My 4am friends!

Thats you girls. When I typed out the post yesterday, It was just a cry for help. And then I saw this comment from Tracy and I actually burst out crying. I felt like an old dear friend had hugged me tight. And for the first time in 5 years, I didn't cry or fight when M came home. In fact I was fast asleep when came. And then today morning I saw more *hugs* from Aisha and Athena, and I KNEW what I had to do. Another good IRL friend sent me a message on FB today, asking me if I needed to talk. what she wrote in her message further made me look inside for my strength. Part of her message read "Totally understand if you don't, but just wanted to let you know that there is someone who knew you before all of this happened to you and I'm concerned that that person has been completely dwarfed by all these problems..."

I am copy pasting my reply to her here

Thanks so much XXX, for reaching out. Yes, I am battling a few problems but I am a fighter right? Its not easy, but then nobody promised me an easy life. I am fighting it and I will make it. M and I are having problems, maybe if things don't improve, I may walk out. But I am hopeful. I had a good conversation with him today. I told him that Danny will learn from him, what he does today, Danny will do tomorrow. THAT hit home. If something can change M, this is it. IF this doesnt work, I will be back in Delhi.

M is a good guy, don't get me wrong. Other then his need for his friends, he is perfect! Your last few words really hit home. The person I was? I don't want to lose her. Thanks for reminding me of myself, my strength.

The adoption process is tougher then I thought. But you know what keeps me going? Danny! I love him to bits. and for him and myself I will make sure I remain strong.

PS: I just realized i have typed out a whole blog post. :)

Thanks again.

I want to repeat what I told XXX. M is a good husband, a great father. The reason I am still with him. What M is today is because of his father. M's father wasn't much of a father. And when I told M today that Danny will be learning from him, I saw something change in his eyes. I saw something I have never seen before - sadness. M loves Danny more than his life. As I told my IRL friend, if ever there was a reason for M to change, THIS is it.

Now I wait. And see if he does change. But if doesn't, that will be my cue to make my exit. As Aisha said, when have to leave, you have to leave. But I am hopeful. You guys keep us in your prayers.

And you girls? YOU rock. THANKS SO MUCH.....I don't know what changed, but I needed to have this public display of weakness to find strength again.

What keeps me going?

THIS!!!!

Anger, Sadness and Guilt

I am angry. No, angry is a small word for what I am feeling right now. 

Remember the baby we wanted to adopt and who was sent to an orphanage instead? I never knew the reason behind the hospital administration decision. 

Untill today. M friend, the one who had given us all the information about the baby in the first place told me all about it today. Guess what happened? M’ friend told the hospital administration (of which he is also a part) to put send the baby to an orphanage because “the more I thought of it, the more I saw the baby, I realized that you wouldn’t want to adopt such a dark baby” straight from the horse’s mouth. The poor little baby was sent off to an orphanage because she is dark! 

She should have been here with me today. I should have been putting her to bed, holding her close. Instead, she is in some impersonal orphanage. Is he being fed okay? When my niece came to my sister from an orphanage, she was 3 months old and weighed 5 lbs. That’s how good the babies are cared for. I hope and pray the baby is adopted soon. Hope she NEVER meets a bigot like M’s friend. 

I feel so incredible sad. Things could have been so different if that bigot had just asked us for our opinion. For as long as I live, I would never be able to forgive that guy. I wanted to bite his head off. Scream “NO, that’s not how it works.”

I am also filled with guilt. M’s friends parting shot was “don’t worry, soon there will be a girl at the hospital who would be perfect for you”. Is that what I am praying for? For a baby to be abandoned by her family? For her to suffer from a loss so terrible we can never even comprehend it? 

I am devastated. I want my daughter.

Back...with a whimper

Yup, am back from Delhi. What a freaking trip! Remember my last post? Well, the very next day I was hit hard by a flu virus. A couple of days later Danny was down with viral fever. He became super clingy and refused to go to anyone. I finally gave up and asked M to come take us back. We came back today morning. M? he is my hero now. Hyderabad to Delhi is a 24 hour train journey. M took a train Saturday morning. Reached Delhi Sunday morning. We left for Hyderabad Monday morning and reached today morning and He left for work!

The one good thing about this trip was that I was able to meet my BFF after 2 years!

Today is the 12th right? I need toupdate you guys about my weight gain progress. Here it is. I LOST, yup LOST 2 lbs! Great eh? Skinny momma and skinny Danny have just become skinnier. sigh. Hope this coming month is better

I am going to catch up on all your blogs in the next few days. Must say I missed you people :)

Quick Update

Sorry for not commenting on your posts. I am in Delhi (my mom's place) and had no access to the Internet. Not feeling very good, mentally or physically. But there is one amazing news. Danny is sleeping 6 hours at a stretch! More on that later. muahhws