I knew ‘God’ even before I understood the meaning of the word. The earliest memory I have is that of me sitting in the corner of our dusty garden, crying. The memories are foggy, but I do remember that I cried a lot. Maybe its my way of burying the bad memories. I cried because my parents always seemed to fight, I cried because time and again I was told how ugly I was. I had three beautiful elder sisters and even as a five year old I was made aware of the fact that I was an aberration. Every guest who visited us added a new cruel comment that sent me hiding, from the world, from myself.
But even then a small breeze would come floating in, engulf me and tell me how special I was. That breeze would make me feel like a princess. That breeze gave me strength dust my dirty dress, smile and go back to face the world. That breeze sometimes became a sweet song, when I hid in the dark corner of the cupboard. As I grew up, I realized that breeze was God, my God. God never made life easy for me, never took away the obstacles. God gave me courage to fight and grow. I never had to go to place of worship or follow a religion because I found God in my heart, in my soul. It was God who showed me that I did not need to be beautiful to be loved, and suddenly the world loved me-because I had learned to love myself.
God helped me look beyond the ugliness of this world. What was it, if not the strength of God that helped me to live a normal life after a so called uncle tried to molest me as a seven year old, and later when my sister’s boy friend tried to do the same?
I was never bitter. Even after my fiance of four years cheated on me, and the relation came to a heartbreaking end. I did not suddenly stop believing in men or love. And God gave me my soul mate. No matter what, I never lost my faith…even when my father died of cancer, when all my family was questioning God, I did not. The only time I questioned God was when I was TTC. The day I realized that I was losing that special song, that cool breeze, that God no longer spoke tome, I stopped TTC.
What I had was special and TTC almost destroyed that. I still have not heard God in a long time..but I fee his presence, and I know soon he will speak to me again…