I have been gone from this place for a long time and this time, the absence was intentional. I needed this time away from blogland to heal. This place had become an obsession. The kind of stress I felt about each post, each comment - was no longer healthy. I would keep track of my followers and would analyze why others had more comments or readers.
There were nights when I couldn't sleep well, obsessing over who commented what, where and why! I saw bloggers, who I had started to think of as my friends, become close to others and form groups. I began to feel left out. It began to feel like a popularity contest. It felt like high school all over again. Only trouble is, I never was a part of the happening crowd in school, or in college. I could care less about what people thought about me, but suddenly it did matter.
It might have been a part of my battle with extreme anxiety and depression. But this blog, this community was no longer my safe haven. I had twisted it into something I lost sleep over. I had started living in this place. I had no life or friends IRL. I needed a break. I needed the break to reclaim my place in this world. I needed this break to discover MY unique voice again.
I hope to keep blogging regularly. But now I hope to stay true to myself. I never cared about being popular. I won't fall into that trap again. I want to live with my words. I want to find joy again with this beautiful language. I hope to find the sense of freedom, the sense of walking the path that was meant for me.
5 comments:
Glad you're back! It is so hard when there are actual numbers assigned to everything: followers, subscribers, number of comments. Over time, I've gotten less stressed about it, as I see that I do get enough comments to feel supported when I need it. It still bothers me sometimes, though. Last week I lost a follower who was one of my first blog friends and someone I initially thought I really clicked with. We haven't talked much in awhile, but it still stung.
Anyway, I hope you continue to write and update us on your life. I'm still sad I couldn't convince my sister to meet up with you when she went to Hyderabad (she's still living in Bangalore).
welcome back...I have not been on here as much as well.
I love this post. I completely understand your self imposed absence, but also selfishly glad it's over. How are you? ( I'll wait for future posts for you to tell us.)
Deborah: It does begin to feel feel bad when an old follower drops you. I am trying to reach a place when that doesnt bother me. I wish I could have met your sister too. Maybe sometime in the future?
Kelli: Thank you.
M: You know I am so freaking happy for you!!!!!
C people have 'dropped' me all the time.
They have their reasons, and some of them I really miss. But I know that what I have today really causes them a lot of ache, so I leave them be.
Glad to see you back.
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