Thursday, April 21, 2011

My 4am friends!

Thats you girls. When I typed out the post yesterday, It was just a cry for help. And then I saw this comment from Tracy and I actually burst out crying. I felt like an old dear friend had hugged me tight. And for the first time in 5 years, I didn't cry or fight when M came home. In fact I was fast asleep when came. And then today morning I saw more *hugs* from Aisha and Athena, and I KNEW what I had to do. Another good IRL friend sent me a message on FB today, asking me if I needed to talk. what she wrote in her message further made me look inside for my strength. Part of her message read "Totally understand if you don't, but just wanted to let you know that there is someone who knew you before all of this happened to you and I'm concerned that that person has been completely dwarfed by all these problems..."

I am copy pasting my reply to her here

Thanks so much XXX, for reaching out. Yes, I am battling a few problems but I am a fighter right? Its not easy, but then nobody promised me an easy life. I am fighting it and I will make it. M and I are having problems, maybe if things don't improve, I may walk out. But I am hopeful. I had a good conversation with him today. I told him that Danny will learn from him, what he does today, Danny will do tomorrow. THAT hit home. If something can change M, this is it. IF this doesnt work, I will be back in Delhi.
M is a good guy, don't get me wrong. Other then his need for his friends, he is perfect! Your last few words really hit home. The person I was? I don't want to lose her. Thanks for reminding me of myself, my strength.
The adoption process is tougher then I thought. But you know what keeps me going? Danny! I love him to bits. and for him and myself I will make sure I remain strong.
PS: I just realized i have typed out a whole blog post. :)

Thanks again.

I want to repeat what I told XXX. M is a good husband, a great father. The reason I am still with him. What M is today is because of his father. M's father wasn't much of a father. And when I told M today that Danny will be learning from him, I saw something change in his eyes. I saw something I have never seen before - sadness. M loves Danny more than his life. As I told my IRL friend, if ever there was a reason for M to change, THIS is it.

Now I wait. And see if he does change. But if doesn't, that will be my cue to make my exit. As Aisha said, when have to leave, you have to leave. But I am hopeful. You guys keep us in your prayers.

And you girls? YOU rock. THANKS SO MUCH.....I don't know what changed, but I needed to have this public display of weakness to find strength again.


Ms2Mrs..and back to Ms said... Best Blogger Tips

I've only read this post, but I understand how hard it is to make the decision to leave. I've done it. The only advice I can offer is this, only you, and you alone know what is the right choice. And you aren't alone. Hugs! ICLW

Tracy said... Best Blogger Tips

;) You heard what was being sent.. xo

New Year Mum said... Best Blogger Tips

Love your blog and thank you so much for all your kind words since I started blogging... it's been lovely to start sharing this journey with you. I've awarded you a Stylish Blogger and/or Versatile blogger Award :)) Follow the link below and join in the fun this Easter :)

Sorry to hear about your difficult decision... my heart goes out to you.

Love always xoxo

Amber said... Best Blogger Tips

Sounds like you're in a hard place right now, but I hope it all turns out the way it's meant to. You have a beautiful baby!!!

Happy ICLW

Stacey said... Best Blogger Tips

I love your honesty...I'm sure we all have thoughts about our spouses at one time or have the courage to face it head on...Danny is a special little guy, and I hope he can get you to where you need to be...I am sorry to hear about your adoption troubles too, I can't imagine...

Carmela said... Best Blogger Tips

Thanks for the encouraging comment on my blog. I'm hopeful that we'll find some answers soon.

You sound like a very strong woman and I know you will make it through this current trial in your life. I'm sending you some big *hugs*.

Oh, and your son is incredibly ADORABLE!!!

Happy ICLW!
Carmela #65

Aramelle said... Best Blogger Tips

I got behind on Reader so am just seeing your posts from the past few days now.

I'm sorry that you are still struggling with things with M. I really hope that your talk will have done some good and that you'll both be able to work towards repairing your marriage. You know we're here when you need us.


Aramelle @ One Wheeler's World

SurlyMama said... Best Blogger Tips


St Elsewhere said... Best Blogger Tips

I obviously missed the post. Did you post something after the pics of Danny? I haven't read that one yet.

When you spoke of trial separation a while ago, I did not understand why. But I now get a hint of why.

I hope M comes around.

Good Luck to you.