tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-79977390629676686102024-03-14T11:36:18.127+05:30As Good As It Gets....As Good As It Gets?Chttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11395529198459662630noreply@blogger.comBlogger233125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7997739062967668610.post-88090472956724316732014-12-29T13:44:00.002+05:302014-12-30T10:29:01.485+05:30Better Late...We brought Aaryaana home! It's been over three months since we became a family of four. We got 'the' call on 17th September, a day after Danny's fifth birthday. We brought her home the next day. I had no clue it will be so difficult! For a few days, I was wrecked with guilt. I felt like I had betrayed Danny in some way. It took me a few weeks before I finally fell in love with this amazing baby. When she came home, she was puny - just over 4 kgs at 5 months! And she was ill and had reflux. She kept puking all the time. But now? Now she is a thriving 8 month old baby. She is spirited, oh hell, she is spirited! She is crawling, sitting, babbling, clapping, waving...she is just perfect.<br />
<br />
Here she is with her great granny.<br />
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<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-vGv1sp_10UE/VKENbnnwtoI/AAAAAAAAAg0/35uHMXTPufs/s1600/Image5196.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-vGv1sp_10UE/VKENbnnwtoI/AAAAAAAAAg0/35uHMXTPufs/s1600/Image5196.jpg" height="320" width="179" /></a></div>
<br />
PS: Deborah, If you are reading this, I need that invite girl!<br />
<br />Chttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11395529198459662630noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7997739062967668610.post-6109326307399776762014-08-06T10:38:00.000+05:302014-08-06T10:38:02.439+05:30I saw an angel...Aaryana,<br />
<br />
26th July, 2014. As they brought you out of that room, my heart was beating so fast, I felt it would burst. We were told that we would be matched with a baby 6-8 months of age. But when we saw you, we were shocked! You were tiny! 3 months! Within minutes your big brother was in love with you, and we soon followed suit. I wish I could have hidden you and brought you home right then!<br />
<br />
We then took you for your medical tests. As they were drawing blood for some tests, and Danny saw you crying, he started crying too. He said to me ' it's all your fault, why did you bring her here? she is crying'. Yes, Yaana, Danny is totally in love with you. Already the protective big brother. That very evening we were told that all the tests came back clear. But yes, you were underweight, and that is an understatement. But we were not allowed to take you home with us. There was still some paperwork left to be done. You have no idea how our hearts broke as we handed you back. We were told you will be home in a week. It has been 10 days now. We are hoping to bring you home by this weekend, before rakhi. But I am not so hopeful. In India, things take their own sweet time.<br />
<br />
We have done all the shopping that needed to be done and now we wait. We are trying to live each day as it comes, but knowing that you are there all alone is just killing. I am praying hard. So are all your aunties. Come home soon baby...<br />
<br />
Mamma.Chttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11395529198459662630noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7997739062967668610.post-83501637794812298602014-07-25T11:33:00.002+05:302014-07-25T11:33:48.187+05:30Light at the end of the tunnelDear Aaryana...<br />
<br />
Tomorrow we get to see you for the first time. It's been close to year since we started the process again. And soon you'll be home. Tomorrow your dada, big bro Danny, and mamma will come to see you, take you to the doctor for a few tests. But they won't allow us to bring you home tomorrow. That will take another week or so :( But as we wait, we'll shop for you :) Hold on baby, we are coming to get you....<br />
<br />
Momma.<br />
<br />Chttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11395529198459662630noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7997739062967668610.post-22396188283767616742014-07-23T10:58:00.000+05:302014-07-23T10:58:23.193+05:30The Endless Wait...<div class="MsoNormal">
I completely forgot that I had a blog! But am glad I was
reminded of it! </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
It’s been over a year since my last post. A lot has happened…</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I started working, albeit from home, doing what I love most—editing!
And some writing too! And that too about infertility and adoption for a parenting website –momjunction.com.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
But this was also the time when my health almost gave way. I
discovered that my heart really wasn’t working as well as it should. After a
scary trip to the ER, I am now under medication and doing okay.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
But the biggest news I have is that we jumped right back on
the adoption bandwagon! And the wait has been killing. The baby is there, we
are just waiting for that phone call, as lill Aaryana spends another week at
the orphanage. I am losing sleep over it. Things keep getting delayed and it
feels like TTC again..it hurts as badly.</div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
Please pray for us. It's time we complete our family…it’s
been a long time coming…</div>
Chttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11395529198459662630noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7997739062967668610.post-67236273290478610532013-04-02T21:39:00.000+05:302013-04-02T21:43:46.700+05:30Reclaiming My VoiceI have been gone from this place for a long time and this time, the absence was intentional. I needed this time away from blogland to heal. This place had become an obsession. The kind of stress I felt about each post, each comment - was no longer healthy. I would keep track of my followers and would analyze why others had more comments or readers.<br />
<br />
There were nights when I couldn't sleep well, obsessing over who commented what, where and why! I saw bloggers, who I had started to think of as my friends, become close to others and form groups. I began to feel left out. It began to feel like a popularity contest. It felt like high school all over again. Only trouble is, I never was a part of the happening crowd in school, or in college. I could care less about what people thought about me, but suddenly it did matter.<br />
<br />
It might have been a part of my battle with extreme anxiety and depression. But this blog, this community was no longer my safe haven. I had twisted it into something I lost sleep over. I had started living in this place. I had no life or friends IRL. I needed a break. I needed the break to reclaim my place in this world. I needed this break to discover MY unique voice again.<br />
<br />
I hope to keep blogging regularly. But now I hope to stay true to myself. I never cared about being popular. I won't fall into that trap again. I want to live with my words. I want to find joy again with this beautiful language. I hope to find the sense of freedom, the sense of walking the path that was meant for me.Chttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11395529198459662630noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7997739062967668610.post-5455946079353641962012-07-05T11:49:00.002+05:302012-07-05T11:49:54.241+05:30Back HomeThis is home isn't it? This blog? This space? I was away for way to long. I thought somebody had hacked my account (whenever I tried to open my blog it said this blog has been removed) but I got it back. I have had trouble posting and commenting as I am using my phone but I came out to a cafe because I need to reconnect. I have to make this quick as I have to go pick Danny from his school.<br />
<br />
* I finally went to see a doctor for my depression and and anxiety. The situation had become so bad that I went 5 days without eating, it was almost like my mind was trying to kill my body. I am on medication and healing.<br />
* M cancelled our adoption process in December. He wanted to TTC. So we did. Five failed cycles later, we were supposed to start three medicated (Clomid) cycles last month. But M fell it with Epidytimis (spl?) So now I don't know where we are. We need to wait for a few months before we TTC again. But there is a fear that the infection he had might have had bad impact on his swimmers. We will see. Right now, I am in a limbo. I don't even know if I want another baby! I am so done TTC but M wants to TTC. and adoption is out till we try these three cycles. Can you imagine? I am waiting for the next 3 cycles to fail actually.<br />
* Danny is doing great! I love him to bits. He is completely potty trained hurrayyyy.<br />
<br />
There is so much more I want to share. Hope somebody is around.Chttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11395529198459662630noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7997739062967668610.post-73880807267413128632011-11-01T11:25:00.001+05:302011-11-01T11:26:19.077+05:30The story of the bitter infertile and her fertile friendI, obviously, am the bitter infertile in this story. My friend N and I have been friends for over 17 years. N got married in February 2008 and got her BFP in April. I was 14-15 weeks along at that time. The news of her pregnancy was not tough on me, as I had my own miracle baby growing inside me. I was a little confused on how some people have it so easy? But otherwise, we went through our pregnancy together, and it was fun to have someone to share each and every aspect of this wonderful experience. Danny was born on 16th Sept at 37 weeks. N's son was born on 12th Dec at 39 weeks. There was a sense of competition straight away. Who is cuter? Who s the better mom? N actually asked my as to how Danny was so fair given that M is dark? and kept saying that her son should have been fairer given that both N and her DH are fair. I too, kept comparing our sons and how and when they met their milestones.<br />
<br />
I started feeling a distance between us. She did not approve of My style of parenting. N's son still does not sleep through the night and asks to be breastfed at least 2-3 times a night. She posted on FB about this and asked what she should do. I replied wit what I had done - controlled CIO. and she replied "I am not that kind of a mom. I cant see my son crying". That really hurt me. and then when I met her in May this year she commented "Oh! Danny whines so much" Yes, Danny is a cry baby. he cries More than other kids but who likes to hear their friend say that in front of 10 other people?<br />
<br />
And then it happened. I called N last week and she said "I have some news" I immediately blurted out "You are pregnant". and yes she is! She is 9 weeks along and had no idea she was pregnant. They were not trying and were not sure they wanted to continue the pregnancy. I swear I didn't expect the way I felt. I felt the same gut wrenching pain I used to feel earlier in the IF journey. I said "I am so jealous" She said why? You are adopting. She is absolutely right obviously. I am not even TTC (officially). I know my daughter will be here in a year or so. Yet, I felt that pain that I cannot even describe. It was so unreasonable. I just do not understand how people get pregnant *Just*Like*That!<br />
<br />
I talked myself out of that pain somehow. I hugged danny, and thanked the universe for my little miracle. I know I needed to support N. So called her again yesterday. She has decided to continue with the pregnancy. I was 100% with her. and the she said "but why are you adopting? Why don't you to BD and it will be fun to pregnant together again." I lost it then. am not proud of it. I almost shouted "BECAUSE I CANNOT GT PREGNANT just like that. You think we haven't had unprotected sex these 2 years? It doesn't happen so easily to me." I guess I should have expected her response. I am not the only person who has trouble conceiving. But nobody else it seems cribs the way I do.<br />
<br />
I should simply shut up about this infertility shit. That's what N said. I obviously have no right to feel pain and talk about it wit my friend of 17 years.<br />
<br />
I no longer feel we are friends. It feel so sad but it feels like all we have in common now is our past. It hurts me. Would it have been the same without IF? Has infertility really made me so bitter and cynical?Chttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11395529198459662630noreply@blogger.com24tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7997739062967668610.post-72414555654104128172011-10-13T11:15:00.002+05:302011-10-13T12:37:08.929+05:30Being a single parent...No, no! its not what you think! M and I are still together, working our way through a messy period of marriage. Things are better, but we have a long way to go - but that's a whole different post altogether. <br />
<br />
I have been MIA for how long now? too long to remember actually. My stupid laptop keyboard broke down and I had no time to get it repaired. And then I went away to delhi for 3 glorious weeks (did nothing but laze around - bliss!) Came back and it was the festive season. I continued to follow your blogs but obviously could not comment due to my stupid keyboard. I am at an internet cafe right now so catching up. (Note to elf: get your keyboard repaired asap)<br />
<br />
Now back to being a single parent. M has taken this 45 day <a href="http://www.indiadivine.org/audarya/hinduism-forum/740407-rules-deeksha.html">Aiyyappa </a>Diksha. He comes at 7am and leaves at 930 am, just 2 and a half hours each day! That more or less makes me a single mom yeah? its just been 4 days. 41 days to go. wish me luck girls.<br />
<br />
Danny turned 2 last month. He is just awesome. my skinny bubba. He talks, man does he talk. He is already talking in 6-7 word sentences in 4 different languages. he knows 3-4 rhymes. But cannot recognize any colour, I wonder whats up? He can count 1-10 (not always in order though).<br />
<br />
Okay this got to do for now.<br />
<br />
I leave you with some pics.<br />
<br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-iVgCNoOVqqY/TpaMJPpYaUI/AAAAAAAAAa0/QY0kwX6aCDk/s1600/P9150131.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-iVgCNoOVqqY/TpaMJPpYaUI/AAAAAAAAAa0/QY0kwX6aCDk/s320/P9150131.JPG" width="320" /></a></div><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-xnZNIhoJEdI/TpaMjThD6PI/AAAAAAAAAa8/05cKc8n1Uzo/s1600/P1010017.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-xnZNIhoJEdI/TpaMjThD6PI/AAAAAAAAAa8/05cKc8n1Uzo/s320/P1010017.JPG" width="320" /></a></div>Chttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11395529198459662630noreply@blogger.com9tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7997739062967668610.post-44976150673879988362011-08-06T23:08:00.000+05:302011-08-06T23:08:34.956+05:30A blog with substance<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <w:WordDocument> <w:View>Normal</w:View> <w:Zoom>0</w:Zoom> <w:TrackMoves/> <w:TrackFormatting/> <w:PunctuationKerning/> <w:ValidateAgainstSchemas/> <w:SaveIfXMLInvalid>false</w:SaveIfXMLInvalid> <w:IgnoreMixedContent>false</w:IgnoreMixedContent> <w:AlwaysShowPlaceholderText>false</w:AlwaysShowPlaceholderText> <w:DoNotPromoteQF/> <w:LidThemeOther>EN-US</w:LidThemeOther> <w:LidThemeAsian>X-NONE</w:LidThemeAsian> <w:LidThemeComplexScript>X-NONE</w:LidThemeComplexScript> <w:Compatibility> <w:BreakWrappedTables/> <w:SnapToGridInCell/> <w:WrapTextWithPunct/> <w:UseAsianBreakRules/> <w:DontGrowAutofit/> <w:SplitPgBreakAndParaMark/> <w:DontVertAlignCellWithSp/> <w:DontBreakConstrainedForcedTables/> <w:DontVertAlignInTxbx/> <w:Word11KerningPairs/> <w:CachedColBalance/> </w:Compatibility> <w:BrowserLevel>MicrosoftInternetExplorer4</w:BrowserLevel> <m:mathPr> <m:mathFont m:val="Cambria Math"/> <m:brkBin m:val="before"/> <m:brkBinSub m:val="--> <m:smallfrac m:val="off"> <m:dispdef> <m:lmargin m:val="0"> <m:rmargin m:val="0"> <m:defjc m:val="centerGroup"> <m:wrapindent m:val="1440"> <m:intlim m:val="subSup"> <m:narylim m:val="undOvr"> </m:narylim></m:intlim> </m:wrapindent><!--[endif]--><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <w:LatentStyles DefLockedState="false" DefUnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<div class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-GB">One of my favourite bloggers, <a href="http://aishaiqbal.blogspot.com/2011/08/substantive-blogger-award.html">Aisha </a>just passed on this wonderful award. </span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-5y3ubFsNXyA/Tj16gCwE6oI/AAAAAAAAAZ4/3zWJKV1kTNE/s1600/awaed.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-5y3ubFsNXyA/Tj16gCwE6oI/AAAAAAAAAZ4/3zWJKV1kTNE/s1600/awaed.jpg" /></a></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-GB">Thanks so much Aisha! Aisha is a fellow desi and I love to read her posts because I feel she speaks my language. And her comments are always insightful. </span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
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</style> <![endif]--> </m:defjc></m:rmargin></m:lmargin></m:dispdef></m:smallfrac></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-GB">The rules are simple:</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-GB">Name 7 random things about yourself and nominate 7 bloggers.<br />
<br />
Here are some random facts about me:</span></div><ul><li><span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: Symbol;"><span>·<span style="font: 7pt "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span><span lang="EN-GB">I never ate eggs on the day of my exams. You know egg=circle= zero? Stupid, I know.</span></li>
</ul><ul><li><span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: Symbol;"><span>·<span style="font: 7pt "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span><span lang="EN-GB">Till I stated working in 2003, I had a haircut every 2-3 months and my hairstylist was my brother!</span></li>
</ul><ul><li><span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: Symbol;"><span>·<span style="font: 7pt "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span><span lang="EN-GB">I am still friends with all but one of my exes. The one I am not friends with was the one I was engaged to for 4 years and who cheated on me. His loss really, don’t you think?</span></li>
</ul><ul><li><span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: Symbol;"><span>·<span style="font: 7pt "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span><span lang="EN-GB">I was a raving hypochondriac as a teenager! Not so much now thankfully.</span></li>
</ul><ul><li><span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: Symbol;"><span>·<span style="font: 7pt "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span><span lang="EN-GB">I hate shopping. And bargaining. I just go and pick up the first thing I see.</span></li>
</ul><ul><li><span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: Symbol;"><span>·<span style="font: 7pt "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span><span lang="EN-GB">I have no cousins. My dad was an only child. So is my mom. My parents made up for the lack of relatives by having 5 kids! My 3 sisters and brother are all the family I have.</span></li>
</ul><ul><li><span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif"; font-size: 11pt; line-height: 115%;">The first time I smoked was when I was a 15 year old. I stole some of my sister’s boy friends ciggis and took them to school – an all girls school that too and smoked in the loo with my kick ass friends.</span></li>
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</style> <![endif]--> <div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpFirst" style="text-indent: -0.25in;"><span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: Symbol;"><span>·<span style="font: 7pt "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span><span lang="EN-GB">And now to pass on this award to seven of my favourite bloggers.</span></div><div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpLast"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-GB"><a href="http://saintaltrove.blogspot.com/">StElsewhere </a>– She is just an amazing blogger and an even more amazing human. It helps that she is a fellow Indian.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-GB"><a href="http://esperanzasays.wordpress.com/">Esperanza </a>and <a href="http://jjiraffe.wordpress.com/">JJiraffe </a>– I love the way these woman write. Most of time I get so involved with what they have written that I forget to comment! </span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-GB"><a href="http://unglamorous-mommy.blogspot.com/">Deborah</a>– A recent bloggy friend who is just so human. I totally feel at home at her blog. She is a great support too.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-GB"><a href="http://afieldofdreams-athena.blogspot.com/">Athena </a>– My favourite Aussie! I simply adore this lady and her blogs are just out of this world.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-GB"><a href="http://booksbabiesthirties.blogspot.com/">ThirtiesGirl </a>– Brave, brave!</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-GB"><a href="http://thesmartness.com/">The Smart One</a> – What can I say about her that hasn’t been said before?</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div></m:defjc></m:rmargin></m:lmargin></m:dispdef></m:smallfrac>Chttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11395529198459662630noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7997739062967668610.post-43632556941877750012011-08-03T10:28:00.000+05:302011-08-03T10:28:26.098+05:30Being a Stay at home mom...I never ever thought I would be a SAHM! That was just not me. When I got my BFP, I left my job because I was forced. The Doctor wanted me not to travel during the first 12 weeks. It was tough for I was the primary earner of the family at that point of time. But my baby came first. There was no way in hell I was taking any chance with my pregnancy. I worked from on and off, thinking I would stat working when D was 6 months old. The first 6 months, I had no time to even understand what was happening. I felt so rushed and out of sorts. When D turned 6 months old, I started looking out for a job but reality hit hard. I could find no job that did justice to my education and experience.<br />
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For some one like me, who loves the outdoors, who simply loves to talk with people, being a SAHM is tough. Don't get me wrong. I do cherish each moment I spend with Danny. But I KNOW that I would have been a better mother if I spent a few hours outside, on my own each day. Last month, I finally got that perfect job offer.<br />
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But I am still a SAHM. There is nobody I can leave Danny with while I work. I couldn't find a nanny who was reliable and cost effective. The daycare scene here in India is not really that good. All the good day cares are just too far. My MIL cannot come and look after D as she is staying and looking after my SIL's kids (aged 10 & 5) while my SIL and her husband work in Singapore.<br />
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MIL did suggest that I drop D at her place each morning and pick him up in the evenings. But that would have added almost 3 hours of travel time to the normal travel time of 2 hours. Travelling 5 hours each day? Doesn't sound too god does it?<br />
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So here I am, working from home. Trying to tell myself how lucky I am that I get to stay at home. But honestly? I wish it was otherwise. I am not very happy with the way I parent at the moment. I hate cooking, I hate doing household chores (other than cleaning). I am just not a domestic person. Some of you may judge me. Does the fact that I want to work make me a bad mom?Chttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11395529198459662630noreply@blogger.com10tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7997739062967668610.post-51376854423529466462011-07-27T11:15:00.000+05:302011-07-27T11:15:59.861+05:30Who am I?<div>Whenever I tell people that my husband is Telugu and that we had an interregional marriage people (mostly unmarried women) go “OH! How sweet”…</div><br />
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<div>I am a Bengali, who was born and brought up in Delhi, and am married to a born and brought up in Hyderabad Telugu. Thanks to the Internet, we met, fell in love and decided to get married. The fact that he belonged to a different culture and spoke an alien language was never an issue with me. I wasn’t much of a Bengali myself. Growing up, I was surrounded by Punjabi friends and was more at home with rajma chawal then maachh bhaat. My ex boss even began calling me ‘fake Bengali’. Can’t blame her really, after all I don’t fit into the typical Bengali women image at all. A typical Bengali is ‘supposed’ to love sweet (I don’t), Maachh (gave up non-vegetarian food at 19), and Bengali literature (My only exposure to Bengali literature were my school text books!)</div><br />
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<div>So I considered myself to be the multi cultural woman, at home with all differing cultures, capable of adapting and adopting different ways of life…</div><br />
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<div>The problems started when we started discussing the wedding logistics. They wanted the wedding to be in Hyderabad, I said Delhi, They agreed but only if the wedding was conducted in the typical Telugu tradition. I agreed. I was already learning the sine qua non of marriage – Compromising! The eight hour long marriage ceremony gave me a glimpse of the things to come. The muhurat was for 3 in the morning! And we were sitting in the mandap from 10pm! And it all ended at 6 am! I was later informed that the Pandit had actually taken liberty and cut short the wedding rituals!</div><br />
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<div>As I made my way to the station after the marriage, leaving behind everything I knew, loved and understood, my sister whispered in my ears “Best of luck”. I knew at that moment that my life had changed forever; the adventure had begun!In the train I sat surrounded by my new family, all chattering away, laughing at jokes I didn’t understand. I must have looked stupid sitting there staring at their faces, I must have been trying my hand at telepathy I guess…What were they saying?? I clung to my husband, not because I was home sick (that hadn’t set in yet) but because I could talk to him. He spoke my language!!!!</div><br />
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<div>In Hyderabad, a constant stream of my husband’s relatives came to inspect the new bride. Well, they were not too happy of course. They had hoped for a nice traditional Telugu bride, and here I was: the shorthaired, salwar clad girl from Delhi. They came, smiled and asked me “do you know Telugu?” I replied with the only word I had managed to learn “Kuncham kuncham” (A little). That satisfied them for the time being. …</div><br />
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<div>Meal times were a punishment. The food! It was rice in the afternoon, rice for dinner, and at times even for breakfast! I missed my daily dose of chapattis! If I had to eat them, I had to make them myself. Well I decided that is was easier to learn to appreciate rice (thanks to my Bengali genes I guess!)…I also learned the art of drifting into my world of daydreams, while my eyes wore the look of intense involvement in the conversation-taking place around me, of which I couldn’t decipher a word!</div><br />
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<div>And how can I forget those never ending rituals, which were very much a part of my husband’s family, but were completely alien to me. Before marriage, the one event that was remotely religious to me was Durga Puja, and that too had lost its sheen over time… I was a spiritualist who did not believe in Idol worship, who was married into a family whose idea of a vacation was going for a pilgrimage!</div><br />
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<div>Five years have passed,I still crave to hear Bangla. I call and speak to my mother for hours, some times just for the pleasure of hearing the beautiful language that’s my mother tongue.</div><br />
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<div>Now everything ‘Bengali’ appeals to me. I have re-discovered Rabindranath Tagore, I enjoy the neo-Bengali rock music. The ‘shakha pola’ are my ultimate fashion accessories; I could even smell Durga Pujo in the air last October! I have discovered the Bengali in me. Now a simple Bengali phrase heard in the bus puts a big grin on my face, now my interests lingers on the Bengali channels for a little while longer then usual….</div><br />
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<div>I miss the much-hated Delhi winter chill, sitting under the razai, eating moongfalis and indulging in some heated adda sessions.</div><br />
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<div>I am adapting to Hyderabad too, and it almost feels like home now, but can it ever replace the city and culture I left behind? This feeling has nothing do with regionalism and everything to do with a sense of identity. Inter-regional marriages are ‘sweet’ all right, but they are also lots of hard work and understanding. I have realized that my individuality means a lot to mean and I have also learned to draw a line on how much I am willing to compromise. I don’t ask my husband to learn Bengali and he doesn’t ask me to learn Telugu. Both of us have our distinct eccentric identities, and I don’t think either of us has to give up on our beliefs to make this marriage work. Now that Danny is here, I atleast have someone to talk with in Bengali!</div>Chttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11395529198459662630noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7997739062967668610.post-73470488656448062972011-07-25T20:42:00.000+05:302011-07-25T20:42:05.909+05:30Just for Laughs<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-epCvWitDZ3I/Ti2HmdhXefI/AAAAAAAAAZo/YhMX-yvyhhY/s1600/1.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-epCvWitDZ3I/Ti2HmdhXefI/AAAAAAAAAZo/YhMX-yvyhhY/s1600/1.png" /></a></div><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-1EZkjRDYB7o/Ti2HpZVD7UI/AAAAAAAAAZs/ef451bDZ4A0/s1600/2.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="192" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-1EZkjRDYB7o/Ti2HpZVD7UI/AAAAAAAAAZs/ef451bDZ4A0/s320/2.png" width="320" /></a></div><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-DXCgfRNpCT8/Ti2Hp_wALOI/AAAAAAAAAZw/M2emyex9NAc/s1600/3q.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-DXCgfRNpCT8/Ti2Hp_wALOI/AAAAAAAAAZw/M2emyex9NAc/s1600/3q.jpg" /></a></div><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-0ES_miIWXZM/Ti2HrGe64fI/AAAAAAAAAZ0/9NMcmlHs4io/s1600/4.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-0ES_miIWXZM/Ti2HrGe64fI/AAAAAAAAAZ0/9NMcmlHs4io/s320/4.jpg" width="215" /></a></div>Chttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11395529198459662630noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7997739062967668610.post-68066487223284868082011-07-16T20:18:00.000+05:302011-07-16T20:18:47.636+05:30Why I almost lost it....<i>This post contains facts that no one even in my family are aware of. I needed to be honest and look at all that I have faced and share it. I have pretended to be alright for way to long but now I DO have reasons to smile...</i><br />
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<div class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-GB">My life after marriage was tough, to say the least. I had several fights with my MIL and SIL. My MIL sold my husband’s family home and shifted to stay with her daughter. We were forced to move into a rented house with my husbands 78 year old grandmother and 8 year old brother. We were paying off a huge loan my husband had taken to marry his sister off. Things were tough but as both my husband and I were working we managed okay and even managed buy an under construction house. </span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-GB">But things took a turn for the worse when I got pregnant in 2009. I was forced to quit my job as mine was a high risk pregnancy. It was almost impossible to manage paying a loan, monthly EMI’s plus taking care of a family with only my husbands salary. So we decided to put our house for sale. That was in 2009 March. But we found no buyers. Soon we had used up all our savings to pay the EMI’s and had nothing left. We had no option but to default on our EMI’s. We lost our house. We lost our dream.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-GB">Our financial struggles continued as it was really difficult to look after a young baby, a teenager and an old lady. At the end of each month we had no money left. I struggled to attend meeting due to the lack of money. And when my son fell ill, I had to sell my gold necklace to pay for the treatment.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-GB">I was also struggling with my health in this time. I sufferd from severe body aches and acute exhaustion. In fact the tiredness was so bad that when I woke up in the mornings I used to feel like I had just run a marathon. No doctor was able to give me a correct diagnosis.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-GB">My brother, whom I love like my own son, was also struggling and that was making me feel very helpless. He worked hard but never got credited for it. Other’s always seemed to find favour with is boss while he was left behind. </span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-GB">My parents house in Delhi was breaking down. After my father’s death, we had tried to look after the house but after marriage the responsibility had fallen on our brother. With his low salary he found it extremely difficult to do anything. The house’s wiring had all but birn4d off. Only two rooms had lights. My mom actually cooked with the candle burning. The windows had all broken off. So bad was the situation that after every rain fall water would enter our drawing room. WE feared that the rain would actually wash away the house. Living in that house was so difficult that I had not gone there with my son after his birth and stayed with my sisters each time I went to Delhi. We were trying to sell the house since 2009 and had found no buyers yet again.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-GB">My brother was so depressed with his life that one day he called me crying, saying he cannot breath, saying that he loved me. I feared for his life. I thought I was losing my brother. He was rushed to the hospital due to panic attacks. </span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-GB">I was losing the battle. By the end of 2010, I was close to a nervous breakdown.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-GB">Now my reason to smile: </span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-GB">I was finally given a diagnosis - Fibromyalgia. Now I can manage my health much better.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-GB">M appeared for his LLM entrance exam and secured 16<sup>th</sup> rank all over AP</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-GB">My relation with my Mil and SIL changed completely. So much so that when my SIL’s husband returned from Singapore this last month, he bought us a gift – a 32 inch LED TV!</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-GB">He is also sponsoring my husband’s my husband’s LLM course.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-GB">My brother finally got some credit at work and was awarded employee of the quarter by his employees. He won it among thousands of employees from all over the world. </span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-GB">My MIL transferred Rs 1 lac to my husband’s account. That’s the exact amount we needed to pay off our dept. We are now debt free, first time in 5 years! We can start saving now.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-GB">Last Tuesday, our Delhi home was finally sold. My brother got a very good price. He can now buy a new house, and a car and save some money too! He can now start a new life.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-GB">One day, I will own a house. I promise. </span></div>Chttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11395529198459662630noreply@blogger.com17tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7997739062967668610.post-90922245584468930832011-07-15T14:49:00.000+05:302011-07-15T14:49:02.776+05:30Bad Mother?<em>I really really needed to read this today. Was feeling like bad mother, a failure. Then I read this.</em><br />
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Your children are lucky to have you as a mom, because no one else could do it the same way as you.<br />
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You are special being you! You are good enough being yourself. Until you get that, all of your parenting will be hard and will suffer.<br />
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If you believe that you are not good enough, your children will pick up on that thought and believe they are not good enough either. Is that what you want? I didn't think so. So, you have to believe in yourself right now.<br />
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I am a good enough mom.I am a great mom, being myself.I am the perfect mom for my children right now.<br />
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So, you don't believe it yet? Well, that's because you may not be expressing that perfection that you are, as of yet. But the first step is in realizing and believing that deep inside, the real, authentic you IS good enough, perfect enough, enough, enough, enough, just the way you are. You don't have to go changing a thing.<br />
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Write those affirmations above out, three times. And then read them outloud, three times, even if you don't believe them yet. Because, the more you say them, the closer you will get to believing them. And then, when you are being yourself in your mothering, it WILL be perfect, perfectly YOU!<br />
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And your children will see that you are good enough and perfect being yourself. Which, in turn, helps them to believe that they are good enough being themselves.<br />
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If you want your mothering to be fun, easy and fulfilling, BE YOURSELF! Without conditions, without judgments, just BE YOURSELF! And then it won't matter what the Jones' or the Smiths' are doing or saying, because you are being yourself and that is the greatest thing in the world!<br />
What others do and say is their responsibility and what you do and say is yours.<br />
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There are many parenting experts out there that feed on your fears of not being enough. Time has come to claim your own power back. To stop listening to the experts and listen to YOURSELF. You have your own perfect and good enough answers within. And it is time to discover them.<br />
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The idea of the perfect mom is gone. It is time to replace it with the idea of the perfect you. The best you can do is your best, until you decide to do better. And then it is your choice, not the choice of a "should" or a "mother-in-law" or "your neighbor" or even your "spouse".<br />
Comparing will get you no where! How could you even compare an apple and an orange? Each one is fundamentally different. Yes, they are both fruit and yes, you and your neighbor are both moms, but each one is unique and special in their own way. YOU are unique and special in your own way!<br />
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I am unique and special being me!I am good enough! I am great!I love myself for being myself!I deserve fun, easy and fulfilling parenting!My children deserve a fun, easy and fullfilled mom!Chttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11395529198459662630noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7997739062967668610.post-73887573504056549012011-07-13T22:21:00.000+05:302011-07-13T22:21:26.466+05:3017 dead, 100 injuredAnother serial blast in Bombay. Seventen people have already died. Hundred injured. The death toll will go up.<br />
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But the saddest part? I no longer feel distraught. I saw the news. Made a few calls and simply moved onto an Adam Sandler movie. Terrorism has become a part of life here in India. I wish things were different but I am afraid the innocence is truly gone. Terrorism is here to stay, so are bomb blasts. It feel disgust that I feel this way. But that's just how I feel right now. As M just said, bomb blast feels like seasons now. They are recurring. They might not happen for sometime, but they will happen. They will come. There is no way I can imagine our Government stop them. How do you provide security to a country so crowded? Yes, I feel helpless....completely, utterly helpless......Chttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11395529198459662630noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7997739062967668610.post-84142289915569431692011-07-08T15:16:00.000+05:302011-07-08T15:16:03.030+05:30These are a few of my favourite things...I am still here in Hyderbad. We are seeing a marriage counsellor. and I am trying hypnotherapy for my issues. I have decided not to blog about my marrriage and m because things are very raw right now and I don't some one to read my blog and talk to M about it. Now is not the time to be brave. In a few months I will talk about it again.<br />
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Till then I have decided to concentrate on all that I love, all that's good in my life. Starting with RAIN!<br />
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It rained today, and it feels like heaven .Everything looks pure and pristine. The trees are dancing to a silent song I long to hear. The birds are happy too I guess. I can hear them sing. I watch the raindrops fall on my window, and I remember the days gone by.Days spent with friends, jumping over puddles, singing along our favorite songs, without a care in the world, playing cricket in the rain (yes we did that!).And today all those days are just memories, beautiful memories that makes me cry. Days have fled.On days like today, when things are perfect, my heart just flies back in time, why cant I relive those moments? I know I cant, and that’s what makes things more difficult.I am reminded of a song ‘Its yesterday once more’.So true to what I feel now...I know this feeling will pass, and I will go on living my present life as I should..<br />
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But this moment, when the memories refuse to leave me alone, when all I want is to be a 13 year old again, is precious too. Friends, I miss them so.Maybe, just maybe, if I had my friends around, I wouldn’t feel so alone on a beautiful day like today, if they were around I would have created new memories with them. But then I realize - How lucky am I to have these memories? To have friends who have stuck with me these last twenty years? How many are lucky to have such good freinds? So okay they are not around physically..but all I need to do is pick up the phone and talk to them. and then there are the memories...And I went out and got wet. Looked up into the sky and thanked the universe. The rain drops fell on my face and I remembered a song from long ago "Rimjhim girey sawan" all is good with the world. The rain still is my friend. and I have another moment that has become a beautiful memory.<br />
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And life seems perfect, right now right here. This is my god, this is my heaven. <br />
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<span></span>Chttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11395529198459662630noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7997739062967668610.post-425109580566282132011-06-29T13:03:00.000+05:302011-06-29T13:03:53.737+05:30Wordless Wednesday<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-Bd5ltaI3N74/TgrT0F5kEPI/AAAAAAAAAZI/xYG6tCiP6ow/s1600/Photo-0028.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;">21<img border="0" height="320" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-Bd5ltaI3N74/TgrT0F5kEPI/AAAAAAAAAZI/xYG6tCiP6ow/s320/Photo-0028.jpg" width="240" /></a></div><br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-g6pNwBxiTyo/TgrUO6MJ7sI/AAAAAAAAAZk/bTPMJHN83_M/s1600/danny%254020months+012.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-g6pNwBxiTyo/TgrUO6MJ7sI/AAAAAAAAAZk/bTPMJHN83_M/s320/danny%254020months+012.jpg" width="240" /></a></div> 21 months!! Danny is now going to school. Three hours a day/five days a week. He couldn't have been happier. He is now completely potty trained and speaks three languages. Trying hard to teach him a fourth. He is skinny...under fiver percentle for weight and in the 25th percentile for height. But he is adorable..for ME :). I love more each day. He is one smart cookie and knows how to get his way. When he wants something he will beg his dada "Dada PLEAJE" ...and has learned some good manners too. Never forgets to say "thank you mamma" when I give him something.Chttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11395529198459662630noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7997739062967668610.post-77038615511819155862011-06-26T19:26:00.002+05:302011-06-26T19:26:24.436+05:30Are you happily married?<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <w:WordDocument> <w:View>Normal</w:View> <w:Zoom>0</w:Zoom> <w:TrackMoves/> <w:TrackFormatting/> <w:PunctuationKerning/> <w:ValidateAgainstSchemas/> <w:SaveIfXMLInvalid>false</w:SaveIfXMLInvalid> <w:IgnoreMixedContent>false</w:IgnoreMixedContent> <w:AlwaysShowPlaceholderText>false</w:AlwaysShowPlaceholderText> <w:DoNotPromoteQF/> <w:LidThemeOther>EN-US</w:LidThemeOther> <w:LidThemeAsian>X-NONE</w:LidThemeAsian> <w:LidThemeComplexScript>X-NONE</w:LidThemeComplexScript> <w:Compatibility> <w:BreakWrappedTables/> <w:SnapToGridInCell/> <w:WrapTextWithPunct/> <w:UseAsianBreakRules/> <w:DontGrowAutofit/> <w:SplitPgBreakAndParaMark/> <w:DontVertAlignCellWithSp/> <w:DontBreakConstrainedForcedTables/> <w:DontVertAlignInTxbx/> <w:Word11KerningPairs/> <w:CachedColBalance/> </w:Compatibility> <w:BrowserLevel>MicrosoftInternetExplorer4</w:BrowserLevel> <m:mathPr> <m:mathFont m:val="Cambria Math"/> <m:brkBin m:val="before"/> <m:brkBinSub m:val="--> <m:smallfrac m:val="off"> <m:dispdef> <m:lmargin m:val="0"> <m:rmargin m:val="0"> <m:defjc m:val="centerGroup"> <m:wrapindent m:val="1440"> <m:intlim m:val="subSup"> <m:narylim m:val="undOvr"> </m:narylim></m:intlim> </m:wrapindent><!--[endif]--><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <w:LatentStyles DefLockedState="false" DefUnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<div class="MsoNormal"></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-GB">I was just reading Mel’s latest post where she wrote about her relation with her husband. While I was reading it, I felt my heart grow heavier...That was ‘us’! That’s how M and I were as a couple. We completed each other. So what went wrong? Actually M doesn’t think or realize that something is wrong. He loves me. And I still adore him. Yet, I am not happy. Is it just me? Do I have some unrealistic expectation from this marriage? What exactly do I want? M asks me that every time I try and talk this out with him. The problem is ‘I don’t know’! My IRL friends tell me that I am the lucky one, that they would have loved to have a husband like mine. <br />
</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-GB">M just completed his LLB and is now pursuing LLM. That’s his passion. I don’t begrudge him that. I am completely blown away by his will to pursue his passion. He goes to college during the mornings then does 2pm to 10pm office shift. Comes home, and ‘tries’ to be as good a father as he can be. Although, he is slacking in this department off late, but according to my friends, I have it good. That their husbands don’t help them out AT ALL. </span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-GB">The thing is, I don’t compare M with others. He is not doing as well as he could have financially. But I am okay with that. I don’t hold that against him. After all, it’s me who is not working and contributing to the household income. <br />
</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-GB">I know he loves me. So what is it? Maybe it is the fact that we hardly have any physically intimacy anymore? One of the things I have always complained about is him spending too much time with his friends. He still does that. But that is not the only problem. The problem is that even if he is home a whole weekend, I am not happy. We sit together, watching TV, having nothing to talk about. Or he sleeps. No, I am not painting a genuine picture here. Its not all gloomy. M is happy, he cracks jokes. He doesn’t understand why I am unhappy. But I want to talk. I want to laugh with him again. <br />
</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-GB">I don’t care if he spends half of his weekends with his friends. I am realizing its quality of time I need, not quantity. But how do I do it? How do I become the people we were? Both of us? Because I know I have changed too. And the only person I can expect to change is me. Funnily enough, this has nothing to do with Danny’s birth. The rut started before Danny was born. It has just become increasingly worse. One of the biggest reason is that I DONOT have a life outside of M. I don’t make friends easily. I need people who understand my eccentricity and accept them before I can become friends with them. The women I am surrounded by here, though wonderful in their own way, are just not the people I can hang around with. </span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-GB">This weekend was so wonderful because I got to hang around with my SILs, drink and laugh, and TALK. It was wonderful. I realized how much missed all that. <br />
</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-GB">I understand that problem in my marriage is more because of ME then HIM. But the point is, how do I change that? I love M. I seriously do. As Mel talked about in her post, M too is that missing piece of my brain. I cannot imagine life without him. I tried. I went to Delhi, thinking I would see how it feels. Stayed away from him, didn’t call. I was MISERABLE! <br />
</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-GB">Is this how all marriages are? </span></div>Chttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11395529198459662630noreply@blogger.com15tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7997739062967668610.post-53619114776315560682011-06-22T23:33:00.000+05:302011-06-22T23:33:18.855+05:30Welcome ICLWers and some random thoughtsHow long has it been? How long has been since <a href="http://chhandita-phoenix.blogspot.com/2009/11/unseen-life.html">I first became a mom?</a> When I changed forever? 4 long years. Yet, the memories rush in sometimes and leave me i tears. I look at Danny and wonder what s/he would have looked like. How different would life have been? I know these are questions with no answers, yet I do think of them...Not always, in fact after Danny's birth, that memory has become less painful. But there are days like today when it feels like just yesterday.<br />
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<b>Welcome ICLWers!</b>! I appreciate you dropping in to say hi. I havent been much of a blogger this last few weeks (as my last post explains) but I am getting back into the groove and your comments are just the fuel I need to get me back to action!!! <br />
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<b>What do I tell you about me?</b> I much more then just my IF journey. I am an Indian, a Buddhist. A SAHM who was formerly an Editorial Manager. I miss working, yet just cannot bring myself to leave Danny behind to start working again full time (and ahem, nobody seems to want to hire me either because I am TOO experienced) I write to reach out to people. I am honest to a fault, and my blog posts have landed me in numerous troubles because I have refused to be anonymous (too much self love can be destructive eh? ) <br />
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<b>The one thing I hate about myself?</b> Being a hypochondriac!<br />
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<b>The one thing I love about myself?</b> I NEVER give up. No matter what happens, no matter what depths of hell I am in (believe me I have seen some shitty hells in my 32 years of life), I rise (thus the phoenix in my url!) <br />
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<b>Whats happening in my life right now?</b> My husband M and I are trying to fix our marriage. and also pursuing adoption. I want to TTC# 2 too, but am not sure about that as yet. M is a good father and a good husband too, but he is yet ti learn to be a good partner. And I need to stop being too needy.<br />
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<b>Okay, enough about me, go ahead tell me about yourself!</b>Chttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11395529198459662630noreply@blogger.com11tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7997739062967668610.post-35200106445460749902011-06-18T10:33:00.000+05:302011-06-18T10:33:02.355+05:30The days gone by......were tough. 'things' happened in real life since I last posted.<br />
<br />
M's maternal grandfather died of cancer.<br />
My MIL's grandmother fell ill and is in the hospital right now.<br />
My Friend N got a BFP after years of TTC and IVF, it ended in a miscarriage.<br />
My freind K's MIL was diagnosed with Cervical cancer. Currently undergoing chemo.<br />
My BFF ND had 2 freaking surgeries to remove some lump from her breast. She has a son three months younger than Danny.<br />
My next door neighbor, whom I really admire and respect, and who is one of the best humans I know, had a stroke. He is just 45. <br />
Two of my good friends, C and P, found out that their husbands have been chheating on them. P has been married for the last 19 years. C got married in January this year.<br />
There was a huge storm here and my net connection bonked out. Couldn't send an article on time. Lost my freelance job.<br />
My marriage has a long way to go before it can be called happy.<br />
Finances were (still is actually) crappy. SO crappy that I wrote this mail to my sisters.<br />
"how are you girls? I miss being near my family actually. But in a way I am glad. I am so gladdd you all are doing well..actually everyone seems to be doing well, everyone but us that is. I don't envy you but I do feel with each passing day that I live in a different world. I feel bad that sooner than LATER Danny will realize that he is not the same as his cousins. I hope we can make enouh money before Danny is old enough to understand all this. But honestly it doesn'nt feel good to be poor. I hope we can make things better. It just feels so lonely at times..."<br />
<br />
I needed to be there with these people. I love them all so much But my body just revolted against me. I used to wake up in the morning feeling like I had jut run a marathon. I was exhausted and my body hurt, every inch of it. I tried to reach out to these wonderful people..but the constant pain and tiredness kept pushing me towards the dark hell of depression. I needed this time IRL to work on myself. My partner in my spiritual journey P told me that I was wasting so much energy on thinking. I was letting my intellect rule me, instead of letting my spirit soar. It was so true! I was convinced that I had cancer. I was too scared to go to the doctor. I decided to immerse myself in Faith, Study and Practice. Slowly I emerged....Things are still tough..but I am now concentrating on strengthening my spiritual core. I am trying not to think about spirituality. I am trying to feel it instead.<br />
<br />
PS: Thanks JJiraffe and Surly Mama for thinking of me.Chttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11395529198459662630noreply@blogger.com14tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7997739062967668610.post-22335161046471232422011-05-23T13:07:00.000+05:302011-05-23T13:07:37.358+05:30What is happiness for you?You should be happy. You have everything you ever wanted. Life is complete. But you feel that gnawing hole in your <span class="IL_AD" id="IL_AD2">existence</span>. Something is missing. Something so intangible, that you don’t even know what it is, forget about getting it. Maybe that’s how life is supposed to be. Maybe it is just not possible to be completely happy and satisfied. Maybe but I just can’t accept that. There cannot be any other reason for our existence but to be happy. All we do, every action of ours is in pursuance of happiness.<br />
<br />
So why are we never truly and completely happy? Why is there something missing in life, no matter what we achieve or possess?<br />
<br />
Personally I believe that the happiness comes in the working for the desired goal, not in achieving it. Couples that are always WORKING at making their marriage successful are happy because they are not content to sit back and say, “Well, I’m now happy, nothing else to do.” Getting our home or yard decorated or landscaped is fun while we are doing it. Not in standing on the sidewalk with our hands on our hips looking at it. We often THINK that when we are done we will then be happy, not so. Anticipating a long vacation, planning, arranging details, making reservations is often more engrossing and rewarding than actually doing the anticipated activities.<br />
<br />
Music!! yup, music makes me happy. Can any one not like music? I thrive on music. I love music whether it’s the swing of jazz, energy of rock, depth of blues or the head banging noise of heavy metal; I lap it all up. <br />
Music is the universal language that speaks to everyone. I may not understand a word of a Spanish song, but its beats, rhythm, its life is enough to make me alive to it. I cannot sing, but I admire and envy those who can. Music makes me alive, it gives my life a meaning even when all else fails to lift my spirits. Listening to a good piece of music can make a thousand miserable moments worth living for. When you hear your favourite song, you feel its being played especially for you, you feel you foot tapping. Music not only touches your body but engulfs your soul too. <br />
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Today I am at peace..not because someone gave me an <span class="IL_AD" id="IL_AD1">expensive</span> gift, but because I am living my life from my heart....its a beautiful world, if u see it from my eyes...I was upset till I was <span class="IL_AD" id="IL_AD2">expecting</span> another to make me complete, till I was waiting for another to fill my life with happiness, and the moment I looked inwards, into my soul, I found all the happiness in the world, all the love in the world.....<br />
<br />
Today I know what Buddha meant when he said ‘you, more than anyone else in this world, deserve your love and affection’...I sure do ..... <br />
<br />
I wish my soul was always so steady and loving...but I know that’s not possible...I will falter..but my real courage will be in getting up...<br />
<br />
So I am not someone who will earn in millions, I am not someone who will win a beauty pageant; I am not someone who will win a prize for literature...<br />
<br />
I am still special....because I am me!!!!.....I am as special as the birds and the trees....so I don’t have big ambitions, if only I can make a person smile, if only I can make one person happy for a moment...that’s a life well lived......<br />
<br />
Don’t love me because I am intelligent, beautiful or successful, love me because I am me...the soul that loves the God in every being, <br />
‘I believe in angels, something good in everything I see....’..for the first time I am writing something without caring that someone might read it...........FREEDOM!!!! <br />
<span></span> <span></span>Chttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11395529198459662630noreply@blogger.com19tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7997739062967668610.post-869474350953938842011-05-22T21:29:00.000+05:302011-05-22T21:29:45.576+05:30Skinny postThis is going to be short. I am exhausted...And I don't even know why! (CD2 maybe that's the reason) Feeling low and just want to sleep it out.<br />
<br />
OK. Remember <a href="http://chhandita-phoenix.blogspot.com/2011/03/where-is-my-weight-gain-ticker.html">this </a>post? This is where I talk about my efforts to gain weight. Well, my first month didn't go too well, and I ended up losing 2 lbs. I went for a weight check yesterday and guess what? I have gained 4 freaking lbs!!!And i actually 2 of these 4 lbs in the last 10 days! Maybe, just maybe, i will reach my target weight of 110 lbs by September.<br />
<br />
I am eating as I was just added a glass of milk (with protein supplement) and eggs to my diet. My guess is that now that Danny is FINALLY sleeping through he night, I too am sleeping better and THAT may have helped me gain weight.Funny thing is that although I have gained weight, and sleeping better, i am feeling tired and pooped out. Wonder what's up.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
The other skinny person in our family, Danny is getting too many "oh he is so skinny" comments lately. Makes me so so angry! I am looking for witty responses. Right now I shrug it off with a smile or say "he is like his mom" But i want to say something that will make the person understand that it is RUDE to say things like "are you not feeding him" "He is so skinny, what are you doing to him?". I never look at a chubby toddler and ask the mom why she is overfeeding him. I just don't want Danny to go through what I did. I don't want him to develop body image issues. Ideas?<br />
<br />
PS: Thanks for dropping by from ICLW. I promise to start commenting in a day or so. I just need to get some energy back.Chttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11395529198459662630noreply@blogger.com12tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7997739062967668610.post-30615232003495563982011-05-20T11:39:00.000+05:302011-05-20T11:39:03.088+05:30Just a thoughtLoneliness and the feeling of being unwanted is the most terrible poverty. Mother TeresaChttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11395529198459662630noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7997739062967668610.post-56083025721210324992011-05-18T21:46:00.000+05:302011-05-18T21:46:18.991+05:30Baby Shower...For Haidee with Love<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <w:WordDocument> <w:View>Normal</w:View> <w:Zoom>0</w:Zoom> <w:TrackMoves/> <w:TrackFormatting/> <w:PunctuationKerning/> <w:ValidateAgainstSchemas/> <w:SaveIfXMLInvalid>false</w:SaveIfXMLInvalid> <w:IgnoreMixedContent>false</w:IgnoreMixedContent> <w:AlwaysShowPlaceholderText>false</w:AlwaysShowPlaceholderText> <w:DoNotPromoteQF/> <w:LidThemeOther>EN-US</w:LidThemeOther> <w:LidThemeAsian>X-NONE</w:LidThemeAsian> <w:LidThemeComplexScript>X-NONE</w:LidThemeComplexScript> <w:Compatibility> <w:BreakWrappedTables/> <w:SnapToGridInCell/> <w:WrapTextWithPunct/> <w:UseAsianBreakRules/> <w:DontGrowAutofit/> <w:SplitPgBreakAndParaMark/> <w:DontVertAlignCellWithSp/> <w:DontBreakConstrainedForcedTables/> <w:DontVertAlignInTxbx/> <w:Word11KerningPairs/> <w:CachedColBalance/> </w:Compatibility> <w:BrowserLevel>MicrosoftInternetExplorer4</w:BrowserLevel> <m:mathPr> <m:mathFont m:val="Cambria Math"/> <m:brkBin m:val="before"/> <m:brkBinSub m:val="--> <m:smallfrac m:val="off"> <m:dispdef> <m:lmargin m:val="0"> <m:rmargin m:val="0"> <m:defjc m:val="centerGroup"> <m:wrapindent m:val="1440"> <m:intlim m:val="subSup"> <m:narylim m:val="undOvr"> </m:narylim></m:intlim> </m:wrapindent><!--[endif]--><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <w:LatentStyles DefLockedState="false" DefUnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<div class="MsoNormal">Today is a very special day for a very special person. Today is Haidee’s virtual baby shower hosted by the wonderful Athena from <a href="http://afieldofdreams-athena.blogspot.com/">A Field of Dreams</a>. Haidee (from <a href="http://maybebabyormaybetheloonybin.blogspot.com/">Maybe Baby... (or Maybe the Loony Bin?)</a> is expecting her first child in July. A fellow IFer who experienced 3 years of infertility and 3 cycles of IVF will finally welcome her son.</div><div class="MsoNormal">This post is my gift for Haidee. We in India don’t really have baby showers so forgive me if this sounds a little off. </div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">Congratulations Haidee. I wondered what I could give you to make this day memorable and I decided to go India...</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-vzJPLITGOr4/TdPvaQ8zuhI/AAAAAAAAAY0/L1cyvzmy4vM/s1600/Haidee3.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="201" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-vzJPLITGOr4/TdPvaQ8zuhI/AAAAAAAAAY0/L1cyvzmy4vM/s320/Haidee3.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><div class="MsoNormal">How about a little dress for the little prince printed with the holiest motif existing in Hinduism?</div></td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-KINLXY540yE/TdPvj0QZ0SI/AAAAAAAAAY4/5Pcvhi4xR0Q/s1600/haidee1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-KINLXY540yE/TdPvj0QZ0SI/AAAAAAAAAY4/5Pcvhi4xR0Q/s320/haidee1.jpg" width="197" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><div class="MsoNormal">I also found this adorable little toy Ganesha to keep your boy company and help him sleep through the night <span style="font-family: Wingdings;"><span> </span></span></div></td></tr>
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</div><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-ZdGwqc_F3s8/TdPv5xJwOoI/AAAAAAAAAY8/hMd9r2wxEnA/s1600/Haidee4.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-ZdGwqc_F3s8/TdPv5xJwOoI/AAAAAAAAAY8/hMd9r2wxEnA/s320/Haidee4.jpg" width="229" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><div class="MsoNormal">For you and your DH, I got this beautiful dress...sure to make you feel like royalty.</div></td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-y0mjtc20eME/TdPwIh56BFI/AAAAAAAAAZA/tY2NDf_m5K8/s1600/haidee2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-y0mjtc20eME/TdPwIh56BFI/AAAAAAAAAZA/tY2NDf_m5K8/s320/haidee2.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><div class="MsoNormal">Finally, an open invitation to visit India, be my guest and explore my beautiful with your family. </div></td></tr>
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<div class="MsoNormal">These are mere symbols (But if you do accept my invitation to visit India, I promise you the time of your life). Symbols of our happiness, we are so happy – for you. I wish you and your family all the happiness in the world. </div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">I want to share a poem with you. It’s an English translation of a poem written by Rabindra Nath Tagore (Nobel Prize Winning Bengali Poet)</div><div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;"><u><b>Baby’s World</b></u></div><div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 12pt; text-align: center;"><i><span style="color: #333333; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.5pt;">I wish I could take a quiet corner in the heart of my baby's very<br />
own world.<br />
I know it has stars that talk to him, and a sky that stoops<br />
down to his face to amuse him with its silly clouds and rainbows.<br />
Those who make believe to be dumb, and look as if they never<br />
could move, come creeping to his window with their stories and with<br />
trays crowded with bright toys.<br />
I wish I could travel by the road that crosses baby's mind,<br />
and out beyond all bounds;<br />
Where messengers run errands for no cause between the kingdoms<br />
of kings of no history;<br />
Where Reason makes kites of her laws and flies them, the Truth<br />
sets Fact free from its fetters. </span></i></div><table border="0" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="MsoNormalTable"><tbody>
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</div>Chttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11395529198459662630noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7997739062967668610.post-78716356651143990832011-05-18T11:30:00.001+05:302011-05-18T11:31:39.685+05:30Wordless Wednesday<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"></div><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-yaHYXXf2QM0/TdNgKNaaVCI/AAAAAAAAAYw/GzRU8bdLhaw/s1600/Photo-1060.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-yaHYXXf2QM0/TdNgKNaaVCI/AAAAAAAAAYw/GzRU8bdLhaw/s320/Photo-1060.jpg" width="186" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">With his great grand ma...Smiling adoringly even with 104 fever.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>Chttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11395529198459662630noreply@blogger.com5