Better Late...

We brought Aaryaana home! It's been over three months since we became a family of four. We got 'the' call on 17th September, a day after Danny's fifth birthday. We brought her home the next day. I had no clue it will be so difficult! For a few days, I was wrecked with guilt. I felt like I had betrayed Danny in some way. It took me a few weeks before I finally fell in love with this amazing baby. When she came home, she was puny - just over 4 kgs at 5 months! And she was ill and had reflux. She kept puking all the time. But now? Now she is a thriving 8 month old baby. She is spirited, oh hell, she is spirited! She is crawling, sitting, babbling, clapping, waving...she is just perfect.

Here she is with her great granny.

PS: Deborah, If you are reading this, I need that invite girl!

I saw an angel...

Aaryana,

26th July, 2014. As they brought you out of that room, my heart was beating so fast, I felt it would burst. We were told that we would be matched with a baby 6-8 months of age. But when we saw you, we were shocked! You were tiny! 3 months! Within minutes your big brother was in love with you, and we soon followed suit. I wish I could have hidden you and brought you home right then!

We then took you for your medical tests. As they were drawing blood for some tests, and Danny saw you crying, he started crying too. He said to me ' it's all your fault, why did you bring her here? she is crying'. Yes, Yaana, Danny is totally in love with you. Already the protective big brother. That very evening we were told that all the tests came back clear. But yes, you were underweight, and that is an understatement. But we were not allowed to take you home with us. There was still some paperwork left to be done. You have no idea how our hearts broke as we handed you back. We were told you will be home in a week. It has been 10 days now. We are hoping to bring you home by this weekend, before rakhi. But I am not so hopeful. In India, things take their own sweet time.

We have done all the shopping that needed to be done and now we wait. We are trying to live each day as it comes, but knowing that you are there all alone is just killing. I am praying hard. So are all your aunties. Come home soon baby...

Mamma.

Light at the end of the tunnel

Dear Aaryana...

Tomorrow we get to see you for the first time. It's been close to year since we started the process again. And soon you'll be home. Tomorrow your dada, big bro Danny, and mamma will come to see you, take you to the doctor for a few tests. But they won't allow us to bring you home tomorrow. That will take another week or so :( But as we wait, we'll shop for you :) Hold on baby, we are coming to get you....

Momma.

The Endless Wait...

I completely forgot that I had a blog! But am glad I was reminded of it!

It’s been over a year since my last post. A lot has happened…

I started working, albeit from home, doing what I love most—editing! And some writing too! And that too about infertility and adoption for a parenting website –momjunction.com.

But this was also the time when my health almost gave way. I discovered that my heart really wasn’t working as well as it should. After a scary trip to the ER, I am now under medication and doing okay.

But the biggest news I have is that we jumped right back on the adoption bandwagon! And the wait has been killing. The baby is there, we are just waiting for that phone call, as lill Aaryana spends another week at the orphanage. I am losing sleep over it. Things keep getting delayed and it feels like TTC again..it hurts as badly.

Please pray for us. It's time we complete our family…it’s been a long time coming…

Reclaiming My Voice

I have been gone from this place for a long time and this time, the absence was intentional. I needed this time away from blogland to heal. This place had become an obsession. The kind of stress I felt about each post, each comment - was no longer healthy. I would keep track of my followers and would analyze why others had more comments or readers.

There were nights when I couldn't sleep well, obsessing over who commented what, where and why! I saw bloggers, who I had started to think of as my friends, become close to others and form groups. I began to feel left out. It began to feel like a popularity contest. It felt like high school all over again. Only trouble is, I never was a part of the happening crowd in school, or in college. I could care less about what people thought about me, but suddenly it did matter.

It might have been a part of my battle with extreme anxiety and depression. But this blog, this community was no longer my safe haven. I had twisted it into something I lost sleep over. I had started living in this place. I had no life or friends IRL. I needed a break. I needed the break to reclaim my place in this world. I needed this break to discover MY unique voice again.

I hope to keep blogging regularly. But now I hope to stay true to myself. I never cared about being popular. I won't fall into that trap again. I want to live with my words. I want to find joy again with this beautiful language. I hope to find the sense of freedom, the sense of walking the path that was meant for me.