Stuck!

Life is kinda stuck. Our adoption process has come to a grinding halt. Some of the documents we need are proving hard to procure. TTC journey is in a limbo too. We seem to have lost all energy to BD. TMI, but we BD only twice this month! I don’t know what’s wrong. Sex just doesn’t appeal anymore. IS it normal? Did you guys face anything like this? I need suggestions, girls....

Work is hectic and i am in the middle of an arthritis flare-up. All my joints are achy.

I just feel very, very exhausted...I do think I need to go to a doctor. I am not sleeping well at night and am feeling really unwell. Problem is that I am a hypochondriac and people generally don’t take me seriously, so I do tend to hide my ailments.

On a good note, Mallik told his grandmother about our adoption plans and she was surprisingly supportive! She did say that we should have one of our own too, but didn’t make any negative noise about adoption. I seriously didn’t expect that! So, am pretty happy about the acceptance our kid will get from Mallik’s family. And my family is super excited, there was never a problem from my family, they are super cool.

My Friend Dan is sending me some kind of a lucky charm from US. And am asking Nikki to lend me her lucky book ;-)
So that’s all from my end (not that people were waiting for my post with bated breath!). Till later...

A New Year, A New Life..

Happy New Year Everybody....

"We will open the book. Its pages are blank. We are going to put words on them ourselves. The book is called Opportunity and its first chapter is

New Year's Day."

AF arrived bang on time yesterday. And am proud to say I didn't shed a tear. I am happy I have a tomorrow to dream about... As long as we have our dreams, our hopes, life is worth living.


Here are a few pics of people i adore...











Aleah, the newest member of the family with big brother Aayaan!

Tuisha, Naisha, Aayan and Ananya -My Nieces and nephew












My Soul Mate







My family - greatest treasure

My Brother, my best friend with my nephew, the love of my life

These are the people who make life worth living. Their smiles make my day. A simple hello over the phone makes me feel in top of the world. I know I have a family just a call away. A family who have always stood together. I have not been able to add the pics of my three elder sisters and brother in laws. They are my guardian angels. I was 16 when dad died. My brother was mere 11. It was my sisters and BILs who held our hands and saw us through to the other side. I owe them so much, yet they expect nothing from me! I am truly blessed. They are my best Friends, my only friends...

PS: We made that call to the adoption agency yesterday. Time to seek a new direction in life. And here is to a new cycle.......

Careful what you wish for...

It may just come true...Has the wish really come true? A wish made in complete ignorance? Mallik and I didn’t want a baby. We had decide that we would have a ‘no baby’ life.. my sister kept telling me not to wish for something like this, but I couldn't care less. In fact I had a gut feeling that even if we wanted we couldn’t have a baby. That’s the reason why I never was on BCPs. It was up to Mallik to prevent us getting pregnancy and he took his responsibility very seriously.

But then in early April 2007 an accidental unprotected romp in the hay resulted in a BFP on 16th April. Yeah I remember the dates...
I was excited and terrified at the same time. Excited because the BFP meant I COULD fall pregnant, and terrified because we were not ready to have a child. I went to the doctor who gave me progesterone and asked us to wait as I had tested really early (14DPO) and the line was really faint. The next 10 days changed my life. Mallik wasn’t sure about continuing and I was always weepy...but I started feeling like a mother. I felt like protecting the tiny flame of life that was struggling inside me... On the 27th of April I started bleeding... I cried like I had never cried before. I knew I had lost my baby. Was it a chemical pregnancy? That’s what I thought at that time. Now am not sure.. .

Aaryana, that’s the name I had thought for her. Did she leave because she felt so unwelcome in my body? I had joined a gym on 1st April...so when the life was trying to take hold inside my womb I was working out like crazy.. I did stop after I got the BFP. Was that why I lost the baby? I have never stepped inside the gym after that...I feel so guilty. For all the negative energy I gave Aaryana, each time we discussed abortion, my going to the gym...We have been trying since then (June 200) and with each passing month the feeling that Aaryana will never ever come back is becoming stronger..

I know I can adopt, I anyhow had planned to have one biological child and one adopted...but I still cannot get rid of the feelings of guilt. Mallik asked me yesterday about my cycle day...when I told him it was CD20 he said “oh we missed the egg this month” The look of complete sadness on his face broke my heart. I know it’s not my fault but I still can’t forgive myself....

We have been diagnosed with 'UNEXPLAINED INFERTILITY' i wish I HAD a problem. At least then I could have looked for a cure... All I hear now is "have patience"

HSG, here I come

AF arrived yesterday. I am actually doing pretty OK now. My doctor is a damn good lady. Spending just a few minutes with her fills me with positivity. She wants me to go for HSG on the 9th of this month and she did warn me that it may get painful. My elder sister has already warned me about it. She went through the whole gamut of IF treatments -- HSG, Lap, IUI, IVF. Finally adopted a beautiful little girl who turns 7 today. Happy Birthday Renee!!!

My sister and hubby don't want me to go through such painful procedures. But I need to. Its been 17 months now and I do think i deserve a few answers.

On a side note:

I don't know how I will deal with pregnancy and motherhood. Everyone around me says that I will make a good mom. But my arthritis scares me. Will I have energy? I feel drained out even now. Cleaning up the house, cooking, a full time job (for which i have to travel almost 3 hours everyday, and we CANNOT afford for me to stay at home), a husband who is studying law along with a full time job, my studies, a 10 year old brother-in-law who needs constant attention. Thank God hubby helps around the house. I feel guilty at times because I know he is working very hard for us. But I just cannot manage it all on my own.

Things I am looking forward to:

DRINKING - That bottle of wine has been calling me for days now. I can finally have a sip!

MASSAGE - I am taking Ayurvedic treatment for my arthritis, and the whole body massages are one of the main part of the treatment. I was unable to get a massage for the last 5 months (COSTLY), This month finally I can take my weekly massages. One word for them "HEAVEN"!!

OFFICE PARTY - I am part of a small team in office who are organize parties and team building events in office. Our New Year Eve bash is something I am really looking forward to.

VACATION- This is my favourite part. Hubby and I are going away for a 5 day vacation during the Xmas Hols. We really need this break. we are going to a sea resort called Surya Lanka.

Oh, is that you Aunt Flow?

Dear Aunt Flow,

Been waiting for you since 27th....I thought you were here, with all the pink pain you left behind, but then yo just disappeared.... Hey cruel you...you knew I would suspect Implantation bleeding..damn right I did..Hopes Hopes.... But a BFN today (CD31)...and NOW I see you have decided to grace me with your presence... Stop Playing with me YOU WITCH............. oops didn't want to get abusive, but you know all those hormones.....................

Love always,
C

TTC Diary: The pain gets overwhelming at times..Like today.... I cried, and he held me...I needed his support today and feel lucky that he was there..no smart comments, no false hopes, just a strong shoulder to cry on.... Thanks Mallik...............I love you.....

Why ME?

I guess all of us ask this at some point of our life... and the feeling gets worse when you are TTC. Last two days have been harrowing for me to say the least. I started spotting on the 29th (14DPO), continued spotting through 30th and till today morning. Got my hopes up. STUPID.

I was feeling sick, nausea, couldn't eat anything and terrible cramps. I just felt pregnant. and so I did the stupid thing, yes, i POAS yesterday evening BFN!!! how did i feel? pain, unbearable pain. Maybe it was because it wasn't FMU? why do i keep fooling myself?

Went to the doctor today morning. She asked me to wait for three days as this delay and all this spotting is due to the bloody Progesterone tablets i have been taking....and when the AF arrives with full force, have to visit her again. The doc said " oh, I tell all my patients that its just 40% chance, so don't get your hopes up" shut the fuck up bitch. I know my chances. Have been on this boat for the last 17 months or so...so gimme a break OK? I think AF is coming full on now. What a bitch...what was she doing these two days? MOCKING me???????

My husband was just speaking to his friend this morning. Was asking about what they were naming their new born. It simply tore me apart. DH will make an amazing father...Cant I just give him this one thing? How long?I read about those wonderful women who go through this for years... I don't think I am strong enough to do that.....

The WITCH

Yes, she has arrived. Started spotting sometime back. I still want to hold onto some sort of hope "Implantation bleeding maybe?" but who am I fooling? I lost again. What are we doing wrong? everything seemed perfect this time. Perfect ovulation, my perfect egg. It was 24mm. progesterone, perfect timing, less stress..did everything possible. I don't know how long I can deal with this.

All the doctor says is : you are perfect. Just relax" WTF. How do I relax? Is this just bad Karma? Am I just not supposed to have a baby? I feel too tired to try again. I am losing this battle......

Maybe this is as good as it gets...

I couldn't resist...yesterday was 13DPO, and I tested..yup you guessed it.BFN!!! yawn so what is new in that.. I didn't even feel upset... i mean as upset as i generally get.. I am tired of being sad and bitter... I want a baby... I want to give DH the best gift possible, but there is nothing I can do now...

We have given ourselves a deadline now. We try till my 30th Birthday (26th March, 2009). Then we start walking the adoption path... painful as it is, I need sanity in life... I need to go back to loving myself, I need to have an hours conversation without mentioning Ovulation. TTCing, BFP, cervical Mucus.... I need to watch a movie and not get all teary.... I need to start living again. I need to make love to my husband without worrying about position and timing....

Edit:

I am scared of going to the bathroom. I DONT want to see the red witch today.... But I can feel her coming, and I can feel the tears too.. I am at work and really dont want to have a howling sessio here. All I want is to be alone, but I have a workshop to conduct. Need to practice my fake smile again...

12DPO

today is 12DPO...had severe cramps Saturday and Sunday, went to the doctor who said that I have an urine infection...feeling better today..... doctor doesn't want me to test until 1st Nov..long way offffffffffffffffffffffff......................


The party on Sunday was a big hit..finally felt like people in my husbands family accepted me, and am proud that I never gave up my individuality ti fit in..

Tomorrow is Diwali.. its huge Indian festival so lot planned for that...

all of you beautiful girls out there...you may not know what Diwali is, But I still wish you a very happy Diwali..God Bless....