Monday, December 29, 2014

Better Late...

We brought Aaryaana home! It's been over three months since we became a family of four. We got 'the' call on 17th September, a day after Danny's fifth birthday. We brought her home the next day. I had no clue it will be so difficult! For a few days, I was wrecked with guilt. I felt like I had betrayed Danny in some way. It took me a few weeks before I finally fell in love with this amazing baby. When she came home, she was puny - just over 4 kgs at 5 months! And she was ill and had reflux. She kept puking all the time. But now? Now she is a thriving 8 month old baby. She is spirited, oh hell, she is spirited! She is crawling, sitting, babbling, clapping, waving...she is just perfect.

Here she is with her great granny.

PS: Deborah, If you are reading this, I need that invite girl!

Wednesday, August 6, 2014

I saw an angel...


26th July, 2014. As they brought you out of that room, my heart was beating so fast, I felt it would burst. We were told that we would be matched with a baby 6-8 months of age. But when we saw you, we were shocked! You were tiny! 3 months! Within minutes your big brother was in love with you, and we soon followed suit. I wish I could have hidden you and brought you home right then!

We then took you for your medical tests. As they were drawing blood for some tests, and Danny saw you crying, he started crying too. He said to me ' it's all your fault, why did you bring her here? she is crying'. Yes, Yaana, Danny is totally in love with you. Already the protective big brother. That very evening we were told that all the tests came back clear. But yes, you were underweight, and that is an understatement. But we were not allowed to take you home with us. There was still some paperwork left to be done. You have no idea how our hearts broke as we handed you back. We were told you will be home in a week. It has been 10 days now. We are hoping to bring you home by this weekend, before rakhi. But I am not so hopeful. In India, things take their own sweet time.

We have done all the shopping that needed to be done and now we wait. We are trying to live each day as it comes, but knowing that you are there all alone is just killing. I am praying hard. So are all your aunties. Come home soon baby...


Friday, July 25, 2014

Light at the end of the tunnel

Dear Aaryana...

Tomorrow we get to see you for the first time. It's been close to year since we started the process again. And soon you'll be home. Tomorrow your dada, big bro Danny, and mamma will come to see you, take you to the doctor for a few tests. But they won't allow us to bring you home tomorrow. That will take another week or so :( But as we wait, we'll shop for you :) Hold on baby, we are coming to get you....


Wednesday, July 23, 2014

The Endless Wait...

I completely forgot that I had a blog! But am glad I was reminded of it!

It’s been over a year since my last post. A lot has happened…

I started working, albeit from home, doing what I love most—editing! And some writing too! And that too about infertility and adoption for a parenting website –

But this was also the time when my health almost gave way. I discovered that my heart really wasn’t working as well as it should. After a scary trip to the ER, I am now under medication and doing okay.
But the biggest news I have is that we jumped right back on the adoption bandwagon! And the wait has been killing. The baby is there, we are just waiting for that phone call, as lill Aaryana spends another week at the orphanage. I am losing sleep over it. Things keep getting delayed and it feels like TTC hurts as badly.

Please pray for us. It's time we complete our family…it’s been a long time coming…

Monday, April 8, 2013

Family of Three

That's us right now. We spent the whole of  2012 TTC#2. After cancelling our adoption plans, we were stupid enough to think it will happen. And it kind of did. December, my periods were late by a couple of days. I was feeling exhausted, had no appetite - all symptoms from my last two BFPs. I bought an HPT, and sure enough, there was the hint of a second line. I call it my ghost line. I called M. He was so happy. Took off from office to reach home early (now, that's super rare, so it was a nice treat for us). But the very next day, I started cramping, and withing a couple of hours I was bleeding. Funnily enough, apart from a brief spell while kitchen, no tears were shed. It was a chemical.

By December end, we had all the tests done (all but HSG. I refuse to put myself through that mind numbing pain again.) We remain unexplained. In January, I started on my first Clomid cycle. and right now, my third Clomid has just ended, needless to say, all in BFNs. I am okay. It is M I am hurting for. I am pretty content being a family of three. My hands are full, so is my heart. Danny is enough for me. But M? He so desires another child. A daughter. Aaryana. She will have curly hair. She will be papa's pet. We are not moving forward on the adoption front because M and I differ on our views on how to deal with the subject of adoption. M believes that our child through adoption will not know his adoption story. But I cannot pretend she is our biological child. I have done too much research to agree to M's idea of adoption. If we adopt, I want our child to know she was adopted from the very beginning.

So here we are. There is a slim chance of an IUI in the future. But we don't have a lot of time. I turned 34 march 26th. I give ourselves another at the max. I give M another year to make peace with the idea of being a family of three. But me? I am at peace. I am okay.