HSG, here I come

AF arrived yesterday. I am actually doing pretty OK now. My doctor is a damn good lady. Spending just a few minutes with her fills me with positivity. She wants me to go for HSG on the 9th of this month and she did warn me that it may get painful. My elder sister has already warned me about it. She went through the whole gamut of IF treatments -- HSG, Lap, IUI, IVF. Finally adopted a beautiful little girl who turns 7 today. Happy Birthday Renee!!!

My sister and hubby don't want me to go through such painful procedures. But I need to. Its been 17 months now and I do think i deserve a few answers.

On a side note:

I don't know how I will deal with pregnancy and motherhood. Everyone around me says that I will make a good mom. But my arthritis scares me. Will I have energy? I feel drained out even now. Cleaning up the house, cooking, a full time job (for which i have to travel almost 3 hours everyday, and we CANNOT afford for me to stay at home), a husband who is studying law along with a full time job, my studies, a 10 year old brother-in-law who needs constant attention. Thank God hubby helps around the house. I feel guilty at times because I know he is working very hard for us. But I just cannot manage it all on my own.

Things I am looking forward to:

DRINKING - That bottle of wine has been calling me for days now. I can finally have a sip!

MASSAGE - I am taking Ayurvedic treatment for my arthritis, and the whole body massages are one of the main part of the treatment. I was unable to get a massage for the last 5 months (COSTLY), This month finally I can take my weekly massages. One word for them "HEAVEN"!!

OFFICE PARTY - I am part of a small team in office who are organize parties and team building events in office. Our New Year Eve bash is something I am really looking forward to.

VACATION- This is my favourite part. Hubby and I are going away for a 5 day vacation during the Xmas Hols. We really need this break. we are going to a sea resort called Surya Lanka.

Writing blues..

I follow some really interesting blogs and Must admit that one of the reasons I follow them is because they are well written...But I myself don’t pay too much attention to how i write here...and I wish I wrote more frequently.......But writing has become my job (am an editorial manager, and writing and editing is something i do to make money now)..There was a time when writing was my passion. Not any more. Writing outside of office has become a chore, and i really do not like the way it has turned out.... Writing used to be my passion, the 0ne thing I enjoyed doing over everything else.....

I wish I had followed my heart and become a teacher...but i wanted my family to be proud of me...I always thought becoming successful will finally make me at par with my beautiful and talented sisters....I wanted to be seen and appreciated...I realized a little late that everyone did love me and accept me with all my flaws... I am finally taking a step towards fulfilling my dream...I am going to finally do my master in political science, something I was unable to do as I had to start working immediately after graduation to support my mom...I hope in another 3 years I will become a teacher.. . And maybe then writing will become what it was meant to, my passion. I will finally write that book about daddy.... plz let me do it dad....!

TTC diary: yesterday I had my first real heart to heart talk about ttc and it felt really good....we decided to just continue trying and not put a time line. I am just 29 and he is 28... Guess we have some time...but for that we will need the strength that you brave girls seem to possess. Pray for us...

Ovulation caught on camera

OK, so this may gross some people out, but i was fascinated to see what really happens inside m body every month....

Another cycle...

Yawn... another cycle, another long wait... I start Letrozole again today... the same routine as last month...but but but here is the catch.. FS wants to check my tubes next month...now you are talkig girl..... :)

12DPO

today is 12DPO...had severe cramps Saturday and Sunday, went to the doctor who said that I have an urine infection...feeling better today..... doctor doesn't want me to test until 1st Nov..long way offffffffffffffffffffffff......................


The party on Sunday was a big hit..finally felt like people in my husbands family accepted me, and am proud that I never gave up my individuality ti fit in..

Tomorrow is Diwali.. its huge Indian festival so lot planned for that...

all of you beautiful girls out there...you may not know what Diwali is, But I still wish you a very happy Diwali..God Bless....

Sick Sick Sick

I just dragged myself off the bed to type this..I feel SICK...nausea, and severe cramps...no AF cramps these, these are different...dont know know what is it is...but not a good feeling.....yuck yuckkk...updates later....

maybe next month?

Today is 9DPO, and I have no symptoms, none whatsoever, a tuny cramp here and there thats all. I dont feel pregnant at all... I just dont feel this is the month...But a part of me wants it so much... Send me some baby dust plz :(

LEAVE ME ALONE!!!

The weekend is here :) my job as an editorial manager is fun.. but I am not really looking forward to this weekend..have a HUGE family lunch on Sunday... and if you are not an Indian, you have no clue how nasty it can get..all of my DH's extended family will be there..yuckk.....and I start on my progesterone that day so.......

I wish my family was here with me, but they live so far away :( miss them so much... imagine being in a city, 1600 kms away from family, in a city which doesn't speak yourlanguage... it was a tough first year for me after marriage..things have settled down but still...

on another note: one of my ex colleagues (friend) has been calling me, and i haven't taken her call..she is going through a bad phase and i was there for her.. but i did tell her a week back that i needed time alone, away from people who are worried for me,and asked how i was..I am not someone who shares her feeling with everyone. I like being strong...and when I am weak, I like to ride through that alone... maybe it is wrong, but it is the way I DEAL... shouldn't I have that freedom? does this make me a bitch? I have realized that peope who have not dealt with infertility dont really understand it, so I try not discuss it with them... I dont need HELP, I just need to be LEFT ALONE for some time.....

Luteal Phase?

Ok, so here is the problem. I have a 30 day cycle, so AF should arrive on the 2nd (M damn regular)..but I ovulated on the 15th, so according to the 14 day luteal phase rule, should be getting a visit frm miss spot on the 29th..hmmm..... does this mean tht i was actually ovulating late in the previous cycles?...

My Niece

Born on the 17th of September, 2008...pic is blurred...have better ones, will post soon.... my sister is super fertile. Conceived her son (now 3) within 1 month of marriage, and then Zara (above) in the one month she was with her husband (marital problems)....

Song of life

Just take a look...just beautiful...

http://www.inpursuitofparenthood.com/2007/06/infertilityin-song.html

Life is good after all..

I feel happy, feel like myself after months. I hated the person I had become, crying over other people's pregnancies and babies.... Today is 8DPO, and i have no symptoms...but funnily enough, am not upset at all! I have actually decided to enjoy the journey...yeah its a tough journey. but once i do get tht BFP, i wont get to experience this stage again..everything happens for a reason, so my life right now is like thriller..."what happens next" lets just wait and see.....

well, hope i can maintain this state of mind...

JUst got myself a health insurance and a pension plan...i can finally retire at 45! good news eh?

How many months?

We started trying in June 2007..i was half hearted to start with, but with each passing month, we realized that something just wasn't right, and today, 17 months later and a multitude of tests later, we none the wiser. We are in perfect health, me 29, hubby 28... I make perfect eggs an his swimmers are as healthy as they get.... we had a monitored cycle this month, and it just told us what we already knew, WE ARE FINE!!! so may be its just destiny.

The Story So Far....

As an 18 year old, my ultimate dream was to own a house, a car, adopt a child and live happily ever after. I was not interested in getting married, and although I dated on and off, nothing serious ever came out of fit.

This aversion to marriage was actually due to a deep seated fear of pregnancy and giving birth, and this fear took a vice like grip on my psyche after the birth of my nephew in 2005. My sister was in a 12 hour labour and I was there with her through the night…After that experience I vowed that I will never have a baby….My views did not change even after my marriage in 2006.. Remember the saying “Careful what you wish for, it just might come true?”
In April 2007, I had a Chemical Pregnancy*. Although we were not trying for a baby and I was officially pregnant for just a week, that one week changed me completely….I felt like a mother and fell in love with that feeling… and thats when our TTC story started...June 2007...

Isn’t it ironic? When people don’t want a baby, they seem to conceive in a jiffy and when a baby is really craved for, it becomes an issue of dealing with your stress levels, charting, and timing it just right!
My (ex) doctor started talking about Assisted Conception* in the 2nd month itself. But I and my husband are healthy, are we not? All our tests came out positive, then why did I need assistance? This got her started on her favourite topic “the stress in our lives today….” Needless to say I dropped her and found another doctor who seemed more interested in me than in my money…

I also found numerous online forums and learnt a new language altogether. Figure this *“ We have been TTC for *** months now. I have been regularly charting my cycle and O’ing on time. Each month I hope for a BFP but AF seems to have fallen in love with me, and cant stay away from me even for a month” Sounds Greek? Wait till you start trying for a baby!
People say that I should not stress about it, that stress makes it difficult to conceive. But how can one not stress?

First society creates the pressure to get married, and then to have a baby. Is this because it is unlikely that a couple will separate once they have a child? One of my ‘wise’ friends enlightened me to this fact, and it does make some sense honestly…..
Nowadays, everyone I meet asks me the same question “Any good news?” or literally orders me “We want a baby this year!” OH MY GOD! My time is running out. I better grab my husband, leave my job, lock my room and try to have that baby!
Ok, so where are the people who were asking me not to stress? Can they please ask people around me to stop obsessing about my baby first and give me some breathing space?
Trying for a baby IS stressful. Each month I hope for a missed period, but each month it arrives like clock work, and at least for two days after that I am filled with intense sadness…Has the wish I made in utter ignorance come true?
And to make matters worse, everyone I know seem to be pregnant. It feels like a universal conspiracy!


When a couple is trying, the time they spend together tends to become mechanical. Here is a sample conversation “Oh! I think I am ovulating, its time to get to work” What ever happened to spontaneity and romance? And here I do not talk about people who are fortunate enough to have conceived within a month or 2 of trying……

Started Letrozole in Oct 2008, 2 cycles, no BFP yet... I ovulate naturally but I am willing to try anything right now.... Next month we are off to get my tubes checked.....

Hope to get a BFP soon!!

* A CHEMICAL PREGNANCY refers to pregnancy loss very early on. In a chemical pregnancy, it is thought that an egg is fertilized but fails to implant. As a result, your body does not begin to produce the obvious signs of pregnancy. Because a chemical pregnancy occurs so early in a pregnancy, most women never even realize they are pregnant. When they receive their period, they just assume they were a few days late.
*Assisted Conception: The use of medical techniques, such as drug therapy, artificial insemination, or in vitro fertilization, to enhance fertility.
* We have been Trying To Conceive for the last five months now. Charting my cycle and Ovulating on time. Each month I hope for a Big Fat Positive (positive line in a pregnancy test) but Aunt Flow (periods) seems to have fallen in love with me, and can’t stay away from.