The WITCH

Yes, she has arrived. Started spotting sometime back. I still want to hold onto some sort of hope "Implantation bleeding maybe?" but who am I fooling? I lost again. What are we doing wrong? everything seemed perfect this time. Perfect ovulation, my perfect egg. It was 24mm. progesterone, perfect timing, less stress..did everything possible. I don't know how long I can deal with this.

All the doctor says is : you are perfect. Just relax" WTF. How do I relax? Is this just bad Karma? Am I just not supposed to have a baby? I feel too tired to try again. I am losing this battle......

Maybe this is as good as it gets...

I couldn't resist...yesterday was 13DPO, and I tested..yup you guessed it.BFN!!! yawn so what is new in that.. I didn't even feel upset... i mean as upset as i generally get.. I am tired of being sad and bitter... I want a baby... I want to give DH the best gift possible, but there is nothing I can do now...

We have given ourselves a deadline now. We try till my 30th Birthday (26th March, 2009). Then we start walking the adoption path... painful as it is, I need sanity in life... I need to go back to loving myself, I need to have an hours conversation without mentioning Ovulation. TTCing, BFP, cervical Mucus.... I need to watch a movie and not get all teary.... I need to start living again. I need to make love to my husband without worrying about position and timing....

Edit:

I am scared of going to the bathroom. I DONT want to see the red witch today.... But I can feel her coming, and I can feel the tears too.. I am at work and really dont want to have a howling sessio here. All I want is to be alone, but I have a workshop to conduct. Need to practice my fake smile again...

Luteal Phase?

Ok, so here is the problem. I have a 30 day cycle, so AF should arrive on the 2nd (M damn regular)..but I ovulated on the 15th, so according to the 14 day luteal phase rule, should be getting a visit frm miss spot on the 29th..hmmm..... does this mean tht i was actually ovulating late in the previous cycles?...

My Little Bean...

I saw my egg..yupieeee...was amazing to just see it...the smile on my face would have prompted people to think that i was pregnant.. but what do they know of the relief of knowing that your body is normal :) maybe this is the month? fingers crossed... i O on day 13. BD on day 9, 11, 12, 13, 14... so seems like we had it covered... not thinking ahead of time but well u know hard it is... :)

The bean was 24mm on CD12, good aint it? :)