My 4am friends!

Thats you girls. When I typed out the post yesterday, It was just a cry for help. And then I saw this comment from Tracy and I actually burst out crying. I felt like an old dear friend had hugged me tight. And for the first time in 5 years, I didn't cry or fight when M came home. In fact I was fast asleep when came. And then today morning I saw more *hugs* from Aisha and Athena, and I KNEW what I had to do. Another good IRL friend sent me a message on FB today, asking me if I needed to talk. what she wrote in her message further made me look inside for my strength. Part of her message read "Totally understand if you don't, but just wanted to let you know that there is someone who knew you before all of this happened to you and I'm concerned that that person has been completely dwarfed by all these problems..."

I am copy pasting my reply to her here

Thanks so much XXX, for reaching out. Yes, I am battling a few problems but I am a fighter right? Its not easy, but then nobody promised me an easy life. I am fighting it and I will make it. M and I are having problems, maybe if things don't improve, I may walk out. But I am hopeful. I had a good conversation with him today. I told him that Danny will learn from him, what he does today, Danny will do tomorrow. THAT hit home. If something can change M, this is it. IF this doesnt work, I will be back in Delhi.

M is a good guy, don't get me wrong. Other then his need for his friends, he is perfect! Your last few words really hit home. The person I was? I don't want to lose her. Thanks for reminding me of myself, my strength.

The adoption process is tougher then I thought. But you know what keeps me going? Danny! I love him to bits. and for him and myself I will make sure I remain strong.

PS: I just realized i have typed out a whole blog post. :)

Thanks again.

I want to repeat what I told XXX. M is a good husband, a great father. The reason I am still with him. What M is today is because of his father. M's father wasn't much of a father. And when I told M today that Danny will be learning from him, I saw something change in his eyes. I saw something I have never seen before - sadness. M loves Danny more than his life. As I told my IRL friend, if ever there was a reason for M to change, THIS is it.

Now I wait. And see if he does change. But if doesn't, that will be my cue to make my exit. As Aisha said, when have to leave, you have to leave. But I am hopeful. You guys keep us in your prayers.

And you girls? YOU rock. THANKS SO MUCH.....I don't know what changed, but I needed to have this public display of weakness to find strength again.