This post is whiny and may make no sense at all. I will understand if you don’t read it. But if you do, I would love to hear from you, I appreciate your advice.
I have been having this weird breast pain for the last 10 days or so. Generally I have this problem a few days before AF arrives, but this time it started on CD5. I ignored it for a few days, hoping that it would just go away on its own. I just didn’t want to go see Dr A, my Ob/Gyn. But this Saturday, the pain got so bad that I had to go see her. As usual, the waiting room was filled with pregnant woman.
I love Dr. A. She is simply awesome, an amazing human being whose very presence is reassuring. It turned out that I have Fibrocystic breasts, that a month on Vitamin E can easily treat. As Dr. A was writing out my prescription, she asked me about Danny and then asked if we were thinking about a second child. I mumbled about our adoption plans but in the silence that ensued I couldn’t help blurt out “I still want to experience pregnancy again”. And I started crying. Stupid I know, but on hindsight I realize I had been hiding this desire so deep in my heart that when it burst forth, it actually was a relief. But Dr. A said something that really made me realize that she ‘gets’ it. She said ‘You don’t need to feel guilty because you want to get pregnant again. That’s just the way our bodies were designed. Just because you told and convinced everyone including yourself that you were moving on with adoption does not mean that your body understood that. Your body wants to get pregnant and that’s completely normal.” She is right. I feel like such a hypocrite because its just not a second bay I crave for but s second pregnancy. I still get jealous when I see a pregnant belly. I feel guilty for not feeling 100% with adoption. Its not that I don’t want to adopt but I also want to get pregnant. Does this make any freaking sense? Its all so very confusing.
Dr. A suggested that if I decide to TTC again. I should come down for a follicular test as she thinks I am not ovulating (NEVER had that problem while TTC#1) and follow up with three Letrozole (Indian equivalent of Clomid) cycles. While TTC#1, my medicated cycles had all resulted in BFN, don’t see why it would be any different now.
But the fact is I Don’t know what I should do? The adoption process is well underway and I just CANNOT cancel this process, not if I want to look myself in the mirror everyday and not feel like low life hypocrite.
The questions are endless:
1. Do I want 3 kids?
2. Do I try to fall pregnant just because my body craves it? Does his make any sense?
3. Do I actually TTC#2 and go through month after month of BFNs and heartache?
4. Should I EVEN be thinking about all this when I have so many other issues to deal with? My relation with M (which is improving, but we still have work to do, or my career?)
Its not that I am terribly unhappy but ‘this feeling’ lies just below the surface. I didn’t know this “ME”. I don’t know how to deal with this new layer in my character. I wish I could just forget about TTC#2 or even baby number 2. I want to be happy with my miracle son. Tell me how to just peel this layer and throw it away…