I don't really know...

why I do this to myself. AF arrived today. Ending the second month we have been TTC #2. Yeah, we are on the roller coaster, again. But I gave up even before we began. M wants to try for 6 months. I don't know why. I don't know why we have to walk this path again. I am actually counting down the months. Two down, four to go. Who are we kidding? Even when we have no hope, we still allow us to fantasize a little don't we? Like yesterday, I actually googled 'early pregnancy symptoms! Again, who am I kidding? But you l know what? It still hurts. Two cycles would have meant nothing if it hadn't been so hard the first time around. I don't know if am making any sense.

What do you do when you are upset?

Cut your own hair!

I did just that. Last Sunday, I was feeling really really lonely and upset, so took a scissor, and cut D's hair. And I didn't stop there, I went ahead cut my own hair too! Talk about being impulsive.


Before and after

Wordless Wednesdays

Danny reading a newspaper!

I couldn't flip the video but HAD to share it!

History of the humble "HPT"

Here is some background on the history of much loved/equally hated home pregnancy test. Borrowed from http://listverse.com/2010/11/23/top-10-shocking-historical-beliefs-and-practices/

It is an advantage for a woman to understand that she is pregnant before having a child. It allows her to mentally prepare for the birth and prevent herself from using drugs and alcohol. As you can imagine, world history is full of bizarre techniques that were used to test for human pregnancy. In ancient Greece and Egypt, watered bags of wheat and barley were used for this purpose. The female would urinate on the bags and if a certain type of grain spouted, it indicated that she was going to have a child. Hippocrates suggested that if a woman suspected she was pregnant, she should drink a solution of honey water at bedtime. This would result in abdominal cramps for a positive test.

During medieval times, many scientists performed uroscopy, which is an ineffective way of examining a patient’s urine. In 1928, a major breakthrough in the development of pregnancy tests was made when two German gynecologists named Selmar Aschheim and Bernhard Zondek introduced an experiment with the hormone human chorionic gonadotropin (hCG). Before this time, hCG was thought to be produced by the pituitary gland, but in the 1930s, Georgeanna Jones discovered that hCG was produced by the placenta. This discovery was vital in the development of modern day pregnancy tests, which rely heavily on hCG as an early marker of pregnancy.

In 1927, Zondek and Aschheim developed the rabbit test. The test consisted of injecting the woman’s urine into a female rabbit. The rabbit was then examined over the next couple days. If the rabbit’s ovaries responded to the female’s urine, then it was determined that hCG was present and the woman was pregnant. The test was a successful innovation and it accurately detected pregnancy. The rabbit test was widely used from the 1930s to 1950s. All rabbits that were used in the program had to be surgically operated on and were killed. It was possible to perform the procedure without killing the rabbits, but it was deemed not worth the trouble and expense. Today, modern science has evolved away from using live animals in pregnancy tests, but the rabbit test was considered a stepping stone during the middle of the 20th century.

Skinny mom

A lot is discussed about the problems faced by overweight mothers. I am still to come across an article discussing the problems faced by naturally thin women. Naturally thin women …They do exist!! They do face discrimination, and life is as tough for them as it is for an overweight woman…. Today, people from all over the world want to ban skinny models. Now skinny is OUT. When was it ever IN? Oprah Winfrey went as far as to say that ‘Real women have curves”! Well, then I am not much of a woman!! I am 5'2 and Weigh about 105 pounds. Skinny? Yeah, that I am, super skinny—But Anorexic? NO!!!!!...

Not all skinny girls/women are anorexic, or suffer from some eating disorder. And they are real women too! But who is going to listen. I have always been skinny, tried everything under the sun to put on weight. All those high calorie diets, visits to the doctor, working out in the gym, even taking birth control pills with a non-existent sex life!! Nothing worked. I was 85 pounds for at least 10 years. No fluctuations. My weight just refused to move. I tried hard to accept myself, to make peace with my body, but the whole world seemed more worried about my weight. I had strangers coming up and asking me to eat something. I tried being polite and smile, I tried being rude and telling them to sod off. I actually came up with witty remarks to get at them. Once when a filled out Punjabi aunty (In Delhi), sitting besides me in the bus, remarked “why are you so thin beta, don’t you eat anything?” I replied, with my best poor me look “ No, Aunty, my mother refuses to feed me, can I come and eat at your place”. I know it was rude of me, but I do run out of patience. I still get those comments, so I m learning to just ignore them.

It’s not easy being skinny. People stare at me and make comments, which are plain and simply INSULTING. I am a happy, healthy 31-year-old woman. Though, people refuse to accept the healthy part.

I have a small built, and no matter how much weight I put on, I can never be voluptuous. Period. But I have faced such insulting situations that they have left a deep scar on my psyche. My boyfriend left me when I was 16 and told everyone “she is too skinny". I cried, I scratched my body. I hated myself. It took me years to even look myself in the mirror.

I am 31 now, and I still get mistaken for being a college girl. I am pretty happy actually (who wants to look old huh?) I gave birth last year and that much wanted curvy body, but breastfeeding and running after a toddler has taken me back to my skinny body.

For years, I have faced those scornful stares. Just because I don’t fit into that idea of what a woman should look like!! No matter how much I have achieved as a career woman, or as a sister, daughter or wife, and now a mom to a 1 year old. I am still branded as that skinny girl.

We all want to feel beautiful -- fat or thin, short or tall, dark, or fair. Why can’t we just let people be? Why can’t we let people be happy and beautiful from inside?

This is me, yup am a skinny mom. Won't mind gaining a few pounds. But what I need is to make peace with my body.

WTF?

http://community.nytimes.com/comments/travel.nytimes.com/2010/11/14/travel/14babies-journeys.html

No, I mean seriously..WTF?

Well, Its NOT easy to travel with a child. I wish people would try and understand. I try and do my best to take care of my child in public but how much can you discipline a 1 year old for God's sake?

TTC again?

I so want to!!! I want to be pregnant again...I want to see a BFP again...But I no longer have the energy..physical or emotional. I cannot go through years of heart ache...But I so want to give birth again...anybody else feeling like this?

Danny's day out

Can you believe this?

http://www.cbsnews.com/stories/2010/10/21/ap/asia/main6977866.shtml

I mean..HOW??? its a baby out there for God's sake....

Walking!!!

Danny took his first steps on the 22nd and today he just walked across the room!! We worked hard on his PT and it paid off!! Our physio had told us that when it came to standing and walking, Danny will face developmental delays. He didnt!! My son? He is a fighter...Am off to record his walking dxploits for DADA...

Happy Birthday Danny!!!

Dear Danny,

One year!! what an adventure it has been...sleep deprived, over worked, living on the whims of a tiny babe...it has all been worth it...Happy Birthday Danny....momma loves you...I am so glad you took your first steps before I went back to work full time. Its bittersweet. You are growing beautifully, but a part of me misses that newborn Danny...where did time go?

Your dada adores you, but you know that. Biu its not just momma and dada...people seem to fall in love with you wherever you go!!! If and when you read this, I want you to know how loved you were and still are. Where ever we go, people ask if they can take your photographs...and no you are not the usual chubby little babe..in fact you are a skinny little thing...my skinny little bubba...

I love you...

Momma.

Picture Perfect

Feeling Proud!!

M's 4th semester law results are in. He has got 6th rank amongst 250 student. Not bad for a guy who works full time, and is also a hands on father!!! Am so proud of him...

Where did the time go?

Danny is 10 months old...time sure is flying. What is he upto? Crawling up a storm, standing, crusing. Says mama and dada and HI!!! waves goodbye, claps, blows kisses (its too damn cute) and actually says muaahww...he points to things like the fan. can actually point out an apple, a dog in his book. Is trying to says his name (when we say "say Agastya" he says "atta" lol)

What he is NOT doing!

Not really eating his solids..he just tastes stuff..far far away from three solid meals...

Sleeping through the night. Does NOT sleep more then 4-5 hours at a stretch. Its been more then a year since I slept more then 5 hours at a stretch....

His leg is still not perfect. we need to continue with the treatment for 2 more months. But the doc says his leg will be perect.

What about me? well as my last post made clear, am tired. I have lost a ton of weight. I need to gain weight. Its not easy to do it all alone with almost no help. I am sleep deprived and have developed insomnia now. I can't sleep even when Danny sleeps. I have avoided taking sleeping pills but now I think I do need some kind of treatment. I need some ME time...

Here is a picture of my big boy :)

Cry for help?

The fear creeps in. The fear of dying, the fear of suffering. My health is in tatters. I hate feeling so weak and helpless. I know I don’t look good at the moment. I have lost too much weight. Yes, I do hate not looking my best, but I can live with that. But I CANNOT live a life which is so full of feeling sick. What is wrong with my body? I want to take care of Danny. I want to play with him. I want to teach him things. But now, all I want when he is awake is for him to nap, so I can sleep too. I am missing out on his growing up because I am so stressed and weak. I am unable to keep up with him. He is hyperactive. He is adorable. But All I seem to notice is how many hours he has been awake so I can take him for his nap…I hate it all…

Baby Blues...

As an 18 year old, my ultimate dream was to own a house, a car, adopt a child and live happily ever after. I was not interested in getting married, and although I dated on and off, nothing serious ever came out of fit.

This aversion to marriage was actually due to a deep seated fear of pregnancy and giving birth, and this fear took a vice like grip on my psyche after the birth of my nephew in 2005. My sister was in a 12 hour labour and I was there with her through the night…After that experience I vowed that I will never have a baby….My views did not change even after my marriage in 2006.. Remember the saying “Careful what you wish for, it just might come true?”

In April 2007, I had a Chemical Pregnancy*. Although we were not trying for a baby and I was officially pregnant for just a week, that one week changed me completely….I felt like a mother and fell in love with that feeling…

Isn’t it ironic? When people don’t want a baby, they seem to conceive in a jiffy and when a baby is really craved for, it becomes an issue of dealing with your stress levels, charting, and timing it just right!

My (ex) doctor started talking about Assisted Conception* in the 2nd month itself. But I and my husband were healthy, were we not? All our tests came out positive, then why did I need assistance? This got her started on her favourite topic “the stress in our lives today….” Needless to say I dropped her and found another doctor who seemed more interested in me than in my money…

I also found numerous online forums and learnt a new language altogether. Figure this *“ We have been TTC for five months now. I have been regularly charting my cycle and O’ing on time. Each month I hope for a BFP but AF seems to have fallen in love with me, and cant stay away from me even for a month” Sounds Greek? Wait till you start trying for a baby!

People say that I should not stress about it, that stress makes it difficult to conceive. But how can one not stress?

First society creates the pressure to get married, and then to have a baby. Is this because it is unlikely that a couple will separate once they have a child? One of my ‘wise’ friends enlightened me to this fact, and it does make some sense honestly…..

Ok, so where are the people who were asking me not to stress? Can they please ask people around me to stop obsessing about my baby first and give me some breathing space?

Trying for a baby IS stressful. Each month, for over 2 years, I hoped for a missed period, but each month it arrived like clock work, and at least for two days after that I was filled with intense sadness…Had the wish I made in utter ignorance come true?

And to make matters worse, everyone I knew seemed to be pregnant. It felt like a universal conspiracy!

When a couple is trying, the time they spend together tends to become mechanical. Here is a sample conversation “Oh! I think I am ovulating, its time to get to work” What ever happened to spontaneity and romance? And here I do not talk about people who are fortunate enough to have conceived within a month or 2 of trying……

Some plain speak for woman out there who are trying to conceive: For an average, healthy couple, the average time to conceive is between 6 months to a year (Source-Hours of Internet surfing!)And here we were, thinking it was as simple as the handsome man meeting the beautiful saree clad woman drenched to the bone, on a dark stormy night. A flash of lightening, eyes meet, pigeons neck each other, two flowers kiss one another and voila, nine months later the woman has a baby in her lap! If only this was real life…

* A CHEMICAL PREGNANCY refers to pregnancy loss very early on. In a chemical pregnancy, it is thought that an egg is fertilized but fails to implant. As a result, your body does not begin to produce the obvious signs of pregnancy. Because a chemical pregnancy occurs so early in a pregnancy, most women never even realize they are pregnant. When they receive their period, they just assume they were a few days late.

*Assisted Conception: The use of medical techniques, such as drug therapy, artificial insemination, or in vitro fertilization, to enhance fertility.

* We have been Trying To Conceive for the last five months now. Charting my cycle and Ovulating on time. Each month I hope for a Big Fat Positive (positive line in a pregnancy test) but Aunt Flow (periods) seems to have fallen in love with me, and can’t stay away from.

Bad mother?

I really really needed to read this today. Was feeling like bad mother, a failure. Then I read this.

Your children are lucky to have you as a mom, because no one else could do it the same way as you.

You are special being you! You are good enough being yourself. Until you get that, all of your parenting will be hard and will suffer.

If you believe that you are not good enough, your children will pick up on that thought and believe they are not good enough either. Is that what you want? I didn't think so. So, you have to believe in yourself right now.

I am a good enough mom.I am a great mom, being myself.I am the perfect mom for my children right now.

So, you don't believe it yet? Well, that's because you may not be expressing that perfection that you are, as of yet. But the first step is in realizing and believing that deep inside, the real, authentic you IS good enough, perfect enough, enough, enough, enough, just the way you are. You don't have to go changing a thing.

Write those affirmations above out, three times. And then read them outloud, three times, even if you don't believe them yet. Because, the more you say them, the closer you will get to believing them. And then, when you are being yourself in your mothering, it WILL be perfect, perfectly YOU!

And your children will see that you are good enough and perfect being yourself. Which, in turn, helps them to believe that they are good enough being themselves.

If you want your mothering to be fun, easy and fulfilling, BE YOURSELF! Without conditions, without judgments, just BE YOURSELF! And then it won't matter what the Jones' or the Smiths' are doing or saying, because you are being yourself and that is the greatest thing in the world!
What others do and say is their responsibility and what you do and say is yours.

There are many parenting experts out there that feed on your fears of not being enough. Time has come to claim your own power back. To stop listening to the experts and listen to YOURSELF. You have your own perfect and good enough answers within. And it is time to discover them.

The idea of the perfect mom is gone. It is time to replace it with the idea of the perfect you. The best you can do is your best, until you decide to do better. And then it is your choice, not the choice of a "should" or a "mother-in-law" or "your neighbor" or even your "spouse".
Comparing will get you no where! How could you even compare an apple and an orange? Each one is fundamentally different. Yes, they are both fruit and yes, you and your neighbor are both moms, but each one is unique and special in their own way. YOU are unique and special in your own way!

I am unique and special being me!I am good enough! I am great!I love myself for being myself!I deserve fun, easy and fulfilling parenting!My children deserve a fun, easy and fullfilled mom!

Go Danny go!!!

Danny is crawling!! Wow and is he fast...but the best thing? He is pulling himself to stand. I know, I know, its pretty normal for babies his age to do so. But this little guy was unable to bear weight on his leg this time last month. Walking is still a long way off..but our gutsy boy is a fighter. His PT seems to be working (toucwood).

But I have a problem, and I need help from all you mommas. My kid is a small thing..He will always be. He iss following his own curve and doing well...but he WONT eat solids! on a good day, he gulps down whatever we give him. unfortunately the good days are rare. Very, very rare. Any ideas?

Happiness is a choice

What if I told you that you have the ability to decide if you are happy or not. You would probably say that I'm crazy. 1. I'm not crazy and 2. Happiness is a choice.

You can't depend on someone else to make you happy. That is a lesson I learned early on in my marriage. I realized that I couldn't rely on my husband as my source of happiness. I learned that my happiness depended on me and not my husband's actions. I learned that you have to choose to be happy.

You can choose your emotions. True happiness comes from within, it can't be forced by outside forces. So how do you choose happiness? The same away you choose to smile or choose to wear a certain outfit. You choose it because that's what you want to experience in your life.

You want to buy a new pair of shoes so you choose a pair that you like and feels good. You wouldn't buy a pair of shoes that you don't like or that don't fit well, right? So why do we keep choosing emotions and feelings that don't make us feel good?

Well most people don't realize that you can choose feeling happy over feeling angry or upset about something. It's not wrong to feel angry or upset but dwelling on it and letting the anger simmer for too long can have bad results.

Choosing to be happy after you realize your anger has shown up (or even choosing to be calm) can be beneficial. You end up acknowledging your anger and moving on instead of harboring those emotions until there's a flare up. We choose our feelings, no one can do that for us. If we let others get to us, influence our emotions - we are giving them power over us. When others cause us anger or pain, we are giving them our power.

What about those who irritate us or make us mad? We have the power of choice but most times we react out of anger. Instead of taking a mental time out and knowing that what that person said is about them we unconsciously choose to react. The reaction is usually out of anger or fear. It's a re-action, not an action.

How do we stop this behavior? We need to keep our feelings in check and not react automatically to what is thrown at us. We need to think our actions out instead of just reacting to what someone says or does. Reacting is responding to someone else's actions. What we need to do is act on our own accord and not let the actions of others influence us. By doing that we stay conscious of our own thoughts and feelings and not let what others do to us affect our moods.

Remember that we can always choose happiness. At first it will be difficult to just switch your thoughts and feelings from anger, self-doubt, or fear to joy and happiness. But it is only a thought away. Don't dwell on what happens to you unnecessarily but realize what is causing you to feel that way. Realize that thoughts, feelings and emotions can change. Then move on and choose to be happy.

http://www.selfgrowth.com/articles/Richardson5.html

Memories

Its raining.....and I remember the days gone by....days spent with friends, jumping over puddles, singing along our favorite songs, without a care in the world....And today all those days are just memories, beautiful memories that makes me cry. Days have fled......on days like today, when things are perfect, my heart just flies back in time, why cant I relive those moments? I know I cant, and that’s what makes things more difficult....I am reminded of a song ‘Its yesterday once more’...so true to what I feel now...I know this feeling will pass, and I will go on living my present life as I should....But this moment, when the memories refuse to leave me alone, when all I want is to be a 13 year old again, is precious too. Friends, I miss them so...Maybe, just maybe, if I had my friends around, I wouldn’t feel so much pain on a beautiful day like today, if they were around I would have created new memories with them......

8 months, leg braces and hoping to walk...

Danny is eight months old. Time is flying and I am missing those early days. I wish I could go back in time and ENJOY those days. Do you miss the time when your baby was a newborn? I feel like becoming preggo again just to re-live those early days lol.

Update about Danny's leg: As some of you know, Danny has recently been diagnosed with mild contracture in the right leg. Apart from physiotherapy he needs to sleelp in full length leg braces at night. But he refuses to sleep with the braces on! I have tried to put on the braces when he is asleep but after a couple of hours he wakes up crying. .I am at my wits end. I am so worried that without these braces he may never walk. Any suggestion. tips will be really appreciated...

He is trying to pull up to stand but unable to. he is not crawling...is that normal? He has met all his milestones, in fact when it came to sitting without support, he was doing that 5 months!! and at 7 he started to sit up from sleeping position. Am paranoid right? :)

I knew something was wrong...

I had been telling since last 2 months that something was wrong with Danny's leg. Everyone actually laughed and said i have an overactive imagination. Last month I finally convinced M to take Danny to the Doc, the doc said everything was ok. I. my gut i felt the doc was wrong. I took Danny to a ped this monday and she referred us to a physiotherapist. Danny has mild Spastic in his right leg. he will be on leg braces along with physiotherapy for 6 month. Am feeling shattered. It must be my fault one of the causes is low birth weight, and that IS my fault...The Doctor said his stading and walking will be delayed...

Adoption Blues

Some of you may remember that DH and I had started adoption process last year January, but then I got pregnant and we decided to wait untill Danny was a little older. Danny is now 7 months and we have decided that its time to move fprward and bring our daughter home. Next month we will complete the paperwork. But things have changed…last year when we had told M’s granny that we were planning to adopt she was very supportive but now when we told her, she asked why not have another biologically,. Why not indeed… There are numerous reasons. First Just because I had Danny does not mean that concieving a second time will be any easier and I am NOT ready to go through all that rollercoaster of emotions again. Secondly, this is whatM and I had always wanted, even before we got married…to adopt a baby girl!!!

We were thinking of adopting a baby of 2-3 years of age, but now have decided to adopt a 6 month old. (here we can only adopt through orphanages and you cannot get a baby younger then 6 months). Why are we going for a younger baby? Now this may sound politically incorrect, but here goes. We were afraid that it would have been difficult to bond with an older child. We may be wrong, but that’s what we thought. It took us almost a month after Danny was born to really fall in love with him…so…adoption is not easy is it? We want to do whats best for the little girl.

Adoptive parents out there: How easy or tough was it to bond with your child? Is it more difficult if you already have a biological child? I donnot want to behave differently with my children…how do I prepare myself? Any advice will be appreciated…

Thin baby

Ok so I know chubby babies are cute. My baby is bot chubby. He was born at a little over 5 lbs and is 15 lbs now. People keep passing snide comments about his weight and I hate. I went through it all my life. (I am a tiny person myself, the most i have ever weighed is 105 lbs). Any idea how to fatten my kid? Kidding. I love Danny the way he is. Active, meeting all his milestones, happy kid. When will people stop being so freaking mean?

Anyways, Deep breaths and i am letting it go :).

PPD update. Feeling a little better. Meditation helps.

Have joined a daycare centre, where am conducting SUMMER camp. Three hours a day and it gives me the much needed break from playing mommy.

I hate it, but i have decided to go back to work once Danny turns one.

To end it, here is a picture of my beautiful little man. Totally, madly in love with him.

post partum depression?

Danny is 7 months old today!!! For the last month or so, i have been feeling really really low. nothing like i have ever felt before. I have no patience..i shout at at everybody..husband, BIL, husbands granny....even my friends....I cry for no reason, cant sleep (Danny is sleeping through the night now)..but the worst is when I get so angry that I feel like hitting my son (i have never done that, but am so scared). I love him so damn much...now a days am even afraid of being alone with him...I thought PPD hit mothers just after giving birth, but now i hear it can hit anytime within a year of giving birth. This is really hell...I hate this darkness.... its tough looking after a baby alone, with NO help, and now this....Am trying to chant but i think i will have to see a doctor soon... I just want to be a good mom, right now i hate the person i am.....This little sweetheart deserves a better mom...

To work or stay at home..

I quit my job last February when I conceived. I know I need to start working, and I want to!! but its not easy..where do I leave Danny? Leaving my baby in day care for 9-10 hours a day doesn't appeal to me. I am so confused...its heart breaking, this choice we women have to make. I have till September (When Danny turns 1) I will HAVE to start working by then. I sometimes want to go back to work NOW where I can have a conversation, and a little break from baby care but then I look at Danny and know what is more important. 5 more months with this beautiful child-I will be there 24/7...

PS: About Danny sitting. HE started sitting without support at a little over 5 months. But he still some way off from crawling...

Danny is 6 months old!

I just wanted to survive...

I HAVE ALWAYS experimented with my life, and joining a Buddhist organisation a few years ago was another one of those experiments. Though I tried hard to attend meetings, I didn’t always find the time — my job always seemed to come in the way. But I didn’t worry too much because my life was perfect. I remember thinking, “I have a good job, a great family, people who adore me and I am engaged to the man I love. Do I even need to pray?”

My answer came one year later. January 12, 2005, was like any other day. I was on my way to office in an auto when, inexplicably, I broke down. There I was, the girl who never shed a tear in front of people, howling in front of the whole world as though my life had ended. A seemingly innocent verbal duel with my brother earlier that morning had opened the floodgates to emotions buried deep inside. I was overwhelmed by feelings of rejection, self-pity and worthlessness. I had to fight with myself not to jump off the auto and kill myself right then and there.

A small part of my rational self knew that I had to do something. I asked the auto driver to take me to Vimhans (Vidyasagar Institute of Mental Health and Neurosciences), where a friend had recently sought help. I sat there for two hours saying things I did not know I felt — feelings of inferiority from constantly being compared with my ‘model material’ sisters, the pain of growing up in a family that was forever struggling with finances, the loss of my father to cancer when I was only 16, the disappointment with my high-profile job where really, I was no more than a glamourised data entry operator. My life suddenly seemed surreal, like I had not really lived through any of this. Another me had emerged, one who was tired of hiding behind the facade of normalcy.

I was diagnosed by the psychologists at Vimhans with chronic depression and told that years of counseling and medication is what it would take to be free of my demons. But although venting all that emotion helped me, a couple of sessions later, I still found myself in the midst of hell. I just couldn’t see the purpose of my life. I felt no confidence in my doctors and frequently had suicidal thoughts. A fellow Buddhist asked me to try and chant, even if it made no sense. I tried, but my mind was not in my control. I was losing the battle and just when I thought that things could not get any worse, they did.

On February 14, I got a call from a girl claiming to be my fiancé’s girl friend. I knew instinctively that she was telling the truth. I think, subconsciously, I knew he had never been mine and had always feared losing him. But I had been in love with this man for the last four years and had dreamt of a future with him — to discover that he had been cheating was shattering. I collapsed. I could not breathe. Once again, I called my friend, a fellow Buddhist, and once again her advice was: “Chant; it will be fine”. I still couldn’t do it. I popped two sleeping pills instead and went to bed.

The next day, when my fiancé called to apologise, although there was no question of taking him back, I somehow found the strength to say, “I forgive you.” I did not blame him; I blamed myself for trusting him but I didn’t want to deal with him just then. I just wanted to survive; to look in the mirror and not feel disgust, to live my life and to see the beauty in it all. But I could not forgive myself. My mind was blank; my spirit had died. Dark clouds surrounded me. Finally, I began to chant.

I chanted just one line, again and again and again, with my eyes open — facing my problems head-on. I was not thinking about divinity or the life-force but something amazing happened. The tears stopped and a smile spread across my face. A weight lifted and I could see everything clearly. I was free. From a moment of hell, I had reached a stage of complete bliss. Obviously, the feeling did not last forever. But that moment, the way I would react to situations had changed forever and I had finally accepted myself, with all my flaws. From that moment on, my life took a turn for the better. The girl who was once diagnosed with chronic depression has not had to see a counselor since. The girl who did not share her feelings is sharing her life with you, has met her soulmate, is happily married and totally in love with life!

Though I describe myself as more of a free thinker than a Buddhist, this transformative experience still sends a thrill through my body and soul. I finally understood what Buddha meant when he said: “You, more than anyone else in the world, deserve your love”.

I wish my soul could always be steady and loving but I know that’s not possible. I realise that I will falter. But my courage lies in being able to get up again. I know, now, that miracles happen.

Happiness...

You should be happy. You have everything you ever wanted. Life is complete. But you feel that gnawing hole in your existence. Something is missing. Something so intangible, that you don’t even know what it is, forget about getting it. Maybe that’s how life is supposed to be. Maybe it is just not possible to be completely happy and satisfied. Maybe but I just can’t accept that. There cannot be any other reason for our existence but to be happy. All we do, every action of ours is in pursuance of happiness.So why are we never truly and completely happy? Why is there something missing in life, no matter what we achieve or possess?Personally I believe that the happiness comes in the working for the desired goal, not in achieving it. Couples that are always WORKING at making their marriage successful are happy because they are not content to sit back and say, “Well, I’m now happy, nothing else to do.” Getting our home or yard decorated or landscaped is fun while we are doing it. Not in standing on the sidewalk with our hands on our hips looking at it. We often THINK that when we are done we will then be happy, not so. Anticipating a long vacation, planning, arranging details, making reservations is often more engrossing and rewarding than actually doing the anticipated activities.

A Code to live by…

Inscribed in old Saint Paul’s Church, Baltimore, dated 1691,author unknown.

“Go placidly amid the noise and haste and remember what peace there maybe in silence. As far as possible, without surrender, be on good terms with all persons. Speak your truth quitely and clearly; and listen to to others, even the dulla and ignorant; they too have their story.

If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain and bitter; for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself. Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.
Exercise caution in your business affairs; for the world is full of trickery. But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals; and everywhere life is full of HEROISM.

Be yourself. Especially, do not feign affection. Neither be cynical about love; for in the face of all ardity and disenchantment it is perenial as the grass.

Take kindly the councel of the years, gracefully surrendring things of youth. Nurture strength of spirit to guard you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with imaginings. May fears are born of fatigue and loneliness. Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself.
You are a child of the Universe, no less than the trees and the starts. You have a right to be here. And whether or not its clear to you, the Universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore, be at peace with GOD, whatever you percieve him to be, and whatever your labors and aspirations, in the noisey confusion of life, keep peace with your soul.

With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world. Be careful. Strive to be happy.

The story of my faith.

I knew ‘God’ even before I understood the meaning of the word. The earliest memory I have is that of me sitting in the corner of our dusty garden, crying. The memories are foggy, but I do remember that I cried a lot. Maybe its my way of burying the bad memories. I cried because my parents always seemed to fight, I cried because time and again I was told how ugly I was. I ahd three beautiful elder sisters and even as a five year old I was made aware of the fact that I was an aberation. Every guest who visited us added a new cruel coment that sent me hiding, from the world, from myself.

But even then a small breeze would come floating in, engulf me and tell me how special I was. That breeze would make me feel like a princess. That breeze gave me strength dust my dirty dress, smile and go back to face the world. That breeze sometimes became a sweet song, when I hid in the dark corner of the cupboard. As I grew up, I realized that breeze was God, my God. God never made life easy for me, never took away the obstacles. God gave me courage to fight and grow. I never had to go to place of worship or follow a religion because I found God in my heart, in my soul. It was God who showed me that I didn’t need to be beautifl to be loved, and suddenly the world loved me-because I had learned to love myself.

God helped me look beyond the ugliness of this world. What was it, if not the strength of God that helped me to live a normal life after a so called uncle tried to molest me as a seven year old, and later when my sister’s boy friend tried to do the same?
I was never bitter. Even after my fiance of four years cheated on me, and the relation came to a heartbreaking end. I didn’t suddenly stop believing in men or love. And God gave me my soul mate. No matter what, I never lost my faith…even when my father died of cancer, when all my family was questioning God, I didn’t. The only time I questioned God was when I was TTC. The day I realized that I was losing that special song, that cool breeze, that God no longer spoke tome, I stopped TTC.

What I had was special and TTC almost destroyed that. I still have not heard God in a long time..but I fee his presence, and I know soon he will speak to me again…

One year ago..

I had written this post. today i am sitting here wth Danny by my side kicking happily. A year! where has the time flown...2010 looks beautiful...nothing negative...things will be beautiful for me, for you and for the whole world. Here is last years story in pics...













December 2008, visit to Suryalanka.






August 2009 -8 months pregnant













September 2009, Danny 5 minutes after his birth.

November 2009 - playing mommy

December 2009- revisiting Suryalanka, this time with Danny.

December 2009.