I, obviously, am the bitter infertile in this story. My friend N and I have been friends for over 17 years. N got married in February 2008 and got her BFP in April. I was 14-15 weeks along at that time. The news of her pregnancy was not tough on me, as I had my own miracle baby growing inside me. I was a little confused on how some people have it so easy? But otherwise, we went through our pregnancy together, and it was fun to have someone to share each and every aspect of this wonderful experience. Danny was born on 16th Sept at 37 weeks. N's son was born on 12th Dec at 39 weeks. There was a sense of competition straight away. Who is cuter? Who s the better mom? N actually asked my as to how Danny was so fair given that M is dark? and kept saying that her son should have been fairer given that both N and her DH are fair. I too, kept comparing our sons and how and when they met their milestones.
I started feeling a distance between us. She did not approve of My style of parenting. N's son still does not sleep through the night and asks to be breastfed at least 2-3 times a night. She posted on FB about this and asked what she should do. I replied wit what I had done - controlled CIO. and she replied "I am not that kind of a mom. I cant see my son crying". That really hurt me. and then when I met her in May this year she commented "Oh! Danny whines so much" Yes, Danny is a cry baby. he cries More than other kids but who likes to hear their friend say that in front of 10 other people?
And then it happened. I called N last week and she said "I have some news" I immediately blurted out "You are pregnant". and yes she is! She is 9 weeks along and had no idea she was pregnant. They were not trying and were not sure they wanted to continue the pregnancy. I swear I didn't expect the way I felt. I felt the same gut wrenching pain I used to feel earlier in the IF journey. I said "I am so jealous" She said why? You are adopting. She is absolutely right obviously. I am not even TTC (officially). I know my daughter will be here in a year or so. Yet, I felt that pain that I cannot even describe. It was so unreasonable. I just do not understand how people get pregnant *Just*Like*That!
I talked myself out of that pain somehow. I hugged danny, and thanked the universe for my little miracle. I know I needed to support N. So called her again yesterday. She has decided to continue with the pregnancy. I was 100% with her. and the she said "but why are you adopting? Why don't you to BD and it will be fun to pregnant together again." I lost it then. am not proud of it. I almost shouted "BECAUSE I CANNOT GT PREGNANT just like that. You think we haven't had unprotected sex these 2 years? It doesn't happen so easily to me." I guess I should have expected her response. I am not the only person who has trouble conceiving. But nobody else it seems cribs the way I do.
I should simply shut up about this infertility shit. That's what N said. I obviously have no right to feel pain and talk about it wit my friend of 17 years.
I no longer feel we are friends. It feel so sad but it feels like all we have in common now is our past. It hurts me. Would it have been the same without IF? Has infertility really made me so bitter and cynical?
24 comments:
Um, I'm sorry, but this falling out has NOTHING to do with you being cynical and bitter and everything to do with her being insensitive and mean. Seriously. I know how hard it is to let go of those long friendships but it does not sound like there is anything salvageable left with this woman.
I hope you find some friends that can better understand and emphasize with your feelings. You deserve that.
Your friend DOES NOT understand you. She does not get it.
Time to distance yourself from her.
Whoa, I agree with Esperanza.....N is SUPER insensitive. You should shut up about this infertility shit? I don't friggin' think so....it's part of who you are, and it's with you every single day. Sure, having an outburst doesn't make things better, but she really doesn't get it, does she? Sometimes we have to remove those people (and things) from our lives that are simply toxic. Hoping you find some valuable friends who accept all of you graciously...the light and the dark. :-)
I had a situation like this, although not as extreme. My friend didn't mean harm, but while I was trying to get pregnant, she asked if I could be the friend to call all the others when her baby was born. And then when he was born, pretty much threw him into my arms and said "here, wanna hold him?" And you know, makes jokes about her husband's super sperm and how everyone in their family gets pregnant on the first try. Yeah.
But anyway, there is a difference between being inadvertently insensitive and outwardly mean. N just sounds mean.
In my case, it was really hard to let go of a friend I've known since we were 9, and we still see each other, we're just not as close. I don't know if you can even do that with N, though.
Sorry to hear this.
N is clearly not being a friend. This has nothing to do with you, so don't feel bad! HOpe you can surround yourself with those who truly do get you :)
I'm so sorry. It's awful when your friends just don't get it.
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Your friend is a typical "smug fertile". I can't believe how insensitive and ignorant she is. First of all to say, "Why you bothered, you can adopt?"- yes, because that's the same. Secondly to say, "Don't adopt, get pregnant!" Oh thanks for that, if you hadn't said, it would have never have occurred to me. Yes, I just need to get pregnant. Now, just let me dig out my magic wand then we will be on the way.
Let me at her!
i'm so sorry you've had to deal with this. true friends understand and support even when they may not be in the same situation.
So sorry to hear! This stuff really blows and it's sad when you find out that someone you really thoguht you could count on is someone you can't count on at all.
Happy ICLW.
it's really truly so hard when your friends don't get it. i am so sorry your friend says hurtful things without realizing it.
wishing you the very best
xoxo
iclw
I'm sorry you are going through this with your 'friend'. I too have had to change friendships while dealing with IF and miscarriages. I think those that I don't feel comfortable with talking about things, I have pushed away as they are too insensitive/selfish to really care. Hopefully you have other women in your life that support you and validate you!
ICLW #105
It's so sad to lose friends on this crappy IF journey. Hopefully you can work it out.
@StolenEggs - ICLW#82
stopping by from ICLW. Your friend is very insensitive and I have a friendship lost over IF...she can't understand my viewpoint and things have gotten yucky. I hope you can lean on your friends who can understand your heart. Looking forward to following along in your journey! Your son is adorable by the way!
Hi from ICLW!
I'm sorry this happened to you. But, I agree with all the other comments...this is not about you being bitter and cynical! N clearly doesn't understand what you are going through. The are so many emotions, so much heartache and struggle and you need to be with people who, while they might not fully understand, will be there for you with advice, hugs or just silence and understanding.
I wish you the best.
I am so sorry you are going through this!! I agree with Esperanza. People don't need to be infertile to have compassion for their friends.
Oh, C, that story is really terrible. You're friend was really insensitive and inconsiderate towards you and your feelings.
How dare she say these things to you?! If she really were your friend, she would at least try to understand your pain and not treat you like that.
Every little thing you wrote about here from the time since your babies were born makes her seem like an awful person.
Lay the blame for the end of your friendship at her doorstep, not at yours!
BTW: love the picture of your little boy - he's so cute!
Some people will never understand. Although friends of mine don't fully understand they IF thing, they do try. I've made it clear to people that we are having issues with trying but I haven't gone into details as to what exactly is going on.
In this situation, I'd probably take a LONG break from talking to her. She is definitely not someone you need around when you're having to deal with IF.
Good luck to you!
<3 Kayla
(From ICLW)
I think everyone has already said everything and anything I wanted to say (and better than I could have), but I do want to add that this has nothing to do with you and everything to do with her. Seriously, why the competition? I suspect more is going on than she's shared with you. And shame on her for telling you that it's time to drop the whole infertility shit. Anyone who's walked a little while in these shoes nows that this is a life-changing experience. Frankly, you deserve better.
I wish you all the best as you continue on your adoption journey. Your son is beautiful. It's clear he has a mother who loves him dearly.
how horrible,
Hugs, some people can be so insensitive.
Please don't blame yourself she just doesn't understand the path you are on and the pain that it causes.
Hugs!!
ICLW #68
Hi from ICLW
I had a strained relationship with my best friend for several months after she found out she was pregnant. She wasn't even trying and I kept feeling like she was being insensitive to my issues. I dunno if that was just oversensitivity on my part or if she really was.
I was just starting to wonder if maybe our time as friends was over when things started to mend. But I was starting to prepare myself for the end of that friendship. Maybe your friendship has run its course.
Wishing you the best
I'm sorry mate- that is an awful situation to be in. I think I know how you feel and I really believe that if your friend was a more empathetic and sensitive person things would not have reached boiling point.
People often see us infertile women as over the top sensitive but what they fail to understand is that we have endured years and years of insensitive comments, hurtful remarks and the pain we carry reaches right down to the bottom of our hearts.
I hope your friend realised what an insensitive person she has been. If she doesn't- she really isn't worth it.
xxx
dear friend, enjoy your life and forget all what happened. happiness is the key to success, live your life for your son, he is very cute.
DEAR FRIEND,
forget all what happened with you, it was your past. you have very cute son. live your life for him and be happy. happiness is the key to success. wish you all the best
mahera
First, I want to say that I completely understand how sensitive this issue can be, and I am truly sorry for those who are dealing with IF. It is always hurtful when someone ignores or has little regard for your feelings, but, I'd like to shed a little insight on this from "the other perspective".
Again, I am aware of how IF can disrupt the lives of those affected by it, but the world does not revolve around you. You are not the only person with problems - no matter how minute you feel others' issues may be. It may be hard to imagine, but put yourself in the pregnant woman's shoes. Does she not have a right to rejoice about her pregnancy and/or birth? Does she not have a right to reveal every exciting detail that was endured during this joyous time in her (and the baby's) life? When you turn every little comment into an attack against you, you are making HER pregnancy be about YOU......and it's not.
Before you say that I cannot relate - let me assure you that is not the case. I suffered terrible injuries from a car accident many years ago that left several scars on my body. I HATE them. DETEST them with everything I have. I hate wearing long pants when it is 90 degrees outside, or having to shop for 3 hours to find a single swimming suit that I find "acceptable". Even still, it does not give me the right to be mean to the beautiful women who can flaunt their "flawless" skin (as I like to think of it). Why should the next woman feel guilty about showing her nice legs in a mini skirt because I feel that I am unable to?
I am not trying to undermine your feelings. Believe me, I understand. But in order to achieve some happiness, if only a little, you have to change your thought process. Your issue is your issue, it's not everyone else's. Don't make it their issue. Don't rely on them to respond to comments or questions about a preg. or birth the same, because they are not experiencing what you are.
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