Careful what you wish for...

It may just come true...Has the wish really come true? A wish made in complete ignorance? Mallik and I didn’t want a baby. We had decide that we would have a ‘no baby’ life.. my sister kept telling me not to wish for something like this, but I couldn't care less. In fact I had a gut feeling that even if we wanted we couldn’t have a baby. That’s the reason why I never was on BCPs. It was up to Mallik to prevent us getting pregnancy and he took his responsibility very seriously.

But then in early April 2007 an accidental unprotected romp in the hay resulted in a BFP on 16th April. Yeah I remember the dates...
I was excited and terrified at the same time. Excited because the BFP meant I COULD fall pregnant, and terrified because we were not ready to have a child. I went to the doctor who gave me progesterone and asked us to wait as I had tested really early (14DPO) and the line was really faint. The next 10 days changed my life. Mallik wasn’t sure about continuing and I was always weepy...but I started feeling like a mother. I felt like protecting the tiny flame of life that was struggling inside me... On the 27th of April I started bleeding... I cried like I had never cried before. I knew I had lost my baby. Was it a chemical pregnancy? That’s what I thought at that time. Now am not sure.. .

Aaryana, that’s the name I had thought for her. Did she leave because she felt so unwelcome in my body? I had joined a gym on 1st April...so when the life was trying to take hold inside my womb I was working out like crazy.. I did stop after I got the BFP. Was that why I lost the baby? I have never stepped inside the gym after that...I feel so guilty. For all the negative energy I gave Aaryana, each time we discussed abortion, my going to the gym...We have been trying since then (June 200) and with each passing month the feeling that Aaryana will never ever come back is becoming stronger..

I know I can adopt, I anyhow had planned to have one biological child and one adopted...but I still cannot get rid of the feelings of guilt. Mallik asked me yesterday about my cycle day...when I told him it was CD20 he said “oh we missed the egg this month” The look of complete sadness on his face broke my heart. I know it’s not my fault but I still can’t forgive myself....

We have been diagnosed with 'UNEXPLAINED INFERTILITY' i wish I HAD a problem. At least then I could have looked for a cure... All I hear now is "have patience"

What Nobody Told You About Trying to Conceive...

That unprotected sex doesn't necessarily lead to pregnancy.That your sex life would start to resemble a science experiment.That you would see your OBGYN/RE more often than your DH at O time.That the longer you TTC, the more PG women spring up around you.That deep down inside, I can be a very jealous person.That one day you wouldn't mind checking your CM or CP to see if it is your fertile period.That I should have gone to medical school like my mom wanted, because I've had to do so much medical research by now just to figure out what was wrong with me, I might as well be an M.D.That I would know more about the female reproductive system and menstrual cycle than most of the doctors I go to.That living your life in 2 week increments would be the normThat you never knew how much you wanted to see those 2 pink lines......until only one shows up every monthThat simply relaxing will NOT get you pregnant. (your dh has to do some work too)That you have no control over some of the goals you set...That wishing really hard for something doesn't make it happen, and staring at your chart doesn't make it change!That one day my DH would know so much about how my uterus functions and what it looks like from the inside (thanks HSGs).That a pregnancy doesn't always equal a baby.That miscarriage is so common.That I would wish we had started TTC earlier.That my friends' pregnancies would start to make me sad instead of happy.

That I wasted ALOT of money on Birth control pills!!That it would help bring a group of wonderful, caring, funny, empathetic women together like this.That I would EVER be willing to stick a little blue pill up my hoo-haa (estrace pill...done vaginally),That I'd EVER be willing to stab myself in the stomach or @ss every day in the hopes that it will help get me PG.That it wouldn't happen the first time you didn't use birth control like we were led to believe in school.That you wouldn't know how important a baby was to you until it took so long and you realized what you were willing to go through to make it happen.That family would act like getting pregnant was a competition between all the young couples in the family, and the first one to get pg "wins".That my DH is the most wonderful and caring man!That it is insensitive to ask people when they are having a baby!Tat women who do get pregnant are so very blessed!That I could have been rich saving money on condoms, which were obviously unecessary.That I would be happy to see abundant cervial fluid and tell my DH about it.


That other people's "good news" of pregnancy makes me sad and when they tell me they have good news, I hope that they just saved a bunch of money on car insurance by switching to Geico.That medicine and procedures are not a sure fire way to get pregnant but it is a sure fire way to lose money fast.That had I bought stock in Clearblue Easy I'd have my mansion on St. Pete's Beach in FL by now.That docs should prescribe Zoloft with Clomid.That having flo show up makes you cry, no matter who's bathroom you are in.That it does not get easier, each cycle is harder than the last.Feeling like you wish your life away in 2 week increments.That I wouldn't want to hold or see someone's baby because it just hurts way too much.That a group of "strangers" who I will probably never meet, have now become my "best friends" when it comes to ttc.That I would splash urine on my face while taking apart an hpt in the hopes there really was a 2nd pink line hiding in it.That talking about sex with fellow TTCers would be so easy.That infertility is more common than you think.That DH would get used to doing his 'thing' in a jar.That one day all of this will make us stronger.

The Unseen Life

How do you mourn the loss of something that didn’t even exist? How do you say bid adieu to someone a soul who enriches enriched your life, changes you forever—without even existing?Last April….The day had started like any. I had woken up happy and contended, a feeling that had been elusive these last few months. But finally everything was falling into place for me. After months of struggling with an inter-regional marriage, people around me seemed inclined to give me a chance. I was finally going for that long over due honeymoon… and I had that great job lined up…yes, life was felt good that day.As I brushed my teeth, I had felt a sudden shrill pain on me lower abdomen. It was gone even before I realized it. “Well, its time” I had thought wearily. My periods were 2 days overdue, and I was never late. “What if…” I had left that thought unfinished, it was highly improbable; just one unprotected accident was unlikely to be the reason behind my late period.But as the thought lingered on. I had felt a slight thrill.. “What if..”“A penny for your thought” a smiling hubby had said as he watched me stand with that loony smile on my face. “Well, I think you better go and buy me that Home Pregnancy Test” I had told him with that a naughty grin.I hadn’t expected him to be back within 30 minutes with the HPT. My hubby was had been trying hard to be the good husband, but for him the HPT was nothing but another of my eccentric fancies.At 28, I was still a child. My hubby called me ‘my little woman’.“Should I do it”? I had asked excitedly, taken up with the idea of trying something new. Without even waiting for his response, I ran to the bathroom. I came out victoriously holding the test. “There I did it, If I was pregnant, there would have been another line right there” I pointed out to my hubby. “You mean that faint line”? “Which line”? I hurriedly took the test from his hand. The faint blue line was pretty evident now.“Oh Shit!” I felt the world blurring around me. Yes, I was pregnant.I had decided to wait for another day. There had been cases of false positive tests. I had been certain that I couldn’t possibly be pregnant. I was too young. I had been married for only 1 year.I was restless. I thought of my honeymoon plans. “Everything will be ruined”. I rued. Why? why now? Just when everything was falling into place. Finally when I could start enjoying my marriage. Why did this have to happen and rock my world?I had gone out and bought another test. The line was still faint, but it was there. As if the life in there was shouting “I EXIST”.My hubby had taken me to the doctor after coming back from office. The doctor told us that it was most likely that I was pregnant. But the line was too faint for anything to be certain. She had asked me to wait for a few days, to have patience.I sat with my hubby, numb. Nothing was discussed. It was obvious that we were not ready for the child.But something was happening to me. Unknown to me, a feeling of tenderness had crept in, tenderness for the life that was struggling inside my womb. Life that wanted to survive, that wanted see the green trees, the blue sky. “Maybe it will be a girl”, and maybe she too would like Elvis”. I sat dreaming, looking out of the window. Unconsciously touching my abdomen.Suddenly I realized! I was going to be a mother. My body had already accepted the fact. It was evident from the way I climbed the stairs, careful not to hurt my tummy. From the way I ate a little extra, as if already the life was seeking nurture from the world outside. Life suddenly took on new colours that I had never comprehended in all my 28 years on the planet.But my hubby went on with his life, oblivious to the fact that I was changing, that I no longer looked towards him for happiness. The doctor had asked us to come after 10 days. He was just counting the days, so I could pop that tablet, and this unwanted ‘worry’ could be put out of our minds. He was busy planning for our honeymoon…Seven days after the appearance of the faint blue line, as I stood in the kitchen, watching the milk boil over…dreaming of her “AAryana” that’s the name I had picked for her…suddenly she screamed with pain. A sudden throbbing pain shot through my abdomen. I clutched myself and ran to the bedroom. I tried to sleep. But the pain was so acute that I couldn’t sleep. I felt a sudden dread creep in. I went to the loo, and yes there it was, a drop of blood.I had struggled to go to bed, I sat there, without thoughts, without emotions…That’s how my hubby found me when he came back from office. “WEhat happened sweetheart”? My hubby had asked worriedly.I had looked up at him, with that blank dead look. And then I burst out, hugging him tightly, I had let the tears flow… “The baby is gone, the baby is gone” I kept repeating….He had held me, feeling my pain but not understanding it.He had taken me to the doctor, where the doctor had told us in a very matter opf factly, fact way that this was an early miscarriage. 80% of the women go through this, In fact if we hadn’t gone for that HP Test, we would have just thought of it as a late period!But I knew. I knew it wasn’t just a late period. It was my baby.

For days, I mourned the loss of ‘something that didn’t exist” for the world. In medical terms it was just a ‘false positive’, a fertilized egg that the uterus didn’t hold. How could I explain to anyone? Most people probably thought I was over it as no one asked me how I was doing, not even my best friends. Maybe they thought they shouldn’t bring it up. Most people thought that it wasn’t that far along so it shouldn’t be that big a deal. As if it shouldn’t hurt because I couldn’t feel it. No one else understands the emotional pain you go through months and months after a miscarriage. It feels like it will never go away. Not a day went by that I didn’t think about it what seems like a million times.I will now be terrified with my next pregnancy, no room for happiness thinking something could go wrong again.Things did get easier. I eventually stopped crying, could see other babies, could hold other babies. But I still feel alienated when people talk about other people’s babies and show me baby stuff.It was an accident. We were not even ready for a baby at that time. Yet it hurt so badly when I lost the baby. Life goes on, but the fact is what I lost was also my baby, a baby I would never hold or see. ‘That life’ will never be a part of my life.