The Endless Wait...

I completely forgot that I had a blog! But am glad I was reminded of it!

It’s been over a year since my last post. A lot has happened…

I started working, albeit from home, doing what I love most—editing! And some writing too! And that too about infertility and adoption for a parenting website –momjunction.com.

But this was also the time when my health almost gave way. I discovered that my heart really wasn’t working as well as it should. After a scary trip to the ER, I am now under medication and doing okay.

But the biggest news I have is that we jumped right back on the adoption bandwagon! And the wait has been killing. The baby is there, we are just waiting for that phone call, as lill Aaryana spends another week at the orphanage. I am losing sleep over it. Things keep getting delayed and it feels like TTC again..it hurts as badly.

Please pray for us. It's time we complete our family…it’s been a long time coming…

Reclaiming My Voice

I have been gone from this place for a long time and this time, the absence was intentional. I needed this time away from blogland to heal. This place had become an obsession. The kind of stress I felt about each post, each comment - was no longer healthy. I would keep track of my followers and would analyze why others had more comments or readers.

There were nights when I couldn't sleep well, obsessing over who commented what, where and why! I saw bloggers, who I had started to think of as my friends, become close to others and form groups. I began to feel left out. It began to feel like a popularity contest. It felt like high school all over again. Only trouble is, I never was a part of the happening crowd in school, or in college. I could care less about what people thought about me, but suddenly it did matter.

It might have been a part of my battle with extreme anxiety and depression. But this blog, this community was no longer my safe haven. I had twisted it into something I lost sleep over. I had started living in this place. I had no life or friends IRL. I needed a break. I needed the break to reclaim my place in this world. I needed this break to discover MY unique voice again.

I hope to keep blogging regularly. But now I hope to stay true to myself. I never cared about being popular. I won't fall into that trap again. I want to live with my words. I want to find joy again with this beautiful language. I hope to find the sense of freedom, the sense of walking the path that was meant for me.

Back Home

This is home isn't it? This blog? This space? I was away for way to long. I thought somebody had hacked my account (whenever I tried to open my blog it said this blog has been removed) but I got it back. I have had trouble posting and commenting as I am using my phone but I came out to a cafe because I need to reconnect. I have to make this quick as I have to go pick Danny from his school.

* I finally went to see a doctor for my depression and and anxiety. The situation had become so bad that I went 5 days without eating, it was almost like my mind was trying to kill my body. I am on medication and healing.
* M cancelled our adoption process in December. He wanted to TTC. So we did. Five failed cycles later, we were supposed to start three medicated (Clomid) cycles last month. But M fell it with Epidytimis (spl?) So now I don't know where we are. We need to wait for a few months before we TTC again. But there is a fear that the infection he had might have had bad impact on his swimmers. We will see. Right now, I am in a limbo. I don't even know if I want another baby! I am so done TTC but M wants to TTC. and adoption is out till we try these three cycles. Can you imagine? I am waiting for the next 3 cycles to fail actually.
* Danny is doing great! I love him to bits. He is completely potty trained hurrayyyy.

There is so much more I want to share. Hope somebody is around.

The story of the bitter infertile and her fertile friend

I, obviously, am the bitter infertile in this story. My friend N and I have been friends for over 17 years. N got married in February 2008 and got her BFP in April. I was 14-15 weeks along at that time. The news of her pregnancy was not tough on me, as I had my own miracle baby growing inside me. I was a little confused on how some people have it so easy? But otherwise, we went through our pregnancy together, and it was fun to have someone to share each and every aspect of this wonderful experience. Danny was born on 16th Sept at 37 weeks. N's son was born on 12th Dec at 39 weeks. There was a sense of competition straight away. Who is cuter? Who s the better mom? N actually asked my as to how Danny was so fair given that M is dark? and kept saying that her son should have been fairer given that both N and her DH are fair. I too, kept comparing our sons and how and when they met their milestones.

I started feeling a distance between us. She did not approve of My style of parenting. N's son still does not sleep through the night and asks to be breastfed at least 2-3 times a night. She posted on FB about this and asked what she should do. I replied wit what I had done - controlled CIO. and she replied "I am not that kind of a mom. I cant see my son crying". That really hurt me. and then when I met her in May this year she commented "Oh! Danny whines so much" Yes, Danny is a cry baby. he cries More than other kids but who likes to hear their friend say that in front of 10 other people?

And then it happened. I called N last week and she said "I have some news" I immediately blurted out "You are pregnant". and yes she is! She is 9 weeks along and had no idea she was pregnant. They were not trying and were not sure they wanted to continue the pregnancy. I swear I didn't expect the way I felt. I felt the same gut wrenching pain I used to feel earlier in the IF journey. I said "I am so jealous" She said why? You are adopting. She is absolutely right obviously. I am not even TTC (officially). I know my daughter will be here in a year or so. Yet, I felt that pain that I cannot even describe. It was so unreasonable. I just do not understand how people get pregnant *Just*Like*That!

I talked myself out of that pain somehow. I hugged danny, and thanked the universe for my little miracle. I know I needed to support N. So called her again yesterday. She has decided to continue with the pregnancy. I was 100% with her. and the she said "but why are you adopting? Why don't you to BD and it will be fun to pregnant together again." I lost it then.  am not proud of it. I almost shouted "BECAUSE I CANNOT GT PREGNANT just like that. You think we haven't had unprotected sex these 2 years? It doesn't happen so easily to me." I guess I should have expected her response. I am not the only person who has trouble conceiving. But nobody else it seems cribs the way I do.

I should simply shut up about this infertility shit. That's what N said. I obviously have no right to feel pain and talk about it wit my friend of 17 years.

I no longer feel we are friends. It feel so sad but it feels like all we have in common now is our past. It hurts me. Would it have been the same without IF? Has infertility really made me so bitter and cynical?

Being a single parent...

No, no! its not what you think! M and I are still together, working our way through a messy period of marriage. Things are better, but we have a long way to go - but that's a whole different post altogether.

I have been MIA for how long now? too long to remember actually. My stupid laptop keyboard broke down and I had no time to get it repaired. And then I went away to delhi for 3 glorious weeks (did nothing but laze around - bliss!) Came back and it was the festive season. I continued to follow your blogs but obviously could not comment due to my stupid keyboard. I am at an internet cafe right now so catching up. (Note to elf: get your keyboard repaired asap)

Now back to being a single parent. M has taken this 45 day Aiyyappa Diksha. He comes at 7am  and leaves at 930 am, just 2 and a half hours each day! That more or less makes me a single mom yeah? its just been 4 days. 41 days to go. wish me luck girls.

Danny turned 2 last month. He is just awesome. my skinny bubba. He talks, man does he talk. He is already talking in 6-7 word sentences in 4 different languages. he knows 3-4 rhymes. But cannot recognize any colour, I wonder whats up? He can count 1-10 (not always in order though).

Okay this got to do for now.

I leave you with some pics.