Thursday, January 20, 2011

Loss...

We have all experienced loss, in one of its myriad forms. No matter what form it takes, we are filled with emptiness, and a pain that wrenches our gut. The two most devastating and life changing losses I have experienced were the death of my father and miscarriage. These two events changed me, left a scar which time cannot heal. But what I want to write about today is such a different feeling. I don't know if anyone out there would even understand what I am feeling, leave alone empathising with the sense of loss I am feeling now. But I need to write. I need to get it all out of my system because its eating me away from inside.

When I got married 5 years ago, I not only moved to a new city, but to a new culture, a new language, and a new family. M came with a package - his mom, his granny and his cousin brother whom we shall call A. A lost his father even before he was born (his mom was 3 months pregnant with A when her husband died) and well A had lived a life of a nomad since then. A few days here, a few days there. His mom, I was told wasn't a good mother. I will not comment on that since that involve other people. Anyways, when I got married, M decided that A should move in with us. He didn't ask me. I supported him. A was then 7 years old. My MIL wasn't really happy with that decision which finally led to a huge showdown with MIL moving in with her daughter, where she still resides. I was the bitch, because I had not supported MIL.

Things were definitely not easy but days passed. I ' learned' to be a mother, because I had to mother A. I never really had child free married life! We had to plan everything around A, his school days. I stayed awake when he was ill, I took him to the doctor. I supported him when everyone refused to understand him, I I cooked him his favourite dishes, and packed his lunch.. And A loved me back in return. He is now12. And things are getting more difficult, but he still listens to me. But things have changed. A's mother calls me names because well, of the way I parent (I make him do chores, the way I will make Danny do chores). I feel devastated each time I hear her say something bad about me. I didn't ask for any of it! It wasn't easy for me. I didn't do it for myself! But that is not what the loss is about.

A will leave, soon I guess. And that hurts. I am filled with envy. I know the feeling is senseless and selfish, more the reason that I cannot share it with anybody. He had moved back with his mom a couple of months ago, and I used stay awake at night. I used to go to his room, see his empty bed and cry. Does it make any sense? He is here with me now, don't know when he will move away. But I am felt with dread. I know am wrong to feel like this but I cannot help but feel like this. The pain IS gut wrenching and when A leaves there will be a hole in my heart and life...

ICLW

Hi, I am completely new to ICLW. but if you are visiting me, leave a comment. As Mel says, comments are the new hug, and we can all do with a few hugs eh? Each time I read a comment, my days seems a little brighter, and it makes me smile. :-)

13 comments:

mylifechronicles said... Best Blogger Tips

Yes, It is a loss indeed and don't beat yourself up for feeling that way. Seperation is hard and it is especially hard when the relationship was like a mother-son one. You cannot stop him from moving away but all you can hope is that he remembers all the good and happy times that he shared with you. Take care. HUGS!

a field of dreams said... Best Blogger Tips

Hi, You have been his mother since he was 7 and gave him all that a beautiful mother would - unconditional love. He will remember that wherever he is. Start planning now on how you can both keep in touch when he is away.

ICLW #126

Kerri said... Best Blogger Tips

How selfless of you to take in a 7 year old boy who needed a home. I'm sure it wasn't always easy, learning to be a mother and adjusting to a new marriage all at once. I'm sorry you have such a strained relationship with your MIL. It sounds like you're doing a fantastic job with both boys.

-Kerri from ICLW

Jin said... Best Blogger Tips

Its not bad that you're feeling dread when A decides to leave. Its totally normal since you've raised him since her was 7.

Welcome to ICLW!

Teamjinfred.wordpress.com

Aramelle said... Best Blogger Tips

I can relate to what you feel a little bit. I was my younger brother's guardian for several months while my mom sorted through some of her own junk. I felt a similar loss and a little betrayed when he wanted to go back home rather than stay with me when she was ready.

That was just a few months, and you've been doing this for years!

Shannon said... Best Blogger Tips

A is your son, too. And a pretty lucky boy, to have been raised by someone who cares so much for him. Even if he goes back to his mom, he'll always have you to thank for teaching him what he needs to know to be a good man.

But I can't imagine how heartbreaking it will be for you when he leaves. I hope you'll still at least get to see him frequently!

Krissi said... Best Blogger Tips

I can empathize with your feelings of loss. My dad died when I was 8. My mom passed 4 years ago. And I have experienced 2 chemical pregnancies. The grief can be unimanigable at times...it swallows me whole. But I try to look at the really great things in my life and smile. That gets me through. (ICLW # 110)

Aisha said... Best Blogger Tips

what an inspiring story- wow.

Enjoying your blog and will be adding you to my reader- I love that about ICLW- finding other great bloggers in the blogosophere :)

Courtney said... Best Blogger Tips

Wow, that a journey you have been on. My heart goes out to all of you.

*hugs*

ICLW #56

jjiraffe said... Best Blogger Tips

This is an amazing story of unconditional love. How lucky this boy is to have you in his life. I'm sure he'll remember that bond to you for the rest of his life.

ICLW 61

thirtiesgirl said... Best Blogger Tips

Happy ICLW! I'm new to it as well. Love the story--super inspiring.

SurlyMama said... Best Blogger Tips

Stopping by for ICLW. I can understand your attachment to A and the sense of loss that you feel. Even after he leaves I feel you will continue to have a special relationship with him. Best of luck to you. And Danny is absolutely beautiful!

a field of dreams said... Best Blogger Tips

Me again, thank you for visiting my blog and for your lovely comment.

I just gave you a blogging award – go and check it out!