A visit to the doctor can be an eye opener

This post is whiny and may make no sense at all. I will understand if you don’t read it. But if you do, I would love to hear from you, I appreciate your advice.

I have been having this weird breast pain for the last 10 days or so. Generally I have this problem a few days before AF arrives, but this time it started on CD5. I ignored it for a few days, hoping that it would just go away on its own. I just didn’t want to go see Dr A, my Ob/Gyn. But this Saturday, the pain got so bad that I had to go see her. As usual, the waiting room was filled with pregnant woman.

I love Dr. A. She is simply awesome, an amazing human being whose very presence is reassuring.  It turned out that I have Fibrocystic breasts, that a month on Vitamin E can easily treat. As Dr. A was writing out my prescription, she asked me about Danny and then asked if we were thinking about a second child. I mumbled about our adoption plans but in the silence that ensued I couldn’t help blurt out “I still want to experience pregnancy again”. And I started crying. Stupid I know, but on hindsight I realize I had been hiding this desire so deep in my heart that when it burst forth, it actually was a relief. But Dr. A said something that really made me realize that she ‘gets’ it. She said ‘You don’t need to feel guilty because you want to get pregnant again. That’s just the way our bodies were designed. Just because you told and convinced everyone including yourself that you were moving on with adoption does not mean that your body understood that. Your body wants to get pregnant and that’s completely normal.” She is right. I feel like such a hypocrite because its just not a second bay I crave for but s second pregnancy. I still get jealous when I see a pregnant belly. I feel guilty for not feeling 100% with adoption. Its not that I don’t want to adopt but I also want to get pregnant. Does this make any freaking sense? Its all so very confusing.

Dr. A suggested that if I decide to TTC again. I should come down for a follicular test as she thinks I am not ovulating (NEVER had that problem while TTC#1) and follow up with three Letrozole (Indian equivalent of Clomid) cycles. While TTC#1, my medicated cycles had all resulted in BFN, don’t see why it would be any different now.

But the fact is I Don’t know what I should do? The adoption process is well underway and I just CANNOT cancel this process, not if I want to look myself in the mirror everyday and not feel like low life hypocrite. 

The questions are endless:

1.       Do I want 3 kids?

2.       Do I try to fall pregnant just because my body craves it? Does his make any sense?

3.       Do I actually TTC#2 and go through month after month of BFNs and heartache?

4.       Should I EVEN be thinking about all this when I have so many other issues to deal with? My relation with M (which is improving, but we still have work to do, or my career?)

Its not that I am terribly unhappy but ‘this feeling’ lies just below the surface. I didn’t know this “ME”. I don’t know how to deal with this new layer in my character. I wish I could just forget about TTC#2 or even baby number 2. I want to be happy with my miracle son. Tell me how to just peel this layer and throw it away…

Moving on...

Now that the mess created by the Anon commenter is behind me, I can do what I love doing..Blog!
 This is going to be a bullet point post because a) I got a lot to share b) I am lazy!

• I am busy. With a almost 20 month old toddler it possible cannot be otherwise. But I am also busy with A (remember M's cousin brother who stays with us). He is 13 so you can imagine what I have to deal with. I am also pretty sick of my OCD when it comes to keeping the house clean. NOTE TO SELF: sweeping the house 10 times a day is STUPID, specially when you got a 20 month old!! I have started my research on dad and hope to get something done in that front soon. We'll also be launching our website on the 30th of May (more on that after the launch). The website is taking up a lot of time. I have also taken up some work from home projects. and I am super excited about doing a guest post for one of my favourite bloggers and an amazing human. So, yes..super busy but HAPPPY busy. I love earning money, hate asking others for money.
  
• I am in the middle of an arthritis flare up. I have learned to live with it now. I refuse to take steroids and am treating it with Ayurvedic medicine. As I said, learning to live with it.
  
• Danny starts school next month. Its actually play school, 3 hours everyday. Can't believe Danny will be going to school. Where is time flying. NOTE TO SELF: savour each moment before its gone.
  
• No news on the adoption front. MIL asked me to give away D's old swing and stroller. I was saving them for my daughter. They are a symbol of hope for me. If I give them away, I will feel like we are closing our doors. I know we can always buy new ones but for me, when we bought them, they were for D and and Aryana. Untill Aryana comes into our lives, they will stay put and take up space (as MIL said)
  
• Happy to have spent the last 15 days without M's granny. Not easy to stay with an 84 year old you know!
  
• I maybe jinxing myself but got to share this with you girls. Danny has not woken up at night for milk this week. He wakes up once still, for water (its crazy hot here). Way better then drinking formula thrice a night. Now fingers crossed that the trend continues.
  
• I attended a Buddhist meeting this Saturday. We sang a beautiful song there and I wanted to share it with you..here are the lyrics:
  
  
  Dare to believe there's a song in your heart
  Dare to believe in your dreams
  Nothing can stop you from playing your part
  As long as you dare to believe
  
  Too many people hold themselves back
  When they should be reaching out
  Too many people on the wrong track
  Led astray by a seed of doubt
  We don't have to live that way
  The sun is up on a brand new day
  
  Too many people say its al-right
  never seeing a need to change
  too many people hiding their light
  underneath a cloud of pain
  We don't have to bow our heads
  Lift them up sing joy instead
  
  And there's no time like the present time
  I am gonna go non stop, right now
  I have got something that I know is mine...
  
  

  PS: Just realized that today I completed four years of blogging! Wow!

What's with these comments?

Whoever you are, you made your point. You wanted to hurt me, did great..now please move on, and let me blog...Because unlike you I am not afraid. I don't hide behind anonymity...I know my life is a mess...but its my mess...you can just go take a hike...

I want to break free...

I want to dance like nobody is watching. Did I ever tell you how much I love dancing? I want to forget I am a mother, a wife, a sister, a daughter, a friend...I want to dance in celebration of ME...For a few moments, I just want to live for myself...

Marriage

You were born together, and together you shall be forevermore.
You shall be together when the white wings of death scatter your days.
Ay, you shall be together even in the silent memory of God.
But let there be spaces in your togetherness,
And let the winds of the heavens dance between you.

Love one another, but make not a bond of love:
Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls.
Fill each other's cup but drink not from one cup.
Give one another of your bread but eat not from the same loaf
Sing and dance together and be joyous, but let each one of you be alone,
Even as the strings of a lute are alone though they quiver with the same music. 

Give your hearts, but not into each other's keeping.
For only the hand of Life can contain your hearts.
And stand together yet not too near together:
For the pillars of the temple stand apart,
And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other's shadow.

Kahlil Gibran on Marriage