Wednesday, March 23, 2011

Why I call myself an infertile

First of all, thank you for commenting on my last post. I got Typsy when she was a just a few weeks old. I miss her. This post is a scattering of thoughts. Forgive my wayward brain.

A couple of well meaning people have recently asked me why I insist on calling myself an infertile. After all, I have a baby and my IF journey was a minor hiccup when compared with the battles women out their fight with this life altering disease.

This post is a reply to them.

First of all, my IF journey was just that - MY journey. It was life altering. It changed me, it changed how I viewed life. It was my journey, it was my heartache, it was my gut wrenching desire for a baby. Don’t claim to understand how I felt.

But there is a bigger reason why I am so open about our struggle to conceive. I openly blog about it. Anyone can Google me and reach my blog and read all about it. I do it so women out there who are struggling with IF silently may reach out. We have NO support system here in India. And I just wish I could reach out to some people and maybe help them a little. Case in point: My friend D had been TTC#1 for 5 years. When I told her about my struggle she opened up. She cried. We talked about it a lot. I had the knowledge which helped her to nudge her RE to move forward to an IUI. D is currently expecting he first baby.

Another acquaintance N was TTC#1 for 7 freaking years. After we talked about it, we realized that HSG was not a part of the tests she had undergone till now, She went ahead and got a HSG done. Guess what? Both her tubes are BLOCKED! I so wanted to go out and sue her RE or something. What if she had known this a little earlier? How many years of heartache might she been saved of? She is currently undergoing IVF.

I am not just talking about infertility, I am just paying it forward.

The questions are starting again "when are you planning on your second baby?" "An only child really gets lonely, you should have another"

Will this ever end? I thought that once I have a baby, people will stay off my case. Not the case. Recently M’s 80 something granny asked me that she so desires me to have a little girl. When I told her that the baby will be here in a little over 3 years (unless we get to do a private adoption before that) she said she won’t be around for so long, that I should get pregnant and have a baby all ready. I am not working after all. I have all the time in the world!

The worst thing is that all these people know that we had trouble conceiving the first time around, still they insist on being the expert.

My MIL recently asked me to get an HSG. Why? Because I got pregnant a month after my HSG the last time around. Wow, just Wow…

I am saving the best for the last. I was discussing our adoption with a very close friend of mine, I was just bitching about the long wait and how tough it is when she came out with this gem “But what I don’t understand is why you need to adopt when you can have your own” own? You mean an adopted child won’t be mine? When I told her that TTC wasn’t easy for me she came out with another gem “Don’t try. Just don’t use BC and RELAX”.

Are you chuckling yet?

PS: I don't want to jinx it but the CIO (or my version of it "fuss it out") method seems to working. We are not yet sleeping through the night, but we are getting there.


WiseBursche said... Best Blogger Tips

If HSG led to pregnancy, I would have had a three year old running around the house.

I understand why you term yourself an IFer.

When Lola died and people expressed condolences, one of the things that came out was that I found number of people who had lived through baby loss, and yet they always assuage by saying - more, there will be more.

I am in shock about what has happened and the death of an individual, and I am being told to think of more, and more coz this person is dead and hence ceases to be.

Tracy said... Best Blogger Tips

A couple of things:
I think "well meaning" people are a challenge to our spiritual growth. We can react the way we always want to, or we can see them as temporarily insane teachers who are ignoring our very real suffering to tell us, ultimately, there IS nothing wrong with us. The delivery system doesn't change the message.
And C, I am amazed that there are not more women like you. I really don't understand why women are so reluctant to tell their stories to each other. Of COURSE we need each other. How else can we know how to navigate this life as women? Our own mothers can't possibly teach us everything.

Anonymous said... Best Blogger Tips

Continue being a bodhisattva of infertility, that is the only way to create medicine out of poison. As for those crazy people and their well meaning but crazy suggestions - I hear ya, sister. I'm still getting them and I'm in my 40s.

New Year Mum said... Best Blogger Tips

You're right this is your journey... and you should be able to say/ call yourself whatever you want. With you all the way xoxo

One perfect emby said... Best Blogger Tips

Yes I can totally relate to your frustration of people trying to help who have not suffered infertility..I was chuckling at the word RELAX...I do not openly discuss with my family and friends my infertility only a handful know but they do know my desire to have children just not the details..I cant tell them at this stage as I dont think I am mentally prepared to take on comments like you have had to experience for that reason

Aisha said... Best Blogger Tips

IF is not restrictive to simply people who have had to use AR- there is no infertility-olympics- IF is not being able to conceive after a year of trying- and there are all typs of people who fit into this.

I agree with you wholeheartedly- desis DO NOT talk about this- there isa weird sense of shame associated with it- and I try my best when I meet people who I know have not had children and its been a certain number of years to tell them of wha tI went through because if we can't support each other then what is the point of community??

Kudos to you for speaking out about it.

And, I am sorry for the loss of your dog. I just saw it. :( Thinking of you.

Anonymous said... Best Blogger Tips

I am an only child. It's not so bad.

"infertile" isn't a badge you earn. It's an experience. If you have experienced it, then you have the right to apply it to yourself.

Happy ICLW!

Julia said... Best Blogger Tips

Hooray for sleep. You are able to sleep all the way through the night soon! :)

Heather said... Best Blogger Tips

ooo that "just relax" comment had my blood boiling. I get that from my mother all the time! People just dont get it, do they?
About the HSG: I also had one and it didn't help me get pregnant. (What helped was the lap that removed the big fibroid). I think people are so STUCK on what worked for them they are not open to the many other possibilities or factors causing infertility, or that it can be unexplained. Best wishes to you.