Wednesday, March 3, 2010

The story of my faith.

I knew ‘God’ even before I understood the meaning of the word. The earliest memory I have is that of me sitting in the corner of our dusty garden, crying. The memories are foggy, but I do remember that I cried a lot. Maybe its my way of burying the bad memories. I cried because my parents always seemed to fight, I cried because time and again I was told how ugly I was. I ahd three beautiful elder sisters and even as a five year old I was made aware of the fact that I was an aberation. Every guest who visited us added a new cruel coment that sent me hiding, from the world, from myself.

But even then a small breeze would come floating in, engulf me and tell me how special I was. That breeze would make me feel like a princess. That breeze gave me strength dust my dirty dress, smile and go back to face the world. That breeze sometimes became a sweet song, when I hid in the dark corner of the cupboard. As I grew up, I realized that breeze was God, my God. God never made life easy for me, never took away the obstacles. God gave me courage to fight and grow. I never had to go to place of worship or follow a religion because I found God in my heart, in my soul. It was God who showed me that I didn’t need to be beautifl to be loved, and suddenly the world loved me-because I had learned to love myself.

God helped me look beyond the ugliness of this world. What was it, if not the strength of God that helped me to live a normal life after a so called uncle tried to molest me as a seven year old, and later when my sister’s boy friend tried to do the same?
I was never bitter. Even after my fiance of four years cheated on me, and the relation came to a heartbreaking end. I didn’t suddenly stop believing in men or love. And God gave me my soul mate. No matter what, I never lost my faith…even when my father died of cancer, when all my family was questioning God, I didn’t. The only time I questioned God was when I was TTC. The day I realized that I was losing that special song, that cool breeze, that God no longer spoke tome, I stopped TTC.

What I had was special and TTC almost destroyed that. I still have not heard God in a long time..but I fee his presence, and I know soon he will speak to me again…

3 comments:

The warrior in me said... Best Blogger Tips

Hey Chhandita!

You've posted after long- i see how busy the baby keeps you! I have no idea which mad man called you unpretty. If you remember correctly, the first thing i'd commented on on your blog was a couple of photographs. I think you're beautiful, if that counts.

We've all had crazy mad men molest us, only to leave sickening scars of self-hate and guilt on our hearts, but life stays beautiful. Focus on the good, more will come.

God still hears you. I know He does, just as you do. You can't seem to hear Him, coz He's awestruck with the beauty of His own creation- spellbound, He will get over his surprise soon- WATCH :)

LJ Ducharme said... Best Blogger Tips

Thank you for a lovely and inspiring entry. I can so relate to what you've said.
I grew up believing I was a mistake. I was not supposed to happen, and that I shouldn't have happened. I was not worthy of love. Tough stuff for a kid to grow up believing to be true.
God came along in my mid 20's and gently and loving tole me differently. He chose me. He wanted me. and He loved me.

I'm sorry that I don't understand what TTC is, but I do hear the pain behind it for you. There is nothing I can do to relieve that, and I won't try. I do know that God has a bigger plan even when we can't figure out what the is.

Oh, there is so much more I'd like to say .... but I won't.

Thank you again for a lovely, heartfelt entry.

The Warrior in ME said... Best Blogger Tips

Hi Chhandita!

Glad to hear from you back.

You may not think this explanation necessary, but i'd be happier with myself if i gave it.

I've been glued to blogger for sooo many days, for heart-breaking hours each day. i've sat here doing NOTHING to sort my future, but read about a lot of people DOING many things, in their lives, great and small. Yesterday, my eyes hurt severely and i felt like reality had slapped me hard in the face.

I decided to put a stop to what i have been doing so much of. So, i hit the "stop following" link on a LOT of blogs i used to follow. This was NOT a ploy to get you to follow me back coz i've been following you. Aah! I just feel so much better now for having explained myself.

Now, i'm following you again, BECAUSE you were the ONLY ONE who even bothered to realize something had changed on your dashboard once i did that. Nobody else seemed to care. So, thank you for letting me know that my comments MATTERED to you.

Love,

The Warrior in ME.

p.s. like the previous commenter, i don't know what ttc means too. tried googling it, didn't help :(