Wednesday, February 23, 2011


I knew ‘God’ even before I understood the meaning of the word. The earliest memory I have is that of me sitting in the corner of our dusty garden, crying. The memories are foggy, but I do remember that I cried a lot. Maybe its my way of burying the bad memories. I cried because my parents always seemed to fight, I cried because time and again I was told how ugly I was. I had three beautiful elder sisters and even as a five year old I was made aware of the fact that I was an aberration. Every guest who visited us added a new cruel comment that sent me hiding, from the world, from myself.

But even then a small breeze would come floating in, engulf me and tell me how special I was. That breeze would make me feel like a princess. That breeze gave me strength dust my dirty dress, smile and go back to face the world. That breeze sometimes became a sweet song, when I hid in the dark corner of the cupboard. As I grew up, I realized that breeze was God, my God. God never made life easy for me, never took away the obstacles. God gave me courage to fight and grow. I never had to go to place of worship or follow a religion because I found God in my heart, in my soul. It was God who showed me that I did not need to be beautiful to be loved, and suddenly the world loved me-because I had learned to love myself.

God helped me look beyond the ugliness of this world. What was it, if not the strength of God that helped me to live a normal life after a so called uncle tried to molest me as a seven year old, and later when my sister’s boy friend tried to do the same?
I was never bitter. Even after my fiance of four years cheated on me, and the relation came to a heartbreaking end. I did not suddenly stop believing in men or love. And God gave me my soul mate. No matter what, I never lost my faith…even when my father died of cancer, when all my family was questioning God, I did not. The only time I questioned God was when I was TTC. The day I realized that I was losing that special song, that cool breeze, that God no longer spoke tome, I stopped TTC.

What I had was special and TTC almost destroyed that. I still have not heard God in a long time..but I fee his presence, and I know soon he will speak to me again…


Anonymous said... Best Blogger Tips

Beautifully written and powerful. I envy you that connection. It sounds awe-inspiring.

Tracy said... Best Blogger Tips

I love this post because it opens the notion that "God" isn't about a place, or a set of rules, but woven into the fabric of our unique existence.
The post you wrote about your husband taking the day off to be with you was interesting particularly when I read this one. Perhaps you could take a day off from "not hearing" just to listen for what is being said.

Jenni said... Best Blogger Tips

that connection with the divine sounds like a wonderful strength to have and to be able to draw from. I'm sorry that you almost lost it while TTC - it's a difficult journey fraught with perils we never see coming. I'm glad you made it out the other side with your connection still intact.

Jenni - ICLW #12

Anonymous said... Best Blogger Tips

Faith can be a powerful thing. And I like the way you say it... God is not a being but He is within me. Love it!

Stacey said... Best Blogger Tips

Very well written. I can certainly understand how TTC can ruin so many things. Its really so cruel, I wouldn't wish it upon anyone. I'm glad you made it through, and I hope you get your special connection back one day

a field of dreams said... Best Blogger Tips

Beautifully written. TTC was a defining moment in my life too - I found God again. So not only did I gain my son after 6 years of trying, but God entered my life too. I love what you have done with your header!

Stout Ranch said... Best Blogger Tips

I am so glad you are close enough to God to recognize when your faith started to slip. TTC is a hard road and can often pull us fruther from God rather than bind us closer to him.
BTW - you are not even close to sharing as much as the person I mentioned! She says things that only a spouse should hear (and sometimes not even then!) and has hundreds of FB friends that read it! Craziness!!
I was raised with a mash of Hindu, Buddhism and Christianity. I was wondering if you had any recommendations for books to continue my studies - they mostly ended 6 years ago when my Father and greatest teacher died...
Much joy,

Stout Ranch said... Best Blogger Tips

I have read the Tibetan Book of Dying - started it when my father passed; it was wonderful. I haven't heard of the other but will check it out. Thank you!
I don't believe a person needs religion if they have spirituality! Each person's individual spirituality and the way they connect with God and worship is different and personal. And ALWAYS a beautiful thing.
I love reading your posts, you always make me smile and make my day a little brighter!

We have Angel Wings said... Best Blogger Tips

I loved this post and I love how you felt the presence as a beautiful breeze.

I don't think that beauty is all about what you look like on the outside.. from reading your post you sound like a very beautiful, amazing, peaceful woman.

I hope you feel your beautiful breeze again soon.

ICLW #82

♥ T