Tuesday, April 26, 2011

This is my dream

I wrote this long ago, end of 2008 to be exact. Then I got pregnant and everything else was just forgotten. Today, I needed to find what I wanted to do. I am not working (Nobody wants to hire me, I have too much experience you see). Instead of wallowing in self pity, I decided to dig this post out. I wanted to write a book about my father. This is something i jotted down...

I am not trying to become an author, I know my limitations....but this is something I want to do...It will be a lot of work. I will need to talk to people who KNEW dad (that generation won't be around for long). I may travel to Bangladesh where dad spend first few years of his life. Its BIG dream. But what are we without dreams?

"He lived a life of unfulfilled dreams. Was he just unlucky? Or was it all he could do? Maybe, in life we should just accept that some of us are not meant to scale the heights of greatness. But accepting ones mediocrity is tough. Life then seems so meaningless. Was that what made him what he was? Bitter?

Who was this man? A man who lived an ordinary life and died an ordinary death.

His life began in the hazy backwaters of Bangladesh. We don’t know much of his life, so may just create one for him. But that will biased wont it? Colored by our eyes, and how we saw him much later in life. Who was he as a child? What were his dreams? What did he think when he watched the waves of the Bay of Bengal? Is it ever possible to peak inside the mind of another and dig out their deepest thoughts? Is it even possible to dig out the thoughts we ourselves had years ago? Are not our memories colored by today’s reality?

So yes, we'll just create a life for him. A life we think he should have had. We can listen to people around him as they describe him, but can they ever describe his thoughts? How can we do justice to him? How can we remain true to his memories, when he is not even here to defend them? Do we have the right to just barge into another’s life? Even if he is my own father?

Did he think those waves to be beautiful, and lost in the beauty of the moment, or were his thoughts busy with thoughts as mundane as the next meal.

We will never really know. But why do I want to unravel a life that lies deep within the memories of so very few. Why do I want to disturb the peace that now surrounds his memory?

There are so many life stories that deserve to be told, tales of heroism, tales which makes life more meaningful, so why His life? Is it because he was m father? But I hardly even remember him now. His face is just another photograph, his memories hide behind the mist that is time. So why?

Maybe because he deserves it. Like everyone else, his life has to make some sense. His life too deserves to be vindicated. If only to make us feel that yes all life is sacred.

So don’t question if the words that will follow are true or not. Just think of a man who lived unfulfilled dreams and now deserves a voice, after the stillness of death..."


jjiraffe said... Best Blogger Tips

This is truly lovely. I hope you do get to achieve your dream of researching his life someday soon. My mom, who's retired, has been busy writing her ancestors lives down and I'm so happy because I'll be able to pass those stories down to my kids.

Tracy said... Best Blogger Tips

Since Danny won't get to spend time with your Dad, if you find yourself letting this project lie fallow on the sides of your life, think in terms of showing your beautiful boy where he comes from and the man who made you the Mama you are.
It will also give you somewhere to "go" when you're "waiting" for M.

Esperanza said... Best Blogger Tips

What a wonderful beginning! I think this is a fantastic project. And it's the best kind of project because just finishing it is enough, so that you have it and your son has it. It will always be cherished by the people close to you.

When I think of all the things about my father that my daughter might not know it makes me incredibly sad. Our parents are amazing people, just by being our parents.

I hope you can make this dream come true.

PS - thanks for the award! I'm getting my post together for it soon!

St Elsewhere said... Best Blogger Tips

You write beautifully and it would be a fantastic tribute.

It would also be a book for generations to come.

Your dad had you. He is not a failure - he has a child who wants to celebrate his life.

a field of dreams said... Best Blogger Tips

You have a talent for writing especially as this is something coming deep from your heart. Write it, even if it doesn't get to be published. For your son to know his grandfather and for you to remember him by. My dad also had a very interesting, although dark life. He is still alive and I would love to write down the many stories and experiences he has had in his life. Unfortunately we have a very strained relationship. I just won't be able to sit with him for too long without getting angry. Sad but true :(

New Year Mum said... Best Blogger Tips

You write so beautifully and such a lovely tribute to your father... I agree with A field of dreams - write it for your son and yourself... sounds like you probably have many stories to tell. Love always xoxo