Sunday, June 26, 2011

Are you happily married?

I was just reading Mel’s latest post where she wrote about her relation with her husband. While I was reading it, I felt my heart grow heavier...That was ‘us’! That’s how M and I were as a couple. We completed each other. So what went wrong? Actually M doesn’t think or realize that something is wrong. He loves me. And I still adore him. Yet, I am not happy. Is it just me? Do I have some unrealistic expectation from this marriage? What exactly do I want? M asks me that every time I try and talk this out with him. The problem is ‘I don’t know’! My IRL friends tell me that I am the lucky one, that they would have loved to have a husband like mine.
M just completed his LLB and is now pursuing LLM. That’s his passion. I don’t begrudge him that. I am completely blown away by his will to pursue his passion. He goes to college during the mornings then does 2pm to 10pm office shift. Comes home, and ‘tries’ to be as good a father as he can be. Although, he is slacking in this department off late, but according to my friends, I have it good. That their husbands don’t help them out AT ALL.
The thing is, I don’t compare M with others. He is not doing as well as he could have financially. But I am okay with that. I don’t hold that against him. After all, it’s me who is not working and contributing to the household income.
I know he loves me. So what is it? Maybe it is the fact that we hardly have any physically intimacy anymore? One of the things I have always complained about is him spending too much time with his friends. He still does that. But that is not the only problem. The problem is that even if he is home a whole weekend, I am not happy. We sit together, watching TV, having nothing to talk about. Or he sleeps. No, I am not painting a genuine picture here. Its not all gloomy. M is happy, he cracks jokes. He doesn’t understand why I am unhappy. But I want to talk. I want to laugh with him again.
I don’t care if he spends half of his weekends with his friends. I am realizing its quality of time I need, not quantity. But how do I do it? How do I become the people we were? Both of us? Because I know I have changed too. And the only person I can expect to change is me. Funnily enough, this has nothing to do with Danny’s birth. The rut started before Danny was born. It has just become increasingly worse. One of the biggest reason is that I DONOT have a life outside of M. I don’t make friends easily. I need people who understand my eccentricity and accept them before I can become friends with them. The women I am surrounded by here, though wonderful in their own way, are just not the people I can hang around with.
This weekend was so wonderful because I got to hang around with my SILs, drink and laugh, and TALK. It was wonderful. I realized how much missed all that.
I understand that problem in my marriage is more because of ME then HIM. But the point is, how do I change that? I love M. I seriously do. As Mel talked about in her post, M too is that missing piece of my brain. I cannot imagine life without him. I tried. I went to Delhi, thinking I would see how it feels. Stayed away from him, didn’t call. I was MISERABLE!
Is this how all marriages are?


Anonymous said... Best Blogger Tips

I'm sorry you're feeling stuck in a bad place with your marriage. It sounds like there are a few factors contributing to your sense of unease, but it also sounds like you have a solid foundation of mutual love and respect.

Since you both value each other and your family so much, have you considered counseling? Sometimes it can really help to get an objective point of view and some practical tips on how to improve things.

However you decide to move forward, I hope you start feeling more like yourself soon! Wishing you all the best.

C said... Best Blogger Tips

@marriage20 Thanks so much for dropping by...Counseling is a no go. As I said M does not think anything is wrong..even if he did, he simply does not believe in counseling...

Deborah said... Best Blogger Tips

I don't know if *all* marriages are like that, but I can certainly say that some of them are. Watching TV, not talking, sounds like us. But just like with you, when I'm not around K, I feel worse. And like with you, there are enough good times where I really enjoy his company, to make it worthwhile. So I don't know. How much good vs. how much bad makes something a "good" marriage?

Jjiraffe said... Best Blogger Tips

Yeah. I read Mel's post and honestly? I was jealous. Unlike a lot of other bloggers, I feel like I'M the one letting Darcy down. That being a SAHM makes me less attractive in every way. He's a super achiever, makes good money. When we first met, I was the super achiever. Add in the fact that I'm infertile and I feel like a SUPER loser :(

Kristin said... Best Blogger Tips

Have you thought about talking to a counselor yourself? It sounds like you might be experiencing a bit of depression and either counseling or short term meds might help. Either way, I hope and pray you find your way back to happiness.

ICLW #10

Esperanza said... Best Blogger Tips

I'm sorry you're feeling in a bad place right now, relationship wise. Mi.Vida and I have found the transition to parenthood really difficult for our marriage but the difference is we both recognize the problems, not just one of us. I would definitely consider counseling for yourself. Having an unbiased third party help you through all of this would be very helpful. And it might help you understand why you feel the way you do and what you need from your relationship. And maybe having someone support you in figuring that out would help you to bring it to your husband.

We also read the book And Baby Makes Three and found that very helpful, but I don't know if it would work when one person doesn't think anything is wrong. That is really hard to work around.

I wish I had more/better advice. I hope things start to get better between you and M.

C said... Best Blogger Tips

@Deborah Thats what I wonder Deborah! I don't know...

C said... Best Blogger Tips

@Jjiraffe I think that is a big part of why I feel the way I feel. My self worth has just dipped so much. I had always measured my worth by my job, my career, the money I its all gone..

C said... Best Blogger Tips

@Kristin I think that is what I should be doing now. Depression is something I am dealing with...hopefully i can work my way out of this,,,Thanks for your kind words...

C said... Best Blogger Tips

@Esperanza YES!!! that's the biggest problem. I do I try and make things better when M thinks everything is fine? Thanks for the suggestions. Will give them a try...

M said... Best Blogger Tips

Hi from ICLW. I agree with the PPs about counseling for yourself. I've done it many times for many different reasons, and it can be a big help. Good luck and I hope you can find some peace.

ICLW #128

Tracy said... Best Blogger Tips

if you look at it from the perspective that all relationships teach us more about ourselves than they do about the other person, i really really think you need to make you a priority. i've sat and waited for Flynn to start talking to me. you'll wait forever. BUT if you have something to say that's really exciting, then a conversation, a moment of shared goodness can happen.
Men, even the good ones, are still men. They think in terms of solutions, fixes and to do lists, not bonding, social webbing and sharing. a lot of it is how they're wired and why finding the girls you can be that with IS SERIOUSLY important. They're like medicine you lack and you'd better find it or you're going to try to extract "it"/happy from M and that's not something he can give you unless he's extraordinary.
go look for those girls like your head is on fire and they've got the water.

Tracey said... Best Blogger Tips

No, its not how all marriages are. But if it were, would that make you feel any better? Of course not. If your marriage is in a rough spot now, it doesn't matter of everyone else's is too.
Certainly any marriage that's had infertility thrust upon it has got to be strained to some degree...that's normal. Maybe you should talk to a counselor to help you sort things out?
Tracey ICLW #118

Jackie said... Best Blogger Tips

I don't know if all marriages are this way - mine sure can be though. I have moments of being incredibly unhappy, despite having a husband that everyone tells me I'm "lucky to have." I love him, he loves me beyond measure, but there's just something missing.
I think we all love differently, and we all have different needs we're trying to meet via our significant others. I agree with the PP's about therapy; it's a great way to figure out those needs.

St Elsewhere said... Best Blogger Tips

C, I have a very strong feeling you are experiencing depression.

All marriages have kinks, and I think you had a good one with M, but some mojo is gone.

I think you should work towards improving your physical intimacy with him, and you should work on your state of emotions.

Please take care!