Friday, October 31, 2008

I love this song..peps me always..

I believe the sun should never set upon an argument
I believe we place our happiness in other people's hands
I believe that junk food tastes so good because it's bad for you
I believe your parents did the best job they knew how to do
I believe that beauty magazines promote low self esteem
I believe I'm loved when I'm completely by myself alone

I believe in Karma what you give is what you get returned
I believe you can't appreciate real love 'til you've been burned
I believe the grass is no more greener on the other sideI
believe you don't know what you've got until you say goodbye

I believe you can't control or choose your sexuality
I believe that trust is more important than monogamy
I believe your most attractive features are your heart and soul
I believe that family is worth more than money or gold
I believe the struggle for financial freedom is unfair
I believe the only ones who disagree are millionaires

I believe in Karma what you give is what you get returned
I believe you can't appreciate real love 'til you've been burned
I believe the grass is no more greener on the other side
I believe you don't know what you've got until you say goodbye

I believe forgiveness is the key to your unhappiness
I believe that wedded bliss negates the need to be undressed
I believe that God does not endorse tv evangelists
I believe in love surviving death into eternity

I believe in Karma what you give is what you get returned
I believe you can't appreciate real love 'til you've been burned
I believe the grass is no more greener on the other side
I believe you don't know what you've got until you say goodbye

Why ME?

I guess all of us ask this at some point of our life... and the feeling gets worse when you are TTC. Last two days have been harrowing for me to say the least. I started spotting on the 29th (14DPO), continued spotting through 30th and till today morning. Got my hopes up. STUPID.

I was feeling sick, nausea, couldn't eat anything and terrible cramps. I just felt pregnant. and so I did the stupid thing, yes, i POAS yesterday evening BFN!!! how did i feel? pain, unbearable pain. Maybe it was because it wasn't FMU? why do i keep fooling myself?

Went to the doctor today morning. She asked me to wait for three days as this delay and all this spotting is due to the bloody Progesterone tablets i have been taking....and when the AF arrives with full force, have to visit her again. The doc said " oh, I tell all my patients that its just 40% chance, so don't get your hopes up" shut the fuck up bitch. I know my chances. Have been on this boat for the last 17 months or gimme a break OK? I think AF is coming full on now. What a bitch...what was she doing these two days? MOCKING me???????

My husband was just speaking to his friend this morning. Was asking about what they were naming their new born. It simply tore me apart. DH will make an amazing father...Cant I just give him this one thing? How long?I read about those wonderful women who go through this for years... I don't think I am strong enough to do that.....

Wednesday, October 29, 2008


Yes, she has arrived. Started spotting sometime back. I still want to hold onto some sort of hope "Implantation bleeding maybe?" but who am I fooling? I lost again. What are we doing wrong? everything seemed perfect this time. Perfect ovulation, my perfect egg. It was 24mm. progesterone, perfect timing, less stress..did everything possible. I don't know how long I can deal with this.

All the doctor says is : you are perfect. Just relax" WTF. How do I relax? Is this just bad Karma? Am I just not supposed to have a baby? I feel too tired to try again. I am losing this battle......

Maybe this is as good as it gets...

I couldn't resist...yesterday was 13DPO, and I tested..yup you guessed it.BFN!!! yawn so what is new in that.. I didn't even feel upset... i mean as upset as i generally get.. I am tired of being sad and bitter... I want a baby... I want to give DH the best gift possible, but there is nothing I can do now...

We have given ourselves a deadline now. We try till my 30th Birthday (26th March, 2009). Then we start walking the adoption path... painful as it is, I need sanity in life... I need to go back to loving myself, I need to have an hours conversation without mentioning Ovulation. TTCing, BFP, cervical Mucus.... I need to watch a movie and not get all teary.... I need to start living again. I need to make love to my husband without worrying about position and timing....


I am scared of going to the bathroom. I DONT want to see the red witch today.... But I can feel her coming, and I can feel the tears too.. I am at work and really dont want to have a howling sessio here. All I want is to be alone, but I have a workshop to conduct. Need to practice my fake smile again...

Monday, October 27, 2008


today is 12DPO...had severe cramps Saturday and Sunday, went to the doctor who said that I have an urine infection...feeling better today..... doctor doesn't want me to test until 1st Nov..long way offffffffffffffffffffffff......................

The party on Sunday was a big hit..finally felt like people in my husbands family accepted me, and am proud that I never gave up my individuality ti fit in..

Tomorrow is Diwali.. its huge Indian festival so lot planned for that...

all of you beautiful girls out may not know what Diwali is, But I still wish you a very happy Diwali..God Bless....

Saturday, October 25, 2008

Sick Sick Sick

I just dragged myself off the bed to type this..I feel SICK...nausea, and severe AF cramps these, these are different...dont know know what is it is...but not a good feeling.....yuck yuckkk...updates later....

Friday, October 24, 2008

maybe next month?

Today is 9DPO, and I have no symptoms, none whatsoever, a tuny cramp here and there thats all. I dont feel pregnant at all... I just dont feel this is the month...But a part of me wants it so much... Send me some baby dust plz :(


The weekend is here :) my job as an editorial manager is fun.. but I am not really looking forward to this weekend..have a HUGE family lunch on Sunday... and if you are not an Indian, you have no clue how nasty it can get..all of my DH's extended family will be there..yuckk.....and I start on my progesterone that day so.......

I wish my family was here with me, but they live so far away :( miss them so much... imagine being in a city, 1600 kms away from family, in a city which doesn't speak yourlanguage... it was a tough first year for me after marriage..things have settled down but still...

on another note: one of my ex colleagues (friend) has been calling me, and i haven't taken her call..she is going through a bad phase and i was there for her.. but i did tell her a week back that i needed time alone, away from people who are worried for me,and asked how i was..I am not someone who shares her feeling with everyone. I like being strong...and when I am weak, I like to ride through that alone... maybe it is wrong, but it is the way I DEAL... shouldn't I have that freedom? does this make me a bitch? I have realized that peope who have not dealt with infertility dont really understand it, so I try not discuss it with them... I dont need HELP, I just need to be LEFT ALONE for some time.....

Luteal Phase?

Ok, so here is the problem. I have a 30 day cycle, so AF should arrive on the 2nd (M damn regular)..but I ovulated on the 15th, so according to the 14 day luteal phase rule, should be getting a visit frm miss spot on the 29th..hmmm..... does this mean tht i was actually ovulating late in the previous cycles?...

My Niece

Born on the 17th of September, 2008...pic is blurred...have better ones, will post soon.... my sister is super fertile. Conceived her son (now 3) within 1 month of marriage, and then Zara (above) in the one month she was with her husband (marital problems)....

Thursday, October 23, 2008

Song of life

Just take a look...just beautiful...

Life is good after all..

I feel happy, feel like myself after months. I hated the person I had become, crying over other people's pregnancies and babies.... Today is 8DPO, and i have no symptoms...but funnily enough, am not upset at all! I have actually decided to enjoy the journey...yeah its a tough journey. but once i do get tht BFP, i wont get to experience this stage again..everything happens for a reason, so my life right now is like thriller..."what happens next" lets just wait and see.....

well, hope i can maintain this state of mind...

JUst got myself a health insurance and a pension plan...i can finally retire at 45! good news eh?

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

How many months?

We started trying in June 2007..i was half hearted to start with, but with each passing month, we realized that something just wasn't right, and today, 17 months later and a multitude of tests later, we none the wiser. We are in perfect health, me 29, hubby 28... I make perfect eggs an his swimmers are as healthy as they get.... we had a monitored cycle this month, and it just told us what we already knew, WE ARE FINE!!! so may be its just destiny.


Today is 7 DPO, and i all ready feel PMS symptoms... dont know what to feel...AF is due 2nd Nov, but am expecting it on 29th OCT (14DPO)...

The Story So Far....

As an 18 year old, my ultimate dream was to own a house, a car, adopt a child and live happily ever after. I was not interested in getting married, and although I dated on and off, nothing serious ever came out of fit.

This aversion to marriage was actually due to a deep seated fear of pregnancy and giving birth, and this fear took a vice like grip on my psyche after the birth of my nephew in 2005. My sister was in a 12 hour labour and I was there with her through the night…After that experience I vowed that I will never have a baby….My views did not change even after my marriage in 2006.. Remember the saying “Careful what you wish for, it just might come true?”
In April 2007, I had a Chemical Pregnancy*. Although we were not trying for a baby and I was officially pregnant for just a week, that one week changed me completely….I felt like a mother and fell in love with that feeling… and thats when our TTC story started...June 2007...

Isn’t it ironic? When people don’t want a baby, they seem to conceive in a jiffy and when a baby is really craved for, it becomes an issue of dealing with your stress levels, charting, and timing it just right!
My (ex) doctor started talking about Assisted Conception* in the 2nd month itself. But I and my husband are healthy, are we not? All our tests came out positive, then why did I need assistance? This got her started on her favourite topic “the stress in our lives today….” Needless to say I dropped her and found another doctor who seemed more interested in me than in my money…

I also found numerous online forums and learnt a new language altogether. Figure this *“ We have been TTC for *** months now. I have been regularly charting my cycle and O’ing on time. Each month I hope for a BFP but AF seems to have fallen in love with me, and cant stay away from me even for a month” Sounds Greek? Wait till you start trying for a baby!
People say that I should not stress about it, that stress makes it difficult to conceive. But how can one not stress?

First society creates the pressure to get married, and then to have a baby. Is this because it is unlikely that a couple will separate once they have a child? One of my ‘wise’ friends enlightened me to this fact, and it does make some sense honestly…..
Nowadays, everyone I meet asks me the same question “Any good news?” or literally orders me “We want a baby this year!” OH MY GOD! My time is running out. I better grab my husband, leave my job, lock my room and try to have that baby!
Ok, so where are the people who were asking me not to stress? Can they please ask people around me to stop obsessing about my baby first and give me some breathing space?
Trying for a baby IS stressful. Each month I hope for a missed period, but each month it arrives like clock work, and at least for two days after that I am filled with intense sadness…Has the wish I made in utter ignorance come true?
And to make matters worse, everyone I know seem to be pregnant. It feels like a universal conspiracy!

When a couple is trying, the time they spend together tends to become mechanical. Here is a sample conversation “Oh! I think I am ovulating, its time to get to work” What ever happened to spontaneity and romance? And here I do not talk about people who are fortunate enough to have conceived within a month or 2 of trying……
Started Letrozole in Oct 2008, 2 cycles, no BFP yet... I ovulate naturally but I am willing to try anything right now.... Next month we are off to get my tubes checked.....
Hope to get a BFP soon!!

* A CHEMICAL PREGNANCY refers to pregnancy loss very early on. In a chemical pregnancy, it is thought that an egg is fertilized but fails to implant. As a result, your body does not begin to produce the obvious signs of pregnancy. Because a chemical pregnancy occurs so early in a pregnancy, most women never even realize they are pregnant. When they receive their period, they just assume they were a few days late.
*Assisted Conception: The use of medical techniques, such as drug therapy, artificial insemination, or in vitro fertilization, to enhance fertility.
* We have been Trying To Conceive for the last five months now. Charting my cycle and Ovulating on time. Each month I hope for a Big Fat Positive (positive line in a pregnancy test) but Aunt Flow (periods) seems to have fallen in love with me, and can’t stay away from.

Monday, October 20, 2008

My Little Bean...

I saw my egg..yupieeee...was amazing to just see it...the smile on my face would have prompted people to think that i was pregnant.. but what do they know of the relief of knowing that your body is normal :) maybe this is the month? fingers crossed... i O on day 13. BD on day 9, 11, 12, 13, 14... so seems like we had it covered... not thinking ahead of time but well u know hard it is... :)

The bean was 24mm on CD12, good aint it? :)

What Nobody Told You About Trying to Conceive...

That unprotected sex doesn't necessarily lead to pregnancy.That your sex life would start to resemble a science experiment.That you would see your OBGYN/RE more often than your DH at O time.That the longer you TTC, the more PG women spring up around you.That deep down inside, I can be a very jealous person.That one day you wouldn't mind checking your CM or CP to see if it is your fertile period.That I should have gone to medical school like my mom wanted, because I've had to do so much medical research by now just to figure out what was wrong with me, I might as well be an M.D.That I would know more about the female reproductive system and menstrual cycle than most of the doctors I go to.That living your life in 2 week increments would be the normThat you never knew how much you wanted to see those 2 pink lines......until only one shows up every monthThat simply relaxing will NOT get you pregnant. (your dh has to do some work too)That you have no control over some of the goals you set...That wishing really hard for something doesn't make it happen, and staring at your chart doesn't make it change!That one day my DH would know so much about how my uterus functions and what it looks like from the inside (thanks HSGs).That a pregnancy doesn't always equal a baby.That miscarriage is so common.That I would wish we had started TTC earlier.That my friends' pregnancies would start to make me sad instead of happy.

That I wasted ALOT of money on Birth control pills!!That it would help bring a group of wonderful, caring, funny, empathetic women together like this.That I would EVER be willing to stick a little blue pill up my hoo-haa (estrace pill...done vaginally),That I'd EVER be willing to stab myself in the stomach or @ss every day in the hopes that it will help get me PG.That it wouldn't happen the first time you didn't use birth control like we were led to believe in school.That you wouldn't know how important a baby was to you until it took so long and you realized what you were willing to go through to make it happen.That family would act like getting pregnant was a competition between all the young couples in the family, and the first one to get pg "wins".That my DH is the most wonderful and caring man!That it is insensitive to ask people when they are having a baby!Tat women who do get pregnant are so very blessed!That I could have been rich saving money on condoms, which were obviously unecessary.That I would be happy to see abundant cervial fluid and tell my DH about it.

That other people's "good news" of pregnancy makes me sad and when they tell me they have good news, I hope that they just saved a bunch of money on car insurance by switching to Geico.That medicine and procedures are not a sure fire way to get pregnant but it is a sure fire way to lose money fast.That had I bought stock in Clearblue Easy I'd have my mansion on St. Pete's Beach in FL by now.That docs should prescribe Zoloft with Clomid.That having flo show up makes you cry, no matter who's bathroom you are in.That it does not get easier, each cycle is harder than the last.Feeling like you wish your life away in 2 week increments.That I wouldn't want to hold or see someone's baby because it just hurts way too much.That a group of "strangers" who I will probably never meet, have now become my "best friends" when it comes to ttc.That I would splash urine on my face while taking apart an hpt in the hopes there really was a 2nd pink line hiding in it.That talking about sex with fellow TTCers would be so easy.That infertility is more common than you think.That DH would get used to doing his 'thing' in a jar.That one day all of this will make us stronger.