We have all experienced loss, in one of its myriad forms. No matter what form it takes, we are filled with emptiness, and a pain that wrenches our gut. The two most devastating and life changing losses I have experienced were the death of my father and miscarriage. These two events changed me, left a scar which time cannot heal. But what I want to write about today is such a different feeling. I don't know if anyone out there would even understand what I am feeling, leave alone empathising with the sense of loss I am feeling now. But I need to write. I need to get it all out of my system because its eating me away from inside.
When I got married 5 years ago, I not only moved to a new city, but to a new culture, a new language, and a new family. M came with a package - his mom, his granny and his cousin brother whom we shall call A. A lost his father even before he was born (his mom was 3 months pregnant with A when her husband died) and well A had lived a life of a nomad since then. A few days here, a few days there. His mom, I was told wasn't a good mother. I will not comment on that since that involve other people. Anyways, when I got married, M decided that A should move in with us. He didn't ask me. I supported him. A was then 7 years old. My MIL wasn't really happy with that decision which finally led to a huge showdown with MIL moving in with her daughter, where she still resides. I was the bitch, because I had not supported MIL.
Things were definitely not easy but days passed. I ' learned' to be a mother, because I had to mother A. I never really had child free married life! We had to plan everything around A, his school days. I stayed awake when he was ill, I took him to the doctor. I supported him when everyone refused to understand him, I I cooked him his favourite dishes, and packed his lunch.. And A loved me back in return. He is now12. And things are getting more difficult, but he still listens to me. But things have changed. A's mother calls me names because well, of the way I parent (I make him do chores, the way I will make Danny do chores). I feel devastated each time I hear her say something bad about me. I didn't ask for any of it! It wasn't easy for me. I didn't do it for myself! But that is not what the loss is about.
A will leave, soon I guess. And that hurts. I am filled with envy. I know the feeling is senseless and selfish, more the reason that I cannot share it with anybody. He had moved back with his mom a couple of months ago, and I used stay awake at night. I used to go to his room, see his empty bed and cry. Does it make any sense? He is here with me now, don't know when he will move away. But I am felt with dread. I know am wrong to feel like this but I cannot help but feel like this. The pain IS gut wrenching and when A leaves there will be a hole in my heart and life...
Hi, I am completely new to ICLW. but if you are visiting me, leave a comment. As Mel says, comments are the new hug, and we can all do with a few hugs eh? Each time I read a comment, my days seems a little brighter, and it makes me smile. :-)