Tuesday, November 1, 2011

The story of the bitter infertile and her fertile friend

I, obviously, am the bitter infertile in this story. My friend N and I have been friends for over 17 years. N got married in February 2008 and got her BFP in April. I was 14-15 weeks along at that time. The news of her pregnancy was not tough on me, as I had my own miracle baby growing inside me. I was a little confused on how some people have it so easy? But otherwise, we went through our pregnancy together, and it was fun to have someone to share each and every aspect of this wonderful experience. Danny was born on 16th Sept at 37 weeks. N's son was born on 12th Dec at 39 weeks. There was a sense of competition straight away. Who is cuter? Who s the better mom? N actually asked my as to how Danny was so fair given that M is dark? and kept saying that her son should have been fairer given that both N and her DH are fair. I too, kept comparing our sons and how and when they met their milestones.

I started feeling a distance between us. She did not approve of My style of parenting. N's son still does not sleep through the night and asks to be breastfed at least 2-3 times a night. She posted on FB about this and asked what she should do. I replied wit what I had done - controlled CIO. and she replied "I am not that kind of a mom. I cant see my son crying". That really hurt me. and then when I met her in May this year she commented "Oh! Danny whines so much" Yes, Danny is a cry baby. he cries More than other kids but who likes to hear their friend say that in front of 10 other people?

And then it happened. I called N last week and she said "I have some news" I immediately blurted out "You are pregnant". and yes she is! She is 9 weeks along and had no idea she was pregnant. They were not trying and were not sure they wanted to continue the pregnancy. I swear I didn't expect the way I felt. I felt the same gut wrenching pain I used to feel earlier in the IF journey. I said "I am so jealous" She said why? You are adopting. She is absolutely right obviously. I am not even TTC (officially). I know my daughter will be here in a year or so. Yet, I felt that pain that I cannot even describe. It was so unreasonable. I just do not understand how people get pregnant *Just*Like*That!

I talked myself out of that pain somehow. I hugged danny, and thanked the universe for my little miracle. I know I needed to support N. So called her again yesterday. She has decided to continue with the pregnancy. I was 100% with her. and the she said "but why are you adopting? Why don't you to BD and it will be fun to pregnant together again." I lost it then.  am not proud of it. I almost shouted "BECAUSE I CANNOT GT PREGNANT just like that. You think we haven't had unprotected sex these 2 years? It doesn't happen so easily to me." I guess I should have expected her response. I am not the only person who has trouble conceiving. But nobody else it seems cribs the way I do.

I should simply shut up about this infertility shit. That's what N said. I obviously have no right to feel pain and talk about it wit my friend of 17 years.

I no longer feel we are friends. It feel so sad but it feels like all we have in common now is our past. It hurts me. Would it have been the same without IF? Has infertility really made me so bitter and cynical?