This is my dream

I wrote this long ago, end of 2008 to be exact. Then I got pregnant and everything else was just forgotten. Today, I needed to find what I wanted to do. I am not working (Nobody wants to hire me, I have too much experience you see). Instead of wallowing in self pity, I decided to dig this post out. I wanted to write a book about my father. This is something i jotted down...

I am not trying to become an author, I know my limitations....but this is something I want to do...It will be a lot of work. I will need to talk to people who KNEW dad (that generation won't be around for long). I may travel to Bangladesh where dad spend first few years of his life. Its BIG dream. But what are we without dreams?

"He lived a life of unfulfilled dreams. Was he just unlucky? Or was it all he could do? Maybe, in life we should just accept that some of us are not meant to scale the heights of greatness. But accepting ones mediocrity is tough. Life then seems so meaningless. Was that what made him what he was? Bitter?

Who was this man? A man who lived an ordinary life and died an ordinary death.

His life began in the hazy backwaters of Bangladesh. We don’t know much of his life, so may just create one for him. But that will biased wont it? Colored by our eyes, and how we saw him much later in life. Who was he as a child? What were his dreams? What did he think when he watched the waves of the Bay of Bengal? Is it ever possible to peak inside the mind of another and dig out their deepest thoughts? Is it even possible to dig out the thoughts we ourselves had years ago? Are not our memories colored by today’s reality?

So yes, we'll just create a life for him. A life we think he should have had. We can listen to people around him as they describe him, but can they ever describe his thoughts? How can we do justice to him? How can we remain true to his memories, when he is not even here to defend them? Do we have the right to just barge into another’s life? Even if he is my own father?

Did he think those waves to be beautiful, and lost in the beauty of the moment, or were his thoughts busy with thoughts as mundane as the next meal.

We will never really know. But why do I want to unravel a life that lies deep within the memories of so very few. Why do I want to disturb the peace that now surrounds his memory?

There are so many life stories that deserve to be told, tales of heroism, tales which makes life more meaningful, so why His life? Is it because he was m father? But I hardly even remember him now. His face is just another photograph, his memories hide behind the mist that is time. So why?

Maybe because he deserves it. Like everyone else, his life has to make some sense. His life too deserves to be vindicated. If only to make us feel that yes all life is sacred.

So don’t question if the words that will follow are true or not. Just think of a man who lived unfulfilled dreams and now deserves a voice, after the stillness of death..."

Award Time!!!!

I sat on it for a few days but did I tell you how much I LOVE getting awards?

The wonderful NewYearMum awarded me the Versatile Blogger Award and the Stylish Blogger Award (OK, so she asked me to choose, I took both of them, I am greedy  you see) . New Year Mum has dealt with all that life has thrown her way with such amazing grace that I feel nothing but respect for her. 

jjiraffe from TooManyFishToFry  also awarded me the Stylish Blogger Award. Girl, I was going to award you the same thing! I got delayed. :) jjiraffe is an amazing woman. A SAHM of twin toddlers, she inspires me everyday. 

Thank you so much.

The rules are similar for both the awards so here goes:

1. Link back to the person who gave you the award

2. Tell 7 things about yourself....(I will change this rule a little and tell you seven things about Danny and me combined)

1. Danny is named after a very dear bloggy friend of mine - Danelle. His Indian name is Agastya which means 'one who defeats the mountain'.

2. I hate cooking but love to eat mostly Indian food.

3. I have LARGE family. Three elder sisters and a younger brother. My eldest sister is 10 years older to me and my brother is 5 years younger..

4. I speak/read/write 3 languages, and learning the fourth. English is my third language.

5. I once helped a friend to run away from home when I was 18! Her parents were arranging her marriage with a guy she didn't like ans she was only 19. So I helped her run away and get a job.

6. I once slapped a guy in the middle of a market because he was getting too close. Guess what? He slapped me right back! Lesson learned - Never slap a guy in Delhi.

7. I like to try new things, experiment. And that includes religion. Have dabbled with most of the major religions of the world. Have also tried stuff life past life regression.

 

3. Award other bloggers The Versatile Blogger award is for 15 'recently discovered bloggers' and for the Stylish Blogger Award is for 15 blogs 'you feel deserve this award').... 

And the Award goes too....

Versatile Blogger Award: Unfortunately I have not read too many new blogs recently so can think of only two right now.

 Carmela from one in eight couples

and Ms2mrs

Stylish Blogger Award: (I picked my top 12)

TooManyFishtoFry 

AFieldofDreams

Cooked Heads

Stumbling Gracefully

A Woman my Age

Aisha Iqbal

My One PArticular Harbour

One Wheeler's World

Surly Mom

St Elsewhere

A Day in the life of the Preachman's wife

Happily Ever After

  4. Contact the recently awarded bloggers and let them know they've won

Desi girl!

I thought I should share a couple of my pictures where am dressed Indian!

                                              My wedding...

 This was when I was working. Sigh, seems like such a long time ago. We were having an Ethnic Wear day at work, thus the traditional attire. I won the second prize!

My 4am friends!

Thats you girls. When I typed out the post yesterday, It was just a cry for help. And then I saw this comment from Tracy and I actually burst out crying. I felt like an old dear friend had hugged me tight. And for the first time in 5 years, I didn't cry or fight when M came home. In fact I was fast asleep when came. And then today morning I saw more *hugs* from Aisha and Athena, and I KNEW what I had to do. Another good IRL friend sent me a message on FB today, asking me if I needed to talk. what she wrote in her message further made me look inside for my strength. Part of her message read "Totally understand if you don't, but just wanted to let you know that there is someone who knew you before all of this happened to you and I'm concerned that that person has been completely dwarfed by all these problems..."

I am copy pasting my reply to her here

Thanks so much XXX, for reaching out. Yes, I am battling a few problems but I am a fighter right? Its not easy, but then nobody promised me an easy life. I am fighting it and I will make it. M and I are having problems, maybe if things don't improve, I may walk out. But I am hopeful. I had a good conversation with him today. I told him that Danny will learn from him, what he does today, Danny will do tomorrow. THAT hit home. If something can change M, this is it. IF this doesnt work, I will be back in Delhi.

M is a good guy, don't get me wrong. Other then his need for his friends, he is perfect! Your last few words really hit home. The person I was? I don't want to lose her. Thanks for reminding me of myself, my strength.

The adoption process is tougher then I thought. But you know what keeps me going? Danny! I love him to bits. and for him and myself I will make sure I remain strong.

PS: I just realized i have typed out a whole blog post. :)

Thanks again.

I want to repeat what I told XXX. M is a good husband, a great father. The reason I am still with him. What M is today is because of his father. M's father wasn't much of a father. And when I told M today that Danny will be learning from him, I saw something change in his eyes. I saw something I have never seen before - sadness. M loves Danny more than his life. As I told my IRL friend, if ever there was a reason for M to change, THIS is it.

Now I wait. And see if he does change. But if doesn't, that will be my cue to make my exit. As Aisha said, when have to leave, you have to leave. But I am hopeful. You guys keep us in your prayers.

And you girls? YOU rock. THANKS SO MUCH.....I don't know what changed, but I needed to have this public display of weakness to find strength again.

What keeps me going?

THIS!!!!

Anger, Sadness and Guilt

I am angry. No, angry is a small word for what I am feeling right now. 

Remember the baby we wanted to adopt and who was sent to an orphanage instead? I never knew the reason behind the hospital administration decision. 

Untill today. M friend, the one who had given us all the information about the baby in the first place told me all about it today. Guess what happened? M’ friend told the hospital administration (of which he is also a part) to put send the baby to an orphanage because “the more I thought of it, the more I saw the baby, I realized that you wouldn’t want to adopt such a dark baby” straight from the horse’s mouth. The poor little baby was sent off to an orphanage because she is dark! 

She should have been here with me today. I should have been putting her to bed, holding her close. Instead, she is in some impersonal orphanage. Is he being fed okay? When my niece came to my sister from an orphanage, she was 3 months old and weighed 5 lbs. That’s how good the babies are cared for. I hope and pray the baby is adopted soon. Hope she NEVER meets a bigot like M’s friend. 

I feel so incredible sad. Things could have been so different if that bigot had just asked us for our opinion. For as long as I live, I would never be able to forgive that guy. I wanted to bite his head off. Scream “NO, that’s not how it works.”

I am also filled with guilt. M’s friends parting shot was “don’t worry, soon there will be a girl at the hospital who would be perfect for you”. Is that what I am praying for? For a baby to be abandoned by her family? For her to suffer from a loss so terrible we can never even comprehend it? 

I am devastated. I want my daughter.

Back...with a whimper

Yup, am back from Delhi. What a freaking trip! Remember my last post? Well, the very next day I was hit hard by a flu virus. A couple of days later Danny was down with viral fever. He became super clingy and refused to go to anyone. I finally gave up and asked M to come take us back. We came back today morning. M? he is my hero now. Hyderabad to Delhi is a 24 hour train journey. M took a train Saturday morning. Reached Delhi Sunday morning. We left for Hyderabad Monday morning and reached today morning and He left for work!

The one good thing about this trip was that I was able to meet my BFF after 2 years!

Today is the 12th right? I need toupdate you guys about my weight gain progress. Here it is. I LOST, yup LOST 2 lbs! Great eh? Skinny momma and skinny Danny have just become skinnier. sigh. Hope this coming month is better

I am going to catch up on all your blogs in the next few days. Must say I missed you people :)

Quick Update

Sorry for not commenting on your posts. I am in Delhi (my mom's place) and had no access to the Internet. Not feeling very good, mentally or physically. But there is one amazing news. Danny is sleeping 6 hours at a stretch! More on that later. muahhws