Tuesday, April 2, 2013

Reclaiming My Voice

I have been gone from this place for a long time and this time, the absence was intentional. I needed this time away from blogland to heal. This place had become an obsession. The kind of stress I felt about each post, each comment - was no longer healthy. I would keep track of my followers and would analyze why others had more comments or readers.

There were nights when I couldn't sleep well, obsessing over who commented what, where and why! I saw bloggers, who I had started to think of as my friends, become close to others and form groups. I began to feel left out. It began to feel like a popularity contest. It felt like high school all over again. Only trouble is, I never was a part of the happening crowd in school, or in college. I could care less about what people thought about me, but suddenly it did matter.

It might have been a part of my battle with extreme anxiety and depression. But this blog, this community was no longer my safe haven. I had twisted it into something I lost sleep over. I had started living in this place. I had no life or friends IRL. I needed a break. I needed the break to reclaim my place in this world. I needed this break to discover MY unique voice again.

I hope to keep blogging regularly. But now I hope to stay true to myself. I never cared about being popular. I won't fall into that trap again. I want to live with my words. I want to find joy again with this beautiful language. I hope to find the sense of freedom, the sense of walking the path that was meant for me.

7 comments:

Deborah said... Best Blogger Tips

Glad you're back! It is so hard when there are actual numbers assigned to everything: followers, subscribers, number of comments. Over time, I've gotten less stressed about it, as I see that I do get enough comments to feel supported when I need it. It still bothers me sometimes, though. Last week I lost a follower who was one of my first blog friends and someone I initially thought I really clicked with. We haven't talked much in awhile, but it still stung.

Anyway, I hope you continue to write and update us on your life. I'm still sad I couldn't convince my sister to meet up with you when she went to Hyderabad (she's still living in Bangalore).

Kelli said... Best Blogger Tips

welcome back...I have not been on here as much as well.

m said... Best Blogger Tips

I love this post. I completely understand your self imposed absence, but also selfishly glad it's over. How are you? ( I'll wait for future posts for you to tell us.)

C said... Best Blogger Tips

Deborah: It does begin to feel feel bad when an old follower drops you. I am trying to reach a place when that doesnt bother me. I wish I could have met your sister too. Maybe sometime in the future?
Kelli: Thank you.
M: You know I am so freaking happy for you!!!!!

St Elsewhere said... Best Blogger Tips

C people have 'dropped' me all the time.

They have their reasons, and some of them I really miss. But I know that what I have today really causes them a lot of ache, so I leave them be.

Glad to see you back.

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