Sunday, November 29, 2009

The Unseen Life

Too many posts in day..maybe nobody is reading... I just read Nikki's blog and wanted to write down what I felt too...

How do you mourn the loss of something that didn’t even exist? How do you bid adieu to a soul who enriched your life, changes you forever—without even existing?In April 2007….The day had started like any. I had woken up happy and contended, a feeling that had been elusive these last few months. But finally everything was falling into place for me. After months of struggling with an inter-regional marriage, people around me seemed inclined to give me a chance. I was finally going for that long over due honeymoon… and I had that great job lined up…yes, life felt good that day.As I brushed my teeth, I had felt a sudden shrill pain on me lower abdomen. It was gone even before I realized it. “Well, its time” I had thought wearily. My periods were 2 days overdue, and I was never late. “What if…” I had left that thought unfinished, it was highly improbable; just one unprotected accident was unlikely to be the reason behind my late period.But as the thought lingered on. I had felt a slight thrill.. “What if..”“A penny for your thought” a smiling hubby had said as he watched me stand with that loony smile on my face. “Well, I think you better go and buy me that Home Pregnancy Test” I had told him with a naughty grin.I hadn’t expected him to be back within 30 minutes with the HPT. My hubby had been trying hard to be the good husband, but for him the HPT was nothing but another of my eccentric fancies.At 28, I was still a child. My hubby called me ‘my little woman’.“Should I do it”? I had asked excitedly, taken up with the idea of trying something new. Without even waiting for his response, I ran to the bathroom. I came out victoriously holding the test. “There I did it, If I was pregnant, there would have been another line right there” I pointed out to my hubby. “You mean that faint line”? “Which line”? I hurriedly took the test from his hand. The faint blue line was pretty evident now.“Oh Shit!” I felt the world blurring around me. Yes, I was pregnant.I had decided to wait for another day. There had been cases of false positive tests. I had been certain that I couldn’t possibly be pregnant. I was too young. I had been married for only 1 year.I was restless. I thought of my honeymoon plans. “Everything will be ruined”. I rued. Why? why now? Just when everything was falling into place. Finally when I could start enjoying my marriage. Why did this have to happen and rock my world?I had gone out and bought another test. The line was still faint, but it was there. As if the life in there was shouting “I EXIST”.My hubby had taken me to the doctor after coming back from office. The doctor told us that it was most likely that I was pregnant. But the line was too faint for anything to be certain. She had asked me to wait for a few days, to have patience.I sat with my hubby, numb. Nothing was discussed. It was obvious that we were not ready for the child.But something was happening to me. Unknown to me, a feeling of tenderness had crept in, tenderness for the life that was struggling inside my womb. Life that wanted to survive, that wanted see the green trees, the blue sky. “Maybe it will be a girl”, and maybe she too would like Elvis”. I sat dreaming, looking out of the window. Unconsciously touching my abdomen.Suddenly I realized! I was going to be a mother. My body had already accepted the fact. It was evident from the way I climbed the stairs, careful not to hurt my tummy. From the way I ate a little extra, as if already the life was seeking nurture from the world outside. Life suddenly took on new colours that I had never comprehended in all my 28 years on the planet.But my hubby went on with his life, oblivious to the fact that I was changing, that I no longer looked towards him for happiness. The doctor had asked us to come after 10 days. He was just counting the days, so I could pop that tablet, and this unwanted ‘worry’ could be put out of our minds. He was busy planning for our honeymoon…Seven days after the appearance of the faint blue line, as I stood in the kitchen, watching the milk boil over…dreaming of her “AAryana” that’s the name I had picked for her…suddenly I was engulfed with pain. A sudden throbbing pain shot through my abdomen. I clutched myself and ran to the bedroom. I tried to sleep. But the pain was so acute that I couldn’t sleep. I felt a sudden dread creep in. I went to the loo, and yes there it was, a drop of blood.I had struggled to go to bed, I sat there, without thoughts, without emotions…That’s how my hubby found me when he came back from office. “What happened sweetheart”? My hubby had asked worriedly.I had looked up at him, with that blank dead look. And then I burst out, hugging him tightly, I had let the tears flow… “The baby is gone, the baby is gone” I kept repeating….He had held me, feeling my pain but not understanding it.He had taken me to the doctor, where the doctor had told us in a very matter opf factly, fact way that this was an early miscarriage. 80% of the women go through this, In fact if we hadn’t gone for that HP Test, we would have just thought of it as a late period!But I knew. I knew it wasn’t just a late period. It was my baby.For days, I mourned the loss of ‘something that didn’t exist” for the world. In medical terms it was just a ‘false positive’, a fertilized egg that the uterus didn’t hold. How could I explain to anyone? Most people probably thought I was over it as no one asked me how I was doing, not even my best friends. Maybe they thought they shouldn’t bring it up. Most people thought that it wasn’t that far along so it shouldn’t be that big a deal. As if it shouldn’t hurt because I couldn’t feel it. No one else understands the emotional pain you go through months and months after a miscarriage. It feels like it will never go away. Not a day went by that I didn’t think about it what seems like a million times.This experience changed me, didnt let me enjoy my pregnancy, I was terrified throughout my pregnancy, no room for happiness thinking something could go wrong again.Things did get easier. It was an accident. We were not even ready for a baby at that time. Yet it hurt so badly when I lost the baby. Life goes on, but the fact is what I lost was also my baby, a baby I would never hold or see. ‘That life’ will never be a part of my life.

6 comments:

Cyndi W said... Best Blogger Tips

What a candid heartfelt post. Thanks for sharing your experience, I enjoyed reading about it very much. I am very sorry about your miscarriage, but so happy you have Beautiful Dan in your life now.

Cyndi W said... Best Blogger Tips

I'm also wondering if you took the chance and went away to the Conference you were talking about? Sorry I didn't comment on that post, I was not feeling well at the time. Cyndi

Anonymous said... Best Blogger Tips

Thanks for the informative information - I enjoyed reading it! I always enjoy this blog. :) Cheers, video clips of women giving birth

K said... Best Blogger Tips

Oh, I just happened by your blog and started reading. I just want to say that I know exactly how you feel. The same thing happened to me back in November. It's called a "chemical pregnancy". I also got a very faint second line on a HPT, then started my period about a week later. No one understands that to the mother the baby she lost is very real. I cried about it for a long time and no one seemed to understand why. I'm so sorry for your loss and glad you have a little baby boy now.

Pat said... Best Blogger Tips

I read your story with tears in my eyes. I felt your pain and your loss. Your baby did exist, although just for a short time, but it did exist inside you. Mourn for it but also rejoice because your baby is now in the arms of God in Heaven with the angels. As a Christian I believe that one day we will see our loved ones who have gone on before us. This bring us comfort while we grieve. I'll pray for you.

Julia Dutta said... Best Blogger Tips

I have read a hell of a lot of blogs in the last few years. I rate yours as only second to one of my other favourites - Yesu Garden.What a wonderful account. When I was in college, my friend got pregnant from unprotected sex and you know, we had to have an abortion done. I remember how she cried for days on end and the depression she fell into because she had to have that life go...
Its always hard. But in time, a new life comes and fills up those empty spaces...call that a magic boy Danny or in my friends case, her two boy, from her second live-in-partnership. Life is good:)