Monday, February 28, 2011

Why didn't I find this site earlier? plus an update.

Today I found the following link on my FB page (wonder how FB knew I needed help?).

hallelujah!! All our problems are solved. Who knew it all so easy eh?

Update: Thanks for all your wishes. My friends u/s scan went well and the baby is growing right on target. She has been put on bed rest though and is on progesterone (injections and suppository).

Sunday, February 27, 2011

Prayers Needed

A friend of mine (she is not a bloggy friend, but a neighbour) has been struggling with with IF for the last 5 years. Two years ago she lost a pregnancy at 4 and a half months. She got her miracle BFP on on January 25th. On 12 February she went for her first ultrasound. According to my calculations, she should have been 8 weeks along, but the scan showed a sac of 5 weeks 3 days - but there was a heartbeat. The doctor didn't say anything alarming, but she has her follow-up scan today. PLEASE send her all your prayers. She deserves this baby.

Saturday, February 26, 2011

A little love story

This is a little love story I wrote before I began to officially TTC. Anyone who really knows me will easily understand that this is MY love story. Monali is me and Anubhav is M, my husband.

She believed in soul mates
Monali sighed as she read the final lines of the novel she was reading. She had lost count of how many times she had read ‘Pride and Prejudice’. But each time she read it, she thought about soul mates. She looked around while putting the book back into her ‘jhola’. 30 minutes more in the bus home from office. The bus she was traveling in was filled to the brim, with hardly any space to stand. Perfume, mingled with the sweat wafted about her, but she didn’t mind. She had managed to get the coveted window seat. “Today is my lucky day” Smiled Monali, as she looked out of the window. In a bus, where even a tiny place to stand was precious, the window seat was nothing less then a treasure. This one and a half hour journey from office to home, in this unbelievable overcrowded bus, was her daily routine. Years of traveling in the local buses of Delhi had hardened her.
But this wasn’t Delhi, she remembered, and sighed again. Monali looked out towards the blinking lights on Kolkata’s smog filled streets and thought how similar these two places were, yet so different. She suddenly longed for the famous Delhi brashness; to hear Delhi’s punjabaiya Hindi, for home!
Her mind drifted back to the book she had just finished. And the rest of the world faded into oblivion. For the moment she was Elizabeth and he, Mr Darcy, she thought dreamily about Anubhav, her husband. “Only difference is that my Mr. Darcy isn’t quite so rich” Monali thought ruefully. She thought about her first Mills and Boon book. How long ago was it? 15-16 years? She, like so many girls her age had found romance in those pages and had formed the image of the perfect prince charming.
The magic of the book she had just finished was wearing off, and she was back in reality. As a 16 year old, Monali would have refused to accept that at 29 she would still be struggling, hanging on for dear life in an overcrowded bus. Her future was about prince charming, and a comfortable life, a life that was better than the daily financial struggles she lived through…..
Monali was a dreamer, had always been, but she was brave enough to face the reality and stand by her decisions. Marrying Anubhav was her choice. Marrying a man who earned half of what she did had drawn murmurs of disapproval from her otherwise liberal family. But Anubhav was an amazing human being – honest, loving, free-thinking, and he had the potential to make it big….Monali believed in him, and her belief and happiness was all her family asked for.
Yet, there were times when she wondered what it would have been like if she had agreed to an arranged marriage with that super rich commercial pilot? Or that business magnate who had taken a fancy to her at some family wedding?
“Not again” Monali thought guiltily as she touched her mangalsutra. “I love Anubhav” she told herself forcefully, and found she could believe her words still.
Life wasn’t a bed of roses, far from it. Monali did get tired of being the primary provider of the family even after four years of marriage, while Anubhav pursued his dream of becoming a musician. Paying the EMIs for a house that wasn’t even in her name, looking after the financial needs of Anubhav’s extended family did drain her out at times!
Was love enough? Was she being selfish in wanting a better life? Perhaps an easier life where it wasn’t a tough decision reaching for the simple things she wanted from life – being able to buy her favourite book or music, going for that vacation. She wasn’t materialistic. But was it too much to hope for a day when she could go to sleep without wondering what will happen if lost her job? She didn’t mind working; she had worked hard to reach the position in her career that could be termed successful. If she were single, her job as the assistant manager in a marketing firm would have given her a life of luxury. She loved the challenges of her work, the money it gave her. But she didn’t even have the freedom to spend the money at her will. The money was needed at home, to pay all those bills…..
Monali was rudely awakened from her reverie by the shrill laughter of a child. She turned to look at her new companion, a little toddler looking adoringly at his proud mother. Monali smiled at the child, drawing instant smile from the baby. She touched his fingers, feeling tears burning behind her eyes. She abruptly turned to her refuge, her window. How she longed for a child. Her emotions, her body longed to hold her child, Anubhav’s and her in her arms…But how could she? Anubhav wasn’t settled yet, even after 4 years of marriage…Monali couldn’t afford to leave her job to look after the baby, and Anubhav had made it clear that if they have a child, one of them will have to be a stay at home parent. Expecting an Indian man to be a stay at home dad was taking it too far, although Anubhav did suggest it a few times….. “No regrets”. Monali was getting angry with herself now; her negative thoughts were becoming too persistent. This wasn’t her. She was never like this; she was the fighter, the dreamer. Did the dreamer in her just die?

A sudden tap on her shoulder jerked her out of her trance. The familiar face of the conductor loomed large as he said “madam aapnar stop”. Monali hurriedly picked her jhola, threaded her way out of the crowded bus. It was drizzling out side and there was a slight chill in the air, her favourite weather. She took a deep breath, closed her eyes and felt the first raindrops on her face. Monali looked deep inside her soul, to find her strength, to start dreaming again... Monali opened her eyes and smiled! The smile broadened into a silent laugh as she watched Anubhav waiting for her in his age-eaten bike, drenched to the bone. The raindrops were rejuvenating her soul. Yes, she believed in soul mates. Hers was standing right in front of her. Together they will make it. Together they will make all their dreams come true…..

And they did come true...I have many more dreams, sure they will come true too....

Wednesday, February 23, 2011


I knew ‘God’ even before I understood the meaning of the word. The earliest memory I have is that of me sitting in the corner of our dusty garden, crying. The memories are foggy, but I do remember that I cried a lot. Maybe its my way of burying the bad memories. I cried because my parents always seemed to fight, I cried because time and again I was told how ugly I was. I had three beautiful elder sisters and even as a five year old I was made aware of the fact that I was an aberration. Every guest who visited us added a new cruel comment that sent me hiding, from the world, from myself.

But even then a small breeze would come floating in, engulf me and tell me how special I was. That breeze would make me feel like a princess. That breeze gave me strength dust my dirty dress, smile and go back to face the world. That breeze sometimes became a sweet song, when I hid in the dark corner of the cupboard. As I grew up, I realized that breeze was God, my God. God never made life easy for me, never took away the obstacles. God gave me courage to fight and grow. I never had to go to place of worship or follow a religion because I found God in my heart, in my soul. It was God who showed me that I did not need to be beautiful to be loved, and suddenly the world loved me-because I had learned to love myself.

God helped me look beyond the ugliness of this world. What was it, if not the strength of God that helped me to live a normal life after a so called uncle tried to molest me as a seven year old, and later when my sister’s boy friend tried to do the same?
I was never bitter. Even after my fiance of four years cheated on me, and the relation came to a heartbreaking end. I did not suddenly stop believing in men or love. And God gave me my soul mate. No matter what, I never lost my faith…even when my father died of cancer, when all my family was questioning God, I did not. The only time I questioned God was when I was TTC. The day I realized that I was losing that special song, that cool breeze, that God no longer spoke tome, I stopped TTC.

What I had was special and TTC almost destroyed that. I still have not heard God in a long time..but I fee his presence, and I know soon he will speak to me again…

Saturday, February 19, 2011

Life in Bullet Points

  • Yesterday was my fifth wedding anniversary. I had a talk with M sometime back about our marriage and its future. Yesterday, M took a day off from both college and office. A huge, huge deal for him. He never takes time off, for anybody! That’s the main problem we have in our marriage. Not only that. M also did not take any calls from anybody and when his office folks paged him about some important stuff that needed to be done, he mailed them that he would come early in the morning to finish that work. He went to office today morning 5am! Just so he could spend the whole of yesterday with his family. It’s a start, a good start. I think we can work things out. This was my status on FB yesterday “He may not gift me diamonds, but he shampooed my hair when I was too ill to do so myself. He may not buy flowers for me, but his tears when he saw me in pain after the wisdom tooth extraction was enough gift for me. Happy Anniversary Mallik. Our marriage is a roller coaster ride, thank God for that. I would have lost interest long ago otherwise...”
  • . I don’t think I mentioned earlier that Danny started teething late. He got his first tooth after his first birthday. He now has 7 teeth. Now his molar is on its way out. Ouch, ouch, ouch. I was in any case wasn’t getting enough sleep, but now Danny is waking up every TWO hours at night. Any suggestions on how to ease his pain? And mine?
  • . During the first two months after Danny’s birth, he refused to sleep – at all! I actually carried him around the whole day. The moment I put him down he would start howling. I went days without bathing ( I had NO help). Food became a luxury. In the third month I discovered the binky and what a lifesaver it was. Danny learned to sleep! Next two months were the best. He slept in his crib and everything was fantastic. But then he learned to roll over and I got scared shit of SIDS so I bought him over to our bed to co-sleep. I tried to get him back to his crib – no use. Danny now owns our bed. BAD BAD for my sleep. This guy’s a mover. He moves 360 degrees and kicks and sits up and talks in his sleep, sigh.
  • .Danny is almost potty trained. We still have accidents, but they are few and far between. Danny is diaper free during the daytime. Night time is another story altogether.
  • . No more TTC for me. I have given up. Call me a loser if you want to, but I can’t take the stress. I have my miracle baby, and if the Universe wants, we will be able to adopt our second child. I am thinking of getting my tubes tied. What? An infertile getting her tubes tied seems ridiculous . but otherwise a single unprotected incident gives way to hope, and then heartbreak.
  • . Yesterday, we got news that a little baby girl has been abandoned in M’s friend’s hospital. It breaks my heart. Things like these are very common here in India where a girl child is unwanted. She is three months old. The hospital administration is trying to get her adopted. We said we are interested. Haven’t heard from them yet. I live in hope.
  • . I have started chanting again. Chanting helped me so much earlier, and I am sure it will help me find myself again. I am walking out of the darkness. I don’t like it here.

Thursday, February 17, 2011


Footsteps of childhood slowly disappeared behind the misty haze of city life. I looked around to find the innocent smile, the wide-eyed gaze, and all I could find was cynicism. Did I lose the child in me? I shivered at the thought. Did I finally become one of them?? One of the adults I smirked at as a 13-year-old? I closed my eyes and looked deep inside, and there she was, the little Chhandita I had known years ago. I so wanted her back. she smiled and said “I was never away, I am the one who feels the bliss when raindrops touches your face, when the smell of the wet earth wafts in I am the one who closes my eyes and feels like I am in heaven, you can never shut me out, try as hard as you want” I opened my eyes and smiled, the smile of self discovery.

Saturday, February 12, 2011


I love this video so much, couldn't help re-posting it for your viewing pleasure!

Danny at 14 months.

It always make me smile :)

Friday, February 11, 2011

How does it feel to have saved a life?

Tuesday night M got a call from a long lost friend. The friends father in law while traveling from city P to city B had collapsed in the train. He was traveling alone. The train was to pas through our city in an hour. She asked M to please check how he was. M not only went to the train station to check on him, but got him off the train, put him on an ambulance, and got him admitted to a hospital. M stayed with him till his relatives flew down here.

M actually saved that man's life. I wonder how that feels. M simply shrugs it off.

There are times (they are more frequent now) when I want to leave M. I am having a lots of second thoughts about our marriage. But one thing I cannot take away from him. M is a great human being and I love him for that.

There is so much I need to write. About my marriage. About shit I was going through. About being an imperfect mother but I get no time. Danny naps only once in the day time, and when he does I nap along with him. He still not sleeping through the night, and this is the only way for him to get some sleep.

But thanks for checking on me :)

Tuesday, February 8, 2011


My story? Danny is ill, taking antibiotic shots for the last 5 days and the nurse at clinic? she rolls her eyes when my D starts crying...yeah, I surely need to tell my 16 month old to be brave! hell, he is being such a nuisance to others. SO what if he was ill this whole last week? So what if he had taken 5 shot in his little tush? So what if he today has rashes all over his body, and had blood taken - second time in less then a week?

Monday, February 7, 2011

Shit happens

Its happening way too regularly in my life. I NEED A BREAK. God I so need a break from all this shit.

Friday, February 4, 2011

Hurts to see him cry

Danny is unwell. He is suffering from fever since Monday. Yesterday his temp reached 104! Doctor Said he needs to be hospitalized. Thankfully, our regular ped said he has tonsils and needs antibiotic shots for the next 5 days. Poor baby! My heart breaks to see him suffer like this.

M couldn't come to the doc yesterday as he had deadlines at work. I totally understand. What I don't understand is why he had to go meet his friends after work for a few drinks?

I am angry...