the life was trying to take hold inside my womb I was working out like crazy.. I did stop after I got the BFP. Was that why I lost the baby? I have never stepped inside the gym after that...I feel so guilty. For all the negative energy I gave Aaryana, each time we discussed abortion, my going to the gym...We have been trying since then (June 200) and with each passing month the feeling that Aaryana will never ever come back is becoming stronger..

I know I can adopt, I anyhow had planned to have one biological child and one adopted...but I still cannot get rid of the feelings of guilt. Mallik asked me yesterday about my cycle day...when I told him it was CD20 he said “oh we missed the egg this month” The look of complete sadness on his face broke my heart. I know it’s not my fault but I still can’t forgive myself....

We have been diagnosed with 'UNEXPLAINED INFERTILITY' i wish I HAD a problem. At least then I could have looked for a cure... All I hear now is "have patience"

Wednesday, December 17, 2008


I am planning to write a book about my father. This is something i jotted down...

"He lived a life of unfulfilled dreams. Was he just unlucky? Or was it all he could do? Maybe, in life we should just accept that some of us are not meant to scale the heights of greatness. But accepting ones mediocrity is tough. Life then seems so meaningless. Was that what made him what he was? Bitter?

Who was this man? A man who lived an ordinary life and died an ordinary death.

His life began in the hazy backwaters of Bangladesh. We don’t know much of his life, so may just create one for him. But that will biased wont it? Colored by our eyes, and how we saw him much later in life. Who was he as a child? What were his dreams? What did he think when he watched the waves of the Bay of Bengal? Is it ever possible to peak inside the mind of another and dig out their deepest thoughts? Is it even possible to dig out the thoughts we ourselves had years ago? Are not our memories colored by today’s reality?

So yes, we'll just create a life for him. A life we think he should have had. We can listen to people around him as they describe him, but can they ever describe his thoughts? How can we do justice to him? How can we remain true to his memories, when he is not even here to defend them? Do we have the right to just barge into another’s life? Even if he is my own father?

Did he think those waves to be beautiful, and lost in the beauty of the moment, or were his thoughts busy with thoughts as mundane as the next meal.

We will never really know. But why do I want to unravel a life that lies deep within the memories of so very few. Why do I want to disturb the peace that now surrounds his memory?

There are so many life stories that deserve to be told, tales of heroism, tales which makes life more meaningful, so why His life? Is it because he was m father? But I hardly even remember him now. His face is just another photograph, his memories hide behind the mist that is time. So why?

Maybe because he deserves it. Like everyone else, his life has to make some sense. His life too deserves to be vindicated. If only to make us feel that yes all life is sacred.

So don’t question if the words that will follow are true or not. Just think of a man who lived unfulfilled dreams and now deserves a voice, after the stillness of death..."

PS: While coming to work today, i was scanning the faces of the people around me to find a few happy faces. Could find none. Is happiness so scarce? Then suddenly I saw a smiling face...someone who was happy, from inside...It was a woman, talking to her young son....

Lets not infect the world with our unhappiness, lets spread a little cheer...SMILE.. :)

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

TTC Diary

CD15 today. I generally O on CD16-17..but once in a blue moon also O on This week is busy for me...but alas, mallik is so taken up with his studies that we have BD only on CD12 n CD13. Hope to get a quickie today too..But don't have too much hope for this month...

But or the first time in my TTC journey I am not feeling alone. Maybe it's because I have finally discovered women like me out here on the Blogosphere and its such an amazing feeling to be made a part of this family. I don't find many IF women from India here though...But that hasn't really made a difference...

I am actually happy... :)

Monday, December 15, 2008

A rant..

So the HSG nightmare is behind me now... even thinking about it gives me jitters....It’s one memory I just want to forget.

The weekend was Okay. Mallik was busy with his studies so I had another week to myself. Was I lonely? Yes, definitely. But I had so much to do. Cleaning the house, cooking, office work...the days just passed. Was I lonely? Yes I was. It’s not enough to be busy. I crave an intelligent conversation. I crave the days of laughter and tears that I can only get with friends. I have an amazing husband, but he does have his own life. I left my family, friends, and my city, everything for this one guy I met on the Internet. Did I love him so much that I left so much of myself behind in Delhi? I guess I did, otherwise I wouldn’t have stuck it out with him for almost three years now! But my love for him, or my happiness with this marriage does not change the fact that I need my own social circle. Problem is that I am very eccentric person. Very, very friendly, but cannot make a friend with whom I can stick for long. I just get bored! But hey, I have my books J and I have my dreams... I will again learn to enjoy my own company...

Ok, there is this one incident I want to crib about. My mother in law came over the weekend (Saturday afternoon). She stays with my SIL. Why?

Mallik’s grandmother and brother stay with us. I do the best I can for this family, whatever I can do without giving up on who I am. I am not perfect and am sure made mistakes. But in any case, MIL no longer stays with us and I can’t say I am complaining.

On Saturday she came and I was cordial with her (am NOT friendly with her anymore). On Sunday she started cleaning our house. I WAS angry. I have been taking care of this house for the last 2 years without any help. She wasn’t there when Mallik was ill or when I was ill. When we had no money to buy medicine even and had to use our credit cards. She WAS NOT there. And now, she decides to be nice. I was not ready to budge. I simply went up to her and asked her to relax when she comes to our home and that I will do the cleaning. She said it’s not a problem and continued. I let it pass.

After Mallik left to study with his friends, granny called me and asked me to give a saree and some bangles to our watchman’s wife, Chandra. I felt good actually. Than MIL asked Chandra, to give me ashirwad (bless me), pray for a son for me. I was almost in tears. If I had known this is what they were trying I would have said no to all this nonsense. In the evening again, granny started grumbling about me not having a baby. I joked about it but she was serious. Later, a neighbour of mine (the closest I have to a friend. She is infertile too. That’s enough to bring us close) came to visit me. MIL was all nice to her and then asked her “when are you planning to have a baby”. I was so upset, but that’s not the end. She went on to tell my friend to ask me to start PLANNING.

I lost it at that moment. I didn’t want to start an argument without Mallik around so waited for him. Once he came and I told him about all this, he just snapped. He blasted his mom and granny. Said don’t u dare talk to my wife like this ever again. They are scared of him, so it worked..for now....

I really need a break from all this...

PS: I forgot to add. MIL told another Neighbour (who is also close to me), that she is planning to move back with us once I have a baby..hmmmm.

Dear Pets!

I got this on mail today...I have 3 dogs at home so it made a LOT of sense...

To be posted VERY LOW on the refrigerator door - (pet nose height).

Dear CATS & DOGS: The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish. Nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help, because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king- sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm..

For the last time, there is no secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years - canine or feline attendance is not required.

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough!

To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following message on our front door:To All Non-Pet Owners Who Visit & Like to Complain About Our Pets:

1. They live here. You don't.

2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. That's why they call it 'fur'niture.

3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.

4. To you, they are an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.

Remember: Dogs and cats are better than kids because they:
1. Eat less.
2. Don't ask for money all the time.3
. Are easier to train.
4. Normally come when called.
5. Never ask to drive the car.
6. Don't hang out with drug-using friends.
7. Don't smoke or drink.
8. Don't have to buy the latest fashions.9
. Don't want to wear your clothes.
10. Don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and...
11. If they get pregnant, you can sell their children

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

I did not know what pain was...

..untill I had my HSG. Nothing comes close to the mad bad pain i felt when the doc injected the dye. For 10-15 seconds i felt close to death... It may seem a little exaggerated. But that's how it felt. I was fine when they were inserting all those tubes and stuff, but then she said, don't move, an d said i am shooting.. then came the pain.... I cried aloud. I was so loud that my husband outside heard me ran towards the room. The doc tried to make me think abt other good things, kept asking me questions, but I could think of nothing beyond the pain. I almost puked! And the blood. I bled for 4 hours after the test. Had to change 3 pads. I felt like I was dying... Finally in the evening, the bleeding petered off... But i was drowsy and dizzy..puked twice. I am still on painkillers and antibiotics.. Came to work coz just couldn't afford to take a day off... Will write a detailed blog when I am finally out of this La La Land...

Note: My Tubes are all Okay!

Monday, December 8, 2008

HSG tomorow

Yup, 10am Tommorow is my HSG. I will know if my tubes are okay or not..fingers crossed. Hope it aint as painful as some people have me believe...

Sunday, December 7, 2008


I feel so damn lonely today. Mallik has been busy ther whole weekend with his studies (with his frends), so i got to see very little of him. I have NO friends in this city. Well, I am one of those people who cannot make friends easily, and I am miles away from my family... Sunday is almost over and I feel so sick knowing that I just wasted another weekend doing nothing but watch TV!!

Life is just passing by and I am left behind. ....

Wednesday, December 3, 2008


A little crass maybe, but **shrugs**

A young woman who was several months pregnant boarded a bus. When She noticed a young man smiling at her she began feeling humiliated on account of her condition. She changed her seat and he seemed more amused. Shemoved again and then on her third move he burst out laughing..................She had him arrested.

Then the case came before the court, the young man was asked why he acted in such a manner.>>His reply was: When the lady boarded the bus I couldn't help noticing she was pregnant. She sat under an advertisement, which read: 'Comin Soon: The Gold Dust Twins'. I was even more amused when she sat under a shaving advertisement, which read:'William's Stick Did The Trick'. Then I could not control myself any longer when on the third move she sat under an>advertisement, which read: 'Dunlop Rubber would have prevented this accident.'The case was dismissed.........!!!!!!

HSG, here I come

AF arrived yesterday. I am actually doing pretty OK now. My doctor is a damn good lady. Spending just a few minutes with her fills me with positivity. She wants me to go for HSG on the 9th of this month and she did warn me that it may get painful. My elder sister has already warned me about it. She went through the whole gamut of IF treatments -- HSG, Lap, IUI, IVF. Finally adopted a beautiful little girl who turns 7 today. Happy Birthday Renee!!!

My sister and hubby don't want me to go through such painful procedures. But I need to. Its been 17 months now and I do think i deserve a few answers.

On a side note:

I don't know how I will deal with pregnancy and motherhood. Everyone around me says that I will make a good mom. But my arthritis scares me. Will I have energy? I feel drained out even now. Cleaning up the house, cooking, a full time job (for which i have to travel almost 3 hours everyday, and we CANNOT afford for me to stay at home), a husband who is studying law along with a full time job, my studies, a 10 year old brother-in-law who needs constant attention. Thank God hubby helps around the house. I feel guilty at times because I know he is working very hard for us. But I just cannot manage it all on my own.

Things I am looking forward to:

DRINKING - That bottle of wine has been calling me for days now. I can finally have a sip!

MASSAGE - I am taking Ayurvedic treatment for my arthritis, and the whole body massages are one of the main part of the treatment. I was unable to get a massage for the last 5 months (COSTLY), This month finally I can take my weekly massages. One word for them "HEAVEN"!!

OFFICE PARTY - I am part of a small team in office who are organize parties and team building events in office. Our New Year Eve bash is something I am really looking forward to.

VACATION- This is my favourite part. Hubby and I are going away for a 5 day vacation during the Xmas Hols. We really need this break. we are going to a sea resort called Surya Lanka.

Tuesday, December 2, 2008

Oh, is that you Aunt Flow?

Dear Aunt Flow,

Been waiting for you since 27th....I thought you were here, with all the pink pain you left behind, but then yo just disappeared.... Hey cruel knew I would suspect Implantation bleeding..damn right I did..Hopes Hopes.... But a BFN today (CD31)...and NOW I see you have decided to grace me with your presence... Stop Playing with me YOU WITCH............. oops didn't want to get abusive, but you know all those hormones.....................

Love always,

TTC Diary: The pain gets overwhelming at times..Like today.... I cried, and he held me...I needed his support today and feel lucky that he was smart comments, no false hopes, just a strong shoulder to cry on.... Thanks Mallik...............I love you.....

Thursday, November 27, 2008

They attacked my country

Yesterday night my country was attacked. Attacked by young men who are nothing but cowards..who fight in the name of religion, when in reality they really don't understand what religion really is.. what do they hope to achieve?

Gun bearing terrorists attacked Mumbai yesterday night. Mumbai is like India's New York. The fight is still on.. They are holed up in 2 of Mumbai's biggest Hotels (Hotel Taj and Oberoi) along with hundreds of guests, many of them foreigners. They seem to be after British and American citizens... But for me all they are after is a make belief heaven.... More than 100 people have already died... Does human life not mean anything at all anymore?

Is this the world I want for my babies?

I am beyond upset...God please take care of the people n Mumbai..

On a side note..I had a very vivid dream day before yesterday I had woken up in cold sweat...the dream was about gun battle between 2 groups and I had seen my husband get shot... and today similar scenes are taking place in Mumbai..Coincidence??

TTC diary: Aunt Flow is on her way..I can feel her.... I don't want to call her the Witch any more..after all she is just doing her work... And she is very good at it...she is rarely late or early...and doesn't give me to much pain while her stay ..... I welcome her when she comes, after all its the start of another cycle...but I really wont mind if she takes a long vacation...with all the hard work she does, i do think she deserves 9-10 months off.....

Tuesday, November 25, 2008


I actually enjoy the 2ww!!! i mean this is the only time i allow myself to feel pregnant... I actually don't feel jealous of preggy ladies and can look at kids and smile...but i draw a line there..I CANNOT deal wit pregnant friends nope no way naha.... Hubby's friend called me a few days back but thank god i was busy and couldn't attend..he then sent me a text boy yeyeeee...ahem..i didn't reply...he his hubby;s frend let him deal with it....

TTC diary: AF cramps..... hate them so....

Sunday, November 23, 2008

Writing blues..

I follow some really interesting blogs and Must admit that one of the reasons I follow them is because they are well written...But I myself don’t pay too much attention to how i write here...and I wish I wrote more frequently.......But writing has become my job (am an editorial manager, and writing and editing is something i do to make money now)..There was a time when writing was my passion. Not any more. Writing outside of office has become a chore, and i really do not like the way it has turned out.... Writing used to be my passion, the 0ne thing I enjoyed doing over everything else.....

I wish I had followed my heart and become a teacher...but i wanted my family to be proud of me...I always thought becoming successful will finally make me at par with my beautiful and talented sisters....I wanted to be seen and appreciated...I realized a little late that everyone did love me and accept me with all my flaws... I am finally taking a step towards fulfilling my dream...I am going to finally do my master in political science, something I was unable to do as I had to start working immediately after graduation to support my mom...I hope in another 3 years I will become a teacher.. . And maybe then writing will become what it was meant to, my passion. I will finally write that book about daddy.... plz let me do it dad....!

TTC diary: yesterday I had my first real heart to heart talk about ttc and it felt really good....we decided to just continue trying and not put a time line. I am just 29 and he is 28... Guess we have some time...but for that we will need the strength that you brave girls seem to possess. Pray for us...

Thursday, November 20, 2008


This is hilarious! There is not one dirty word in it, and yet, it is so funny. The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.

'Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. 'Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to...''Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been expecting you.' 'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?' 'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat'.

After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?''Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.''Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!' 'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.' 'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Smith.

'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.' 'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly.The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said. 'Oh, my God!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.''She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith.'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look''Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots.Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.' Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your,

''It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away.''Tripod?''Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long.'Mrs. Smith fainted!

hard times.............

Am I PMSing? I still have 8-10 days before the RED witch is supposed to arrive!!!

Mad mad mood swings...I had a terrible fight with hubby yesterday night... He has his Bar exams and has been busy staying up late (at his friends place) studying...I cant sleep till he comes home and he cant study at home.... I cannot survive on -6 hours of sleep... and over that my terrible mood swings..i created a huge scene at 2am!! cried buckets.... everything is OK now. Thankfully neither of of drag a fight for too long and don't sleep over an argument. But i honestly felt down in the dumps..suicidal even...felt like there is no purpose in life.. I hate PMS.... it makes me weak...aha and it also tells me that I am NOT pregnant...............................

EDIT: I just came across this quote from a blog I follow..."Holding on to the dream, until the pain of trying hurts more than the pain of letting go" so true..

Friday, November 14, 2008

Ovulation caught on camera

OK, so this may gross some people out, but i was fascinated to see what really happens inside m body every month....

Just for laughs...

Monday, November 10, 2008


I still have dreams of seeing a BFP...but the dreams are dying a slow death. I have zero energy to go forward with this is CD9. I dont think i am going to go for that Lap next month after all. No insurance, and not enough money....

I am trying hard to make peace with what ever is happening in my life.. trying very hard to have other dreams.... I will manage, I am a fighter and will not wallow in self pity for t long.... IUI, IVF? hah.... MONEY!!!!! where the hell is the money man??

So now my blog will be more then just trying to conceive... I hope I can make life the same too....

Friday, November 7, 2008

Lets talk about books!!!!!!!!!

1) Look at the list and bold those you have read.
2) Italicize those you intend to read.
3) Underline (or mark in a different color) the books you LOVE

1 Pride and Prejudice - Jane Austen
2 The Lord of the Rings - JRR Tolkien
3 Jane Eyre - Charlotte Bronte
4 Harry Potter series - JK Rowling
5 To Kill a Mockingbird - Harper Lee
6 The Bible -
7 Wuthering Heights - Emily Bronte
8 Nineteen Eighty Four - George Orwell
9 His Dark Materials - Philip Pullman
10 Great Expectations - Charles Dickens
11 Little Women - Louisa M Alcott
12 Tess of the D’Urbervilles - Thomas Hardy
13 Catch 22 - Joseph Heller
14 Complete Works of Shakespeare
15 Rebecca - Daphne Du Maurier
16 The Hobbit - JRR Tolkien
17 Birdsong - Sebastian Faulks
18 Catcher in the Rye - JD Salinger
19 The Time Traveller’s Wife - Audrey Niffenegger
20 Middlemarch - George Eliot
21 Gone With The Wind - Margaret Mitchell
22 The Great Gatsby - F Scott Fitzgerald
23 Bleak House - Charles Dickens
24 War and Peace - Leo Tolstoy
25 The Hitch Hiker’s Guide to the Galaxy - Douglas Adams
26 Brideshead Revisited - Evelyn Waugh
27 Crime and Punishment - Fyodor Dostoyevsky
28 Grapes of Wrath - John Steinbeck
29 Alice in Wonderland - Lewis Carroll
30 The Wind in the Willows - Kenneth Grahame
31 Anna Karenina - Leo Tolstoy
32 David Copperfield - Charles Dickens
33 Chronicles of Narnia - CS Lewis
34 Emma - Jane Austen
35 Persuasion - Jane Austen
36 The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe
37 The Kite Runner - Khaled Hosseini
38 Captain Corelli’s Mandolin - Louis De Bernieres
39 Memoirs of a Geisha - Arthur Golden
40 Winnie the Pooh - AA Milne
41 Animal Farm - George Orwell
42 The Da Vinci Code - Dan Brown
43 One Hundred Years of Solitude - Gabriel Garcia Marquez
44 A Prayer for Owen Meany - John Irving
45 The Woman in White - Wilkie Collins
46 Anne of Green Gables - LM Montgomery (so classic)
47 Far From The Madding Crowd - Thomas Hardy
48 The Handmaid’s Tale - Margaret Atwood
49 Lord of the Flies - William Golding
50 Atonement - Ian McEwan
51 Life of Pi - Yann Martel
52 Dune - Frank Herbert
53 Cold Comfort Farm - Stella Gibbons
54 Sense and Sensibility - Jane Austen
55 A Suitable Boy - Vikram Seth
56 The Shadow of the Wind - Carlos Ruiz Zafon
57 A Tale Of Two Cities - Charles Dickens
58 Brave New World - Aldous Huxley
59 The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-time - Mark Haddon
60 Love In The Time Of Cholera - Gabriel Garcia Marquez
61 Of Mice and Men - John Steinbeck
62 Lolita - Vladimir Nabokov
63 The Secret History - Donna Tartt
64 The Lovely Bones - Alice Sebold
65 Count of Monte Cristo - Alexandre Dumas
66 On The Road - Jack Kerouac
67 Jude the Obscure - Thomas Hardy
68 Bridget Jones’s Diary - Helen Fielding
69 Midnight’s Children - Salman Rushdie
70 Moby Dick - Herman Melville
71 Oliver Twist - Charles Dickens
72 Dracula - Bram Stoker
73 The Secret Garden - Frances Hodgson Burnett
74 Notes From A Small Island - Bill Bryson
75 Ulysses - James Joyce
76 The Bell Jar - Sylvia Plath
77 Swallows and Amazons - Arthur Ransome
78 Germinal - Emile Zola
79 Vanity Fair - William Makepeace Thackeray
80 Possession - AS Byatt81 A Christmas Carol - Charles Dickens
82 Cloud Atlas - David Mitchell
83 The Color Purple - Alice Walker
84 The Remains of the Day - Kazuo Ishiguro
85 Madame Bovary - Gustave Flaubert
86 A Fine Balance - Rohinton Mistry
87 Charlotte’s Web - EB White
88 The Five People You Meet In Heaven - Mitch Albom
89 Adventures of Sherlock Holmes - Sir Arthur Conan Doyle
90 The Faraway Tree Collection
91 Heart of Darkness - Joseph Conrad
92 The Little Prince - Antoine De Saint-Exupery
93 The Wasp Factory - Iain Banks
94 Watership Down - Richard Adams
95 A Confederacy of Dunces - John Kennedy Toole
96 A Town Like Alice - Nevil Shute
97 The Three Musketeers - Alexandre Dumas
98 Hamlet - William Shakespeare
99 Charlie and the Chocolate Factory - Roald Dahl
100 Les Miserables - Victor Hugo

Tuesday, November 4, 2008

Another cycle...

Yawn... another cycle, another long wait... I start Letrozole again today... the same routine as last month...but but but here is the catch.. FS wants to check my tubes next you are talkig girl..... :)

Friday, October 31, 2008

I love this song..peps me always..

I believe the sun should never set upon an argument
I believe we place our happiness in other people's hands
I believe that junk food tastes so good because it's bad for you
I believe your parents did the best job they knew how to do
I believe that beauty magazines promote low self esteem
I believe I'm loved when I'm completely by myself alone

I believe in Karma what you give is what you get returned
I believe you can't appreciate real love 'til you've been burned
I believe the grass is no more greener on the other sideI
believe you don't know what you've got until you say goodbye

I believe you can't control or choose your sexuality
I believe that trust is more important than monogamy
I believe your most attractive features are your heart and soul
I believe that family is worth more than money or gold
I believe the struggle for financial freedom is unfair
I believe the only ones who disagree are millionaires

I believe in Karma what you give is what you get returned
I believe you can't appreciate real love 'til you've been burned
I believe the grass is no more greener on the other side
I believe you don't know what you've got until you say goodbye

I believe forgiveness is the key to your unhappiness
I believe that wedded bliss negates the need to be undressed
I believe that God does not endorse tv evangelists
I believe in love surviving death into eternity

I believe in Karma what you give is what you get returned
I believe you can't appreciate real love 'til you've been burned
I believe the grass is no more greener on the other side
I believe you don't know what you've got until you say goodbye

Why ME?

I guess all of us ask this at some point of our life... and the feeling gets worse when you are TTC. Last two days have been harrowing for me to say the least. I started spotting on the 29th (14DPO), continued spotting through 30th and till today morning. Got my hopes up. STUPID.

I was feeling sick, nausea, couldn't eat anything and terrible cramps. I just felt pregnant. and so I did the stupid thing, yes, i POAS yesterday evening BFN!!! how did i feel? pain, unbearable pain. Maybe it was because it wasn't FMU? why do i keep fooling myself?

Went to the doctor today morning. She asked me to wait for three days as this delay and all this spotting is due to the bloody Progesterone tablets i have been taking....and when the AF arrives with full force, have to visit her again. The doc said " oh, I tell all my patients that its just 40% chance, so don't get your hopes up" shut the fuck up bitch. I know my chances. Have been on this boat for the last 17 months or gimme a break OK? I think AF is coming full on now. What a bitch...what was she doing these two days? MOCKING me???????

My husband was just speaking to his friend this morning. Was asking about what they were naming their new born. It simply tore me apart. DH will make an amazing father...Cant I just give him this one thing? How long?I read about those wonderful women who go through this for years... I don't think I am strong enough to do that.....

Wednesday, October 29, 2008


Yes, she has arrived. Started spotting sometime back. I still want to hold onto some sort of hope "Implantation bleeding maybe?" but who am I fooling? I lost again. What are we doing wrong? everything seemed perfect this time. Perfect ovulation, my perfect egg. It was 24mm. progesterone, perfect timing, less stress..did everything possible. I don't know how long I can deal with this.

All the doctor says is : you are perfect. Just relax" WTF. How do I relax? Is this just bad Karma? Am I just not supposed to have a baby? I feel too tired to try again. I am losing this battle......

Maybe this is as good as it gets...

I couldn't resist...yesterday was 13DPO, and I tested..yup you guessed it.BFN!!! yawn so what is new in that.. I didn't even feel upset... i mean as upset as i generally get.. I am tired of being sad and bitter... I want a baby... I want to give DH the best gift possible, but there is nothing I can do now...

We have given ourselves a deadline now. We try till my 30th Birthday (26th March, 2009). Then we start walking the adoption path... painful as it is, I need sanity in life... I need to go back to loving myself, I need to have an hours conversation without mentioning Ovulation. TTCing, BFP, cervical Mucus.... I need to watch a movie and not get all teary.... I need to start living again. I need to make love to my husband without worrying about position and timing....


I am scared of going to the bathroom. I DONT want to see the red witch today.... But I can feel her coming, and I can feel the tears too.. I am at work and really dont want to have a howling sessio here. All I want is to be alone, but I have a workshop to conduct. Need to practice my fake smile again...

Monday, October 27, 2008


today is 12DPO...had severe cramps Saturday and Sunday, went to the doctor who said that I have an urine infection...feeling better today..... doctor doesn't want me to test until 1st Nov..long way offffffffffffffffffffffff......................

The party on Sunday was a big hit..finally felt like people in my husbands family accepted me, and am proud that I never gave up my individuality ti fit in..

Tomorrow is Diwali.. its huge Indian festival so lot planned for that...

all of you beautiful girls out may not know what Diwali is, But I still wish you a very happy Diwali..God Bless....

Saturday, October 25, 2008

Sick Sick Sick

I just dragged myself off the bed to type this..I feel SICK...nausea, and severe AF cramps these, these are different...dont know know what is it is...but not a good feeling.....yuck yuckkk...updates later....

Friday, October 24, 2008

maybe next month?

Today is 9DPO, and I have no symptoms, none whatsoever, a tuny cramp here and there thats all. I dont feel pregnant at all... I just dont feel this is the month...But a part of me wants it so much... Send me some baby dust plz :(


The weekend is here :) my job as an editorial manager is fun.. but I am not really looking forward to this weekend..have a HUGE family lunch on Sunday... and if you are not an Indian, you have no clue how nasty it can get..all of my DH's extended family will be there..yuckk.....and I start on my progesterone that day so.......

I wish my family was here with me, but they live so far away :( miss them so much... imagine being in a city, 1600 kms away from family, in a city which doesn't speak yourlanguage... it was a tough first year for me after marriage..things have settled down but still...

on another note: one of my ex colleagues (friend) has been calling me, and i haven't taken her call..she is going through a bad phase and i was there for her.. but i did tell her a week back that i needed time alone, away from people who are worried for me,and asked how i was..I am not someone who shares her feeling with everyone. I like being strong...and when I am weak, I like to ride through that alone... maybe it is wrong, but it is the way I DEAL... shouldn't I have that freedom? does this make me a bitch? I have realized that peope who have not dealt with infertility dont really understand it, so I try not discuss it with them... I dont need HELP, I just need to be LEFT ALONE for some time.....

Luteal Phase?

Ok, so here is the problem. I have a 30 day cycle, so AF should arrive on the 2nd (M damn regular)..but I ovulated on the 15th, so according to the 14 day luteal phase rule, should be getting a visit frm miss spot on the 29th..hmmm..... does this mean tht i was actually ovulating late in the previous cycles?...

My Niece

Born on the 17th of September, 2008...pic is blurred...have better ones, will post soon.... my sister is super fertile. Conceived her son (now 3) within 1 month of marriage, and then Zara (above) in the one month she was with her husband (marital problems)....

Thursday, October 23, 2008

Song of life

Just take a look...just beautiful...

Life is good after all..

I feel happy, feel like myself after months. I hated the person I had become, crying over other people's pregnancies and babies.... Today is 8DPO, and i have no symptoms...but funnily enough, am not upset at all! I have actually decided to enjoy the journey...yeah its a tough journey. but once i do get tht BFP, i wont get to experience this stage again..everything happens for a reason, so my life right now is like thriller..."what happens next" lets just wait and see.....

well, hope i can maintain this state of mind...

JUst got myself a health insurance and a pension plan...i can finally retire at 45! good news eh?

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

How many months?

We started trying in June 2007..i was half hearted to start with, but with each passing month, we realized that something just wasn't right, and today, 17 months later and a multitude of tests later, we none the wiser. We are in perfect health, me 29, hubby 28... I make perfect eggs an his swimmers are as healthy as they get.... we had a monitored cycle this month, and it just told us what we already knew, WE ARE FINE!!! so may be its just destiny.


Today is 7 DPO, and i all ready feel PMS symptoms... dont know what to feel...AF is due 2nd Nov, but am expecting it on 29th OCT (14DPO)...

The Story So Far....

As an 18 year old, my ultimate dream was to own a house, a car, adopt a child and live happily ever after. I was not interested in getting married, and although I dated on and off, nothing serious ever came out of fit.

This aversion to marriage was actually due to a deep seated fear of pregnancy and giving birth, and this fear took a vice like grip on my psyche after the birth of my nephew in 2005. My sister was in a 12 hour labour and I was there with her through the night…After that experience I vowed that I will never have a baby….My views did not change even after my marriage in 2006.. Remember the saying “Careful what you wish for, it just might come true?”
In April 2007, I had a Chemical Pregnancy*. Although we were not trying for a baby and I was officially pregnant for just a week, that one week changed me completely….I felt like a mother and fell in love with that feeling… and thats when our TTC story started...June 2007...

Isn’t it ironic? When people don’t want a baby, they seem to conceive in a jiffy and when a baby is really craved for, it becomes an issue of dealing with your stress levels, charting, and timing it just right!
My (ex) doctor started talking about Assisted Conception* in the 2nd month itself. But I and my husband are healthy, are we not? All our tests came out positive, then why did I need assistance? This got her started on her favourite topic “the stress in our lives today….” Needless to say I dropped her and found another doctor who seemed more interested in me than in my money…

I also found numerous online forums and learnt a new language altogether. Figure this *“ We have been TTC for *** months now. I have been regularly charting my cycle and O’ing on time. Each month I hope for a BFP but AF seems to have fallen in love with me, and cant stay away from me even for a month” Sounds Greek? Wait till you start trying for a baby!
People say that I should not stress about it, that stress makes it difficult to conceive. But how can one not stress?

First society creates the pressure to get married, and then to have a baby. Is this because it is unlikely that a couple will separate once they have a child? One of my ‘wise’ friends enlightened me to this fact, and it does make some sense honestly…..
Nowadays, everyone I meet asks me the same question “Any good news?” or literally orders me “We want a baby this year!” OH MY GOD! My time is running out. I better grab my husband, leave my job, lock my room and try to have that baby!
Ok, so where are the people who were asking me not to stress? Can they please ask people around me to stop obsessing about my baby first and give me some breathing space?
Trying for a baby IS stressful. Each month I hope for a missed period, but each month it arrives like clock work, and at least for two days after that I am filled with intense sadness…Has the wish I made in utter ignorance come true?
And to make matters worse, everyone I know seem to be pregnant. It feels like a universal conspiracy!

When a couple is trying, the time they spend together tends to become mechanical. Here is a sample conversation “Oh! I think I am ovulating, its time to get to work” What ever happened to spontaneity and romance? And here I do not talk about people who are fortunate enough to have conceived within a month or 2 of trying……
Started Letrozole in Oct 2008, 2 cycles, no BFP yet... I ovulate naturally but I am willing to try anything right now.... Next month we are off to get my tubes checked.....
Hope to get a BFP soon!!

* A CHEMICAL PREGNANCY refers to pregnancy loss very early on. In a chemical pregnancy, it is thought that an egg is fertilized but fails to implant. As a result, your body does not begin to produce the obvious signs of pregnancy. Because a chemical pregnancy occurs so early in a pregnancy, most women never even realize they are pregnant. When they receive their period, they just assume they were a few days late.
*Assisted Conception: The use of medical techniques, such as drug therapy, artificial insemination, or in vitro fertilization, to enhance fertility.
* We have been Trying To Conceive for the last five months now. Charting my cycle and Ovulating on time. Each month I hope for a Big Fat Positive (positive line in a pregnancy test) but Aunt Flow (periods) seems to have fallen in love with me, and can’t stay away from.

Monday, October 20, 2008

My Little Bean...

I saw my egg..yupieeee...was amazing to just see it...the smile on my face would have prompted people to think that i was pregnant.. but what do they know of the relief of knowing that your body is normal :) maybe this is the month? fingers crossed... i O on day 13. BD on day 9, 11, 12, 13, 14... so seems like we had it covered... not thinking ahead of time but well u know hard it is... :)

The bean was 24mm on CD12, good aint it? :)

What Nobody Told You About Trying to Conceive...

That unprotected sex doesn't necessarily lead to pregnancy.That your sex life would start to resemble a science experiment.That you would see your OBGYN/RE more often than your DH at O time.That the longer you TTC, the more PG women spring up around you.That deep down inside, I can be a very jealous person.That one day you wouldn't mind checking your CM or CP to see if it is your fertile period.That I should have gone to medical school like my mom wanted, because I've had to do so much medical research by now just to figure out what was wrong with me, I might as well be an M.D.That I would know more about the female reproductive system and menstrual cycle than most of the doctors I go to.That living your life in 2 week increments would be the normThat you never knew how much you wanted to see those 2 pink lines......until only one shows up every monthThat simply relaxing will NOT get you pregnant. (your dh has to do some work too)That you have no control over some of the goals you set...That wishing really hard for something doesn't make it happen, and staring at your chart doesn't make it change!That one day my DH would know so much about how my uterus functions and what it looks like from the inside (thanks HSGs).That a pregnancy doesn't always equal a baby.That miscarriage is so common.That I would wish we had started TTC earlier.That my friends' pregnancies would start to make me sad instead of happy.

That I wasted ALOT of money on Birth control pills!!That it would help bring a group of wonderful, caring, funny, empathetic women together like this.That I would EVER be willing to stick a little blue pill up my hoo-haa (estrace pill...done vaginally),That I'd EVER be willing to stab myself in the stomach or @ss every day in the hopes that it will help get me PG.That it wouldn't happen the first time you didn't use birth control like we were led to believe in school.That you wouldn't know how important a baby was to you until it took so long and you realized what you were willing to go through to make it happen.That family would act like getting pregnant was a competition between all the young couples in the family, and the first one to get pg "wins".That my DH is the most wonderful and caring man!That it is insensitive to ask people when they are having a baby!Tat women who do get pregnant are so very blessed!That I could have been rich saving money on condoms, which were obviously unecessary.That I would be happy to see abundant cervial fluid and tell my DH about it.

That other people's "good news" of pregnancy makes me sad and when they tell me they have good news, I hope that they just saved a bunch of money on car insurance by switching to Geico.That medicine and procedures are not a sure fire way to get pregnant but it is a sure fire way to lose money fast.That had I bought stock in Clearblue Easy I'd have my mansion on St. Pete's Beach in FL by now.That docs should prescribe Zoloft with Clomid.That having flo show up makes you cry, no matter who's bathroom you are in.That it does not get easier, each cycle is harder than the last.Feeling like you wish your life away in 2 week increments.That I wouldn't want to hold or see someone's baby because it just hurts way too much.That a group of "strangers" who I will probably never meet, have now become my "best friends" when it comes to ttc.That I would splash urine on my face while taking apart an hpt in the hopes there really was a 2nd pink line hiding in it.That talking about sex with fellow TTCers would be so easy.That infertility is more common than you think.That DH would get used to doing his 'thing' in a jar.That one day all of this will make us stronger.

Wednesday, July 2, 2008

Loved this quote

Just what I want to do right now!

There comes a time when you have to stand up and shout:This is me damn it! I look the way I look, think the way I think, feel the way I feel, love the way I love! I am a whole complex package. Take me... or leave me. Accept me - or walk away!
Do not try to make me feel like less of a person, just because I don't fit your idea of who I should be and don't try to change me to fit your mold. If I need to change, I alone will make that decision.When you are strong enough to love yourself 100%, good and bad - you will be amazed at the opportunities that life presents you. ..... Stacy Charter

Wednesday, April 30, 2008

Khalil Gibran's "The Prophet"

I really loved reading Gibran's Prophet. Here are some of my favourites. If any of you want quotes from the whole book, just mail me and i will send the whole list.

On Love
When love beckons to you follow him,
Though his ways are hard and steep.
And when his wings enfold you yield to him,
Though the sword hidden among his pinions may wound you.
And when he speaks to you believe in him,
Though his voice may shatter your dreams as the north wind lays waste the garden.
For even as love crowns you so shall he crucify you. Even as he is for your growth so is he for your pruning.
Even as he ascends to your height and caresses your tenderest branches that quiver in the sun,
So shall he descend to your roots and shake them in their clinging to the earth.
Like sheaves of corn he gathers you unto himself.
He threshes you to make you naked.
He sifts you to free you from your husks.
He grinds you to whiteness.
He kneads you until you are pliant;
And then he assigns you to his sacred fire, that you may become sacred bread for God's sacred feast.
All these things shall love do unto you that you may know the secrets of your heart, and in that knowledge become a fragment of Life's heart.
But if in your fear you would seek only love's peace and love's pleasure,
Then it is better for you that you cover your nakedness and pass out of love's threshing-floor,
Into the seasonless world where you shall laugh, but not all of your laughter, and weep, but not all of your tears.
Love gives naught but itself and takes naught but from itself.
Love possesses not nor would it be possessed;
For love is sufficient unto love.
When you love you should not say, "God is in my heart," but rather, I am in the heart of God."
And think not you can direct the course of love, for love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.

Love has no other desire but to fulfil itself.
But if you love and must needs have desires, let these be your desires:
To melt and be like a running brook that sings its melody to the night.
To know the pain of too much tenderness.
To be wounded by your own understanding of love;
And to bleed willingly and joyfully.
To wake at dawn with a winged heart and give thanks for another day of loving;
To rest at the noon hour and meditate love's ecstasy;
To return home at eventide with gratitude;
And then to sleep with a prayer for the beloved in your heart and a song of praise upon your lips.
On Marriage
You were born together, and together you shall be forevermore.
You shall be together when white wings of death scatter your days.
Aye, you shall be together even in the silent memory of God.
But let there be spaces in your togetherness,
And let the winds of the heavens dance between you.
Love one another but make not a bond of love:
Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls.
Fill each other's cup but drink not from one cup.
Give one another of your bread but eat not from the same loaf.
Sing and dance together and be joyous, but let each one of you be alone,
Even as the strings of a lute are alone though they quiver with the same music.
Give your hearts, but not into each other's keeping.
For only the hand of Life can contain your hearts.
And stand together, yet not too near together:
For the pillars of the temple stand apart,
And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other's shadow.

Tuesday, April 15, 2008

What would you do if you weren't afraid?

I would go out and leave this job. I would try and write that book i want to, about dad. I would be myself no caring if people liked me or not.

I would actually be happier. So maybe i can try and not be afraid...

Friday, April 4, 2008

Article from

Uncle Sam's Watching
By Chhandita Chakravarty,


Arrogant, Overbearing, Selfish... These are few of the adjectives used by the general population of India to describe The United States of America. It must be difficult for a US citizen to understand these sentiments. And maybe most of them just 'couldn't care less'. So this article is an honest endeavor to put forward the other side of the story.It is a unipolar world today. There is only one superpower, economically, militarily or culturally, and that is The USA. The American leadership is hardly apologetic about it and there is hardly any reason for them to be. But to really understand the American psyche, it is imperative that we try to understand their past and present.

A Brief History

The history of United States of America is a paradox. It can be considered both new and old. If we consider the discovery of America by Christopher Columbus in 12th October 1492, as the beginning of the country's history, then its history is very new. But if we travel back in time we'll discover that humans inhabited America as early as 10,000 BC!But the history of America before the arrival of the Europeans is rarely acknowledged or known. Native American's (or Red Indian's as they are popularly known) lived on the land of opportunities for centuries. They had a simple existence based on the principle of 'respect for nature'. But Europeans soon made their way into these virgin lands and became the residents of this place. The early 1600s saw the surge of emigration from Europe to North America. More often than not, emigration from England was not directly sponsored by the government but by private groups of individuals whose chief motive was profit. Political oppression was one of the primary causes for many of the emigrants to seek an escape route to this new land. Many of them left their homelands to seek the freedom to practice their religion, or for adventure and opportunities denied them at home. People from England formed the largest chunk of emigration population. But there were people from other European countries as well, like the Dutch, Swedes, Germans, a few French Huguenots and a scattering of Spaniards, Italians and Portuguese.Since then millions of people from diverse countries have made the country their new home.America TodayAfter the American Revolution, the USA took giant strides and became one of the leading world powers at par with the French and Germans. This fact was reconfirmed after the 1st world war and became crystal clear after 2nd world war.Now, after the fall of the Soviet Union, America has become the sole world power. Other countries too have their own place but when compared to the USA, appear to be, well to put it mildly, inadequate.So why do most of the people of many of the countries outside the western block have this negative image about the world power?Lets face it, the primary reason for this mentality is a sense of our own failures when seen in comparison with America. Let's take the example of my own country-India. India's history is ancient. It dates back to an era before 2600 BC! But today we stand nowhere economically, militarily or politically on the world map. However much we might deny this fact, in our heart of hearts we know its true. This knowledge of what we have not achieved and what 'they' have achieved has created a deep-seated resentment in our minds. More so when we think of the fact England ruled over our country for almost 200 years and a lot of their wealth was derived from colonies like India.Having accepted our part of the blame, its time to understand some other major reasons for this resentment.The US foreign policy should take the blame for the increasing worldwide resentment against it.From the very beginning America's foreign policy has been inward looking. Undoubtedly, the ideals of 'democracy and liberty are noble and should be propagated, but isn't the American leadership assuming a bit too much when they decide that their way is the only 'good' way for all of humanity? What is ok with you need not be ok with others. Maybe people do not want American style liberty!And over that the hypocrisy of various US foreign policies can inflame anybody.America decides to attack a country because it poses a threat to their interests. Perfectly understandable. But why arm them in the first place? The case of the Taliban is there for everybody to see. Over that they expect restrain from every other country but can never be advised to exercise restrain. So what is the message they are sending out? That the life of an American citizen is costlier than human life in other countries? At least that's the message people are getting.Now an American might suggest that the other countries do they please, why do they have to listen to US and crib about it? Well, countries have to listen to USA because it is the most powerful country in the world and nobody in their right mind would want be in US's bad book! This fact notwithstanding, people don't like US attitude, their cultural invasion.Nothings going to change. People will keep hating US for its lopsided policies; give birth to a few fanatics and US will attack in order to rid the world of these anti-humanity people, which in turn will give birth to a few more fanatics. It's vicious circle really.I am sure India would have done the same thing if it were in the same position as the United State of America.

© February 1, 2004

Thursday, April 3, 2008

Ode to the night....

I love the beautiful dawn, with its freshness. The rising sun reminds me of the blushing new bride – innocent and alive. Dawn feels me with a new hope, a new dream for a new day. I am full of energy, ready to face all the challenges that might come my way…..

But as the day progresses and finally as I see the setting sun, I feel all my dreams shattering down around me…I look back at the day – lost and tired…All my hopes lie broken and I stand alone, defeated…

Then night descends, and like a child, after having spent all day playing out in the sun, crawls back into the lap of his mother, I too crawl into the bosom of mother night, hurt and bruised….O lose my6self in the darkness of the night. Her silence and calm soothes my bruised spirit, her starts fill me with wonder….I go to sleep, lying secure in the arms of mother night, whiles she heals my soul and fills my heart with a million new dreams…

Tomorrow, when I open my eyes, I’ll thank the new day for all my new dreams. night will stand back, patiently waiting to comfort her child, asking for nothing in return….

Wednesday, April 2, 2008


Well today is one of those days when i am disturbed with what i see around me...the road i take to my office is lined with meat shops.. i literally have to close my eyes to avoid the disturbing sights. It is really disturbing to see chicken cramped in cages which are so small that they cannot even stand. well! Sometimes i see people carrying chicken in their two wheelers. their legs are tied together and the hang upside down from to the back seat! imagine 5-10 chickens tied together like this.. isn't that cruel? i close my ears to avoid hearing their screeches....

I have seen pigs being caught in the roads, i have seen cattles being herded into trucks, sometimes their limbs are broken to make room for a few more of them!

I know people love their meat, I understand. I myself was an avid meat eater. But the least they can do is show some respect for their food! At least treat the birds with a little respect till they die..Is that too hard to do?

I am tired of seeing dead dogs and cows lying on the roads. I know of incidents where people have run over dogs intentionally! We are supposed to worship the cow, yet there are people who dont think twice before hitting them. na dwhat about their owners? they want the milk the animals produce, but refuce to feed all the animals are left with are garbage to eat. So many cows have died after ingesting plastic. I am even afraid to drink milk (

and if I react people say i am over reacting...maybe i am..

i mean this is one country where people forget all about 200 people dying in a bomb blast within a time frame of 5 minutes..! so wot can i expect...

But I am going to keep on hoping..things HAVE to improve..Please let me know that there are people like me around...

Wednesday, March 26, 2008


Today is my 29th bday..there is so much i want to say, to feel...i dont feel as special as i usually do on my bday, maybe because now i find myself spl everyday....Birthdays are no longer about gifts and they are all about rejuvenating myself! I had a few special birthdays, although now they seem far far 13th bday is the one i was the first birthday party for me, and i was over the moon...what i remember most about that birthday is a gift that Kumarda (now my Brother in law) gifted. 2 books...and the card said "best wishes for your journey through teenage days"....and today I am 29. Last year of the 20s. i will belying if i say tht i dont feel pangs of fear..fear of growing old...but there us am amazing sense of peace within..the peace that comes from the knowledge that I myself am responsible for my life and happiness...My good friend Sangeeta sent me a beautiful poem for my birthday...and sangeeta...I am everything this poem talks about....and i am mighty proud of myself!!

"The Invitation (by Oriah Mountain Dreamer)

It doesn’t interest me what you do for a living.
I want to know what you ache for
and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart’s

It doesn’t interest me how old you are.
I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool
for love
for your dream
for the adventure of being alive.

It doesn’t interest me what planets are squaring your
I want to know if you have touched the centre of your
own sorrow
if you have been opened by life’s betrayals
or have become shrivelled and closed
from fear of further pain.

I want to know if you can sit with pain
mine or your own
without moving to hide it
or fade it
or fix it.

I want to know if you can be with joy
mine or your own
if you can dance with wildness
and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your
fingers and toes
without cautioning us
to be careful
to be realistic
to remember the limitations of being human.

It doesn’t interest me if the story you are telling me
is true.
I want to know if you can
disappoint another
to be true to yourself.
If you can bear the accusation of betrayal
and not betray your own soul.
If you can be faithless
and therefore trustworthy.

I want to know if you can see Beauty
even when it is not pretty

every day.
And if you can source your own life
from its presence.

I want to know if you can live with failure
yours and mine
and still stand at the edge of the lake
and shout to the silver of the full moon,

It doesn’t interest me
to know where you live or how much money you have.
I want to know if you can get up
after the night of grief and despair
weary and bruised to the bone
and do what needs to be done
to feed the children.

It doesn’t interest me who you know
or how you came to be here.
I want to know if you will stand
in the centre of the fire
with me
and not shrink back.

It doesn’t interest me where or what or with whom
you have studied.
I want to know what sustains you
from the inside
when all else falls away.

I want to know if you can be alone
with yourself
and if you truly like the company you keep
in the empty moments."

Monday, March 24, 2008

first mainstream publication

This article was published in Tehelka magazine, one of the leading national magazines in India...feeling a lill proud :)

Friday, March 14, 2008

Being a mother

Dealing with akhil (my husbands cuisin brother) is tough to say the least..yes he needs a lot of attention and he loves to talk and ask after reaching home, i make it a pont to spend time with him, and have my dinner with him..we generally talk till 10.30, till his eyes are all droopy and then i push him off to i have to work doubly hard as his exams r around and his tutuion teacher is changing her house in d first week of april, so i will have to ake care of his yesterday i made him a time table....

He is naughty, and ppl (his mom, my gand mother in law) are always nagging him...i try to make them understand tht wot he needs right now is understanding, he is going thru a tough time....u know one of d best things i have heard till date? first was wen my brother told his teacher tht I had the maximum influence over him and recently wen Akhil askd me "Bhabi, how do u know so much? how can u answer all the questions i ask? " i felt in top of d world.....

Had to struggle a lot to keep him here with us. He lost his father even before he was born. Mallik loves him to bits and i supported his idea of keeping akhil with us. Akhil needed some grounded upbringing. My mother in law is not staying with us and have called me names..why? just because i loved Akhil more then her daugters children. They cudnt even appreciate tht a girl didnt complain once about having to take care of a child immediately after marriage...
another year or 2 and akhil will go back to his home, tough on me...

Tuesday, March 4, 2008

One of my Favourite songs..

This is one of my fav songs, from the movie "You've Got Mail' starring Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan..

Get in touch with that sundown fellow
As he tiptoes across the sand
He's got a million kinds of stardust
Pick your fav'rite brand,

andDream, when you're feeling blue
Dream, that's the thing to do
Just watch the smoke rings rise in the air
You'll find your share of memories there

So dream when the day is through
Dream, and they might come true
Things never are as bad as they seem
So dream, dream, dream
Dream when the day is through
Dream, and they might come true

Things never are as bad as they seem
So dream, dream, dream
So dream, dream, dream

Wednesday, February 20, 2008

Creation Hymn

This is the creation hymn from the Rig Veda. I am awed each time I read it..

There was neither non-existence nor existence then. There was neither the realm of space nor the sky which is beyond. What stirred? Where? In whose protection? Was there water, bottlemlessly deep?
There was neither death nor immortality then. There was no distinguishing sign of night nor of day. That One breathed, windless, by its own impulse. Other than that there was nothing beyond.
Darkness was hidden by darkness in the beginning, with no distinguishing sign, all this was water. The life force that was covered with emptiness, that One arose through the power of heat.
Desire came upon that One in the beginning, that was the first seed of mind. Poets seeking in their heart with wisdom found the bond of existence and non-existence.
Their cord was extended across. Was there below? Was there above? There were seed-placers, there were powers. There was impulse beneath, there was giving forth above.
Who really knows? Who will here proclaim it? Whence was it produced? Whence is this creation? The gods came afterwards, with the creation of this universe. Who then knows whence it has arisen?
Whence this creation has arisen– perhaps it formed itself, or perhaps it did not –the One who looks down on it, in the highest heaven, only He knows or perhaps He does not know.
"the One who looks down on it, in the highest heaven"..Thats the creater, Brahma...He should know how and when the Universe was created ... "only He knows or perhaps He does not know"...Then why this confusion? is it because Brahma does not know how he, the creater was created.....
People call me mad when I want to discuss this, maybe I am.....But how can we not seek the answers to these fundamental questions?


I feel blessed to have Mallik as my husband..he is not perfect, neither am I... but the love and respect he gives me is just amazing.....

Cant say no..

All my colleagues are going out of town, my ticket is booked too..but I just dont want to go.. i am tired of all the travelling, but i just cant say no!!! this is so irritating...

Thursday, February 14, 2008

Religion and Ghosts?

I am a Hindu....well, we have tons og gods and goddesses...actually we have 33 crore gods and I believe in them? No......I have simple belief system.....I believe i god, and i believe god appears in the form we want see it......I also practice Biddhism, I ahve read the bible and the quran........ and I believe tht there is no EVIL........thts wot d core of my religion teaches.....although Hinduism today has changed from wot it originally was......I read somewhere some one say tht every possessed person he saw was a christian.....reaafirms my view tht some people dont know the world outside thier own little world.. I live in India, and in India you'll find a possessed soul in every 10th house i think......and most Indians are does tht mean tht Hinduism too is some kinda "from hell" religion? spirits do not have any religion....spirits are simply looking for meaning and answers just as we are.....hey hey dont jump on me now, i am simply stating my views. As i have posted before, my brother recently had a an experience, and i do think tht it was some spirit trying to possess him, it was scary but i tell myself everynight to chant and create positive thoughts my faith in the god in me and in every atom of the cosmos makes me feel this positively...ghosts exist..but i just cant believe they are evil. it is our thoughts tht are negative and so we tend to attract forces which have similar nagative energy...sooner or later all these negative forces too will find the way and reach and merge with the ultimate reality....

Tuesday, January 29, 2008

The Unseen Life

How do you mourn the loss of something that didn’t even exist? How do you say bid adieu to someone a soul who enriches enriched your life, changes you forever—without even existing?Last April….The day had started like any. I had woken up happy and contended, a feeling that had been elusive these last few months. But finally everything was falling into place for me. After months of struggling with an inter-regional marriage, people around me seemed inclined to give me a chance. I was finally going for that long over due honeymoon… and I had that great job lined up…yes, life was felt good that day.As I brushed my teeth, I had felt a sudden shrill pain on me lower abdomen. It was gone even before I realized it. “Well, its time” I had thought wearily. My periods were 2 days overdue, and I was never late. “What if…” I had left that thought unfinished, it was highly improbable; just one unprotected accident was unlikely to be the reason behind my late period.But as the thought lingered on. I had felt a slight thrill.. “What if..”“A penny for your thought” a smiling hubby had said as he watched me stand with that loony smile on my face. “Well, I think you better go and buy me that Home Pregnancy Test” I had told him with that a naughty grin.I hadn’t expected him to be back within 30 minutes with the HPT. My hubby was had been trying hard to be the good husband, but for him the HPT was nothing but another of my eccentric fancies.At 28, I was still a child. My hubby called me ‘my little woman’.“Should I do it”? I had asked excitedly, taken up with the idea of trying something new. Without even waiting for his response, I ran to the bathroom. I came out victoriously holding the test. “There I did it, If I was pregnant, there would have been another line right there” I pointed out to my hubby. “You mean that faint line”? “Which line”? I hurriedly took the test from his hand. The faint blue line was pretty evident now.“Oh Shit!” I felt the world blurring around me. Yes, I was pregnant.I had decided to wait for another day. There had been cases of false positive tests. I had been certain that I couldn’t possibly be pregnant. I was too young. I had been married for only 1 year.I was restless. I thought of my honeymoon plans. “Everything will be ruined”. I rued. Why? why now? Just when everything was falling into place. Finally when I could start enjoying my marriage. Why did this have to happen and rock my world?I had gone out and bought another test. The line was still faint, but it was there. As if the life in there was shouting “I EXIST”.My hubby had taken me to the doctor after coming back from office. The doctor told us that it was most likely that I was pregnant. But the line was too faint for anything to be certain. She had asked me to wait for a few days, to have patience.I sat with my hubby, numb. Nothing was discussed. It was obvious that we were not ready for the child.But something was happening to me. Unknown to me, a feeling of tenderness had crept in, tenderness for the life that was struggling inside my womb. Life that wanted to survive, that wanted see the green trees, the blue sky. “Maybe it will be a girl”, and maybe she too would like Elvis”. I sat dreaming, looking out of the window. Unconsciously touching my abdomen.Suddenly I realized! I was going to be a mother. My body had already accepted the fact. It was evident from the way I climbed the stairs, careful not to hurt my tummy. From the way I ate a little extra, as if already the life was seeking nurture from the world outside. Life suddenly took on new colours that I had never comprehended in all my 28 years on the planet.But my hubby went on with his life, oblivious to the fact that I was changing, that I no longer looked towards him for happiness. The doctor had asked us to come after 10 days. He was just counting the days, so I could pop that tablet, and this unwanted ‘worry’ could be put out of our minds. He was busy planning for our honeymoon…Seven days after the appearance of the faint blue line, as I stood in the kitchen, watching the milk boil over…dreaming of her “AAryana” that’s the name I had picked for her…suddenly she screamed with pain. A sudden throbbing pain shot through my abdomen. I clutched myself and ran to the bedroom. I tried to sleep. But the pain was so acute that I couldn’t sleep. I felt a sudden dread creep in. I went to the loo, and yes there it was, a drop of blood.I had struggled to go to bed, I sat there, without thoughts, without emotions…That’s how my hubby found me when he came back from office. “WEhat happened sweetheart”? My hubby had asked worriedly.I had looked up at him, with that blank dead look. And then I burst out, hugging him tightly, I had let the tears flow… “The baby is gone, the baby is gone” I kept repeating….He had held me, feeling my pain but not understanding it.He had taken me to the doctor, where the doctor had told us in a very matter opf factly, fact way that this was an early miscarriage. 80% of the women go through this, In fact if we hadn’t gone for that HP Test, we would have just thought of it as a late period!But I knew. I knew it wasn’t just a late period. It was my baby.

For days, I mourned the loss of ‘something that didn’t exist” for the world. In medical terms it was just a ‘false positive’, a fertilized egg that the uterus didn’t hold. How could I explain to anyone? Most people probably thought I was over it as no one asked me how I was doing, not even my best friends. Maybe they thought they shouldn’t bring it up. Most people thought that it wasn’t that far along so it shouldn’t be that big a deal. As if it shouldn’t hurt because I couldn’t feel it. No one else understands the emotional pain you go through months and months after a miscarriage. It feels like it will never go away. Not a day went by that I didn’t think about it what seems like a million times.I will now be terrified with my next pregnancy, no room for happiness thinking something could go wrong again.Things did get easier. I eventually stopped crying, could see other babies, could hold other babies. But I still feel alienated when people talk about other people’s babies and show me baby stuff.It was an accident. We were not even ready for a baby at that time. Yet it hurt so badly when I lost the baby. Life goes on, but the fact is what I lost was also my baby, a baby I would never hold or see. ‘That life’ will never be a part of my life.