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This is home isn't it? This blog? This space? I was away for way to long. I thought somebody had hacked my account (whenever I tried to open my blog it said this blog has been removed) but I got it back. I have had trouble posting and commenting as I am using my phone but I came out to a cafe because I need to reconnect. I have to make this quick as I have to go pick Danny from his school.

* I finally went to see a doctor for my depression and and anxiety. The situation had become so bad that I went 5 days without eating, it was almost like my mind was trying to kill my body. I am on medication and healing.
* M cancelled our adoption process in December. He wanted to TTC. So we did. Five failed cycles later, we were supposed to start three medicated (Clomid) cycles last month. But M fell it with Epidytimis (spl?) So now I don't know where we are. We need to wait for a few months before we TTC again. But there is a fear that the infection he had might have had bad impact on his swimmers. We will see. Right now, I am in a limbo. I don't even know if I want another baby! I am so done TTC but M wants to TTC. and adoption is out till we try these three cycles. Can you imagine? I am waiting for the next 3 cycles to fail actually.
* Danny is doing great! I love him to bits. He is completely potty trained hurrayyyy.

There is so much more I want to share. Hope somebody is around.

The story of the bitter infertile and her fertile friend

I, obviously, am the bitter infertile in this story. My friend N and I have been friends for over 17 years. N got married in February 2008 and got her BFP in April. I was 14-15 weeks along at that time. The news of her pregnancy was not tough on me, as I had my own miracle baby growing inside me. I was a little confused on how some people have it so easy? But otherwise, we went through our pregnancy together, and it was fun to have someone to share each and every aspect of this wonderful experience. Danny was born on 16th Sept at 37 weeks. N's son was born on 12th Dec at 39 weeks. There was a sense of competition straight away. Who is cuter? Who s the better mom? N actually asked my as to how Danny was so fair given that M is dark? and kept saying that her son should have been fairer given that both N and her DH are fair. I too, kept comparing our sons and how and when they met their milestones.

I started feeling a distance between us. She did not approve of My style of parenting. N's son still does not sleep through the night and asks to be breastfed at least 2-3 times a night. She posted on FB about this and asked what she should do. I replied wit what I had done - controlled CIO. and she replied "I am not that kind of a mom. I cant see my son crying". That really hurt me. and then when I met her in May this year she commented "Oh! Danny whines so much" Yes, Danny is a cry baby. he cries More than other kids but who likes to hear their friend say that in front of 10 other people?

And then it happened. I called N last week and she said "I have some news" I immediately blurted out "You are pregnant". and yes she is! She is 9 weeks along and had no idea she was pregnant. They were not trying and were not sure they wanted to continue the pregnancy. I swear I didn't expect the way I felt. I felt the same gut wrenching pain I used to feel earlier in the IF journey. I said "I am so jealous" She said why? You are adopting. She is absolutely right obviously. I am not even TTC (officially). I know my daughter will be here in a year or so. Yet, I felt that pain that I cannot even describe. It was so unreasonable. I just do not understand how people get pregnant *Just*Like*That!

I talked myself out of that pain somehow. I hugged danny, and thanked the universe for my little miracle. I know I needed to support N. So called her again yesterday. She has decided to continue with the pregnancy. I was 100% with her. and the she said "but why are you adopting? Why don't you to BD and it will be fun to pregnant together again." I lost it then.  am not proud of it. I almost shouted "BECAUSE I CANNOT GT PREGNANT just like that. You think we haven't had unprotected sex these 2 years? It doesn't happen so easily to me." I guess I should have expected her response. I am not the only person who has trouble conceiving. But nobody else it seems cribs the way I do.

I should simply shut up about this infertility shit. That's what N said. I obviously have no right to feel pain and talk about it wit my friend of 17 years.

I no longer feel we are friends. It feel so sad but it feels like all we have in common now is our past. It hurts me. Would it have been the same without IF? Has infertility really made me so bitter and cynical?

Being a single parent...

No, no! its not what you think! M and I are still together, working our way through a messy period of marriage. Things are better, but we have a long way to go - but that's a whole different post altogether.

I have been MIA for how long now? too long to remember actually. My stupid laptop keyboard broke down and I had no time to get it repaired. And then I went away to delhi for 3 glorious weeks (did nothing but laze around - bliss!) Came back and it was the festive season. I continued to follow your blogs but obviously could not comment due to my stupid keyboard. I am at an internet cafe right now so catching up. (Note to elf: get your keyboard repaired asap)

Now back to being a single parent. M has taken this 45 day Aiyyappa Diksha. He comes at 7am  and leaves at 930 am, just 2 and a half hours each day! That more or less makes me a single mom yeah? its just been 4 days. 41 days to go. wish me luck girls.

Danny turned 2 last month. He is just awesome. my skinny bubba. He talks, man does he talk. He is already talking in 6-7 word sentences in 4 different languages. he knows 3-4 rhymes. But cannot recognize any colour, I wonder whats up? He can count 1-10 (not always in order though).

Okay this got to do for now.

I leave you with some pics.

A blog with substance

One of my favourite bloggers, Aisha just passed on this wonderful award. 

Thanks so much Aisha! Aisha is a fellow desi and I love to read her posts because I feel she speaks my language. And her comments are always insightful. 

The rules are simple:

Name 7 random things about yourself and nominate 7 bloggers.

Here are some random facts about me:

• ·         I never ate eggs on the day of my exams. You know egg=circle= zero? Stupid, I know.

• ·         Till I stated working in 2003, I had a haircut every 2-3 months and my hairstylist was my brother!

• ·         I am still friends with all but one of my exes. The one I am not friends with was the one I was engaged to for 4 years and who cheated on me. His loss really, don’t you think?

• ·         I was a raving hypochondriac as a teenager! Not so much now thankfully.

• ·         I hate shopping. And bargaining. I just go and pick up the first thing I see.

• ·         I have no cousins. My dad was an only child. So is my mom. My parents made up for the lack of relatives by having 5 kids! My 3 sisters and brother are all the family I have.

• The first time I smoked was when I was a 15 year old. I stole some of my sister’s boy friends ciggis and took them to school – an all girls school that too and smoked in the loo with my kick ass friends.

·         And now to pass on this award to seven of my favourite bloggers.

StElsewhere – She is just an amazing blogger and an even more amazing human. It helps that she is a fellow Indian.

Esperanza and JJiraffe – I love the way these woman write. Most of time I get so involved with what they have written that I forget to comment!

Deborah– A recent bloggy friend who is just so human. I totally feel at home at her blog. She is a great support too.

Athena – My favourite Aussie! I simply adore this lady and her blogs are just out of this world.

ThirtiesGirl – Brave, brave!

The Smart One – What can I say about her that hasn’t been said before?

Being a Stay at home mom...

I never ever thought I would be a SAHM! That was just not me. When I got my BFP, I left my job because I was forced. The Doctor wanted me not to travel during the first 12 weeks. It was tough for I was the primary earner of the family at that point of time. But my baby came first. There was no way in hell I was taking any chance with my pregnancy. I worked from on and off, thinking I would stat working when D was 6 months old. The first 6 months, I had no time to even understand what was happening. I felt so rushed and out of sorts. When D turned 6 months old, I started looking out for a job but reality hit hard. I could find no job that did justice to my education and experience.

For some one like me, who loves the outdoors, who simply loves to talk with people, being a SAHM is tough. Don't get me wrong. I do cherish each moment I spend with Danny. But I KNOW that I would have been a better mother if I spent a few hours outside, on my own each day. Last month, I finally got that perfect job offer.

But I am still a SAHM. There is nobody I can leave Danny with while I work. I couldn't find a nanny who was reliable and cost effective. The daycare scene here in India is not really that good. All the good day cares are just too far. My MIL cannot come and look after D as she is staying and looking after my SIL's kids (aged 10 & 5) while my SIL and her husband work in Singapore.

MIL did suggest that I drop D at her place each morning and pick him up in the evenings. But that would have added almost 3 hours of travel time to the normal travel time of 2 hours. Travelling 5 hours each day? Doesn't sound too god does it?

So here I am, working from home. Trying to tell myself how lucky I am that I get to stay at home. But honestly? I wish it was otherwise. I am not very happy with the way I parent at the moment. I hate cooking, I hate doing household chores (other than cleaning). I am just not a domestic person. Some of you may judge me. Does the fact that I want to work make me a bad mom?