Friday, April 24, 2009

Death is the ultimate reality

Nidhi and her mom - October 2008.

Cancer has stolen another life. A life which was much loved. My best friend, Nidhi’s mom died yesterday. Nobody even told me – they wanted to protect me. I only discovered this morning.

How can you not tell a daughter her mother has died? Because that’s what she was, almost my mother. She fought the battle bravely for almost 2 years and finally gave up. In December, the doctors had given her a clean bill – the cancer was gone, and Nidhi got married in February. And it came back…. This time more powerful. We didn’t have time. We lost her within a month.

I am so glad I went to Delhi last month. Maybe that was the reason I actually went. To see her, to talk to her – for the one last time.

Her house was like my own, I could go there anytime of the day, and she would welcome me with an open smile. She loved to feed me, and this last time too, she cooked my favorite, and some lassi too. She knew I loved lassi.

I was 14 when I met her, almost 16 years ago. I grew up in front of her. I have cried, and the tears are still flowing. I wish I could talk to her one last time, but every time I called her this last month, she was too ill to talk to me.

Cancer- It kills you a million times before it actually kills you physically. It took away my dad when he was only 55. Now it has taken away aunty, she was just 54.

I feel orphaned.

Thursday, April 23, 2009

Sperm Education - A new twist on an old joke

The newly born sperm was receiving instructions in conception from the instructor."As soon as you hear the siren, run for the tunnel and swim in a straight line until you get to the entrance of a damp cavern. At the end of the cavern you will find a red, sticky ball which is the egg.Address it and say, "I'm a Sperm." She will answer, I'm the Egg." From that moment on you will work together to create the embryo. Do you understand?" The sperm nodded affirmatively and the instructor said, "Then, good luck!"Two days later, the sperm is taking a nap when he hears the siren. He wakes up immediately and runs to the tunnel. A multitude of sperm swim behind him. He knows he has to arrive first. When he nears the entrance to the cavern, he looks back and sees that he is far ahead of the other sperm.He is able to swim at a slower pace but does approach the red, sticky ball. When, at last, he reaches the red, sticky ball, he smiles and says, "Hi, I'm a sperm."The red sticky ball smiles and says, "Hi. I'm a tonsil."

Update: 16w1d - All is calm. Waiting for the flutters in my tummy to finally mean baby Dan and not some gas bubbles. Still have time for that. Eating like a pig (but all healthy. I never liked junk food.) Its all fruits and veggies. No weight gain yet. Good thing or bad? We will leave that to the doctor to decide when I go to meet her this Saturday.

The house is peaceful and empty. Grand MIL and Akhil (Mallik's cuz brother) are not at home. Won't be till 10th May. I love this peace, although I miss Akhil, but I can manage 20 days.

Ok, time for another snack. Signing off.

Monday, April 20, 2009


Shalini just got her much deserved BFP, please go give her a hug. Am so so so happy for you S!!!

Update: MIL was here yesterday. Wanted to throw me the indian version of a baby shower, i refused. So anyone out there want to throw me a virtual baby shower? lol..kidding....Am doing good..nothing much to report, just that I am praying for everyone I know in the IF world to get their BFPs soon..

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

I don't belong...

anywhere it seems... I certainly don't belong to that group of happily pregnant women, because well, i just don't feel one of them, and of late I have started feeling that I may be intruding in the IF community... But I am still suffering from IF, if that makes sense...well, just face the world and move on I guess...

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

My niece

This is Paakhi, my youngest niece. Paakhi means bird in Bengali.

PS: I am 14 weeks 6 days today. Time sure is flying!!

Here is a post i wanted to write. Shelby has written it so well, and it reflects exactly how I feel.

Wednesday, April 8, 2009


I went to the doctor and she asked me to get an urine test done. Found trace of protein and am now on antibiotics. Feeling pretty sick.

And lonely...

Update: It rained today, and it’s like heaven ... Everything looks pure and pristine. The trees are dancing to a silent song I long to hear. The birds are happy too I guess. I can hear them sing. I watch the raindrops fall on my window, and life seems perfect, right now right here.

On days like today, when things are perfect, my heart just flies back in time - remembering the days gone by....days spent with friends, jumping over puddles, singing along our favorite songs, without a care in the world....And today all those days are just memories, beautiful memories that make me cry. Days have fled......, why cant I relive those moments? I know I cant, and that’s what makes things more difficult....I am reminded of a song ‘Its yesterday once more’ true to what I feel now...I know this feeling will pass, and I will go on living my present life as I should....But this moment, when the memories refuse to leave me alone, when all I want is to be a 13 year old again, is precious too. Friends, I miss them so...Maybe, just maybe, if I had my friends around, I wouldn’t feel so much pain on a beautiful day like today, if they were around I would have created new memories with them......

Thursday, April 2, 2009


I am in pain. My lower back and lower abdomen hurts and its difficult for me to even sleep at night! I don't want to ask my family or doctor because they always say i am just imagining stuff...Even if I stand for too long, my thighs and abdomen starts hurting...any ideas? Am not asking Dr Google yet, hopefully will get some answers here...