I was just reading Mel’s latest post where she wrote about her relation with her husband. While I was reading it, I felt my heart grow heavier...That was ‘us’! That’s how M and I were as a couple. We completed each other. So what went wrong? Actually M doesn’t think or realize that something is wrong. He loves me. And I still adore him. Yet, I am not happy. Is it just me? Do I have some unrealistic expectation from this marriage? What exactly do I want? M asks me that every time I try and talk this out with him. The problem is ‘I don’t know’! My IRL friends tell me that I am the lucky one, that they would have loved to have a husband like mine.
M just completed his LLB and is now pursuing LLM. That’s his passion. I don’t begrudge him that. I am completely blown away by his will to pursue his passion. He goes to college during the mornings then does 2pm to 10pm office shift. Comes home, and ‘tries’ to be as good a father as he can be. Although, he is slacking in this department off late, but according to my friends, I have it good. That their husbands don’t help them out AT ALL.
The thing is, I don’t compare M with others. He is not doing as well as he could have financially. But I am okay with that. I don’t hold that against him. After all, it’s me who is not working and contributing to the household income.
I know he loves me. So what is it? Maybe it is the fact that we hardly have any physically intimacy anymore? One of the things I have always complained about is him spending too much time with his friends. He still does that. But that is not the only problem. The problem is that even if he is home a whole weekend, I am not happy. We sit together, watching TV, having nothing to talk about. Or he sleeps. No, I am not painting a genuine picture here. Its not all gloomy. M is happy, he cracks jokes. He doesn’t understand why I am unhappy. But I want to talk. I want to laugh with him again.
I don’t care if he spends half of his weekends with his friends. I am realizing its quality of time I need, not quantity. But how do I do it? How do I become the people we were? Both of us? Because I know I have changed too. And the only person I can expect to change is me. Funnily enough, this has nothing to do with Danny’s birth. The rut started before Danny was born. It has just become increasingly worse. One of the biggest reason is that I DONOT have a life outside of M. I don’t make friends easily. I need people who understand my eccentricity and accept them before I can become friends with them. The women I am surrounded by here, though wonderful in their own way, are just not the people I can hang around with.
This weekend was so wonderful because I got to hang around with my SILs, drink and laugh, and TALK. It was wonderful. I realized how much missed all that.
I understand that problem in my marriage is more because of ME then HIM. But the point is, how do I change that? I love M. I seriously do. As Mel talked about in her post, M too is that missing piece of my brain. I cannot imagine life without him. I tried. I went to Delhi, thinking I would see how it feels. Stayed away from him, didn’t call. I was MISERABLE!
Is this how all marriages are?