How long has it been? How long has been since I first became a mom? When I changed forever? 4 long years. Yet, the memories rush in sometimes and leave me i tears. I look at Danny and wonder what s/he would have looked like. How different would life have been? I know these are questions with no answers, yet I do think of them...Not always, in fact after Danny's birth, that memory has become less painful. But there are days like today when it feels like just yesterday.
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Welcome ICLWers!! I appreciate you dropping in to say hi. I havent been much of a blogger this last few weeks (as my last post explains) but I am getting back into the groove and your comments are just the fuel I need to get me back to action!!!
What do I tell you about me? I much more then just my IF journey. I am an Indian, a Buddhist. A SAHM who was formerly an Editorial Manager. I miss working, yet just cannot bring myself to leave Danny behind to start working again full time (and ahem, nobody seems to want to hire me either because I am TOO experienced) I write to reach out to people. I am honest to a fault, and my blog posts have landed me in numerous troubles because I have refused to be anonymous (too much self love can be destructive eh? )
The one thing I hate about myself? Being a hypochondriac!
The one thing I love about myself? I NEVER give up. No matter what happens, no matter what depths of hell I am in (believe me I have seen some shitty hells in my 32 years of life), I rise (thus the phoenix in my url!)
Whats happening in my life right now? My husband M and I are trying to fix our marriage. and also pursuing adoption. I want to TTC# 2 too, but am not sure about that as yet. M is a good father and a good husband too, but he is yet ti learn to be a good partner. And I need to stop being too needy.
Okay, enough about me, go ahead tell me about yourself!
As Good As It Gets?
Wednesday, June 22, 2011
Saturday, June 18, 2011
The days gone by...
...were tough. 'things' happened in real life since I last posted.
M's maternal grandfather died of cancer.
My MIL's grandmother fell ill and is in the hospital right now.
My Friend N got a BFP after years of TTC and IVF, it ended in a miscarriage.
My freind K's MIL was diagnosed with Cervical cancer. Currently undergoing chemo.
My BFF ND had 2 freaking surgeries to remove some lump from her breast. She has a son three months younger than Danny.
My next door neighbor, whom I really admire and respect, and who is one of the best humans I know, had a stroke. He is just 45.
Two of my good friends, C and P, found out that their husbands have been chheating on them. P has been married for the last 19 years. C got married in January this year.
There was a huge storm here and my net connection bonked out. Couldn't send an article on time. Lost my freelance job.
My marriage has a long way to go before it can be called happy.
Finances were (still is actually) crappy. SO crappy that I wrote this mail to my sisters.
"how are you girls? I miss being near my family actually. But in a way I am glad. I am so gladdd you all are doing well..actually everyone seems to be doing well, everyone but us that is. I don't envy you but I do feel with each passing day that I live in a different world. I feel bad that sooner than LATER Danny will realize that he is not the same as his cousins. I hope we can make enouh money before Danny is old enough to understand all this. But honestly it doesn'nt feel good to be poor. I hope we can make things better. It just feels so lonely at times..."
I needed to be there with these people. I love them all so much But my body just revolted against me. I used to wake up in the morning feeling like I had jut run a marathon. I was exhausted and my body hurt, every inch of it. I tried to reach out to these wonderful people..but the constant pain and tiredness kept pushing me towards the dark hell of depression. I needed this time IRL to work on myself. My partner in my spiritual journey P told me that I was wasting so much energy on thinking. I was letting my intellect rule me, instead of letting my spirit soar. It was so true! I was convinced that I had cancer. I was too scared to go to the doctor. I decided to immerse myself in Faith, Study and Practice. Slowly I emerged....Things are still tough..but I am now concentrating on strengthening my spiritual core. I am trying not to think about spirituality. I am trying to feel it instead.
PS: Thanks JJiraffe and Surly Mama for thinking of me.
M's maternal grandfather died of cancer.
My MIL's grandmother fell ill and is in the hospital right now.
My Friend N got a BFP after years of TTC and IVF, it ended in a miscarriage.
My freind K's MIL was diagnosed with Cervical cancer. Currently undergoing chemo.
My BFF ND had 2 freaking surgeries to remove some lump from her breast. She has a son three months younger than Danny.
My next door neighbor, whom I really admire and respect, and who is one of the best humans I know, had a stroke. He is just 45.
Two of my good friends, C and P, found out that their husbands have been chheating on them. P has been married for the last 19 years. C got married in January this year.
There was a huge storm here and my net connection bonked out. Couldn't send an article on time. Lost my freelance job.
My marriage has a long way to go before it can be called happy.
Finances were (still is actually) crappy. SO crappy that I wrote this mail to my sisters.
"how are you girls? I miss being near my family actually. But in a way I am glad. I am so gladdd you all are doing well..actually everyone seems to be doing well, everyone but us that is. I don't envy you but I do feel with each passing day that I live in a different world. I feel bad that sooner than LATER Danny will realize that he is not the same as his cousins. I hope we can make enouh money before Danny is old enough to understand all this. But honestly it doesn'nt feel good to be poor. I hope we can make things better. It just feels so lonely at times..."
I needed to be there with these people. I love them all so much But my body just revolted against me. I used to wake up in the morning feeling like I had jut run a marathon. I was exhausted and my body hurt, every inch of it. I tried to reach out to these wonderful people..but the constant pain and tiredness kept pushing me towards the dark hell of depression. I needed this time IRL to work on myself. My partner in my spiritual journey P told me that I was wasting so much energy on thinking. I was letting my intellect rule me, instead of letting my spirit soar. It was so true! I was convinced that I had cancer. I was too scared to go to the doctor. I decided to immerse myself in Faith, Study and Practice. Slowly I emerged....Things are still tough..but I am now concentrating on strengthening my spiritual core. I am trying not to think about spirituality. I am trying to feel it instead.
PS: Thanks JJiraffe and Surly Mama for thinking of me.
Monday, May 23, 2011
What is happiness for you?
You should be happy. You have everything you ever wanted. Life is complete. But you feel that gnawing hole in your existence. Something is missing. Something so intangible, that you don’t even know what it is, forget about getting it. Maybe that’s how life is supposed to be. Maybe it is just not possible to be completely happy and satisfied. Maybe but I just can’t accept that. There cannot be any other reason for our existence but to be happy. All we do, every action of ours is in pursuance of happiness.
So why are we never truly and completely happy? Why is there something missing in life, no matter what we achieve or possess?
Personally I believe that the happiness comes in the working for the desired goal, not in achieving it. Couples that are always WORKING at making their marriage successful are happy because they are not content to sit back and say, “Well, I’m now happy, nothing else to do.” Getting our home or yard decorated or landscaped is fun while we are doing it. Not in standing on the sidewalk with our hands on our hips looking at it. We often THINK that when we are done we will then be happy, not so. Anticipating a long vacation, planning, arranging details, making reservations is often more engrossing and rewarding than actually doing the anticipated activities.
Music!! yup, music makes me happy. Can any one not like music? I thrive on music. I love music whether it’s the swing of jazz, energy of rock, depth of blues or the head banging noise of heavy metal; I lap it all up.
Music is the universal language that speaks to everyone. I may not understand a word of a Spanish song, but its beats, rhythm, its life is enough to make me alive to it. I cannot sing, but I admire and envy those who can. Music makes me alive, it gives my life a meaning even when all else fails to lift my spirits. Listening to a good piece of music can make a thousand miserable moments worth living for. When you hear your favourite song, you feel its being played especially for you, you feel you foot tapping. Music not only touches your body but engulfs your soul too.
***********************************************************************************
Today I am at peace..not because someone gave me an expensive gift, but because I am living my life from my heart....its a beautiful world, if u see it from my eyes...I was upset till I was expecting another to make me complete, till I was waiting for another to fill my life with happiness, and the moment I looked inwards, into my soul, I found all the happiness in the world, all the love in the world.....
Today I know what Buddha meant when he said ‘you, more than anyone else in this world, deserve your love and affection’...I sure do .....
I wish my soul was always so steady and loving...but I know that’s not possible...I will falter..but my real courage will be in getting up...
So I am not someone who will earn in millions, I am not someone who will win a beauty pageant; I am not someone who will win a prize for literature...
I am still special....because I am me!!!!.....I am as special as the birds and the trees....so I don’t have big ambitions, if only I can make a person smile, if only I can make one person happy for a moment...that’s a life well lived......
Don’t love me because I am intelligent, beautiful or successful, love me because I am me...the soul that loves the God in every being,
‘I believe in angels, something good in everything I see....’..for the first time I am writing something without caring that someone might read it...........FREEDOM!!!!
So why are we never truly and completely happy? Why is there something missing in life, no matter what we achieve or possess?
Personally I believe that the happiness comes in the working for the desired goal, not in achieving it. Couples that are always WORKING at making their marriage successful are happy because they are not content to sit back and say, “Well, I’m now happy, nothing else to do.” Getting our home or yard decorated or landscaped is fun while we are doing it. Not in standing on the sidewalk with our hands on our hips looking at it. We often THINK that when we are done we will then be happy, not so. Anticipating a long vacation, planning, arranging details, making reservations is often more engrossing and rewarding than actually doing the anticipated activities.
Music!! yup, music makes me happy. Can any one not like music? I thrive on music. I love music whether it’s the swing of jazz, energy of rock, depth of blues or the head banging noise of heavy metal; I lap it all up.
Music is the universal language that speaks to everyone. I may not understand a word of a Spanish song, but its beats, rhythm, its life is enough to make me alive to it. I cannot sing, but I admire and envy those who can. Music makes me alive, it gives my life a meaning even when all else fails to lift my spirits. Listening to a good piece of music can make a thousand miserable moments worth living for. When you hear your favourite song, you feel its being played especially for you, you feel you foot tapping. Music not only touches your body but engulfs your soul too.
***********************************************************************************
Today I am at peace..not because someone gave me an expensive gift, but because I am living my life from my heart....its a beautiful world, if u see it from my eyes...I was upset till I was expecting another to make me complete, till I was waiting for another to fill my life with happiness, and the moment I looked inwards, into my soul, I found all the happiness in the world, all the love in the world.....
Today I know what Buddha meant when he said ‘you, more than anyone else in this world, deserve your love and affection’...I sure do .....
I wish my soul was always so steady and loving...but I know that’s not possible...I will falter..but my real courage will be in getting up...
So I am not someone who will earn in millions, I am not someone who will win a beauty pageant; I am not someone who will win a prize for literature...
I am still special....because I am me!!!!.....I am as special as the birds and the trees....so I don’t have big ambitions, if only I can make a person smile, if only I can make one person happy for a moment...that’s a life well lived......
Don’t love me because I am intelligent, beautiful or successful, love me because I am me...the soul that loves the God in every being,
‘I believe in angels, something good in everything I see....’..for the first time I am writing something without caring that someone might read it...........FREEDOM!!!!
Sunday, May 22, 2011
Skinny post
This is going to be short. I am exhausted...And I don't even know why! (CD2 maybe that's the reason) Feeling low and just want to sleep it out.
OK. Remember this post? This is where I talk about my efforts to gain weight. Well, my first month didn't go too well, and I ended up losing 2 lbs. I went for a weight check yesterday and guess what? I have gained 4 freaking lbs!!!And i actually 2 of these 4 lbs in the last 10 days! Maybe, just maybe, i will reach my target weight of 110 lbs by September.
I am eating as I was just added a glass of milk (with protein supplement) and eggs to my diet. My guess is that now that Danny is FINALLY sleeping through he night, I too am sleeping better and THAT may have helped me gain weight.Funny thing is that although I have gained weight, and sleeping better, i am feeling tired and pooped out. Wonder what's up.
The other skinny person in our family, Danny is getting too many "oh he is so skinny" comments lately. Makes me so so angry! I am looking for witty responses. Right now I shrug it off with a smile or say "he is like his mom" But i want to say something that will make the person understand that it is RUDE to say things like "are you not feeding him" "He is so skinny, what are you doing to him?". I never look at a chubby toddler and ask the mom why she is overfeeding him. I just don't want Danny to go through what I did. I don't want him to develop body image issues. Ideas?
PS: Thanks for dropping by from ICLW. I promise to start commenting in a day or so. I just need to get some energy back.
OK. Remember this post? This is where I talk about my efforts to gain weight. Well, my first month didn't go too well, and I ended up losing 2 lbs. I went for a weight check yesterday and guess what? I have gained 4 freaking lbs!!!And i actually 2 of these 4 lbs in the last 10 days! Maybe, just maybe, i will reach my target weight of 110 lbs by September.
I am eating as I was just added a glass of milk (with protein supplement) and eggs to my diet. My guess is that now that Danny is FINALLY sleeping through he night, I too am sleeping better and THAT may have helped me gain weight.Funny thing is that although I have gained weight, and sleeping better, i am feeling tired and pooped out. Wonder what's up.
The other skinny person in our family, Danny is getting too many "oh he is so skinny" comments lately. Makes me so so angry! I am looking for witty responses. Right now I shrug it off with a smile or say "he is like his mom" But i want to say something that will make the person understand that it is RUDE to say things like "are you not feeding him" "He is so skinny, what are you doing to him?". I never look at a chubby toddler and ask the mom why she is overfeeding him. I just don't want Danny to go through what I did. I don't want him to develop body image issues. Ideas?
PS: Thanks for dropping by from ICLW. I promise to start commenting in a day or so. I just need to get some energy back.
Friday, May 20, 2011
Just a thought
Loneliness and the feeling of being unwanted is the most terrible poverty. Mother Teresa
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