To take or not to take...

I have not taken any Folic Acid tablets this whole month! Isn't that a crime in TTC land? I just don't feel like popping them anymore. No baby is on the horizon or is it maybe I am trying to do something 'different' to tempt the Stork to visit us finally? oopps I have jinxed it now! Me and my big mouth...

A Few Good Men

Funny thing about my life is that it is dominated by women! I have three sisters and a number of girlfriends, but I share a special emotional bond with the men in my life. It is just one of those things. I just am closer to the men! So, this post is a thank you note to those few good men in my life. The men who made me what I am today! (it’s going to be a long post, sorry folks, but these guys do deserve this much)

Bapi: My father. He was the man with whom I spent the formative years of my life – the first 16. During the last one year of his life, he was nothing but a shadow, shadow of his former vivacious self. But he is the one who impacted my life the most. I not only inherited his biological looks but also a huge part of my soul. My love for animals, my passion for the written word, and my fascination with politics – all of it can be traced to my father. He is the one who showed me the path of being an extreme liberal. He died a painful death after a year of suffering. He had cancer. I still regret not having done enough for him but I know he forgives me.

I still feel him around me though, I talk to him all the time! I actually used to shout at him when I had to take care of the family immediately after college, I hated him for leaving us so early, for making life so tough… But that was just a phase. I loved that man. Loved him despite all his flaws.

Thank you Bapi, for making me, me!

Joy-My brother-My memory is hazy and foggy and I actually have difficulty remembering my past. Some people say it is a defense mechanism, that it helps me cope with all the ugliness of my the days gone by. But through the fog of time, one memory stands out vividly. I still can remember the day my brother was born, ! I was almost five years old. All of us were so happy, we had been praying for brother fervently. I always cherished him like a precious jewel. I recently rediscovered this ancient diary where one of the posts read “Nobody loves me here. I just want to run away. But Joy needs me. I will stay here and make joy into a big person then I will go away”

But it was after my father’s death that I kind of adopted Joy and the bond we shared became something much deeper. He was merely 11 years old and I felt a surge of responsibility towards him. My mother is a simple village woman, whose idea of motherhood is cooking and providing food. I don’t blame her. That’s the only way she knows how to be and she did the best she could. But what I lacked while growing up, I wanted my brother to have. I encouraged him to become the person we were unable to become. I tried to be his friend and his mother.

He used to tell me everything while in school, college and even when he started working. I felt like a proud mother when he won awards, and made it as the captain of his school cricket and soccer teams. I also felt tinge of sadness when I realized that he didn’t need me as much as he did earlier and he made friends, who meant more than me. But ultimately all I wanted was for him to be happy. All I wanted was for him to not go through the hardships we went through.

I don’t know when he grew up! Today he is 25 and I still remember when I used to carry him home in the evenings after playing and throw him around while playing WWF! Well, now he can pick me up with one hand!

I got married and moved to Hyderabad, 1600KMS from home and the person I missed the most was my brother. I missed the closeness we shared, I missed the understood we had with each other, I missed watching movies and listening to music together. We share the same interests in almost every thing under the sun and beyond...We can ctually read each other’s minds at times (thats a little scary). I sometimes think that my brother may be my soulmate. We still make it a point to talk with each other atleast 3-4 times a week.

Today he is struggling a little with his career and it makes me sad to think he is not at peace. I will do anything in my power to make sure he is happy, but I know I cannot walk his Karma. Fortunately, he knows I am here for him whenever he needs me.

The baby of my life, Joy, you will always remain my inspiration. You are the one who taught me to love without expecting anything in return. I expect nothing from, other than your own happiness.

Thank you.

Ayaan-My nephew-He is now three years old and the apple of everyone’s eye! I have 4 other nieces but I love Kaju (as we call him lovingly) like no other.

He was born to my favourite sister (unfortunately we no longer share that closeness, the distance has takes its toll), Iand I fell in love with him the moment he was born. I was in the hospital with my sister when she went into labour. Oh my God! That was actually one of the scariest experiences of my life! She was in a 12 hour labour and I didn’t know pain like that existed.

But the end product was worth it I say!

After marriage, I called home jfrequently ust to hear Kaju speak. He calls me Mumsum! And believe me, it’s the sweetest word in the world. The first sentence I heard him say was "I love you Mumsum". All you have to do is pretend to cry and he will rush and hug you and say "I love you Mumsum!" Sweet! Sweet! Sweet!

Once I knew Kaju, I knew I wanted to be a mum. I love this little man with an emotion which is almost primal! So much, that, when he was taken ill as a one year old and taken to the ICU, I was so worried that I was hurting physically. I was crying till he was released from the hospital.

IS that how you love your own child? Is there anyway else to love your own child? I somehow don’t think I will be able to love my child more than I love Kaju.

Joy says I am biased against my nieces. I guess I am, but I can’t help it. I just share some kind of a soul relation with this tiny bundle of happiness. Call me selfish if you will, it is just how it is.

I miss not sharing his growing up years, but I try to keep in touch. My sister calls me to tell me about his achievements. I knew when he took his first step, and I knew when he spoke his first words. I was with him when he went to his first school, where the teachers actually thought I was his mother! (that made me mighty happy)

Kaju, I know you won’t read this, but when you do – I want you to know this-“You are my baby. I may not have given birth to you, I may not be bringing you up, But I can kill for you” And let this be a warning for everybody who dare harm my guy!

Akhil-my brother in law-I actually inherited him after marriage! Akhil is my husband’s uncle’s son (distant relation) He lost his father even before he was born, and was having several anger related issues due to being neglected at home. When we got married, Mallik decided that Akhil (7 at that time) should come and stay with us. I was game for the idea and became what I call a “readymade mother”! This decision was fought by my mother in law who actually abused me for accepting a decision made by her son! Well that’s another post all together.

It’s been three years since I have lived with this guy , and today the change is there for all to see. He has changed into a well behaved young man of 10 and I have become used to being a mother. I don’t think I will feel a loss of freedom when my baby comes as I already spend my time with Akhil. We take him out 80% of time we go out. He has taken vacations with us and goes out with us for dinner regularly –just the way my own child would. We recently took him to a fair, and that’s when we realized that we had actually become parents. That trip was all about him! What he wanted to buy, what rides he wanted to take…

Mallik takes him to play soccer every morning. But there is one thing I am very strict about. That’s sending him to his mother’s house every weekend. He needs to develop a relation with her and she too needs to understand that that’s her son.

I have tried to be his friend and guide him through life the way I did with my brother. He listens to what I say. He is a little adamant when it comes to others. Mallik asked him why he can’t behave with other the way he behaves with me and he said “Bhabi (that’s me) never shouts at me. She gives me respect, so I give it back”. I have tried explaining this to others. Just because he is young doesn’t mean we don’t respect him. He is a different person, with his own unique personality. Unfortunately, Mallik’s family clearly discriminates against him and treats him like no child should be treated. But I fight for him like a mother hen and thankfully things changing. albeit, slowly.A few months back, Mallik’s family finally had something good to say about Akhil and that made me so proud...

Come on Akhil show them what you can be. I am here for you.

He is one reason why my life has been tolerable in this alien city, in a family where I still have really not been accepted as a family member. When I am ill nobody even bothers to call to ask how I am doing. Mallik’s grandmother ignores my arthritis and if her granddaughter as much as sneezes she throws a fit! But I have Akhil! He doesn’t allow me to work when I am ill. Rushes to the market to buy my medicine. Checks my temperature, even try to cook for me! I feel loved…I always feel that my family here is Mallik and Akhil...

He will go back to his mother’s in a couple of years, and I will feel the vacuum. But that’s part of the choice we made. I have never forgotten that his REAL mother needs him - She is suffering from emotional issues. My job is to make sure Akhil knows that his duty is towards his mother and I have seen the mature way he deals with his mom now. He sits and massages her feet even when doesnt want to, just to make her feel better...these small things will go a long way in getting them closer I hope.

Thank you Akhil, for making my married life easier.

Mallik-my husband-Way back on February 14th, 2005, I was heartbroken. I had just broken up with my fiancé after being together for four long years-after getting a call from his ‘girlfriend’. Yeah he had been cheating on me all through those four years.

I had taken a grip over my life and moved on and on 15th of July 2005 I had gone for a hypnotherapy session ( I love trying out new things). Now you may not agree this to be true and it may NOT be anything but a figment of my imagination but this did happen. While under hypnosis I was asked to contact my guardian angel. And I had felt a presence. I couldn’t see anyone but felt a presence.

I tried to talk to him but got no response, almost like I wasn’t ready for it. I finally asked him to give a message atleast and one sentence rang through my mind “you are not alone”. I started crying. Those were tears of joy because all through my life I have felt a sense of loneliness, even when I was with people I loved.

Exactly one week after this incident I ‘happened’ to be on a chat room I had never visited before, waiting for a friend in US to come online. That friend never turned up. The person who did turn up was a guy who became my husband less than seven months later! When I spoke to him for the first time over the phone, I felt the same presence I felt with my guardian angel. I DO believe he is my angel. Don’t ask for logic here please ;-)

This was destiny for sure! We met each other two times and the third time we met was during our wedding. People called it a risk. They asked me if I was sure it wasn’t a rebound relation. But I just ‘knew’ he was the one.

WE complete three years of married life on 18th Feb this year. It wasn’t all a bed of roses but the respect and love I felt for him three years ago has only increased. Believe me, it’s not easy to be with me! I am impulsive and aggressive. But he has the patience of a monk! He has stood by me when his mother decided to move away and live with her daughter.

But the thing I love the most about him is that he never tried to change me. Now believe me that’s a lot from an Indian guy! I still am the person I was. Even my friends and family are amazed as to how independent I still am! We are friends more than anything else. In fact he knows that nobody on Orkut knows that I am married, so he makes sure he doesn’t behave like my husband there!

This is a testimonial he wrote for me on Orkut
“The one amazing lady, that I’ve met in my life............ we've been through a lot together, I always thought ours as a give and take relation....... but in my heart of hearts i know it was you who always gave........ i wanted to say so many things to thank you for the unconditional love............ but all that come out of my heart is I LOVE YOU..........”

Tall Dark and Handsome. Yup thats Mallik.. whacky, down to earth, honest. Well...he is loved by ALL (my problem, too many people to share him with)...He is a great person. Innocent and naïve at times. I did’nt so much goodness could exist in a person. He will go out of his way to help another human, who means nothing to him..I am very proud of you Mallik. I must have done something good to have found you. My best friend, my soul mate!!!!!

Here is a song I dedicate to my husband..

You were my eyes when I couldn't see
You were my ears when I couldn't hear
You were my voice when I couldn't speak
You were my hope when I couldn't believe
You were my compass when I was lost
You were here No matter, when, how or why?

I was sinking and you saved me
I was crying and you stopped me
I was alone and you joined me
And no matter the pain I felt you made me happy

Our hearts beated as one
Our breaths were the same
Our love was equal
And we were the same ...
My Soul mate

Augustya-A dream-He is the son I dream of. I don’t know if Augustya will ever be a reality but even the love I have for this mere ‘thought’ is enough to drive me to tears. I dream of the clothes he will wear. I dream of the sports he will play…

We are adopting a baby girl, and I know that there is big chance that if and when we have a biological child it may be a girl. I do love Aaryana, but I also want Augustya! Is that selfish? If our TTC journey does not bear fruit then we will adopt- a baby boy.

How is it possible to love something that doesn’t even exist? I guess it is something only we girls TTC can understand.

Stuck!

Life is kinda stuck. Our adoption process has come to a grinding halt. Some of the documents we need are proving hard to procure. TTC journey is in a limbo too. We seem to have lost all energy to BD. TMI, but we BD only twice this month! I don’t know what’s wrong. Sex just doesn’t appeal anymore. IS it normal? Did you guys face anything like this? I need suggestions, girls....

Work is hectic and i am in the middle of an arthritis flare-up. All my joints are achy.

I just feel very, very exhausted...I do think I need to go to a doctor. I am not sleeping well at night and am feeling really unwell. Problem is that I am a hypochondriac and people generally don’t take me seriously, so I do tend to hide my ailments.

On a good note, Mallik told his grandmother about our adoption plans and she was surprisingly supportive! She did say that we should have one of our own too, but didn’t make any negative noise about adoption. I seriously didn’t expect that! So, am pretty happy about the acceptance our kid will get from Mallik’s family. And my family is super excited, there was never a problem from my family, they are super cool.

My Friend Dan is sending me some kind of a lucky charm from US. And am asking Nikki to lend me her lucky book ;-)
So that’s all from my end (not that people were waiting for my post with bated breath!). Till later...

ABC Game

I stole those game from Margelina, who stole i from Jen, who stole it from...you get the idea...

A. Attached or single? Blissfully Married!

B. Best friend? My husband!

C. Cake or pie? Cake!!!

D. Dog or cat? Dogs...Got 3 dogs at home, all of them mongrels.

E. Essential item? My Glasses..cant see without them!

F. Favorite color? Red

G. Gummy bears or worms? Neither

H. Hometown? Delhi

I. Favorite indulgence? Buying as many books as I want to

J. January or July? January, New year, New hopes

K. Kids? 6, My brother, my BIL and my husband! and 3 fur babies-Tipsy, Junior and Balu

L. Life isn’t complete without? My Family

M.Marriage date? Feb 18, 2006

N. Number of brothers and sisters? 3 older sisters and 1 younger brother

O. Oranges or apples? Oranges
P. Phobias? Scared shit of Lizards!

Q. Quote? God has a plan for my life, and that's all I need to know.

R. Reasons to smile? The little things - an innocent smile, the first rain, the green trees, dogs...

S. Season of choice? Winter

T. Travel dreams? Want to visit Egypt, Paris, Australia... My dream is to sit at one of those road side cafes in Paris, wearing a Polka dotted dress and a hat and read a book!!!!

U. Unknown fact about me? I gave up eating meat 11 years ago and am a total animal activist!

V. Vegetable? ALL....I love food

W. Worst habit? Talking a bit too much...

X. X-ray or ultrasound? I was okay with Xrays till I had my HSG...now would have to say Ultrasound.

Y. Your favorite restaurants? Papa Ji Ka dhaba!!! Mallik and I love to eat the North Indian food there.

Z. Zodiac sign? Aries

Funniest Blog ever!

This guy is just hillarious. Its a must read: http://xbox4nappyrash.blogspot.com/2009/01/tragic-demise.html

Happy, yet...

I am happy, I truly am! Knowing that I will be a mom next year, knowing I finally will have that much cherished child...But I still am hurting somewhere deep inside my soul. I still want to get pregnant, I still want to feel the child move inside my womb....Am I selfish? I am trying to hold onto my new year resolutions, and doing pretty well...But I think the realization that the pain of infertility is something I just have to learn to live it is setting in...

I still want a BFP I still want to experience m/s... So girls don't stop sending me those baby vibes...

My Infertility Badge of Honor

I was never happier to get an official certificate pronouncing us as infertile! But I am on top of the world.

We went to the adoption agency on Saturday. The Lady there was amazing! She explained the whole procedure. But she tried to discourage us from going ahead with the process as we have been married for only 3 years. We said a firm NO! We need to move on with life.

So, now we need to get the paperwork done. One of the documents the agency needed was a infertility certificate (stupid I know).And my doctor gave it to me!!! Things we need:

1. Health update by a doctor
2. Property documents
3. Employment proof
4. Salary statements
5. Bank Statements
6. Marriage certificate
7. 2 Recommendation letters (guaranteeing that we will make good parents)
8. Photographs (They will try and match our features with the child’s)
9. Identity proofs
10. Age proofs
11. Infertility Certificate

So we still need to get Health update by a doctor and 2 recommendation letters. Anybody out there willing to recommend us? ;-)

We should be able to submit the paperwork by next week. Six months from that time, we will have a home study and counselling. And another 6-10 months, we will have our daughter home with us! I am sooooooooo happy....

A baby girl 6-8 months old....

TTC Diary: CD 5 today. Am off Letrozole for the next 3 months and will resume after March. I still don’t know why i have taking the med in the first place. I have always Ovulated on my own!!
What if I conceive before the adoption comes through? We always wanted 2 kids :-)

A New Year, A New Life..

Happy New Year Everybody....

"We will open the book. Its pages are blank. We are going to put words on them ourselves. The book is called Opportunity and its first chapter is

New Year's Day."

AF arrived bang on time yesterday. And am proud to say I didn't shed a tear. I am happy I have a tomorrow to dream about... As long as we have our dreams, our hopes, life is worth living.


Here are a few pics of people i adore...











Aleah, the newest member of the family with big brother Aayaan!

Tuisha, Naisha, Aayan and Ananya -My Nieces and nephew












My Soul Mate







My family - greatest treasure

My Brother, my best friend with my nephew, the love of my life

These are the people who make life worth living. Their smiles make my day. A simple hello over the phone makes me feel in top of the world. I know I have a family just a call away. A family who have always stood together. I have not been able to add the pics of my three elder sisters and brother in laws. They are my guardian angels. I was 16 when dad died. My brother was mere 11. It was my sisters and BILs who held our hands and saw us through to the other side. I owe them so much, yet they expect nothing from me! I am truly blessed. They are my best Friends, my only friends...

PS: We made that call to the adoption agency yesterday. Time to seek a new direction in life. And here is to a new cycle.......