Friday, February 27, 2009

Loneliness...

To start with, I went to the doctor today and she says everything is ok. She refused to do a scan saying I don't need it.

But I feel so lonely... In a city which is just so far away from everything I called home... I wish I could make friends, but I cannot... my husband is great, but is also fiercely independent, I CANNOT cling to him all the time can I? maybe he can spend more time with me, but he needs his time off. Every weekend i get a day with him, and his friends get a day. I am actually ok with it but what do I do when I feel so fucking lonely? I have been fighting it with all I have for the last 3 years. It is suffocating, for a person like me who just needs to talk, who just needs to be hugged at times... I feel all alone in this city... the language, the customs, everything is still so alien... why have I now been able to make it home yet? why does my heart still crave for Delhi?

I am sorry I am ranting, and in this self pity mode. Am not allowed to be weak ANYWHERE, this is the only place I can be weak and feel sorry for myself.

I don't feel loved, even when Mallik is around, which just too rare. He leaves home at 9am and comes back anytime between 11pm-1am (now that his exams are around, things are gonna much more difficult). On weekends, he goes to college Saturday morning, comes home at around 3 and then spends the day with me. Sunday is his day with his friends... I have tried talking to him...asked him to spend some more time with me... but this is one thing he needs in his life... if he is at home for too long, he feels suffocated and becomes pretty bitter. He never refuses me anything but this... and I ask him for nothing more then his time...

I am scared and lonely. I am having suicidal thoughts and I don't want to feel so negative...I just need ... a life....

4 comments:

margelina said... Best Blogger Tips

Hey (((big hugs)))
The first trimester is nothing but crazy hormones making you feel..well...crazy. Do something amazing for yourself, like a manicure or a massage if you can. Thinking of you!

mylifechronicles said... Best Blogger Tips

You have a precious little thing growing in you. And in no time, he/she will be in this world to give you all the joys that you have been waiting for. So hold on to the hormonal ride. I hope it gets easier as the days progress. ((HUGS))

Nikki said... Best Blogger Tips

Hugs to you Chhandita. I'm sorry you're feeling lonely, and I think it's not right. Have you told Mallik you are having suicidal thoughts? You got me worried here!

Listen - can you go to Delhi and spend time with your mom and brother and friends for a little while? Or maybe your mom can come stay with you for a bit?

I would be in constant depression if I had to live in Hyderabad, and if my DH was spending only half of Saturday with me! I agree with you that the language, customs, and just the people are so different there that it can be very difficult to adapt.

Hang in there - and remember, we're all here for you!

S said... Best Blogger Tips

hey...I hope this is just the hormones talking. you're not allowed to feel suicidal...ever!

you need to bitchslap him when he gets home. sunday needs to be the day for you. tell him to get his priorities straight, because when the baby comes you guys will have even less time than before!

I'm here if you ever need to talk. you're allowed to feel down in the dumps, btw!

hope you feel better xx