Peace

I am at peace.

It was a moment of total spiritual bliss and it filled me with awe and peace. While flying back home from Delhi, I was holding my belly and praying for baby Dan’s safety. The last three months were filled with anxiety and pure dread.

In Delhi, everyone commented that I didn’t look happy. Wasn’t I happy that I was pregnant? I had been trying for so long after all (by their super fertile standards). I tried to explain the reason, the fact that trying for so long had left a scar, and that I could never take anything for granted. Did they understand? Guess!

But I don’t blame them. I have seen my face in the mirror these last few months, and I have seen it become drawn and sad. I never really accepted this pregnancy. Always waiting for something to go wrong. I guess I didn’t want to jinx it by feeling happy about it.

So the fear was present while flying back, when suddenly I glanced out of the window. We were flying over a sea of clouds, and suddenly I was filled with joy. I suddenly saw beauty in it all again. I saw a higher power in every speck of this universe. I felt myself relax after months, and my heart was filled with love and peace.

Came back home, and there was some brown discharge. Was I scared? A little maybe, but then I thought this was just the inevitable. Next morning (26th) we went for our scheduled 12 weeks appointment with my doc and I told her about the discharge. She looked worried. We went for our scan, where I just looked away from the monitor. As she searched around, I felt calm, funnily enough. Suddenly she said to Mallik “and here is the head” She then turned the monitor towards me, where Mallik and me watched baby Dan swimming around, measuring one week ahead! I have a low lying placenta, so have been asked to avoid traveling.

Yeah, that was my birthday gift. I think my smile would have lit up a whole town. Mallik and I were calm. We are happy baby Dan is healthy, but I am happier that I don’t feel emotionally crippled any more. I am really at peace. Even my mother-in-law cannot fluster me at this point…

Last year, I had spent my birthday evening alone at home, crying, feeling all lonely and unloved. This year, Mallik was away at work but I called a few of the girls who stay near my apartment and had a small party – complete with a birthday cake and some party games. Mallik is surprised to see me like this. He was completely shocked by my reaction to his announcement that he will have to go out for 2 days in April to attend his managers wedding. I simply said “great, you will have a great time am sure”.

I am not surprised. This, after all, is the real me! Happy in my own skin, and wishing to go out there and hug all you wonderful girls…….

A quckie

AM back!!! oh ya, I know the whole Blogosphere was waiting for me with baited breath....

The trip was good but tiring. Just came back around an hour back so just writing a quick update.

Tomorrow is my 30th Bday, will write more about it later.

and yeah, i had a little bit of brown discharge. Am I worried? Am really too tired to worry anymore, all this worrying is draining me out...

Quick Update

Well, Mother-in-law called Alekhya (my favourite sister-in-law) and asked her to ask me to call MIL whenever i want to eat something and whether she can come down and stay with us so she can cook for me. 'She wants me and baby to be healthy you see'. Baah, where was she when I was sick with arthritis, and had to do all household chores? We all know why she is all helpful now...

This is the message i conveyed to her "I never asked you to leave. This is your son's house and you don't need my permission to come stay here. But you definitely don't need to come here for ME!!! Come and stay, but don't try to help me"

I am happy I got my point across. Now I wait for the tsunami....

PS: wanted to update you girls about our adoption process. No, we have not given that up. We are planning to go forward with the process, but have just postponed it till after October. We always wanted 2 kids :-).. but yeah we are being selfish and decided that we want one of each gender, so we wait till this year end to start the process...

Craving!!!

I finally took some medicine to help me with my nausea. I was just losing too much weight and feeling too weak.

Today am 10w4d. And since yesterday, I am craving, guess what? MEAT!!! Damn man!! I haven't had meat for the last...10-12 years! Yesterday Mallik made me eat chicken.. I always remembered that meat tastes good. I have never refuted that fact. But I had enough self control not to eat MEAT. But now my body is demanding it. Not my mind. My mind is feeling sick with guilt. I know that even if I do eat meat through my pregnancy, I can give it up again after the baby is born, but that's not enough. I don't want to eat meat. There is a reason why I stopped eating-no matter how stupid that reason maybe for others- I love animals too much to eat them!

What kind of a hypocrite am I? Shish....

PS: I am going home to Delhi on the 20th of this month. Just for a week, but really really happy to be able to see my family again...

On the brink..

I am on that brink. On this side is laughter, love and LIFE, on the other side is darkness, darkness of depression. I know that darkness, I lived in that darkness for years and I do not want to go back. yes, I am scared... It may have been triggered by the hormones, but I know I can slide back there.

This article was published a year back. I needed to go back to it to remind myself that miracles happen, that deep inside our souls is a spark of light that can lighten even the darkness of hell.

http://www.tehelka.com/story_main38.asp?filename=hub290308personalhistories.asp

Maybe someone out there will get a few moments of hope with this article.

Award!!

I finally got an award... I was about t0 blog about how left out i felt - everyone is winning awards -left, right and centre- sob sob... I think Nikki is kinda psychic or something! I mean she went out of her way, to expand the list to include my name in it... love ya Nikki... But first I want to do this Honest scrap thingy. No one really nominated me, but heck, I love to talk about myself, and THIS IS my blog after all!


1. I cannot make friends. I am a super friendly person, but when it comes to making friends, I just cannot! I am a loner who just loves to talk (confusing? ask my husband, he still don't know why he married me!)
2. I hate religion! I think religion is the reason behind all the hatred in this world... I just wish people will follow god and forget about religion.
3. I practiced Buddhism for 4 years but then realized that organized religion is just not for me. I cant live by rules.
4. I think the hottest guys is this world is Antonio Banderas!
5. I started smoking when I was 16 (that too in school, and I studied in an all girls school). Chain smoked for a year or so, then one day just gave up.
6. I love to dance... Put on some good music and you just cannot keep me away from the dance floor. Its becoming difficult with each passing day. I know one day, my arthritis will make it impossible for me to dance. I dread that day.
7. When I was 17, I helped my friend to run away from home as her parents where forcing her to get married. What a mess it was! we helped her get a house on rent, gave her a hair cut and helped her get a job. What happened? the police started haunting me and my family. But am mighty proud that I never spilled the beans. Sad part? they found her and she got married.
8. I am suffering from pregnancy guilt. I still don't feel like I deserve to have a baby. There are so many wonderful women out there who have faced much more then me!
9. I love my brother. So much so that I can die or kill for him. I can do anything to keep him happy.
10. I am pretty self centered! I love myself and love to talk about myself too.

Ok, now here is the Award the Nikki nominated me for

Here are the rules:

Put the logo on your blog or post.

Nominate at least 10 blogs with great attitude and/or gratitude.

Be sure to link to your nominees in your post.

Let your nominees know they have received the award by leaving them a comment on their blog.

Be sure to link this post to the person who nominated you for the award.

I nominate:
1) S

2) Margelina

3) Mandy
4) A decade of BFNs

5) XboxX (ok so HE might be a little offended by this sisterhood award, but his blog so deserves all the awards it can get!)
6) Emily
7) NH
8) Danelle
9) Sue

10) Michelle

It must be the Hormones...

Well, yeah, am just bored....

Today am 8 weeks 5 days pregnant, pretty cool eh? No puking thankfully, but nausea comes and goes. Doctor says my uterus is growing nicely (it better be, all those cramps have to lead to something)....and am super tired, i mean super super super tired.........

But the worst.... am being a bitch, the hormones have really kicked in and I can just shoot a few people... am not talking about being sad and lonely (thats something I am trying to deal with), am talking about being super cranky and hating my in laws!!!

MIL was here over the weekend, oh and they are being so so so sweet, telling what to eat, asking where we are going, asking me not to travel, telling Mallik not take me out....the best part? Mallik shouted at them!!! and told them that he will do what he wants to do...ye ye ....

Am a bitch, right? I mean am waiting for the baby to come so can take revenge on them ***EVIL GRIN***...wait till they discover that their beloved grand/great grand son or daughter will not grow up in their culture. Wait till I tell them that my child will grow up castless and not as a freaking Brahmin... wait till they discover that I will not sit down with my child for any of their pujas...wait till they find out that I have already decided on a name for the kid and IF i have a girl, man oh man, i cant wait till they discover that we propose to ADOPT our second child - a son!!! (we have postponed our adoption procedure. Will start it after October. WE always wanted 2 kids)

I cant wait till I refuse to take anything from my MIL as gift. If she wants to give anything, she better give it to her son...I have NOT forgotten how she took back the gold bangles and rings, which she had gifted me....I DONOT want anything from her... and I definitely will not need her to babysit my baby...I am waiting to teach my child Bengali and waiting for them to UNDERSTAND finally that I will never become TELUGU just coz i am married to one, and that my child will be half Bengali....

Ok, enough ranting...signing off now...so long girls.....

PS: I have lost 2 kgs, not something I am happy about..trying to force myself to eat now....Doc says its not a problem and that i will start gaining weight after the first trimester...but she forgets how hard it was for me to gain weight in the first place...sigh...there goes all the junk food I ate...