Hide n Seek!!!

AF was due on the 31st. Today is 2nd...still nothing... If I didn't know better I would have got hopeful..but with just 3 days BD and that too during days which were far far from the fertile period..chances of me being pregnant are slim to say the least.

AF is generally really punctual, so am thinking that I may have ovulated late because I stopped taking Letrozole this month. Does that goof up your system? Any clues?

Happy, yet...

I am happy, I truly am! Knowing that I will be a mom next year, knowing I finally will have that much cherished child...But I still am hurting somewhere deep inside my soul. I still want to get pregnant, I still want to feel the child move inside my womb....Am I selfish? I am trying to hold onto my new year resolutions, and doing pretty well...But I think the realization that the pain of infertility is something I just have to learn to live it is setting in...

I still want a BFP I still want to experience m/s... So girls don't stop sending me those baby vibes...

My Infertility Badge of Honor

I was never happier to get an official certificate pronouncing us as infertile! But I am on top of the world.

We went to the adoption agency on Saturday. The Lady there was amazing! She explained the whole procedure. But she tried to discourage us from going ahead with the process as we have been married for only 3 years. We said a firm NO! We need to move on with life.

So, now we need to get the paperwork done. One of the documents the agency needed was a infertility certificate (stupid I know).And my doctor gave it to me!!! Things we need:

1. Health update by a doctor
2. Property documents
3. Employment proof
4. Salary statements
5. Bank Statements
6. Marriage certificate
7. 2 Recommendation letters (guaranteeing that we will make good parents)
8. Photographs (They will try and match our features with the child’s)
9. Identity proofs
10. Age proofs
11. Infertility Certificate

So we still need to get Health update by a doctor and 2 recommendation letters. Anybody out there willing to recommend us? ;-)

We should be able to submit the paperwork by next week. Six months from that time, we will have a home study and counselling. And another 6-10 months, we will have our daughter home with us! I am sooooooooo happy....

A baby girl 6-8 months old....

TTC Diary: CD 5 today. Am off Letrozole for the next 3 months and will resume after March. I still don’t know why i have taking the med in the first place. I have always Ovulated on my own!!
What if I conceive before the adoption comes through? We always wanted 2 kids :-)

TTC Diary

CD15 today. I generally O on CD16-17..but once in a blue moon also O on CD13..so This week is busy for me...but alas, mallik is so taken up with his studies that we have BD only on CD12 n CD13. Hope to get a quickie today too..But don't have too much hope for this month...

But or the first time in my TTC journey I am not feeling alone. Maybe it's because I have finally discovered women like me out here on the Blogosphere and its such an amazing feeling to be made a part of this family. I don't find many IF women from India here though...But that hasn't really made a difference...

I am actually happy... :)

They attacked my country

Yesterday night my country was attacked. Attacked by young men who are nothing but cowards..who fight in the name of religion, when in reality they really don't understand what religion really is.. what do they hope to achieve?

Gun bearing terrorists attacked Mumbai yesterday night. Mumbai is like India's New York. The fight is still on.. They are holed up in 2 of Mumbai's biggest Hotels (Hotel Taj and Oberoi) along with hundreds of guests, many of them foreigners. They seem to be after British and American citizens... But for me all they are after is a make belief heaven.... More than 100 people have already died... Does human life not mean anything at all anymore?

Is this the world I want for my babies?

I am beyond upset...God please take care of the people n Mumbai..

On a side note..I had a very vivid dream day before yesterday I had woken up in cold sweat...the dream was about gun battle between 2 groups and I had seen my husband get shot... and today similar scenes are taking place in Mumbai..Coincidence??

TTC diary: Aunt Flow is on her way..I can feel her.... I don't want to call her the Witch any more..after all she is just doing her work... And she is very good at it...she is rarely late or early...and doesn't give me to much pain while her stay ..... I welcome her when she comes, after all its the start of another cycle...but I really wont mind if she takes a long vacation...with all the hard work she does, i do think she deserves 9-10 months off.....

2WW

I actually enjoy the 2ww!!! i mean this is the only time i allow myself to feel pregnant... I actually don't feel jealous of preggy ladies and can look at kids and smile...but i draw a line there..I CANNOT deal wit pregnant friends nope no way naha.... Hubby's friend called me a few days back but thank god i was busy and couldn't attend..he then sent me a text message..baby boy yeyeeee...ahem..i didn't reply...he his hubby;s frend let him deal with it....

TTC diary: AF cramps..... hate them so....

Tired..

I still have dreams of seeing a BFP...but the dreams are dying a slow death. I have zero energy to go forward with this cycle.today is CD9. I dont think i am going to go for that Lap next month after all. No insurance, and not enough money....

I am trying hard to make peace with what ever is happening in my life.. trying very hard to have other dreams.... I will manage, I am a fighter and will not wallow in self pity for t long.... IUI, IVF? hah.... MONEY!!!!! where the hell is the money man??

So now my blog will be more then just trying to conceive... I hope I can make life the same too....

Another cycle...

Yawn... another cycle, another long wait... I start Letrozole again today... the same routine as last month...but but but here is the catch.. FS wants to check my tubes next month...now you are talkig girl..... :)

The WITCH

Yes, she has arrived. Started spotting sometime back. I still want to hold onto some sort of hope "Implantation bleeding maybe?" but who am I fooling? I lost again. What are we doing wrong? everything seemed perfect this time. Perfect ovulation, my perfect egg. It was 24mm. progesterone, perfect timing, less stress..did everything possible. I don't know how long I can deal with this.

All the doctor says is : you are perfect. Just relax" WTF. How do I relax? Is this just bad Karma? Am I just not supposed to have a baby? I feel too tired to try again. I am losing this battle......

12DPO

today is 12DPO...had severe cramps Saturday and Sunday, went to the doctor who said that I have an urine infection...feeling better today..... doctor doesn't want me to test until 1st Nov..long way offffffffffffffffffffffff......................


The party on Sunday was a big hit..finally felt like people in my husbands family accepted me, and am proud that I never gave up my individuality ti fit in..

Tomorrow is Diwali.. its huge Indian festival so lot planned for that...

all of you beautiful girls out there...you may not know what Diwali is, But I still wish you a very happy Diwali..God Bless....

Sick Sick Sick

I just dragged myself off the bed to type this..I feel SICK...nausea, and severe cramps...no AF cramps these, these are different...dont know know what is it is...but not a good feeling.....yuck yuckkk...updates later....

Luteal Phase?

Ok, so here is the problem. I have a 30 day cycle, so AF should arrive on the 2nd (M damn regular)..but I ovulated on the 15th, so according to the 14 day luteal phase rule, should be getting a visit frm miss spot on the 29th..hmmm..... does this mean tht i was actually ovulating late in the previous cycles?...

My Niece

Born on the 17th of September, 2008...pic is blurred...have better ones, will post soon.... my sister is super fertile. Conceived her son (now 3) within 1 month of marriage, and then Zara (above) in the one month she was with her husband (marital problems)....

Song of life

Just take a look...just beautiful...

http://www.inpursuitofparenthood.com/2007/06/infertilityin-song.html

Life is good after all..

I feel happy, feel like myself after months. I hated the person I had become, crying over other people's pregnancies and babies.... Today is 8DPO, and i have no symptoms...but funnily enough, am not upset at all! I have actually decided to enjoy the journey...yeah its a tough journey. but once i do get tht BFP, i wont get to experience this stage again..everything happens for a reason, so my life right now is like thriller..."what happens next" lets just wait and see.....

well, hope i can maintain this state of mind...

JUst got myself a health insurance and a pension plan...i can finally retire at 45! good news eh?

How many months?

We started trying in June 2007..i was half hearted to start with, but with each passing month, we realized that something just wasn't right, and today, 17 months later and a multitude of tests later, we none the wiser. We are in perfect health, me 29, hubby 28... I make perfect eggs an his swimmers are as healthy as they get.... we had a monitored cycle this month, and it just told us what we already knew, WE ARE FINE!!! so may be its just destiny.

PMS?

Today is 7 DPO, and i all ready feel PMS symptoms... dont know what to feel...AF is due 2nd Nov, but am expecting it on 29th OCT (14DPO)...

The Story So Far....

As an 18 year old, my ultimate dream was to own a house, a car, adopt a child and live happily ever after. I was not interested in getting married, and although I dated on and off, nothing serious ever came out of fit.

This aversion to marriage was actually due to a deep seated fear of pregnancy and giving birth, and this fear took a vice like grip on my psyche after the birth of my nephew in 2005. My sister was in a 12 hour labour and I was there with her through the night…After that experience I vowed that I will never have a baby….My views did not change even after my marriage in 2006.. Remember the saying “Careful what you wish for, it just might come true?”
In April 2007, I had a Chemical Pregnancy*. Although we were not trying for a baby and I was officially pregnant for just a week, that one week changed me completely….I felt like a mother and fell in love with that feeling… and thats when our TTC story started...June 2007...

Isn’t it ironic? When people don’t want a baby, they seem to conceive in a jiffy and when a baby is really craved for, it becomes an issue of dealing with your stress levels, charting, and timing it just right!
My (ex) doctor started talking about Assisted Conception* in the 2nd month itself. But I and my husband are healthy, are we not? All our tests came out positive, then why did I need assistance? This got her started on her favourite topic “the stress in our lives today….” Needless to say I dropped her and found another doctor who seemed more interested in me than in my money…

I also found numerous online forums and learnt a new language altogether. Figure this *“ We have been TTC for *** months now. I have been regularly charting my cycle and O’ing on time. Each month I hope for a BFP but AF seems to have fallen in love with me, and cant stay away from me even for a month” Sounds Greek? Wait till you start trying for a baby!
People say that I should not stress about it, that stress makes it difficult to conceive. But how can one not stress?

First society creates the pressure to get married, and then to have a baby. Is this because it is unlikely that a couple will separate once they have a child? One of my ‘wise’ friends enlightened me to this fact, and it does make some sense honestly…..
Nowadays, everyone I meet asks me the same question “Any good news?” or literally orders me “We want a baby this year!” OH MY GOD! My time is running out. I better grab my husband, leave my job, lock my room and try to have that baby!
Ok, so where are the people who were asking me not to stress? Can they please ask people around me to stop obsessing about my baby first and give me some breathing space?
Trying for a baby IS stressful. Each month I hope for a missed period, but each month it arrives like clock work, and at least for two days after that I am filled with intense sadness…Has the wish I made in utter ignorance come true?
And to make matters worse, everyone I know seem to be pregnant. It feels like a universal conspiracy!


When a couple is trying, the time they spend together tends to become mechanical. Here is a sample conversation “Oh! I think I am ovulating, its time to get to work” What ever happened to spontaneity and romance? And here I do not talk about people who are fortunate enough to have conceived within a month or 2 of trying……

Started Letrozole in Oct 2008, 2 cycles, no BFP yet... I ovulate naturally but I am willing to try anything right now.... Next month we are off to get my tubes checked.....

Hope to get a BFP soon!!

* A CHEMICAL PREGNANCY refers to pregnancy loss very early on. In a chemical pregnancy, it is thought that an egg is fertilized but fails to implant. As a result, your body does not begin to produce the obvious signs of pregnancy. Because a chemical pregnancy occurs so early in a pregnancy, most women never even realize they are pregnant. When they receive their period, they just assume they were a few days late.
*Assisted Conception: The use of medical techniques, such as drug therapy, artificial insemination, or in vitro fertilization, to enhance fertility.
* We have been Trying To Conceive for the last five months now. Charting my cycle and Ovulating on time. Each month I hope for a Big Fat Positive (positive line in a pregnancy test) but Aunt Flow (periods) seems to have fallen in love with me, and can’t stay away from.

My Little Bean...

I saw my egg..yupieeee...was amazing to just see it...the smile on my face would have prompted people to think that i was pregnant.. but what do they know of the relief of knowing that your body is normal :) maybe this is the month? fingers crossed... i O on day 13. BD on day 9, 11, 12, 13, 14... so seems like we had it covered... not thinking ahead of time but well u know hard it is... :)

The bean was 24mm on CD12, good aint it? :)

What Nobody Told You About Trying to Conceive...

That unprotected sex doesn't necessarily lead to pregnancy.That your sex life would start to resemble a science experiment.That you would see your OBGYN/RE more often than your DH at O time.That the longer you TTC, the more PG women spring up around you.That deep down inside, I can be a very jealous person.That one day you wouldn't mind checking your CM or CP to see if it is your fertile period.That I should have gone to medical school like my mom wanted, because I've had to do so much medical research by now just to figure out what was wrong with me, I might as well be an M.D.That I would know more about the female reproductive system and menstrual cycle than most of the doctors I go to.That living your life in 2 week increments would be the normThat you never knew how much you wanted to see those 2 pink lines......until only one shows up every monthThat simply relaxing will NOT get you pregnant. (your dh has to do some work too)That you have no control over some of the goals you set...That wishing really hard for something doesn't make it happen, and staring at your chart doesn't make it change!That one day my DH would know so much about how my uterus functions and what it looks like from the inside (thanks HSGs).That a pregnancy doesn't always equal a baby.That miscarriage is so common.That I would wish we had started TTC earlier.That my friends' pregnancies would start to make me sad instead of happy.

That I wasted ALOT of money on Birth control pills!!That it would help bring a group of wonderful, caring, funny, empathetic women together like this.That I would EVER be willing to stick a little blue pill up my hoo-haa (estrace pill...done vaginally),That I'd EVER be willing to stab myself in the stomach or @ss every day in the hopes that it will help get me PG.That it wouldn't happen the first time you didn't use birth control like we were led to believe in school.That you wouldn't know how important a baby was to you until it took so long and you realized what you were willing to go through to make it happen.That family would act like getting pregnant was a competition between all the young couples in the family, and the first one to get pg "wins".That my DH is the most wonderful and caring man!That it is insensitive to ask people when they are having a baby!Tat women who do get pregnant are so very blessed!That I could have been rich saving money on condoms, which were obviously unecessary.That I would be happy to see abundant cervial fluid and tell my DH about it.


That other people's "good news" of pregnancy makes me sad and when they tell me they have good news, I hope that they just saved a bunch of money on car insurance by switching to Geico.That medicine and procedures are not a sure fire way to get pregnant but it is a sure fire way to lose money fast.That had I bought stock in Clearblue Easy I'd have my mansion on St. Pete's Beach in FL by now.That docs should prescribe Zoloft with Clomid.That having flo show up makes you cry, no matter who's bathroom you are in.That it does not get easier, each cycle is harder than the last.Feeling like you wish your life away in 2 week increments.That I wouldn't want to hold or see someone's baby because it just hurts way too much.That a group of "strangers" who I will probably never meet, have now become my "best friends" when it comes to ttc.That I would splash urine on my face while taking apart an hpt in the hopes there really was a 2nd pink line hiding in it.That talking about sex with fellow TTCers would be so easy.That infertility is more common than you think.That DH would get used to doing his 'thing' in a jar.That one day all of this will make us stronger.