Monday, April 8, 2013

Family of Three

That's us right now. We spent the whole of  2012 TTC#2. After cancelling our adoption plans, we were stupid enough to think it will happen. And it kind of did. December, my periods were late by a couple of days. I was feeling exhausted, had no appetite - all symptoms from my last two BFPs. I bought an HPT, and sure enough, there was the hint of a second line. I call it my ghost line. I called M. He was so happy. Took off from office to reach home early (now, that's super rare, so it was a nice treat for us). But the very next day, I started cramping, and withing a couple of hours I was bleeding. Funnily enough, apart from a brief spell while kitchen, no tears were shed. It was a chemical.

By December end, we had all the tests done (all but HSG. I refuse to put myself through that mind numbing pain again.) We remain unexplained. In January, I started on my first Clomid cycle. and right now, my third Clomid has just ended, needless to say, all in BFNs. I am okay. It is M I am hurting for. I am pretty content being a family of three. My hands are full, so is my heart. Danny is enough for me. But M? He so desires another child. A daughter. Aaryana. She will have curly hair. She will be papa's pet. We are not moving forward on the adoption front because M and I differ on our views on how to deal with the subject of adoption. M believes that our child through adoption will not know his adoption story. But I cannot pretend she is our biological child. I have done too much research to agree to M's idea of adoption. If we adopt, I want our child to know she was adopted from the very beginning.

So here we are. There is a slim chance of an IUI in the future. But we don't have a lot of time. I turned 34 march 26th. I give ourselves another at the max. I give M another year to make peace with the idea of being a family of three. But me? I am at peace. I am okay.

Tuesday, April 2, 2013

Reclaiming My Voice

I have been gone from this place for a long time and this time, the absence was intentional. I needed this time away from blogland to heal. This place had become an obsession. The kind of stress I felt about each post, each comment - was no longer healthy. I would keep track of my followers and would analyze why others had more comments or readers.

There were nights when I couldn't sleep well, obsessing over who commented what, where and why! I saw bloggers, who I had started to think of as my friends, become close to others and form groups. I began to feel left out. It began to feel like a popularity contest. It felt like high school all over again. Only trouble is, I never was a part of the happening crowd in school, or in college. I could care less about what people thought about me, but suddenly it did matter.

It might have been a part of my battle with extreme anxiety and depression. But this blog, this community was no longer my safe haven. I had twisted it into something I lost sleep over. I had started living in this place. I had no life or friends IRL. I needed a break. I needed the break to reclaim my place in this world. I needed this break to discover MY unique voice again.

I hope to keep blogging regularly. But now I hope to stay true to myself. I never cared about being popular. I won't fall into that trap again. I want to live with my words. I want to find joy again with this beautiful language. I hope to find the sense of freedom, the sense of walking the path that was meant for me.