Monday, May 23, 2011

What is happiness for you?

You should be happy. You have everything you ever wanted. Life is complete. But you feel that gnawing hole in your existence. Something is missing. Something so intangible, that you don’t even know what it is, forget about getting it. Maybe that’s how life is supposed to be. Maybe it is just not possible to be completely happy and satisfied. Maybe but I just can’t accept that. There cannot be any other reason for our existence but to be happy. All we do, every action of ours is in pursuance of happiness.

So why are we never truly and completely happy? Why is there something missing in life, no matter what we achieve or possess?

Personally I believe that the happiness comes in the working for the desired goal, not in achieving it. Couples that are always WORKING at making their marriage successful are happy because they are not content to sit back and say, “Well, I’m now happy, nothing else to do.” Getting our home or yard decorated or landscaped is fun while we are doing it. Not in standing on the sidewalk with our hands on our hips looking at it. We often THINK that when we are done we will then be happy, not so. Anticipating a long vacation, planning, arranging details, making reservations is often more engrossing and rewarding than actually doing the anticipated activities.

Music!! yup, music makes me happy. Can any one not like music? I thrive on music.  I love music whether it’s the swing of jazz, energy of rock, depth of blues or the head banging noise of heavy metal; I lap it all up.
Music is the universal language that speaks to everyone. I may not understand a word of a Spanish song, but its beats, rhythm, its life is enough to make me alive to it. I cannot sing, but I admire and envy those who can. Music makes me alive, it gives my life a meaning even when all else fails to lift my spirits. Listening to a good piece of music can make a thousand miserable moments worth living for. When you hear your favourite song, you feel its being played especially for you, you feel you foot tapping. Music not only touches your body but engulfs your soul too.
Today I am at peace..not because someone gave me an expensive gift, but because I am living my life from my heart....its a beautiful world, if u see it from my eyes...I was upset till I was expecting another to make me complete, till I was waiting for another to fill my life with happiness, and the moment I looked inwards, into my soul, I found all the happiness in the world, all the love in the world.....

Today I know what Buddha meant when he said ‘you, more than anyone else in this world, deserve your love and affection’...I sure do .....

I wish my soul was always so steady and loving...but I know that’s not possible...I will falter..but my real courage will be in getting up...

So I am not someone who will earn in millions, I am not someone who will win a beauty pageant; I am not someone who will win a prize for literature...

I am still special....because I am me!!!!.....I am as special as the birds and the I don’t have big ambitions, if only I can make a person smile, if only I can make one person happy for a moment...that’s a life well lived......

Don’t love me because I am intelligent, beautiful or successful, love me because I am me...the soul that loves the God in every being,
‘I believe in angels, something good in everything I see....’..for the first time I am writing something without caring that someone might read it...........FREEDOM!!!!

Sunday, May 22, 2011

Skinny post

This is going to be short. I am exhausted...And I don't even know why! (CD2 maybe that's the reason) Feeling low and just want to sleep it out.

OK. Remember this post? This is where I talk about my efforts to gain weight. Well, my first month didn't go too well, and I ended up losing 2 lbs. I went for a weight check yesterday and guess what? I have gained 4 freaking lbs!!!And i actually 2 of these 4 lbs in the last 10 days! Maybe, just maybe, i will reach my target weight of 110 lbs by September.

I am eating as I was just added a glass of milk (with protein supplement) and eggs to my diet. My guess is that now that Danny is FINALLY sleeping through he night, I too am sleeping better and THAT may have helped me gain weight.Funny thing is that although I have gained weight, and sleeping better, i am feeling tired and pooped out. Wonder what's up.

The other skinny person in our family, Danny is getting too many "oh he is so skinny" comments lately. Makes me so so angry! I am looking for witty responses. Right now I shrug it off with a smile or say "he is like his mom" But i want to say something that will make the person understand that it is RUDE to say things like "are you not feeding him" "He is so skinny, what are you doing to him?". I never look at a chubby toddler and ask the mom why she is overfeeding him. I just don't want Danny to go through what I did. I don't want him to develop body image issues. Ideas?

PS: Thanks for dropping by from ICLW. I promise to start commenting in a day or so. I just need to get some energy back.

Friday, May 20, 2011

Just a thought

Loneliness and the feeling of being unwanted is the most terrible poverty. Mother Teresa

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

Baby Shower...For Haidee with Love

Today is a very special day for a very special person. Today is Haidee’s virtual baby shower hosted by the wonderful Athena from A Field of Dreams. Haidee (from Maybe Baby... (or Maybe the Loony Bin?) is expecting her first child in July. A fellow IFer who experienced 3 years of infertility and 3 cycles of IVF will finally welcome her son.
This post is my gift for Haidee. We in India don’t really have baby showers so forgive me if this sounds a little off.

Congratulations Haidee. I wondered what I could give you to make this day memorable and I decided to go India...

How about a little dress for the little prince printed with the holiest motif existing in Hinduism?

I also found this adorable little toy Ganesha to keep your boy company and help him sleep through the night  

For you and your DH, I got this beautiful dress...sure to make you feel like royalty.

Finally, an open invitation to visit India, be my guest and explore my beautiful with your family.

These are mere symbols (But if you do accept my invitation to visit India, I promise you the time of your life). Symbols of our happiness, we are so happy – for you. I wish you and your family all the happiness in the world. 

I want to share a poem with you. It’s an English translation of a poem written by Rabindra Nath Tagore (Nobel Prize Winning Bengali Poet)
Baby’s World
I wish I could take a quiet corner in the heart of my baby's very
own world.
I know it has stars that talk to him, and a sky that stoops
down to his face to amuse him with its silly clouds and rainbows.
Those who make believe to be dumb, and look as if they never
could move, come creeping to his window with their stories and with
trays crowded with bright toys.
I wish I could travel by the road that crosses baby's mind,
and out beyond all bounds;
Where messengers run errands for no cause between the kingdoms
of kings of no history;
Where Reason makes kites of her laws and flies them, the Truth
sets Fact free from its fetters.

Wordless Wednesday

With his great grand ma...Smiling adoringly even with 104 fever.

Monday, May 16, 2011

A visit to the doctor can be an eye opener

This post is whiny and may make no sense at all. I will understand if you don’t read it. But if you do, I would love to hear from you, I appreciate your advice.

I have been having this weird breast pain for the last 10 days or so. Generally I have this problem a few days before AF arrives, but this time it started on CD5. I ignored it for a few days, hoping that it would just go away on its own. I just didn’t want to go see Dr A, my Ob/Gyn. But this Saturday, the pain got so bad that I had to go see her. As usual, the waiting room was filled with pregnant woman.

I love Dr. A. She is simply awesome, an amazing human being whose very presence is reassuring.  It turned out that I have Fibrocystic breasts, that a month on Vitamin E can easily treat. As Dr. A was writing out my prescription, she asked me about Danny and then asked if we were thinking about a second child. I mumbled about our adoption plans but in the silence that ensued I couldn’t help blurt out “I still want to experience pregnancy again”. And I started crying. Stupid I know, but on hindsight I realize I had been hiding this desire so deep in my heart that when it burst forth, it actually was a relief. But Dr. A said something that really made me realize that she ‘gets’ it. She said ‘You don’t need to feel guilty because you want to get pregnant again. That’s just the way our bodies were designed. Just because you told and convinced everyone including yourself that you were moving on with adoption does not mean that your body understood that. Your body wants to get pregnant and that’s completely normal.” She is right. I feel like such a hypocrite because its just not a second bay I crave for but s second pregnancy. I still get jealous when I see a pregnant belly. I feel guilty for not feeling 100% with adoption. Its not that I don’t want to adopt but I also want to get pregnant. Does this make any freaking sense? Its all so very confusing.

Dr. A suggested that if I decide to TTC again. I should come down for a follicular test as she thinks I am not ovulating (NEVER had that problem while TTC#1) and follow up with three Letrozole (Indian equivalent of Clomid) cycles. While TTC#1, my medicated cycles had all resulted in BFN, don’t see why it would be any different now.
But the fact is I Don’t know what I should do? The adoption process is well underway and I just CANNOT cancel this process, not if I want to look myself in the mirror everyday and not feel like low life hypocrite. 

The questions are endless:

1.       Do I want 3 kids?
2.       Do I try to fall pregnant just because my body craves it? Does his make any sense?
3.       Do I actually TTC#2 and go through month after month of BFNs and heartache?
4.       Should I EVEN be thinking about all this when I have so many other issues to deal with? My relation with M (which is improving, but we still have work to do, or my career?)

Its not that I am terribly unhappy but ‘this feeling’ lies just below the surface. I didn’t know this “ME”. I don’t know how to deal with this new layer in my character. I wish I could just forget about TTC#2 or even baby number 2. I want to be happy with my miracle son. Tell me how to just peel this layer and throw it away…

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

Moving on...

Now that the mess created by the Anon commenter is behind me, I can do what I love doing..Blog!
 This is going to be a bullet point post because a) I got a lot to share b) I am lazy!

  • I am busy. With a almost 20 month old toddler it possible cannot be otherwise. But I am also busy with A (remember M's cousin brother who stays with us). He is 13 so you can imagine what I have to deal with. I am also pretty sick of my OCD when it comes to keeping the house clean. NOTE TO SELF: sweeping the house 10 times a day is STUPID, specially when you got a 20 month old!! I have started my research on dad and hope to get something done in that front soon. We'll also be launching our website on the 30th of May (more on that after the launch). The website is taking up a lot of time. I have also taken up some work from home projects. and I am super excited about doing a guest post for one of my favourite bloggers and an amazing human. So, yes..super busy but HAPPPY busy. I love earning money, hate asking others for money.
  • I am in the middle of an arthritis flare up. I have learned to live with it now. I refuse to take steroids and am treating it with Ayurvedic medicine. As I said, learning to live with it.
  • Danny starts school next month. Its actually play school, 3 hours everyday. Can't believe Danny will be going to school. Where is time flying. NOTE TO SELF: savour each moment before its gone.
  • No news on the adoption front. MIL asked me to give away D's old swing and stroller. I was saving them for my daughter. They are a symbol of hope for me. If I give them away, I will feel like we are closing our doors. I know we can always buy new ones but for me, when we bought them, they were for D and and Aryana. Untill Aryana comes into our lives, they will stay put and take up space (as MIL said)
  • Happy to have spent the last 15 days without M's granny. Not easy to stay with an 84 year old you know!
  • I maybe jinxing myself but got to share this with you girls. Danny has not woken up at night for milk this week. He wakes up once still, for water (its crazy hot here). Way better then drinking formula thrice a night. Now fingers crossed that the trend continues.
  • I attended a Buddhist meeting this Saturday. We sang a beautiful song there and I wanted to share it with are the lyrics:

    Dare to believe there's a song in your heart
    Dare to believe in your dreams
    Nothing can stop you from playing your part
    As long as you dare to believe

    Too many people hold themselves back
    When they should be reaching out
    Too many people on the wrong track
    Led astray by a seed of doubt
    We don't have to live that way
    The sun is up on a brand new day

    Too many people say its al-right
    never seeing a need to change
    too many people hiding their light
    underneath a cloud of pain
    We don't have to bow our heads
    Lift them up sing joy instead

    And there's no time like the present time
    I am gonna go non stop, right now
    I have got something that I know is mine...

    PS: Just realized that today I completed four years of blogging! Wow!

Sunday, May 8, 2011

What's with these comments?

Whoever you are, you made your point. You wanted to hurt me, did please move on, and let me blog...Because unlike you I am not afraid. I don't hide behind anonymity...I know my life is a mess...but its my can just go take a hike...

Friday, May 6, 2011

I want to break free...

I want to dance like nobody is watching. Did I ever tell you how much I love dancing? I want to forget I am a mother, a wife, a sister, a daughter, a friend...I want to dance in celebration of ME...For a few moments, I just want to live for myself...

Monday, May 2, 2011


You were born together, and together you shall be forevermore.
You shall be together when the white wings of death scatter your days.
Ay, you shall be together even in the silent memory of God.
But let there be spaces in your togetherness,
And let the winds of the heavens dance between you.

Love one another, but make not a bond of love:
Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls.
Fill each other's cup but drink not from one cup.
Give one another of your bread but eat not from the same loaf
Sing and dance together and be joyous, but let each one of you be alone,
Even as the strings of a lute are alone though they quiver with the same music. 

Give your hearts, but not into each other's keeping.
For only the hand of Life can contain your hearts.
And stand together yet not too near together:
For the pillars of the temple stand apart,
And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other's shadow.

Kahlil Gibran on Marriage