Peace

I am at peace.

It was a moment of total spiritual bliss and it filled me with awe and peace. While flying back home from Delhi, I was holding my belly and praying for baby Dan’s safety. The last three months were filled with anxiety and pure dread.

In Delhi, everyone commented that I didn’t look happy. Wasn’t I happy that I was pregnant? I had been trying for so long after all (by their super fertile standards). I tried to explain the reason, the fact that trying for so long had left a scar, and that I could never take anything for granted. Did they understand? Guess!

But I don’t blame them. I have seen my face in the mirror these last few months, and I have seen it become drawn and sad. I never really accepted this pregnancy. Always waiting for something to go wrong. I guess I didn’t want to jinx it by feeling happy about it.

So the fear was present while flying back, when suddenly I glanced out of the window. We were flying over a sea of clouds, and suddenly I was filled with joy. I suddenly saw beauty in it all again. I saw a higher power in every speck of this universe. I felt myself relax after months, and my heart was filled with love and peace.

Came back home, and there was some brown discharge. Was I scared? A little maybe, but then I thought this was just the inevitable. Next morning (26th) we went for our scheduled 12 weeks appointment with my doc and I told her about the discharge. She looked worried. We went for our scan, where I just looked away from the monitor. As she searched around, I felt calm, funnily enough. Suddenly she said to Mallik “and here is the head” She then turned the monitor towards me, where Mallik and me watched baby Dan swimming around, measuring one week ahead! I have a low lying placenta, so have been asked to avoid traveling.

Yeah, that was my birthday gift. I think my smile would have lit up a whole town. Mallik and I were calm. We are happy baby Dan is healthy, but I am happier that I don’t feel emotionally crippled any more. I am really at peace. Even my mother-in-law cannot fluster me at this point…

Last year, I had spent my birthday evening alone at home, crying, feeling all lonely and unloved. This year, Mallik was away at work but I called a few of the girls who stay near my apartment and had a small party – complete with a birthday cake and some party games. Mallik is surprised to see me like this. He was completely shocked by my reaction to his announcement that he will have to go out for 2 days in April to attend his managers wedding. I simply said “great, you will have a great time am sure”.

I am not surprised. This, after all, is the real me! Happy in my own skin, and wishing to go out there and hug all you wonderful girls…….