Monday, May 16, 2011

A visit to the doctor can be an eye opener


This post is whiny and may make no sense at all. I will understand if you don’t read it. But if you do, I would love to hear from you, I appreciate your advice.

I have been having this weird breast pain for the last 10 days or so. Generally I have this problem a few days before AF arrives, but this time it started on CD5. I ignored it for a few days, hoping that it would just go away on its own. I just didn’t want to go see Dr A, my Ob/Gyn. But this Saturday, the pain got so bad that I had to go see her. As usual, the waiting room was filled with pregnant woman.

I love Dr. A. She is simply awesome, an amazing human being whose very presence is reassuring.  It turned out that I have Fibrocystic breasts, that a month on Vitamin E can easily treat. As Dr. A was writing out my prescription, she asked me about Danny and then asked if we were thinking about a second child. I mumbled about our adoption plans but in the silence that ensued I couldn’t help blurt out “I still want to experience pregnancy again”. And I started crying. Stupid I know, but on hindsight I realize I had been hiding this desire so deep in my heart that when it burst forth, it actually was a relief. But Dr. A said something that really made me realize that she ‘gets’ it. She said ‘You don’t need to feel guilty because you want to get pregnant again. That’s just the way our bodies were designed. Just because you told and convinced everyone including yourself that you were moving on with adoption does not mean that your body understood that. Your body wants to get pregnant and that’s completely normal.” She is right. I feel like such a hypocrite because its just not a second bay I crave for but s second pregnancy. I still get jealous when I see a pregnant belly. I feel guilty for not feeling 100% with adoption. Its not that I don’t want to adopt but I also want to get pregnant. Does this make any freaking sense? Its all so very confusing.

Dr. A suggested that if I decide to TTC again. I should come down for a follicular test as she thinks I am not ovulating (NEVER had that problem while TTC#1) and follow up with three Letrozole (Indian equivalent of Clomid) cycles. While TTC#1, my medicated cycles had all resulted in BFN, don’t see why it would be any different now.
But the fact is I Don’t know what I should do? The adoption process is well underway and I just CANNOT cancel this process, not if I want to look myself in the mirror everyday and not feel like low life hypocrite. 

The questions are endless:

1.       Do I want 3 kids?
2.       Do I try to fall pregnant just because my body craves it? Does his make any sense?
3.       Do I actually TTC#2 and go through month after month of BFNs and heartache?
4.       Should I EVEN be thinking about all this when I have so many other issues to deal with? My relation with M (which is improving, but we still have work to do, or my career?)

Its not that I am terribly unhappy but ‘this feeling’ lies just below the surface. I didn’t know this “ME”. I don’t know how to deal with this new layer in my character. I wish I could just forget about TTC#2 or even baby number 2. I want to be happy with my miracle son. Tell me how to just peel this layer and throw it away…

22 comments:

St Elsewhere said... Best Blogger Tips

Dr. A said a beautiful thing. I love her for putting it so straight. I am also glad that you now have a diagnosis and a way of treatment.

I just want to say something here. And I am not playing expert, so just take it with a pinch of salt. I want you to do a lot of research on Letrozole.

If you are aware, there has been a lot of controversy in India about the administration of Letrozole.

Letrozole is NOT the Indian equivalent of Clomid. Indian equivalent of Clomid is Siphene.

Letrozole is Femara and it was originally meant to treat breast cancer. It is an alternate drug to Clomid. The controversy exists because it was originally developed to cure something else.

One thing that is said about Letrozole is that its side effects are less intense than Clomid.

I just want you to take an informed decision.

C said... Best Blogger Tips

Thanks S for the info! Last time I took Letrozole I cold find no info online! So assumed it was the Indian equivalent for Clomid! IF I decide to go ahead, I will talk about Siphene.

SurlyMama said... Best Blogger Tips

I would say be open to however your child want to join your family, whether it's through adoption or through another pregnancy. If you feel strongly about being pregnant again pursue that while still leaving the door open for adoption and trust that if something is not meant to be the doors will close and you will have peace of mind about the process.

Tracy said... Best Blogger Tips

as goofy as this sounds, when I have two conflicting "wants" I start writing a dialog as if I were writing a script, only the actors are want1 and want2. it makes sense more than it appears to for the simple reason that it gives you the one thing you don't have when you're conflicted: perspective. you sort of artificially raise yourself above it all enough to get a clearer idea of what you really want as well as why you think you want the other thing.
of course, now that I re-read it, I'm laughing, but it has helped me.

awomanmyage said... Best Blogger Tips

What is it you feel about pregnancy specifically that you crave the experience again? Not that I mean you shouldn't try to get pregnant - I certainly envy anyone's ability to do so.

In any case, you can certainly choose both paths. What would your life look like if you fulfilled your heart's desire? And then chant to fulfill your heart. Chant for a huge capacity to handle a bigger family through whatever means. You are a good woman.

a field of dreams said... Best Blogger Tips

Hard one C.
Firstly I think you need to peel the pregnancy layer more. Really think about and maybe even talk to a counsellor. If it is just a need to be PG where does that leave the baby? How will you cope if an adoption child also moves in to your life? Is your husband committed to not only 2 but maybe even 3 kids? There are just too many questions. The only answers you will get is talking through each one and really understanding it yourself!
P.S Don't forget to post Haidees virtual baby shower gift on Thursday. please let me know if you're pulling out.

Esperanza said... Best Blogger Tips

I think it's totally understandable that you feel a primal urge to get pregnant again, one that flies in the face of all your cerebral reasoning. I feel that same urge all the time. I think that is one of the reasons that I'm struggling so much with TTC#2. My body is urging me to start trying to get pregnant immediately while my brain is telling me that we should wait a while, for the sake of our sanity and our relationship. It's hard when the two feelings cannot be reconciled. Add to that the fear I feel about TTC and it's just a total emotional shit show.

I would definitely say that you need to speak with your husband and make sure you're on the same page. I know my guy doesn't want to get started until our official start date and I'm intending to respect that and not try to move it up. It's hard but I feel he deserves that much. Hopefully you can find a way to come to an agreement about how many children you want to have. I know that for many couples that is difficult (I have a feeling it will be for us).

Good luck!

PS I'm glad the breast pain is easily treatable. That sounds awful.

C said... Best Blogger Tips

Athena, I am surely doing the baby shower.

C said... Best Blogger Tips

Tracy...Interesting idea. Will give it a try.

Esperenza: That's exactly it. The want it so primal, it can get overwhelming at times. Thanks for 'understanding'.

L thanks...That's a very sensible advice. I really need to think hard.

AWMA: What I crave about pregnancy? Everything! and I had HARD pregnancy in the first place. I am trying to chant and leave it upto the Gohonzon.

Athena, I know. I feel sick in my stomach because I feel like this. But according to Dr A, its normal, so I am just trying to work through my desires and reality.

blue291 said... Best Blogger Tips

I have 2 children. I was single and engaged with the first and he left. I kept my baby. 12 yrs later I met my hubby and we had a son. Since then he has successfully fought cancer and is believed to not have any fertility left. It may return within a year or 2 but maybe not and there is no way to know if it will. I just turned 40 and crave another baby. I won't do adoption because I crave the pregnancy and seeing how our love has combined in another child just like it did in our son who is now 6.

I would love a baby adopted or not. That isn't it for me. If a baby turned up on my doorstep I would love it like my own but parenting a child for me starts with a baby growing inside. That is my desire. Here in the US it is a long wait for a newborn and I have a 6 yr old so I don't want to bring home an older child with problems. I have to care for who I have first. When he is older maybe, I think of that often but not now.

So every month I cry when my period comes. Every month I pray to God to give us a child if we are meant to have another.

Allow yourself to feel what you feel. If you deny your feelings no matter how hidden then you are denying yourself. I have a friend who can't get pregnant and had no problem suggesting adoption to me. It isn't what my body and soul crave. Nor is it what my husband wants.

No marriage is perfect and as long as you are both working towards the same goals you are going to be fine.

I wish you the best and feel like a hypocrite as well not wanting adoption. I am blessed to have the 2 children I have and I know that. I just have experienced the whole thing and want that again.

C said... Best Blogger Tips

blue291..Thank u so much for your comment..it meant a lot...It feels good to have someone understand what I feel.

Charlotte said... Best Blogger Tips

C,
I tried to leave this yesterday but blogger was acting ridiculous!

If you truly want another pregnancy, it may be something you regret if you never try for.

In my humble opinion, if a pregnancy and adoption both were to happen you would be thrice blessed.

What is holding you back from doing what your heart desires?

Is it the fear of failure of ttc? Is it your relationship?

You should not have to shoulder the burden alone in making these decisions. Talk to M. Be open and completely honest with him about how you feel, about your desires and also your fears. Lean on him, your partner in this life. I bet he just might be the answers you need.

C said... Best Blogger Tips

@Charlotte Marg, first of all CONGRATULATIONS ON your BFP!! Beyond happy for you. What stops me is my dread of month after month of BFNs. I don't know if I can take that anymore. I will talk and discuss all this with M after his exams get over. Thanks for being around. You are the only one still around from those black ad old days, so guess you will understand....

Aramelle said... Best Blogger Tips

*hugs*
I wish I had some insightful piece of wisdom to share. Thankfully, you've gotten some good things to think about from the other ladies commenting. I just wanted to say that I'm thinking about you. I kind of understand how you're feeling. Not for the same situation, as we are heavily considering Z being an only child, but for the questions and uncertainty that come with considering all of this. I hate that IF has left an ever-lasting question mark on my life.

Charlotte said... Best Blogger Tips

C,
Thanks so much, hun!!

I am always here, reading, usually thru google reader so I don't comment as much because reader doesn't let you (or I don't know how??)

I get alot about where you are coming from, and I totally get the whole month after month stress.

I fought hard against that this time around. So hard. Just to keep my emotions in check, I fought myself and only allowed myself to be upset for a moment each month. I forced myself to do.

Anyway...I'm always here, or on fb, rooting for you!! xoxo

C said... Best Blogger Tips

@Aramelle Thanks for understanding. How awesome is it that we have people we may never meet, who are always there when you need them? This is the ONLY good thing I can think that IF gave me!

marriage20 said... Best Blogger Tips

I agree that your doctor's comment is really beautiful. One thing I'm learning throughout this process is that there are many layers to our feelings, needs and desires. It takes time and patience to discover all of the layers and sort through them. Blogging regularly and keeping open lines of communication with my husband and some close friends has really helped me clarify things when I'm feeling confused.

Whatever path you choose, I wish you all the best in your journey and look forward to reading your updates.

iclw #5

Tippy said... Best Blogger Tips

stopping by from iclw (#8). and thanks for stopping by mine :) i can really understand this post. i want to experience pregnancy in a bad way. i hope that you get to fulfil all of your dreams. its ok to want it all. adoption, and ttc. thinking of you.

SHANA said... Best Blogger Tips

I truly understand. I would love to have a second child but I don't know that is realistic for me. And we could always attempt the adoption route in the future but I too crave to be pregnant again and have that experience one more time. I just know how you feel. And it's ok, you're not a bad person. You're human.

Ericka said... Best Blogger Tips

I am visiting you from ICLW and I can tell you that I have an almost 4 year old and been TTC#2 for almost 3 years...I don't know how to "just be happy" with her...and that hurts. It hurts to admit to myself (and to the public) that one for me may not be enough. I want another baby. Now! I am a happy person too, but it's hard to ignore that constant tugging at your heart. Good luck on your journey.

Danelle said... Best Blogger Tips

Dear Chhandy,

I read your blog and feel so guilty. But then my guilt subsides. I feel guilty because I cannot relate to the desire to have children and I am a woman!(as you know, hehehe). I enjoy other's children immensely, as you know as well, but my body doesn't crave it. Maybe it's because of what I see and experience in our society, or maybe I am just selfish. A good friend of mine who is almost 40 is now pregnant for the first time and is sooo excited. I am happy for her.

Anyway, I have LOADS to tell you. And have Danny's present to send off soon as in Sept he will be 2. Will email you. Love ya!

Maria said... Best Blogger Tips

hi, my name is maria. i just came across your blog and have been reading about your story. :) i don't think you have any reason to feel guilty for wanting another child. i think it is natural instinct for a mother and if you wanted 10 children...it'd be just the same. my husband and i are still ttc our first, we've had 5 losses in a row and there are still times i tell myself to slow it down bc i find myself day dreaming about wanting 2 or 3 children...
but that's okay...because we are all allowed to want to fulfill our desires and dreams of the family we so deserve.
wishing you much luck in your decisions and journey.
i also have a blog about our struggles, life and love with trying to concieve.
lots of luck and love
maria