Saturday, June 18, 2011

The days gone by...

...were tough. 'things' happened in real life since I last posted.

M's maternal grandfather died of cancer.
My MIL's grandmother fell ill and is in the hospital right now.
My Friend N got a BFP after years of TTC and IVF, it ended in a miscarriage.
My freind K's MIL was diagnosed with Cervical cancer. Currently undergoing chemo.
 My BFF ND had 2 freaking surgeries to remove some lump from her breast. She has a son three months younger than Danny.
My next door neighbor, whom I really admire and respect, and who is one of the best humans I know, had a stroke. He is just 45.
 Two of my good friends, C and P, found out that their husbands have been chheating on them. P has been married for the last 19 years. C got married in January this year.
There was a huge storm here and my net connection bonked out. Couldn't send an article on time. Lost my freelance job.
My marriage has a long way to go before it can be called happy.
Finances were (still is actually) crappy. SO crappy that I wrote this mail to my sisters.
"how are you girls? I miss being near my family actually. But in a way I am glad. I am so gladdd you all are doing well..actually everyone seems to be doing well, everyone but us that is. I don't envy you but I do feel with each passing day that I live in a different world. I feel bad that sooner than LATER Danny will realize that he is not the same as his cousins. I hope we can make enouh money before Danny is old enough to understand all this. But honestly it doesn'nt feel good to be poor. I hope we can make things better. It just feels so lonely at times..."

I needed to be there with these people. I love them all so much But my body just revolted against me. I used to wake up in the morning feeling like I had jut run a marathon. I was exhausted and my body hurt, every inch of it. I tried to reach out to these wonderful people..but the constant pain and tiredness kept pushing me towards the dark hell of depression.    I needed this time IRL to work on myself. My partner in my spiritual journey P told me that I was wasting so much energy on thinking. I was letting my intellect rule me, instead of letting my spirit soar. It was so true! I was convinced that I had cancer. I was too scared to go to the doctor. I decided to immerse myself in Faith, Study and Practice. Slowly I emerged....Things are still tough..but I am now concentrating on strengthening my spiritual core. I am trying not to think about spirituality. I am trying to feel it instead.

PS: Thanks JJiraffe and Surly Mama for thinking of me.

14 comments:

Anonymous said... Best Blogger Tips

You have had so much to deal with all this time. So sorry for all the cancer that seems to have swept your side of friends and family.

An aunt told me (before marriage) that a marriage won't survive if trust is broken. So sorry for your friends who are dealing with the infidelity of their partners.

Sending get well soon wishes to your neighbour, blessings to Danny and hugs to you, C.

Anonymous said... Best Blogger Tips

Hey, it was me. St. E

a field of dreams said... Best Blogger Tips

I've been wondering where you've been. Sorry to read all the heartache that is surrounding you. I hope the days start to get better.

awomanmyage said... Best Blogger Tips

"The deeper the dark, the closer the dawn. However profound the suffering that envelops you, never forget the inner spark of hope and courage. Never lose the capacity to wait with patient enduring." Daisaku Ikeda. I've also found that when times are dark I must study the Gosho and employ the strategy of the Lotus Sutra before any others. Daimoku for you, friend, to support you when feel weak.

C said... Best Blogger Tips

@awomanmyagethanks for the daimuku...I seriously needed it...

C said... Best Blogger Tips

@a field of dreams Thanks Athena...I am doing so much better now. Things are definitely on the mend...

C said... Best Blogger Tips

@Anonymous Thanks S! I was wondering who this was because I generally do not allow anon comments.

St Elsewhere said... Best Blogger Tips

Yeah, I managed to not sign in...so I sent in the comment as Anonymous.


Happy ICLW!

Baby Hopes said... Best Blogger Tips

My goodness... what a horrible run. I do hope that things turn around for you soon. You are enduring so much. Sending thoughts and hope your way...

ICLW #112

Suzy, Not a Fertile Myrtle said... Best Blogger Tips

I am so sorry for all the things you are enduring right now. Sometimes life just isn't fair. I think you've had enough cloudy days. Hoping you see sunny days again soon!

~Suzy
{visiting from ICLW #53}

Deborah said... Best Blogger Tips

I'm here from ICLW, and glad I stopped by, because it seems like you are in need of a lot of support these days. I'll be thinking of you and checking back to see how you're doing.

Bumpy Journey said... Best Blogger Tips

:( I am sorry you are going through all this! Seems like so much happened in such a short time!

I grew up with very little money, but my mom made up for it with love and support. It was what it was, and I learned from her that if I want to live different, it was up to me to work hard. Also- to realize life is more than money. Although it does seem sot make the world go around huh?

Good luck my dear.
From ICLW #52

Sarah said... Best Blogger Tips

Oh goodness, you have more on your plate than anybody could handle. I am so sorry.

I know what you mean about hating to feel poor. I feel the same way. I hope our financial situation improves before Henry is old enough to feel like he is going without because we can't afford things :(

ICLW #7

md said... Best Blogger Tips

hope things turn around for your soon. sending thoughts and prayers your way.