This is my second post of the day...I just feel so hopeless right now...I want to keep hoping for a better tomorrow. That was how I was. Where did the real chhandita disappear? I want her back, I need her back. This TTC journey is taking away so much from my soul. AF is due tomorrow and I am mourning already. Another cycle gone without the happiness I see in so many faces. The joy of knowing that another life is taking shape inside your body. The joy of knowing that the love you share with your DH has finally taken a new dimension.
I want this pain to go away. Please tell me I can't have a baby so I can stop dreaming of one and move on with my life. Dr Brian Weiss says that we choose the life to learn what we need to learn and move on spiritually. What am I learning here? Maybe, the question to ask is, What do I need to learn..
1. Learn to be happy for others
2. Patience
3. Learn to have hope
... Am trying to hold onto my sanity here. So here is my new year resolution. I will get the real Chhandita back. I again will be the Sunshine girl (the nickname my friends gave me). I will again look at the new sun and feel hope. I will learn to dream again. I will laugh till I have tears in my eye. I will make others smile. 2009. Baby or no baby, I will reclaim my soul. I will not ALLOW IF to destroy me.
Yes, I will be Me again! best of luck to me.
As Good As It Gets?
Wednesday, December 31, 2008
New Year's Morning
I saw this new year poem...I thought t was beauitful so wanted to share it with you girls....I hope 2009 is the year for us....
Only a night from old to new!
Only a night, and so much wrought!
The Old Year's heart all weary grew,
But said: "The New Year rest has brought
The Old Year's hopes its heart laid down,
As in a grave; but trusting, said:"
The blossoms of the New Year's crown
Bloom from the ashes of the dead.
"The Old Year's heart was full of greed;
With selfishness it longed and ached,
And cried: "I have not half I need.
My thirst is bitter and unslaked.
But to the New Year's generous hand
All gifts in plenty shall return;
True love it shall understand;
By all y failures it shall learn.
I have been reckless; it shall be
Quiet and calm and pure of life.
I was a slave; it shall go free,
And find sweet pace where I leave strife."
Only a night from old to new!
Never a night such changes brought.
The Old Year had its work to do;
No New Year miracles are wrought.
Always a night from old to new!
Night and the healing balm of sleep!
Each morn is New Year's morn come true,
Morn of a festival to keep.
All nights are sacnavy nights to make
Confession and resolve and prayer;
All days are sacnavy days to wake
New gladness in the sunny air.
Only a night from old to new;
Only a sleep from night to morn.
The new is but the old come true;
Each sunrise sees a new year born.
- Helen Hunt Jackson
Only a night from old to new!
Only a night, and so much wrought!
The Old Year's heart all weary grew,
But said: "The New Year rest has brought
The Old Year's hopes its heart laid down,
As in a grave; but trusting, said:"
The blossoms of the New Year's crown
Bloom from the ashes of the dead.
"The Old Year's heart was full of greed;
With selfishness it longed and ached,
And cried: "I have not half I need.
My thirst is bitter and unslaked.
But to the New Year's generous hand
All gifts in plenty shall return;
True love it shall understand;
By all y failures it shall learn.
I have been reckless; it shall be
Quiet and calm and pure of life.
I was a slave; it shall go free,
And find sweet pace where I leave strife."
Only a night from old to new!
Never a night such changes brought.
The Old Year had its work to do;
No New Year miracles are wrought.
Always a night from old to new!
Night and the healing balm of sleep!
Each morn is New Year's morn come true,
Morn of a festival to keep.
All nights are sacnavy nights to make
Confession and resolve and prayer;
All days are sacnavy days to wake
New gladness in the sunny air.
Only a night from old to new;
Only a sleep from night to morn.
The new is but the old come true;
Each sunrise sees a new year born.
- Helen Hunt Jackson
Tuesday, December 30, 2008
Monday, December 29, 2008
I got a ...
... bad tan!!! I really didn’t need it, but hey, the trip was worth every patch of tan on my already brown skin!!
I was a child again. Playing in the water and refusing to come out...making sand castles, playing beach volleyball... pretending to swim like a frog in knee deep water... I did not want to come back to the reality of everyday life... Our cottage was about 150 mts from the sea, and it was just amazing to go to sleep with the sound of the waves to give us company... No traffic and no villages! The nearest village was 9 kms away. Suryalanka is a rarity. It is still undiscovered and there is only one place to stay and that is the APTDC resort which has 12 cottages.
Tucked away, far from the maddening crowd, i rediscovered a part of me. For Three days, all I did was soak in the beauty of the sea and the beauty of life. On 26th, I was reminded of the Tsunami and felt a sense of awe at the immense power nature holds over us. No matter how much we achieve, nature has the power to tilt the balance in one powerful blow. I was reminded of how precious and fickle life is. Here I was on the 26th of December; exactly 4 years after Tsunami hit us. And as i stepped into the water that day, i said a silent prayer. For all those people who lost their lives and a prayer of respect for the sea, who is kind and all giving, who feeds a multitude but who is also capable of such devastation.
We had made a conscious decision not to spend too much time behind the camera and miss the beauty of the moment. So we have very few photographs, which i will post soon. We had also switched off our cell phones and worked HARD to stay away from the TV. That was easier said than done! What with a Boxing Day test match between Australia and South Africa looming large... Thankfully I enjoy cricket as much as Mallik!
Mallik ate tonsss of seafood. I think he was just trying to take in as much meat as possible before his one year of no-meat pledge comes into force from the 1st of January. I, on the other hand, didn’t have many options to start with, the tragedy of being a vegetarian!
My favorite moment of the trip was when we were taking a walk early in the morning. The beach was foggy and we could hear the sea..There was a slight chill in the air. Mallik suddenly asked me to wait and went away into the fog. Only to return a few minutes later with 2 steaming cups of tea!. It was just amazing to sit on the beach, with noone around, sipping hot tea...Amazing...
I also loved the evenings..the wind was nice and cool. ANd we were having our dinner just a few steps away from the sea. Yeah, I am in love with that place :)
I had promised myself a weekend away from IF but to be honest I was not successful. IF is a part of my reality now, and i cannot escape it. Fortunately, the emotions were not overwhelming, and I was actually able to watch a family with their little infant without feeling jealous or tearing up. I was happy that I got to spend time with Mallik, and most importantly, with myself. With a baby this wouldn’t have been possible (yeah i gave myself plenty of pep up talk).
We went to an old Temple in the tiny town f Bapatla (9kms from Suryalanka). The temple was constructed before 600 AD ! Thats pretty ancient if you ask me.
I love history, and sitting in that temple, I could imagine and feel the faith of the people who visited this place hundreds of years ago. Mallik is pretty religious (I believe in NO religion, and no Idol worship) and he did some kind of a puja at the temple. Later he told me, that it was for a baby. He has even promised god that if we have a son, he will add the word Bhavya to his name. ‘Bhavya Augustya’..hmm I can live with that. Mallik actually wants a girl, but has finally reached a phase when a child of any gender would do! It was sweet actually. We also went to a Durga Temple in Vijaywada, were I was again blessed with the promise of a son.. he he he.
The reality of life hit when I reached back home. All the silly home politics, the pollution of this city, the traffic....and PMS! Yup, am in the middle of a nasty phase of PMS. AF is due on the first, and i have almost zilch hope of having gotten preggo this time. Maybe that’s why I drank so much on this trip!
There is so much to share, but I have so much work to catch up to! Anyhow, the rest may be TMI ;)
We have decided to go ahead with the adoption procedure this January. I don’t know if we are even eligible to adopt. From the research I have done, it seems like you need to be married for 3 years. WE complete 3 years in Feb 2009. And Mallik is very particular that we only adopt a girl!
We will continue to try and have a baby naturally. Fingers crossed for a great 2009...
I was a child again. Playing in the water and refusing to come out...making sand castles, playing beach volleyball... pretending to swim like a frog in knee deep water... I did not want to come back to the reality of everyday life... Our cottage was about 150 mts from the sea, and it was just amazing to go to sleep with the sound of the waves to give us company... No traffic and no villages! The nearest village was 9 kms away. Suryalanka is a rarity. It is still undiscovered and there is only one place to stay and that is the APTDC resort which has 12 cottages.
Tucked away, far from the maddening crowd, i rediscovered a part of me. For Three days, all I did was soak in the beauty of the sea and the beauty of life. On 26th, I was reminded of the Tsunami and felt a sense of awe at the immense power nature holds over us. No matter how much we achieve, nature has the power to tilt the balance in one powerful blow. I was reminded of how precious and fickle life is. Here I was on the 26th of December; exactly 4 years after Tsunami hit us. And as i stepped into the water that day, i said a silent prayer. For all those people who lost their lives and a prayer of respect for the sea, who is kind and all giving, who feeds a multitude but who is also capable of such devastation.
We had made a conscious decision not to spend too much time behind the camera and miss the beauty of the moment. So we have very few photographs, which i will post soon. We had also switched off our cell phones and worked HARD to stay away from the TV. That was easier said than done! What with a Boxing Day test match between Australia and South Africa looming large... Thankfully I enjoy cricket as much as Mallik!
Mallik ate tonsss of seafood. I think he was just trying to take in as much meat as possible before his one year of no-meat pledge comes into force from the 1st of January. I, on the other hand, didn’t have many options to start with, the tragedy of being a vegetarian!
My favorite moment of the trip was when we were taking a walk early in the morning. The beach was foggy and we could hear the sea..There was a slight chill in the air. Mallik suddenly asked me to wait and went away into the fog. Only to return a few minutes later with 2 steaming cups of tea!. It was just amazing to sit on the beach, with noone around, sipping hot tea...Amazing...
I also loved the evenings..the wind was nice and cool. ANd we were having our dinner just a few steps away from the sea. Yeah, I am in love with that place :)
I had promised myself a weekend away from IF but to be honest I was not successful. IF is a part of my reality now, and i cannot escape it. Fortunately, the emotions were not overwhelming, and I was actually able to watch a family with their little infant without feeling jealous or tearing up. I was happy that I got to spend time with Mallik, and most importantly, with myself. With a baby this wouldn’t have been possible (yeah i gave myself plenty of pep up talk).
We went to an old Temple in the tiny town f Bapatla (9kms from Suryalanka). The temple was constructed before 600 AD ! Thats pretty ancient if you ask me.
I love history, and sitting in that temple, I could imagine and feel the faith of the people who visited this place hundreds of years ago. Mallik is pretty religious (I believe in NO religion, and no Idol worship) and he did some kind of a puja at the temple. Later he told me, that it was for a baby. He has even promised god that if we have a son, he will add the word Bhavya to his name. ‘Bhavya Augustya’..hmm I can live with that. Mallik actually wants a girl, but has finally reached a phase when a child of any gender would do! It was sweet actually. We also went to a Durga Temple in Vijaywada, were I was again blessed with the promise of a son.. he he he.
The reality of life hit when I reached back home. All the silly home politics, the pollution of this city, the traffic....and PMS! Yup, am in the middle of a nasty phase of PMS. AF is due on the first, and i have almost zilch hope of having gotten preggo this time. Maybe that’s why I drank so much on this trip!
There is so much to share, but I have so much work to catch up to! Anyhow, the rest may be TMI ;)
We have decided to go ahead with the adoption procedure this January. I don’t know if we are even eligible to adopt. From the research I have done, it seems like you need to be married for 3 years. WE complete 3 years in Feb 2009. And Mallik is very particular that we only adopt a girl!
We will continue to try and have a baby naturally. Fingers crossed for a great 2009...
Tuesday, December 23, 2008
Break..
Mallik and I are off for our mini four day vacation tomorrow. Will post pics when i come back. We really really need this break...We haven't spend a single weekend together in the last month... I have been really down in the dump and now need time to rejuvenate... what better than some sea, sand and a beach side cottage?
I need advice. We are planning to go to the adoption agency in the first week of January. Is it too soon? That's what the doctor says. But I will be 30 in March, and it may take up to 2 years for the adoption to come through...If I conceive in between that, perfect....does that sound okay? I feel like a amateur at this IF business at times. Something like a fake. I mean i have seen amazing women who have been trying for 7, and even 10 years!!! But I don't think I can take this for too long... I am just exhausted...
So Merry Christmas to all of you and lots of baby dust.... Am gonna try and forget about IF for a few days..
PS: I just read Jewel's blog and she had mentioned about "what is one or are some of the worst things people have said to you during your infertility and/or loss journey?" Well I just had to mention about what happened in my office yesterday. One of my colleagues was having a bay and we were tracking the situation with hourly calls. One of my other colleagues told me that this particular hospital allows husbands to accompany their wives inside the labour room. Now that's pretty rare in India...
So I got all excited and said that when I have a baby I will go to this hospital. And what did my colleague say to that? " Get pregnant first". This person knows that I am trying...and struggling..so I am not allowed to even dream now?
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