Sunday, November 29, 2009

The Unseen Life

Too many posts in day..maybe nobody is reading... I just read Nikki's blog and wanted to write down what I felt too...

How do you mourn the loss of something that didn’t even exist? How do you bid adieu to a soul who enriched your life, changes you forever—without even existing?In April 2007….The day had started like any. I had woken up happy and contended, a feeling that had been elusive these last few months. But finally everything was falling into place for me. After months of struggling with an inter-regional marriage, people around me seemed inclined to give me a chance. I was finally going for that long over due honeymoon… and I had that great job lined up…yes, life felt good that day.As I brushed my teeth, I had felt a sudden shrill pain on me lower abdomen. It was gone even before I realized it. “Well, its time” I had thought wearily. My periods were 2 days overdue, and I was never late. “What if…” I had left that thought unfinished, it was highly improbable; just one unprotected accident was unlikely to be the reason behind my late period.But as the thought lingered on. I had felt a slight thrill.. “What if..”“A penny for your thought” a smiling hubby had said as he watched me stand with that loony smile on my face. “Well, I think you better go and buy me that Home Pregnancy Test” I had told him with a naughty grin.I hadn’t expected him to be back within 30 minutes with the HPT. My hubby had been trying hard to be the good husband, but for him the HPT was nothing but another of my eccentric fancies.At 28, I was still a child. My hubby called me ‘my little woman’.“Should I do it”? I had asked excitedly, taken up with the idea of trying something new. Without even waiting for his response, I ran to the bathroom. I came out victoriously holding the test. “There I did it, If I was pregnant, there would have been another line right there” I pointed out to my hubby. “You mean that faint line”? “Which line”? I hurriedly took the test from his hand. The faint blue line was pretty evident now.“Oh Shit!” I felt the world blurring around me. Yes, I was pregnant.I had decided to wait for another day. There had been cases of false positive tests. I had been certain that I couldn’t possibly be pregnant. I was too young. I had been married for only 1 year.I was restless. I thought of my honeymoon plans. “Everything will be ruined”. I rued. Why? why now? Just when everything was falling into place. Finally when I could start enjoying my marriage. Why did this have to happen and rock my world?I had gone out and bought another test. The line was still faint, but it was there. As if the life in there was shouting “I EXIST”.My hubby had taken me to the doctor after coming back from office. The doctor told us that it was most likely that I was pregnant. But the line was too faint for anything to be certain. She had asked me to wait for a few days, to have patience.I sat with my hubby, numb. Nothing was discussed. It was obvious that we were not ready for the child.But something was happening to me. Unknown to me, a feeling of tenderness had crept in, tenderness for the life that was struggling inside my womb. Life that wanted to survive, that wanted see the green trees, the blue sky. “Maybe it will be a girl”, and maybe she too would like Elvis”. I sat dreaming, looking out of the window. Unconsciously touching my abdomen.Suddenly I realized! I was going to be a mother. My body had already accepted the fact. It was evident from the way I climbed the stairs, careful not to hurt my tummy. From the way I ate a little extra, as if already the life was seeking nurture from the world outside. Life suddenly took on new colours that I had never comprehended in all my 28 years on the planet.But my hubby went on with his life, oblivious to the fact that I was changing, that I no longer looked towards him for happiness. The doctor had asked us to come after 10 days. He was just counting the days, so I could pop that tablet, and this unwanted ‘worry’ could be put out of our minds. He was busy planning for our honeymoon…Seven days after the appearance of the faint blue line, as I stood in the kitchen, watching the milk boil over…dreaming of her “AAryana” that’s the name I had picked for her…suddenly I was engulfed with pain. A sudden throbbing pain shot through my abdomen. I clutched myself and ran to the bedroom. I tried to sleep. But the pain was so acute that I couldn’t sleep. I felt a sudden dread creep in. I went to the loo, and yes there it was, a drop of blood.I had struggled to go to bed, I sat there, without thoughts, without emotions…That’s how my hubby found me when he came back from office. “What happened sweetheart”? My hubby had asked worriedly.I had looked up at him, with that blank dead look. And then I burst out, hugging him tightly, I had let the tears flow… “The baby is gone, the baby is gone” I kept repeating….He had held me, feeling my pain but not understanding it.He had taken me to the doctor, where the doctor had told us in a very matter opf factly, fact way that this was an early miscarriage. 80% of the women go through this, In fact if we hadn’t gone for that HP Test, we would have just thought of it as a late period!But I knew. I knew it wasn’t just a late period. It was my baby.For days, I mourned the loss of ‘something that didn’t exist” for the world. In medical terms it was just a ‘false positive’, a fertilized egg that the uterus didn’t hold. How could I explain to anyone? Most people probably thought I was over it as no one asked me how I was doing, not even my best friends. Maybe they thought they shouldn’t bring it up. Most people thought that it wasn’t that far along so it shouldn’t be that big a deal. As if it shouldn’t hurt because I couldn’t feel it. No one else understands the emotional pain you go through months and months after a miscarriage. It feels like it will never go away. Not a day went by that I didn’t think about it what seems like a million times.This experience changed me, didnt let me enjoy my pregnancy, I was terrified throughout my pregnancy, no room for happiness thinking something could go wrong again.Things did get easier. It was an accident. We were not even ready for a baby at that time. Yet it hurt so badly when I lost the baby. Life goes on, but the fact is what I lost was also my baby, a baby I would never hold or see. ‘That life’ will never be a part of my life.

Super mom?

I just finished a month of taking care of danny, working five hours a day, cooking and doing all the house work..alone, without any help...feel mighty proud :-) is me, two and a half months after Danny's birth...

Sleep Deprived...

I need advice...

Should I leave Danny with MIL for 4 days and go Dubai for a conference? It will be great for my career but a part of me feels that at less then three months, Danny is just too young to be left without me...

Tuesday, November 17, 2009


Missing him today. I wrote this post about him, wanted to share.

Sunday, November 15, 2009

Thursday, November 12, 2009

Time flies..

It seems like yesterday when I did took that HPT, and Danny will be 2 month old in 4 days! Time sure flies.

For a little 2 month old, Danny has managed to turn our lives upside down! he refuses to sleep beyond an hour during the day and refuses to sleep anywhere but my lap. Its tough but hey in a few months when he starts crawling, he will constantly ask me to put him down. This is the only time for me to really cuddle him right?

Monday, November 2, 2009

Do you like music?

It’s a question I have been asked numerous times. And I am always bewildered about what my response should be! Can any one not like music? What kind of music is the second question I am asked. Any kind!! I love music, whether it’s the swing of jazz, energy of rock, depth of blues or the head banging noise of heavy metal; I lap it all up. Although heavy metal is a little tough to handle!
Music is the universal language that speaks to everyone. I may not understand a word of a Spanish song, but its beats, rhythm, its life is enough to make me alive to it. Can some one really not like music? I keep coming back to this question because I am still to meet a person who does not like music! It is just not possible! I agree that the intensity might vary. But this article is about my passion for music so whether or not others appreciate this beautiful gift can be discussed later!
I cannot sing, but I admire and envy those who can. Music makes me alive; it gives my life a meaning even when all else fails to lift my spirits. Listening to a good piece of music can make a thousand miserable moments worth living for. When you hear your favourite song, you feel its being played especially for you, you feel you foot tapping. Music not only touches your body but engulfs your soul too. I think music is a very pure form of communication. Almost anyone can understand it.
Sometimes chords and melody and rhythm can say things that are beyond words. To me, music is the greatest drug in the world (not that I've tried very many)... it can pick me up, make me think, smile, sing, cry, dance... I really love to dance:happy That's another great thing about music. Music is meditation. At least for me. When I feel down and out, when the world seems all-bleak, all I need is a good song, and I am ready to face the world. I actually try and listen to good music right at the beginning of the day, and then I feel empowered, peaceful and happy!
What can beat the feeling of listening to your favourite Kishore Kumar number, sipping on a cup of tea, while the rain drenches the trees outside your window? Or humming on “kisiki muskurahato pey ho nisar” when feel a little low?
What can be more romantic than Niel Diamond crooning “play me”, or more nostaligic then “its yesterday once more” by the carpenters? The kind of music that reminds me of the people that i love most…