Wednesday, December 31, 2008
I want this pain to go away. Please tell me I can't have a baby so I can stop dreaming of one and move on with my life. Dr Brian Weiss says that we choose the life to learn what we need to learn and move on spiritually. What am I learning here? Maybe, the question to ask is, What do I need to learn..
1. Learn to be happy for others
3. Learn to have hope
... Am trying to hold onto my sanity here. So here is my new year resolution. I will get the real Chhandita back. I again will be the Sunshine girl (the nickname my friends gave me). I will again look at the new sun and feel hope. I will learn to dream again. I will laugh till I have tears in my eye. I will make others smile. 2009. Baby or no baby, I will reclaim my soul. I will not ALLOW IF to destroy me.
Yes, I will be Me again! best of luck to me.
Only a night from old to new!
Only a night, and so much wrought!
The Old Year's heart all weary grew,
But said: "The New Year rest has brought
The Old Year's hopes its heart laid down,
As in a grave; but trusting, said:"
The blossoms of the New Year's crown
Bloom from the ashes of the dead.
"The Old Year's heart was full of greed;
With selfishness it longed and ached,
And cried: "I have not half I need.
My thirst is bitter and unslaked.
But to the New Year's generous hand
All gifts in plenty shall return;
True love it shall understand;
By all y failures it shall learn.
I have been reckless; it shall be
Quiet and calm and pure of life.
I was a slave; it shall go free,
And find sweet pace where I leave strife."
Only a night from old to new!
Never a night such changes brought.
The Old Year had its work to do;
No New Year miracles are wrought.
Always a night from old to new!
Night and the healing balm of sleep!
Each morn is New Year's morn come true,
Morn of a festival to keep.
All nights are sacnavy nights to make
Confession and resolve and prayer;
All days are sacnavy days to wake
New gladness in the sunny air.
Only a night from old to new;
Only a sleep from night to morn.
The new is but the old come true;
Each sunrise sees a new year born.
- Helen Hunt Jackson
Tuesday, December 30, 2008
Monday, December 29, 2008
I was a child again. Playing in the water and refusing to come out...making sand castles, playing beach volleyball... pretending to swim like a frog in knee deep water... I did not want to come back to the reality of everyday life... Our cottage was about 150 mts from the sea, and it was just amazing to go to sleep with the sound of the waves to give us company... No traffic and no villages! The nearest village was 9 kms away. Suryalanka is a rarity. It is still undiscovered and there is only one place to stay and that is the APTDC resort which has 12 cottages.
Tucked away, far from the maddening crowd, i rediscovered a part of me. For Three days, all I did was soak in the beauty of the sea and the beauty of life. On 26th, I was reminded of the Tsunami and felt a sense of awe at the immense power nature holds over us. No matter how much we achieve, nature has the power to tilt the balance in one powerful blow. I was reminded of how precious and fickle life is. Here I was on the 26th of December; exactly 4 years after Tsunami hit us. And as i stepped into the water that day, i said a silent prayer. For all those people who lost their lives and a prayer of respect for the sea, who is kind and all giving, who feeds a multitude but who is also capable of such devastation.
We had made a conscious decision not to spend too much time behind the camera and miss the beauty of the moment. So we have very few photographs, which i will post soon. We had also switched off our cell phones and worked HARD to stay away from the TV. That was easier said than done! What with a Boxing Day test match between Australia and South Africa looming large... Thankfully I enjoy cricket as much as Mallik!
Mallik ate tonsss of seafood. I think he was just trying to take in as much meat as possible before his one year of no-meat pledge comes into force from the 1st of January. I, on the other hand, didn’t have many options to start with, the tragedy of being a vegetarian!
My favorite moment of the trip was when we were taking a walk early in the morning. The beach was foggy and we could hear the sea..There was a slight chill in the air. Mallik suddenly asked me to wait and went away into the fog. Only to return a few minutes later with 2 steaming cups of tea!. It was just amazing to sit on the beach, with noone around, sipping hot tea...Amazing...
I also loved the evenings..the wind was nice and cool. ANd we were having our dinner just a few steps away from the sea. Yeah, I am in love with that place :)
I had promised myself a weekend away from IF but to be honest I was not successful. IF is a part of my reality now, and i cannot escape it. Fortunately, the emotions were not overwhelming, and I was actually able to watch a family with their little infant without feeling jealous or tearing up. I was happy that I got to spend time with Mallik, and most importantly, with myself. With a baby this wouldn’t have been possible (yeah i gave myself plenty of pep up talk).
We went to an old Temple in the tiny town f Bapatla (9kms from Suryalanka). The temple was constructed before 600 AD ! Thats pretty ancient if you ask me.
I love history, and sitting in that temple, I could imagine and feel the faith of the people who visited this place hundreds of years ago. Mallik is pretty religious (I believe in NO religion, and no Idol worship) and he did some kind of a puja at the temple. Later he told me, that it was for a baby. He has even promised god that if we have a son, he will add the word Bhavya to his name. ‘Bhavya Augustya’..hmm I can live with that. Mallik actually wants a girl, but has finally reached a phase when a child of any gender would do! It was sweet actually. We also went to a Durga Temple in Vijaywada, were I was again blessed with the promise of a son.. he he he.
The reality of life hit when I reached back home. All the silly home politics, the pollution of this city, the traffic....and PMS! Yup, am in the middle of a nasty phase of PMS. AF is due on the first, and i have almost zilch hope of having gotten preggo this time. Maybe that’s why I drank so much on this trip!
There is so much to share, but I have so much work to catch up to! Anyhow, the rest may be TMI ;)
We have decided to go ahead with the adoption procedure this January. I don’t know if we are even eligible to adopt. From the research I have done, it seems like you need to be married for 3 years. WE complete 3 years in Feb 2009. And Mallik is very particular that we only adopt a girl!
We will continue to try and have a baby naturally. Fingers crossed for a great 2009...
Tuesday, December 23, 2008
Mallik and I are off for our mini four day vacation tomorrow. Will post pics when i come back. We really really need this break...We haven't spend a single weekend together in the last month... I have been really down in the dump and now need time to rejuvenate... what better than some sea, sand and a beach side cottage?
I need advice. We are planning to go to the adoption agency in the first week of January. Is it too soon? That's what the doctor says. But I will be 30 in March, and it may take up to 2 years for the adoption to come through...If I conceive in between that, perfect....does that sound okay? I feel like a amateur at this IF business at times. Something like a fake. I mean i have seen amazing women who have been trying for 7, and even 10 years!!! But I don't think I can take this for too long... I am just exhausted...
So Merry Christmas to all of you and lots of baby dust.... Am gonna try and forget about IF for a few days..
PS: I just read Jewel's blog and she had mentioned about "what is one or are some of the worst things people have said to you during your infertility and/or loss journey?" Well I just had to mention about what happened in my office yesterday. One of my colleagues was having a bay and we were tracking the situation with hourly calls. One of my other colleagues told me that this particular hospital allows husbands to accompany their wives inside the labour room. Now that's pretty rare in India...
So I got all excited and said that when I have a baby I will go to this hospital. And what did my colleague say to that? " Get pregnant first". This person knows that I am trying...and struggling..so I am not allowed to even dream now?
Monday, December 22, 2008
But then in early April 2007 an accidental unprotected romp in the hay resulted in a BFP on 16th April. Yeah I remember the dates...
I was excited and terrified at the same time. Excited because the BFP meant I COULD fall pregnant, and terrified because we were not ready to have a child. I went to the doctor who gave me progesterone and asked us to wait as I had tested really early (14DPO) and the line was really faint. The next 10 days changed my life. Mallik wasn’t sure about continuing and I was always weepy...but I started feeling like a mother. I felt like protecting the tiny flame of life that was struggling inside me... On the 27th of April I started bleeding... I cried like I had never cried before. I knew I had lost my baby. Was it a chemical pregnancy? That’s what I thought at that time. Now am not sure.. .
Aaryana, that’s the name I had thought for her. Did she leave because she felt so unwelcome in my body? I had joined a gym on 1st April...so when the life was trying to take hold inside my womb I was working out like crazy.. I did stop after I got the BFP. Was that why I lost the baby? I have never stepped inside the gym after that...I feel so guilty. For all the negative energy I gave Aaryana, each time we discussed abortion, my going to the gym...We have been trying since then (June 200) and with each passing month the feeling that Aaryana will never ever come back is becoming stronger..
I know I can adopt, I anyhow had planned to have one biological child and one adopted...but I still cannot get rid of the feelings of guilt. Mallik asked me yesterday about my cycle day...when I told him it was CD20 he said “oh we missed the egg this month” The look of complete sadness on his face broke my heart. I know it’s not my fault but I still can’t forgive myself....
We have been diagnosed with 'UNEXPLAINED INFERTILITY' i wish I HAD a problem. At least then I could have looked for a cure... All I hear now is "have patience"
Wednesday, December 17, 2008
"He lived a life of unfulfilled dreams. Was he just unlucky? Or was it all he could do? Maybe, in life we should just accept that some of us are not meant to scale the heights of greatness. But accepting ones mediocrity is tough. Life then seems so meaningless. Was that what made him what he was? Bitter?
Who was this man? A man who lived an ordinary life and died an ordinary death.
His life began in the hazy backwaters of Bangladesh. We don’t know much of his life, so may just create one for him. But that will biased wont it? Colored by our eyes, and how we saw him much later in life. Who was he as a child? What were his dreams? What did he think when he watched the waves of the Bay of Bengal? Is it ever possible to peak inside the mind of another and dig out their deepest thoughts? Is it even possible to dig out the thoughts we ourselves had years ago? Are not our memories colored by today’s reality?
So yes, we'll just create a life for him. A life we think he should have had. We can listen to people around him as they describe him, but can they ever describe his thoughts? How can we do justice to him? How can we remain true to his memories, when he is not even here to defend them? Do we have the right to just barge into another’s life? Even if he is my own father?
Did he think those waves to be beautiful, and lost in the beauty of the moment, or were his thoughts busy with thoughts as mundane as the next meal.
We will never really know. But why do I want to unravel a life that lies deep within the memories of so very few. Why do I want to disturb the peace that now surrounds his memory?
There are so many life stories that deserve to be told, tales of heroism, tales which makes life more meaningful, so why His life? Is it because he was m father? But I hardly even remember him now. His face is just another photograph, his memories hide behind the mist that is time. So why?
Maybe because he deserves it. Like everyone else, his life has to make some sense. His life too deserves to be vindicated. If only to make us feel that yes all life is sacred.
So don’t question if the words that will follow are true or not. Just think of a man who lived unfulfilled dreams and now deserves a voice, after the stillness of death..."
PS: While coming to work today, i was scanning the faces of the people around me to find a few happy faces. Could find none. Is happiness so scarce? Then suddenly I saw a smiling face...someone who was happy, from inside...It was a woman, talking to her young son....
Lets not infect the world with our unhappiness, lets spread a little cheer...SMILE.. :)
Tuesday, December 16, 2008
But or the first time in my TTC journey I am not feeling alone. Maybe it's because I have finally discovered women like me out here on the Blogosphere and its such an amazing feeling to be made a part of this family. I don't find many IF women from India here though...But that hasn't really made a difference...
I am actually happy... :)
Monday, December 15, 2008
The weekend was Okay. Mallik was busy with his studies so I had another week to myself. Was I lonely? Yes, definitely. But I had so much to do. Cleaning the house, cooking, office work...the days just passed. Was I lonely? Yes I was. It’s not enough to be busy. I crave an intelligent conversation. I crave the days of laughter and tears that I can only get with friends. I have an amazing husband, but he does have his own life. I left my family, friends, and my city, everything for this one guy I met on the Internet. Did I love him so much that I left so much of myself behind in Delhi? I guess I did, otherwise I wouldn’t have stuck it out with him for almost three years now! But my love for him, or my happiness with this marriage does not change the fact that I need my own social circle. Problem is that I am very eccentric person. Very, very friendly, but cannot make a friend with whom I can stick for long. I just get bored! But hey, I have my books J and I have my dreams... I will again learn to enjoy my own company...
Ok, there is this one incident I want to crib about. My mother in law came over the weekend (Saturday afternoon). She stays with my SIL. Why?
Mallik’s grandmother and brother stay with us. I do the best I can for this family, whatever I can do without giving up on who I am. I am not perfect and am sure made mistakes. But in any case, MIL no longer stays with us and I can’t say I am complaining.
On Saturday she came and I was cordial with her (am NOT friendly with her anymore). On Sunday she started cleaning our house. I WAS angry. I have been taking care of this house for the last 2 years without any help. She wasn’t there when Mallik was ill or when I was ill. When we had no money to buy medicine even and had to use our credit cards. She WAS NOT there. And now, she decides to be nice. I was not ready to budge. I simply went up to her and asked her to relax when she comes to our home and that I will do the cleaning. She said it’s not a problem and continued. I let it pass.
After Mallik left to study with his friends, granny called me and asked me to give a saree and some bangles to our watchman’s wife, Chandra. I felt good actually. Than MIL asked Chandra, to give me ashirwad (bless me), pray for a son for me. I was almost in tears. If I had known this is what they were trying I would have said no to all this nonsense. In the evening again, granny started grumbling about me not having a baby. I joked about it but she was serious. Later, a neighbour of mine (the closest I have to a friend. She is infertile too. That’s enough to bring us close) came to visit me. MIL was all nice to her and then asked her “when are you planning to have a baby”. I was so upset, but that’s not the end. She went on to tell my friend to ask me to start PLANNING.
I lost it at that moment. I didn’t want to start an argument without Mallik around so waited for him. Once he came and I told him about all this, he just snapped. He blasted his mom and granny. Said don’t u dare talk to my wife like this ever again. They are scared of him, so it worked..for now....
I really need a break from all this...
PS: I forgot to add. MIL told another Neighbour (who is also close to me), that she is planning to move back with us once I have a baby..hmmmm.
To be posted VERY LOW on the refrigerator door - (pet nose height).
Dear CATS & DOGS: The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish. Nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.
The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help, because I fall faster than you can run.
I cannot buy anything bigger than a king- sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm..
For the last time, there is no secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years - canine or feline attendance is not required.
The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough!
To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following message on our front door:To All Non-Pet Owners Who Visit & Like to Complain About Our Pets:
1. They live here. You don't.
2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. That's why they call it 'fur'niture.
3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
4. To you, they are an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.
Remember: Dogs and cats are better than kids because they:
1. Eat less.
2. Don't ask for money all the time.3
. Are easier to train.
4. Normally come when called.
5. Never ask to drive the car.
6. Don't hang out with drug-using friends.
7. Don't smoke or drink.
8. Don't have to buy the latest fashions.9
. Don't want to wear your clothes.
10. Don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and...
11. If they get pregnant, you can sell their children
Wednesday, December 10, 2008
Note: My Tubes are all Okay!
Monday, December 8, 2008
Sunday, December 7, 2008
Life is just passing by and I am left behind. ....
Wednesday, December 3, 2008
A young woman who was several months pregnant boarded a bus. When She noticed a young man smiling at her she began feeling humiliated on account of her condition. She changed her seat and he seemed more amused. Shemoved again and then on her third move he burst out laughing..................She had him arrested.
Then the case came before the court, the young man was asked why he acted in such a manner.>>His reply was: When the lady boarded the bus I couldn't help noticing she was pregnant. She sat under an advertisement, which read: 'Comin Soon: The Gold Dust Twins'. I was even more amused when she sat under a shaving advertisement, which read:'William's Stick Did The Trick'. Then I could not control myself any longer when on the third move she sat under an>advertisement, which read: 'Dunlop Rubber would have prevented this accident.'The case was dismissed.........!!!!!!
My sister and hubby don't want me to go through such painful procedures. But I need to. Its been 17 months now and I do think i deserve a few answers.
On a side note:
I don't know how I will deal with pregnancy and motherhood. Everyone around me says that I will make a good mom. But my arthritis scares me. Will I have energy? I feel drained out even now. Cleaning up the house, cooking, a full time job (for which i have to travel almost 3 hours everyday, and we CANNOT afford for me to stay at home), a husband who is studying law along with a full time job, my studies, a 10 year old brother-in-law who needs constant attention. Thank God hubby helps around the house. I feel guilty at times because I know he is working very hard for us. But I just cannot manage it all on my own.
Things I am looking forward to:
DRINKING - That bottle of wine has been calling me for days now. I can finally have a sip!
MASSAGE - I am taking Ayurvedic treatment for my arthritis, and the whole body massages are one of the main part of the treatment. I was unable to get a massage for the last 5 months (COSTLY), This month finally I can take my weekly massages. One word for them "HEAVEN"!!
OFFICE PARTY - I am part of a small team in office who are organize parties and team building events in office. Our New Year Eve bash is something I am really looking forward to.
VACATION- This is my favourite part. Hubby and I are going away for a 5 day vacation during the Xmas Hols. We really need this break. we are going to a sea resort called Surya Lanka.
Tuesday, December 2, 2008
Been waiting for you since 27th....I thought you were here, with all the pink pain you left behind, but then yo just disappeared.... Hey cruel you...you knew I would suspect Implantation bleeding..damn right I did..Hopes Hopes.... But a BFN today (CD31)...and NOW I see you have decided to grace me with your presence... Stop Playing with me YOU WITCH............. oops didn't want to get abusive, but you know all those hormones.....................
TTC Diary: The pain gets overwhelming at times..Like today.... I cried, and he held me...I needed his support today and feel lucky that he was there..no smart comments, no false hopes, just a strong shoulder to cry on.... Thanks Mallik...............I love you.....