Monday, December 22, 2008

Careful what you wish for...

It may just come true...Has the wish really come true? A wish made in complete ignorance? Mallik and I didn’t want a baby. We had decide that we would have a ‘no baby’ life.. my sister kept telling me not to wish for something like this, but I couldn't care less. In fact I had a gut feeling that even if we wanted we couldn’t have a baby. That’s the reason why I never was on BCPs. It was up to Mallik to prevent us getting pregnancy and he took his responsibility very seriously.

But then in early April 2007 an accidental unprotected romp in the hay resulted in a BFP on 16th April. Yeah I remember the dates...
I was excited and terrified at the same time. Excited because the BFP meant I COULD fall pregnant, and terrified because we were not ready to have a child. I went to the doctor who gave me progesterone and asked us to wait as I had tested really early (14DPO) and the line was really faint. The next 10 days changed my life. Mallik wasn’t sure about continuing and I was always weepy...but I started feeling like a mother. I felt like protecting the tiny flame of life that was struggling inside me... On the 27th of April I started bleeding... I cried like I had never cried before. I knew I had lost my baby. Was it a chemical pregnancy? That’s what I thought at that time. Now am not sure.. .

Aaryana, that’s the name I had thought for her. Did she leave because she felt so unwelcome in my body? I had joined a gym on 1st when the life was trying to take hold inside my womb I was working out like crazy.. I did stop after I got the BFP. Was that why I lost the baby? I have never stepped inside the gym after that...I feel so guilty. For all the negative energy I gave Aaryana, each time we discussed abortion, my going to the gym...We have been trying since then (June 200) and with each passing month the feeling that Aaryana will never ever come back is becoming stronger..

I know I can adopt, I anyhow had planned to have one biological child and one adopted...but I still cannot get rid of the feelings of guilt. Mallik asked me yesterday about my cycle day...when I told him it was CD20 he said “oh we missed the egg this month” The look of complete sadness on his face broke my heart. I know it’s not my fault but I still can’t forgive myself....

We have been diagnosed with 'UNEXPLAINED INFERTILITY' i wish I HAD a problem. At least then I could have looked for a cure... All I hear now is "have patience"


Heavy heart said... Best Blogger Tips

IF gives rise to crazy feelings of guilt..if only I had done this..or that..but look around you..there are so many who abuse alcohol and drugs who get is not us..or what we is something else..I wish I knew what it was but it sure isn't us. Take care.

Nikki said... Best Blogger Tips

Hugs to you Chhandita. No, Aaryana did not leave because she felt unwelcome, or because you wished at some point not to have a baby, or because of anything you did. She left because she was too precious to God to be left on this earth with us. The same way that my baby Aditi left, or her siblings left after her.

You didn't do anything wrong. There are people that DO wrong, but even then their babies are born healthy and fine.

IF sucks - and it's just not fair.