Loneliness...

To start with, I went to the doctor today and she says everything is ok. She refused to do a scan saying I don't need it.

But I feel so lonely... In a city which is just so far away from everything I called home... I wish I could make friends, but I cannot... my husband is great, but is also fiercely independent, I CANNOT cling to him all the time can I? maybe he can spend more time with me, but he needs his time off. Every weekend i get a day with him, and his friends get a day. I am actually ok with it but what do I do when I feel so fucking lonely? I have been fighting it with all I have for the last 3 years. It is suffocating, for a person like me who just needs to talk, who just needs to be hugged at times... I feel all alone in this city... the language, the customs, everything is still so alien... why have I now been able to make it home yet? why does my heart still crave for Delhi?

I am sorry I am ranting, and in this self pity mode. Am not allowed to be weak ANYWHERE, this is the only place I can be weak and feel sorry for myself.

I don't feel loved, even when Mallik is around, which just too rare. He leaves home at 9am and comes back anytime between 11pm-1am (now that his exams are around, things are gonna much more difficult). On weekends, he goes to college Saturday morning, comes home at around 3 and then spends the day with me. Sunday is his day with his friends... I have tried talking to him...asked him to spend some more time with me... but this is one thing he needs in his life... if he is at home for too long, he feels suffocated and becomes pretty bitter. He never refuses me anything but this... and I ask him for nothing more then his time...

I am scared and lonely. I am having suicidal thoughts and I don't want to feel so negative...I just need ... a life....

7w6d

Does this usually feel like this? I feel like am living somebody else’s life. My mind is all foggy and am just feeling like I Don’t know myself anymore!

I have some kinda nausea, not too much, but it’s an omnipresent presence now. I get dizzy at times, and mornings are especially horrible. I CANNOT stand the heat. And here in Hyderabad it’s already summer… Am super tired and still cannot eat much. But it’s better then before.

TMI: Am not sure, but I think I spotted yesday, and today too. Am not sure if its blood or the usual pregnancy discharge – it’s so light, I can hardly see it…Am thinking of going to the doctor tomorrow instead of waiting for Saturdays appointment.

Keep me and baby Dan in your prayers. I will update tomorrow.

Real Women have curves!

Am too lazy to type something fresh, so I reposting another old post, inspired again by Margelina :)

A lot is discussed about the problems faced by overweight women. I am still to come across an article discussing the problems faced by naturally thin women. Naturally thin women …They do exist!! They do face discrimination, and life is as tough for them as it is for an overweight woman…. Today, people from all over the world want to ban skinny models. Now skinny is OUT. When was it ever IN? Oprah Winfrey went as far as to say that ‘Real women have curves”! Well, then I am not much of a woman!! I am 5'2 and Weigh about 105 pounds. Skinny? Yeah, that I am, super skinny—But Anorexic? NO!!!!!...Not all skinny girls/women are anorexic, or suffer from some eating disorder. And they are real women too! But who is going to listen. I have always been skinny, tried everything under the sun to put on weight. All those high calorie diets, visits to the doctor, working out in the gym, even taking birth control pills with a non-existent sex life!! Nothing worked. I was 85 pounds for at least 10 years. No fluctuations. My weight just refused to move.

I tried hard to accept myself, to make peace with my body, but the whole world seemed more worried about my weight. I had strangers coming up and asking me to eat something. I tried being polite and smile, I tried being rude and telling them to sod off. I actually came up with witty remarks to get at them. Once when a filled out Punjabi aunty (In Delhi), sitting besides me in the bus, remarked “why are you so thin beta, don’t you eat anything?” I replied, with my best poor me look “ No, Aunty, my mother refuses to feed me, can I come and eat at your place”. I know it was rude of me, but I do run out of patience. I still get those comments, so I m learning to just ignore them. I am 28 now, and I look 18-20. I am pretty happy actually (who wants to look old huh?) I got married last year and have put on a little weight after that, but I have to put on like 15-20 pounds more before it shows on my body.

It’s not easy being skinny. People stare at me and make comments, which are plain and simply INSULTING. I am a happy, healthy 28-year-old woman. Though, people refuse to accept the healthy part. Once when I went for a blood test, the lab technician told me “Oh, you are anemic” poor man, couldn’t look me in the eye, while handing the report. A HB count of 12.8 is anything but anemic! I have a small built, and no matter how much weight I put on, I can never be voluptuous. Period. But I have faced such insulting situations that they have left a deep scar on my psyche. My boyfriend left me when I was 16 and told everyone “she is too skinny". I cried, I scratched my body. I hated myself. It took me years to even look myself in the mirror. In college, during one of my interviews, the first thing that the professor asked was "have you heard of anorexia?” It took immense self-control to stop the urge to stand up and slap him. Instead I calmly replied, "I don’t have anorexia, can we now go on with the interview?” For years, I have faced those scornful stares. Just because I don’t fit into that idea of what a woman should look like!! No matter how much I have achieved as a career woman, or as a sister, daughter or wife, I am still branded as that skinny girl.

We all want to feel beautiful -- fat or thin, short or tall, dark, or fair. Why can’t we just let people be? Why can’t we let people be happy and beautiful from inside? I just read a forum asking if guys just liked skinny girls. Why even ask? Guys will like what they have to like. We girls have to first like ourselves. My husband, my family, my friends love me not because I am pretty, or skinny. They love me because I am a fighter, a survivor. We are much more then our face or our body. We are people with our unique individuality.

I am not someone who will win a beauty pageant; but then, I am not someone who will win a noble prize for literature either… With or without curves, I am still special…. because I am me! In love with my skinny self.

Don't laugh!

you are pregnant...

Good News: MIL left on tuesday....

Bad News: Granny is still here. She is driving me mad. My patience, which generally is, well very patient, is running thin.

Yesterday was my anniversary, and i was playing some silly party games with my SIL and BIL, and generally laughing my ass off...suddenly granny calls my SIL and tells her to tell me not to laugh so loud, coz yeah am pregnant... fuck off mate! I just told me SIL to close my bedroom door and I continued laughing. I DONOT do what others tell me to do, its time this woman realizes that.

Today as i was helping my SIL (She is staying with me for 10 days, I simply love her. She is just 19!) get ready for a wedding, granny suddenly sees me taking out a new pair od slippers and ask "where are you going?"

I have never ever taken permission for going out, never asked her for permission for anything..does she think tht just because I am pregnant, i will somehow change? Do they feel that I owe them something? This is my pregnancy, this is my baby. They were never understanding when i was suffering from IF and suddenly grrrrrrrr.....

But m really not letting these women spoil it for me. Yesterday was a great day! Everybody I love, called to wish me. Even Nidhi, my best friend, who is in the middle of her honeymoon, called me at midnight to wish me! My friend suhasini sent me a bunch of roses all the way from bangalore...i felt loved :)

PS: I am having trouble eating. No M/s but i just dont want to eat... i need to eat coz am underweight... help?

STOP ME...before i kill someone!!

Damn damn damn...i am typing this again coz my PC decided to delete my previous post!!!

MIL is here for a week... and am ready to just kill all of them... there are now 4 OLD telugu ladies at home. All they do all day is gossip and watch all those devotional TV channels... CAN i have the TV for sometime WOMEN?

I hate my MIL... (who doesnt?) but generally I cope Ok, but right now m just stretched to my limit... (MIL doesnt know m pregnant)

Granny stays with us, and I manage her somehow... but she is such a 2 faced --- Before my pregnancy, she couldnt care less when I was ill, but now she is fawning over me!! Am I now right in feeling disgusted? and over that she doesnt even talk to me in front of MIL, so not to offend MIl!! Thankfully am not expected to smile and be happy...i hate her and it shows..

They talk so LOUDLY man....HELP, or am gonna end up killing all of them...

I miss my family, i miss my mom :-(

Sorry girls...but where else can I rant?

Ahem!

The u/s report says " Single, viable intrauterine pregnancy of 6w3d. Yolk Sac + Foetal Pole + Cardiac activity = positive."

ahem ahem...i saw the 'blob' as u call it....and i saw the heartbeat....WHOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA...it is really happening!!!!

But as i read in so many blogs, once an infertile, always an infertile. I still don't feel like one of THEM..guess never will... I am so happy to have you people and those who shared my IF journey with such compassion, to be a part of this new journey. But as of all the others- I still cringe when they try and show love and affection. I cannot accept them as part of my happiness....

Tomorrow

Ultrasound scheduled for tomorrow. I will be 6W3D by then. What to expect?

All my symptoms have all but disappeared and am just tired of surfing the net looking for possible answers...

Till tomorrow then...

Dont just Survive-LIVE!

This is old post which no one really read. But I just read Margelina's post about dreams and wanted to share...

Yesterday I was talking with (actually chatting) an old, dear friend. We were together in college and shared some really good moments together. Like me, she was not a person who made a dozen friends. We liked our cozy group, mad, whacky, and so in love with life. We had big dreams, and the one thing that really kept us together was our love for life and laughter. We loved to laugh, and to make others laugh. Nobody could understand the secret behind our-non stop laughter. They did not know our soul. We were simple people, bunking college to watch Dil Chahta Hai, taking off in the peak of summer to watch the Taj Mahal, traveling in a general compartment, filled with smelly people. But nothing could dampen our spirits. When all the other girls were busy preparing for their exams, we were munching on samosas and watching the rain. And lo behold, when the results came in, not only did we pass, but did so with flying colors (did some one say guardian angel?).

And the passion for filmmaking! That was our passion. When we had to make projects for our collage (studied media), we always ended up in the same team. Our first film. Well it was a 10 minute short project called “Only You”, about patriotism. Now when we watch it, all the jumps, nasty sound recording, and the tacky production splits me up. But at that time, it was our baby. When our lecturer asked what we would like to change about the film, we said in one voice “NOTHING”. Three years of pure bliss, romance, fun, dreams and above all laughter.

But time passes doesn’t it?We passed out of college. And ‘She disappeared’. No phone calls, no emails. She simply vanished from the face of the earth. The remaining members of the group hung on together. We fought our way through heartache, disillusionment, and depression. We tried to hold onto our dreams, but watched helplessly as they slipped through our fingers. But we did not give up on our dreams. So what if we couldn’t make films. It still could be our hobby, the one love, so we planned. Saving money, hiring cameras, making that dream film. That dream is still alive. One day, yes one day, we will do it.

Than she came back into our lives. My life mostly. It was like old times, we laughed. And than we went back to our lives. Today she is in Bangalore, working for a big bank. I am working as a freelance writer. All four of us live in 4 different cities. But I still have that love for life. I still have dreams. I still laugh till my stomach hurts. But she doesn’t. She says she has changed. She says if she becomes the girl she was, her partner wont accept it.Those are the words I read yesterday. And I cried. I cried for those lost days. I cried for the lost innocence. And I cried because people cant love us for the people we are.

I am still holding on. As I always say, I don’t just want to survive, I want to live. Don’t stop laughing, don’t lose your soul in the mad rush of ambition. Don’t give up on your dreams, no matter how impossible they maybe.Don’t Just Survive, LIVE!!!!!

Good News

Mallik just got a 50% salary hike!! am so happy..can't begin to tell you what this means to us :)

Also the folks at my office have asked me to serve to 2 month notice period from home :) so I lose nothing ...yeye

Friend

This post is for Nidhi-my best friend. We have been freinds for almost 20 years now. And today she is getting married..I won't be there and that breaks my heart..she needs me and I want to be there to just give her a hug..but she knows I cannot travel...we just spoke on phone and both of us were crying...all she wants is for me to have this baby....this baby...

God please let the baby grow, not only for e but for all those people who are praying for me...

I love you Nidhi...Am so so sorry

Back with a bang

Nausea is back, with its best friend M/s..... I finally feel the bean might just stick around...Ok Ok Dan..baby WILL stick!!!

You girls are just amazing man!! what would I do without you guys eh? So the due date is 8th October... I am allowing myself to look ahead now...

I am pretty convinced I am going to have a boy. Why? Well whenever I think about the bean, I see a little boy sitting on a tree (TREE? Don't ask man..I can not control my imagination!).

For the last 1 year 8 months, we tried everything possible to get this bean to settle in, but now when I think of that phase, I see this kiddo sitting with a naughty grin on his TREE (ufff)... saying " So you think am gonna come when YOU want? No way man, I will come when I want to grace you little people with my presence. With every failed cycle, he laughed a little louder. And now this last month, when we almost gave up, he said " ok now you guys are ready!"...

I think am gonna have my hands full with this one. He is gonne be one INDEPENDENT BRAT!

@ DAN if I do have a boy, I am calling him Dan, if a girl Danelle. You better send me your pics, I have to show the baby who S/he is named after!

PS: NOBODY told me it was going to be so tough...the nausea is mad as hell, I EXTREMELY tired...and just feeling BLAH...

I had my first set of blood work done. had to get my blood sugar tested as my mom has diabetes... Everything is OK...

One good thing-My arthritis symptoms have really subsided, thank God for that!

Am turning into a cranky bitch-and pretty demanding (generally am the least demanding person). But Mallik is being an angel. Yesterday I just told him I was having trouble shampooing my hair (Ok so I lied ;0) and he very willingly shampooed my hair. We also went out to do our anniversary shopping yesterday (Anniv is on the 18th). Na dhe bought me all over sized clothing he he he...

muaahhhw girls... just keep sending those positive vibes...

What's happening..

Cramps-getting worse
Nausea-Eased off
Doctor's prescription-Bed Rest

Result - Not looking too good.

Ignorance is bliss…

Today is one of those days when I really wish I was not so aware of everything to do with pregnancy. But I do..i know everything that can go wrong…Last time I got a BFP, I didn’t even reach this far…so I am completely in a new phase, but somehow I feel I know it all…All those hours of reading! I have an overload of information…

I got my BFP on the 4th evening, and I had put down my papers at work that very day! I had decided 15 days ago that I couldn't continue working at this office. It was stressing me out and just didn’t feel worth it. After my BFP I decided that I will not even serve my two month notice period. The first trimester is the most important. I just don’t want to take any risks. From April I may get a job (fingers crossed) that I can do from home. But this decision meant I lost 2 months salary…

I make more money than Mallik and I know this loss of salary will pinch us. I also send money home to my mother…I am so tired of being responsible. I wanted to able to be a little selfish and think of my little bean…I trying hard to shrug off this feeling of guilt and thing only about the life inside…The doctor had asked me specifically not to travel by autos (a mode of transport in India, which I use to go to work everyday) and I cannot afford taxi everyday.

So here I am..at home…trying to stay positive…Just give me two months…let me give my best to the dream we have had…Let me put my feet up and think of nothing but good things…let me not worry about money…give me strength….

PS: Thanks so much girls for your best wishes…I don’t know what we did different last month…I truly think it may have something to do with the energy card Dan sent me…Thanks Dan…and yes the baby is going to called Dan!!!

Update

The doc was reassuring. Things seem fine. So yes I am officially pregnant!..

Symptoms-Extreme fatigue, nausea, lower abdomenal and back ache, aversion to food...

Ultrasound scheduled for the 20th. 15 days to go.

I am living each day at a time......

Sinking in...

NOT!! Another HPT, same result... it is happening, but why do I feel no happiness yet...just pure dread?

Thanks for all your comments...You are the only ones other than Mallik who knows about this..

Nikki: My test lines as as dark as the ones i posted. Will post the pics as soon as I can. Its taking not more then 5 secs flat...Its coming up even before the other line comes up...

But where is the celebration I expected? Mallik and I both are being very careful not to get too excited. I have cramps and am off to my doc in an hour or so.

I am scared...

How did this happen?

AF always arrives the day i POAS. I was tired of AF being so late and all the PMS symptoms. So I POAS after coming back from work....This is not really my test, but you get the picture...


WTF??? I have bad cramps...feels like AF is round the corner...but its not is it? I am in shock..not happy...its not real right now...The test must have been defective (Mallik said that)...I don't know what to feel...Just knew I needed to share this with anybody who is reading...

Hide n Seek!!!

AF was due on the 31st. Today is 2nd...still nothing... If I didn't know better I would have got hopeful..but with just 3 days BD and that too during days which were far far from the fertile period..chances of me being pregnant are slim to say the least.

AF is generally really punctual, so am thinking that I may have ovulated late because I stopped taking Letrozole this month. Does that goof up your system? Any clues?