Wordless Wednesday

21

 21 months!! Danny is now going to school. Three hours a day/five days a week. He couldn't have been happier. He is now completely potty trained and speaks three languages. Trying hard to teach him a fourth. He is skinny...under fiver percentle for weight and in the 25th percentile for height. But he is adorable..for ME :). I love more each day. He is one smart cookie and knows how to get his way. When he wants something he will beg his dada "Dada PLEAJE" ...and has learned some good manners too. Never forgets to say "thank you mamma" when I give him something.

Are you happily married?

I was just reading Mel’s latest post where she wrote about her relation with her husband. While I was reading it, I felt my heart grow heavier...That was ‘us’! That’s how M and I were as a couple. We completed each other. So what went wrong? Actually M doesn’t think or realize that something is wrong. He loves me. And I still adore him. Yet, I am not happy. Is it just me? Do I have some unrealistic expectation from this marriage? What exactly do I want? M asks me that every time I try and talk this out with him. The problem is ‘I don’t know’! My IRL friends tell me that I am the lucky one, that they would have loved to have a husband like mine.

M just completed his LLB and is now pursuing LLM. That’s his passion. I don’t begrudge him that. I am completely blown away by his will to pursue his passion. He goes to college during the mornings then does 2pm to 10pm office shift. Comes home, and ‘tries’ to be as good a father as he can be. Although, he is slacking in this department off late, but according to my friends, I have it good. That their husbands don’t help them out AT ALL.

The thing is, I don’t compare M with others. He is not doing as well as he could have financially. But I am okay with that. I don’t hold that against him. After all, it’s me who is not working and contributing to the household income.

I know he loves me. So what is it? Maybe it is the fact that we hardly have any physically intimacy anymore? One of the things I have always complained about is him spending too much time with his friends. He still does that. But that is not the only problem. The problem is that even if he is home a whole weekend, I am not happy. We sit together, watching TV, having nothing to talk about. Or he sleeps. No, I am not painting a genuine picture here. Its not all gloomy. M is happy, he cracks jokes. He doesn’t understand why I am unhappy. But I want to talk. I want to laugh with him again.

I don’t care if he spends half of his weekends with his friends. I am realizing its quality of time I need, not quantity. But how do I do it? How do I become the people we were? Both of us? Because I know I have changed too. And the only person I can expect to change is me. Funnily enough, this has nothing to do with Danny’s birth. The rut started before Danny was born. It has just become increasingly worse. One of the biggest reason is that I DONOT have a life outside of M. I don’t make friends easily. I need people who understand my eccentricity and accept them before I can become friends with them. The women I am surrounded by here, though wonderful in their own way, are just not the people I can hang around with.

This weekend was so wonderful because I got to hang around with my SILs, drink and laugh, and TALK. It was wonderful. I realized how much missed all that.

I understand that problem in my marriage is more because of ME then HIM. But the point is, how do I change that? I love M. I seriously do. As Mel talked about in her post, M too is that missing piece of my brain. I cannot imagine life without him. I tried. I went to Delhi, thinking I would see how it feels. Stayed away from him, didn’t call. I was MISERABLE!

Is this how all marriages are?

Welcome ICLWers and some random thoughts

How long has it been? How long has been since I first became a mom? When I changed forever? 4 long years. Yet, the memories rush in sometimes and leave me i tears. I look at Danny and wonder what s/he would have looked like. How different would life have been? I know these are questions with no answers, yet I do think of them...Not always, in fact after Danny's birth, that memory has become less painful. But there are days like today when it feels like just yesterday.

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Welcome ICLWers!! I appreciate you dropping in to say hi. I havent been much of a blogger this last few weeks (as my last post explains) but I am getting back into the groove and your comments are just the fuel I need to get me back to action!!!

What do I tell you about me? I much more then just my IF journey. I am an Indian, a Buddhist. A SAHM who was formerly an Editorial Manager. I miss working, yet just cannot bring myself to leave Danny behind to start working again full time (and ahem, nobody seems to want to hire me either because I am TOO experienced) I write to reach out to people. I am honest to a fault, and my blog posts have landed me in numerous troubles because I have refused to be anonymous (too much self love can be destructive eh? )

The one thing I hate about myself? Being a hypochondriac!

The one thing I love about myself? I NEVER give up. No matter what happens, no matter what depths of hell I am in (believe me I have seen some shitty hells in my 32 years of life), I rise (thus the phoenix in my url!)

Whats happening in my life right now? My husband M and I are trying to fix our marriage. and also pursuing adoption. I want to TTC# 2 too, but am not sure about that as yet. M is a good father and a good husband too, but he is yet ti learn to be a good partner. And I need to stop being too needy.

Okay, enough about me, go ahead tell me about yourself!

The days gone by...

...were tough. 'things' happened in real life since I last posted.

M's maternal grandfather died of cancer.
My MIL's grandmother fell ill and is in the hospital right now.
My Friend N got a BFP after years of TTC and IVF, it ended in a miscarriage.
My freind K's MIL was diagnosed with Cervical cancer. Currently undergoing chemo.
 My BFF ND had 2 freaking surgeries to remove some lump from her breast. She has a son three months younger than Danny.
My next door neighbor, whom I really admire and respect, and who is one of the best humans I know, had a stroke. He is just 45.
 Two of my good friends, C and P, found out that their husbands have been chheating on them. P has been married for the last 19 years. C got married in January this year.
There was a huge storm here and my net connection bonked out. Couldn't send an article on time. Lost my freelance job.
My marriage has a long way to go before it can be called happy.
Finances were (still is actually) crappy. SO crappy that I wrote this mail to my sisters.
"how are you girls? I miss being near my family actually. But in a way I am glad. I am so gladdd you all are doing well..actually everyone seems to be doing well, everyone but us that is. I don't envy you but I do feel with each passing day that I live in a different world. I feel bad that sooner than LATER Danny will realize that he is not the same as his cousins. I hope we can make enouh money before Danny is old enough to understand all this. But honestly it doesn'nt feel good to be poor. I hope we can make things better. It just feels so lonely at times..."

I needed to be there with these people. I love them all so much But my body just revolted against me. I used to wake up in the morning feeling like I had jut run a marathon. I was exhausted and my body hurt, every inch of it. I tried to reach out to these wonderful people..but the constant pain and tiredness kept pushing me towards the dark hell of depression.    I needed this time IRL to work on myself. My partner in my spiritual journey P told me that I was wasting so much energy on thinking. I was letting my intellect rule me, instead of letting my spirit soar. It was so true! I was convinced that I had cancer. I was too scared to go to the doctor. I decided to immerse myself in Faith, Study and Practice. Slowly I emerged....Things are still tough..but I am now concentrating on strengthening my spiritual core. I am trying not to think about spirituality. I am trying to feel it instead.

PS: Thanks JJiraffe and Surly Mama for thinking of me.

What is happiness for you?

You should be happy. You have everything you ever wanted. Life is complete. But you feel that gnawing hole in your existence. Something is missing. Something so intangible, that you don’t even know what it is, forget about getting it. Maybe that’s how life is supposed to be. Maybe it is just not possible to be completely happy and satisfied. Maybe but I just can’t accept that. There cannot be any other reason for our existence but to be happy. All we do, every action of ours is in pursuance of happiness.

So why are we never truly and completely happy? Why is there something missing in life, no matter what we achieve or possess?

Personally I believe that the happiness comes in the working for the desired goal, not in achieving it. Couples that are always WORKING at making their marriage successful are happy because they are not content to sit back and say, “Well, I’m now happy, nothing else to do.” Getting our home or yard decorated or landscaped is fun while we are doing it. Not in standing on the sidewalk with our hands on our hips looking at it. We often THINK that when we are done we will then be happy, not so. Anticipating a long vacation, planning, arranging details, making reservations is often more engrossing and rewarding than actually doing the anticipated activities.

Music!! yup, music makes me happy. Can any one not like music? I thrive on music.  I love music whether it’s the swing of jazz, energy of rock, depth of blues or the head banging noise of heavy metal; I lap it all up.
Music is the universal language that speaks to everyone. I may not understand a word of a Spanish song, but its beats, rhythm, its life is enough to make me alive to it. I cannot sing, but I admire and envy those who can. Music makes me alive, it gives my life a meaning even when all else fails to lift my spirits. Listening to a good piece of music can make a thousand miserable moments worth living for. When you hear your favourite song, you feel its being played especially for you, you feel you foot tapping. Music not only touches your body but engulfs your soul too.
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Today I am at peace..not because someone gave me an expensive gift, but because I am living my life from my heart....its a beautiful world, if u see it from my eyes...I was upset till I was expecting another to make me complete, till I was waiting for another to fill my life with happiness, and the moment I looked inwards, into my soul, I found all the happiness in the world, all the love in the world.....

Today I know what Buddha meant when he said ‘you, more than anyone else in this world, deserve your love and affection’...I sure do .....

I wish my soul was always so steady and loving...but I know that’s not possible...I will falter..but my real courage will be in getting up...

So I am not someone who will earn in millions, I am not someone who will win a beauty pageant; I am not someone who will win a prize for literature...

I am still special....because I am me!!!!.....I am as special as the birds and the trees....so I don’t have big ambitions, if only I can make a person smile, if only I can make one person happy for a moment...that’s a life well lived......

Don’t love me because I am intelligent, beautiful or successful, love me because I am me...the soul that loves the God in every being,
‘I believe in angels, something good in everything I see....’..for the first time I am writing something without caring that someone might read it...........FREEDOM!!!!