The days gone by...

...were tough. 'things' happened in real life since I last posted.

M's maternal grandfather died of cancer.
My MIL's grandmother fell ill and is in the hospital right now.
My Friend N got a BFP after years of TTC and IVF, it ended in a miscarriage.
My freind K's MIL was diagnosed with Cervical cancer. Currently undergoing chemo.
 My BFF ND had 2 freaking surgeries to remove some lump from her breast. She has a son three months younger than Danny.
My next door neighbor, whom I really admire and respect, and who is one of the best humans I know, had a stroke. He is just 45.
 Two of my good friends, C and P, found out that their husbands have been chheating on them. P has been married for the last 19 years. C got married in January this year.
There was a huge storm here and my net connection bonked out. Couldn't send an article on time. Lost my freelance job.
My marriage has a long way to go before it can be called happy.
Finances were (still is actually) crappy. SO crappy that I wrote this mail to my sisters.
"how are you girls? I miss being near my family actually. But in a way I am glad. I am so gladdd you all are doing well..actually everyone seems to be doing well, everyone but us that is. I don't envy you but I do feel with each passing day that I live in a different world. I feel bad that sooner than LATER Danny will realize that he is not the same as his cousins. I hope we can make enouh money before Danny is old enough to understand all this. But honestly it doesn'nt feel good to be poor. I hope we can make things better. It just feels so lonely at times..."

I needed to be there with these people. I love them all so much But my body just revolted against me. I used to wake up in the morning feeling like I had jut run a marathon. I was exhausted and my body hurt, every inch of it. I tried to reach out to these wonderful people..but the constant pain and tiredness kept pushing me towards the dark hell of depression.    I needed this time IRL to work on myself. My partner in my spiritual journey P told me that I was wasting so much energy on thinking. I was letting my intellect rule me, instead of letting my spirit soar. It was so true! I was convinced that I had cancer. I was too scared to go to the doctor. I decided to immerse myself in Faith, Study and Practice. Slowly I emerged....Things are still tough..but I am now concentrating on strengthening my spiritual core. I am trying not to think about spirituality. I am trying to feel it instead.

PS: Thanks JJiraffe and Surly Mama for thinking of me.