Wednesday, October 22, 2008

The Story So Far....

As an 18 year old, my ultimate dream was to own a house, a car, adopt a child and live happily ever after. I was not interested in getting married, and although I dated on and off, nothing serious ever came out of fit.

This aversion to marriage was actually due to a deep seated fear of pregnancy and giving birth, and this fear took a vice like grip on my psyche after the birth of my nephew in 2005. My sister was in a 12 hour labour and I was there with her through the night…After that experience I vowed that I will never have a baby….My views did not change even after my marriage in 2006.. Remember the saying “Careful what you wish for, it just might come true?”
In April 2007, I had a Chemical Pregnancy*. Although we were not trying for a baby and I was officially pregnant for just a week, that one week changed me completely….I felt like a mother and fell in love with that feeling… and thats when our TTC story started...June 2007...

Isn’t it ironic? When people don’t want a baby, they seem to conceive in a jiffy and when a baby is really craved for, it becomes an issue of dealing with your stress levels, charting, and timing it just right!
My (ex) doctor started talking about Assisted Conception* in the 2nd month itself. But I and my husband are healthy, are we not? All our tests came out positive, then why did I need assistance? This got her started on her favourite topic “the stress in our lives today….” Needless to say I dropped her and found another doctor who seemed more interested in me than in my money…

I also found numerous online forums and learnt a new language altogether. Figure this *“ We have been TTC for *** months now. I have been regularly charting my cycle and O’ing on time. Each month I hope for a BFP but AF seems to have fallen in love with me, and cant stay away from me even for a month” Sounds Greek? Wait till you start trying for a baby!
People say that I should not stress about it, that stress makes it difficult to conceive. But how can one not stress?

First society creates the pressure to get married, and then to have a baby. Is this because it is unlikely that a couple will separate once they have a child? One of my ‘wise’ friends enlightened me to this fact, and it does make some sense honestly…..
Nowadays, everyone I meet asks me the same question “Any good news?” or literally orders me “We want a baby this year!” OH MY GOD! My time is running out. I better grab my husband, leave my job, lock my room and try to have that baby!
Ok, so where are the people who were asking me not to stress? Can they please ask people around me to stop obsessing about my baby first and give me some breathing space?
Trying for a baby IS stressful. Each month I hope for a missed period, but each month it arrives like clock work, and at least for two days after that I am filled with intense sadness…Has the wish I made in utter ignorance come true?
And to make matters worse, everyone I know seem to be pregnant. It feels like a universal conspiracy!

When a couple is trying, the time they spend together tends to become mechanical. Here is a sample conversation “Oh! I think I am ovulating, its time to get to work” What ever happened to spontaneity and romance? And here I do not talk about people who are fortunate enough to have conceived within a month or 2 of trying……
Started Letrozole in Oct 2008, 2 cycles, no BFP yet... I ovulate naturally but I am willing to try anything right now.... Next month we are off to get my tubes checked.....
Hope to get a BFP soon!!

* A CHEMICAL PREGNANCY refers to pregnancy loss very early on. In a chemical pregnancy, it is thought that an egg is fertilized but fails to implant. As a result, your body does not begin to produce the obvious signs of pregnancy. Because a chemical pregnancy occurs so early in a pregnancy, most women never even realize they are pregnant. When they receive their period, they just assume they were a few days late.
*Assisted Conception: The use of medical techniques, such as drug therapy, artificial insemination, or in vitro fertilization, to enhance fertility.
* We have been Trying To Conceive for the last five months now. Charting my cycle and Ovulating on time. Each month I hope for a Big Fat Positive (positive line in a pregnancy test) but Aunt Flow (periods) seems to have fallen in love with me, and can’t stay away from.