As Good As It Gets....

The story of the bitter infertile and her fertile friend

2011-11-01T11:25:00.001+05:30

I, obviously, am the bitter infertile in this story. My friend N and I have been friends for over 17 years. N got married in February 2008 and got her BFP in April. I was 14-15 weeks along at that time. The news of her pregnancy was not tough on me, as I had my own miracle baby growing inside me. I was a little confused on how some people have it so easy? But otherwise, we went through our pregnancy together, and it was fun to have someone to share each and every aspect of this wonderful experience. Danny was born on 16th Sept at 37 weeks. N's son was born on 12th Dec at 39 weeks. There was a sense of competition straight away. Who is cuter? Who s the better mom? N actually asked my as to how Danny was so fair given that M is dark? and kept saying that her son should have been fairer given that both N and her DH are fair. I too, kept comparing our sons and how and when they met their milestones.

I started feeling a distance between us. She did not approve of My style of parenting. N's son still does not sleep through the night and asks to be breastfed at least 2-3 times a night. She posted on FB about this and asked what she should do. I replied wit what I had done - controlled CIO. and she replied "I am not that kind of a mom. I cant see my son crying". That really hurt me. and then when I met her in May this year she commented "Oh! Danny whines so much" Yes, Danny is a cry baby. he cries More than other kids but who likes to hear their friend say that in front of 10 other people?

And then it happened. I called N last week and she said "I have some news" I immediately blurted out "You are pregnant". and yes she is! She is 9 weeks along and had no idea she was pregnant. They were not trying and were not sure they wanted to continue the pregnancy. I swear I didn't expect the way I felt. I felt the same gut wrenching pain I used to feel earlier in the IF journey. I said "I am so jealous" She said why? You are adopting. She is absolutely right obviously. I am not even TTC (officially). I know my daughter will be here in a year or so. Yet, I felt that pain that I cannot even describe. It was so unreasonable. I just do not understand how people get pregnant *Just*Like*That!

I talked myself out of that pain somehow. I hugged danny, and thanked the universe for my little miracle. I know I needed to support N. So called her again yesterday. She has decided to continue with the pregnancy. I was 100% with her. and the she said "but why are you adopting? Why don't you to BD and it will be fun to pregnant together again." I lost it then. am not proud of it. I almost shouted "BECAUSE I CANNOT GT PREGNANT just like that. You think we haven't had unprotected sex these 2 years? It doesn't happen so easily to me." I guess I should have expected her response. I am not the only person who has trouble conceiving. But nobody else it seems cribs the way I do.

I should simply shut up about this infertility shit. That's what N said. I obviously have no right to feel pain and talk about it wit my friend of 17 years.

I no longer feel we are friends. It feel so sad but it feels like all we have in common now is our past. It hurts me. Would it have been the same without IF? Has infertility really made me so bitter and cynical?

Being a single parent...

2011-10-13T11:15:00.002+05:30

No, no! its not what you think! M and I are still together, working our way through a messy period of marriage. Things are better, but we have a long way to go - but that's a whole different post altogether.

I have been MIA for how long now? too long to remember actually. My stupid laptop keyboard broke down and I had no time to get it repaired. And then I went away to delhi for 3 glorious weeks (did nothing but laze around - bliss!) Came back and it was the festive season. I continued to follow your blogs but obviously could not comment due to my stupid keyboard. I am at an internet cafe right now so catching up. (Note to elf: get your keyboard repaired asap)

Now back to being a single parent. M has taken this 45 day Aiyyappa Diksha. He comes at 7am and leaves at 930 am, just 2 and a half hours each day! That more or less makes me a single mom yeah? its just been 4 days. 41 days to go. wish me luck girls.

Danny turned 2 last month. He is just awesome. my skinny bubba. He talks, man does he talk. He is already talking in 6-7 word sentences in 4 different languages. he knows 3-4 rhymes. But cannot recognize any colour, I wonder whats up? He can count 1-10 (not always in order though).

Okay this got to do for now.

I leave you with some pics.

A blog with substance

2011-08-06T23:08:00.000+05:30

One of my favourite bloggers, Aisha just passed on this wonderful award.

Thanks so much Aisha! Aisha is a fellow desi and I love to read her posts because I feel she speaks my language. And her comments are always insightful.

The rules are simple:

Name 7 random things about yourself and nominate 7 bloggers.

Here are some random facts about me:

· I never ate eggs on the day of my exams. You know egg=circle= zero? Stupid, I know.

· Till I stated working in 2003, I had a haircut every 2-3 months and my hairstylist was my brother!

· I am still friends with all but one of my exes. The one I am not friends with was the one I was engaged to for 4 years and who cheated on me. His loss really, don’t you think?

· I was a raving hypochondriac as a teenager! Not so much now thankfully.

· I hate shopping. And bargaining. I just go and pick up the first thing I see.

· I have no cousins. My dad was an only child. So is my mom. My parents made up for the lack of relatives by having 5 kids! My 3 sisters and brother are all the family I have.

The first time I smoked was when I was a 15 year old. I stole some of my sister’s boy friends ciggis and took them to school – an all girls school that too and smoked in the loo with my kick ass friends.

· And now to pass on this award to seven of my favourite bloggers.

StElsewhere – She is just an amazing blogger and an even more amazing human. It helps that she is a fellow Indian.

Esperanza and JJiraffe – I love the way these woman write. Most of time I get so involved with what they have written that I forget to comment!

Deborah– A recent bloggy friend who is just so human. I totally feel at home at her blog. She is a great support too.

Athena – My favourite Aussie! I simply adore this lady and her blogs are just out of this world.

ThirtiesGirl – Brave, brave!

The Smart One – What can I say about her that hasn’t been said before?

Being a Stay at home mom...

2011-08-03T10:28:00.000+05:30

I never ever thought I would be a SAHM! That was just not me. When I got my BFP, I left my job because I was forced. The Doctor wanted me not to travel during the first 12 weeks. It was tough for I was the primary earner of the family at that point of time. But my baby came first. There was no way in hell I was taking any chance with my pregnancy. I worked from on and off, thinking I would stat working when D was 6 months old. The first 6 months, I had no time to even understand what was happening. I felt so rushed and out of sorts. When D turned 6 months old, I started looking out for a job but reality hit hard. I could find no job that did justice to my education and experience.

For some one like me, who loves the outdoors, who simply loves to talk with people, being a SAHM is tough. Don't get me wrong. I do cherish each moment I spend with Danny. But I KNOW that I would have been a better mother if I spent a few hours outside, on my own each day. Last month, I finally got that perfect job offer.

But I am still a SAHM. There is nobody I can leave Danny with while I work. I couldn't find a nanny who was reliable and cost effective. The daycare scene here in India is not really that good. All the good day cares are just too far. My MIL cannot come and look after D as she is staying and looking after my SIL's kids (aged 10 & 5) while my SIL and her husband work in Singapore.

MIL did suggest that I drop D at her place each morning and pick him up in the evenings. But that would have added almost 3 hours of travel time to the normal travel time of 2 hours. Travelling 5 hours each day? Doesn't sound too god does it?

So here I am, working from home. Trying to tell myself how lucky I am that I get to stay at home. But honestly? I wish it was otherwise. I am not very happy with the way I parent at the moment. I hate cooking, I hate doing household chores (other than cleaning). I am just not a domestic person. Some of you may judge me. Does the fact that I want to work make me a bad mom?

Who am I?

2011-07-27T11:15:00.000+05:30

Whenever I tell people that my husband is Telugu and that we had an interregional marriage people (mostly unmarried women) go “OH! How sweet”…

I am a Bengali, who was born and brought up in Delhi, and am married to a born and brought up in Hyderabad Telugu. Thanks to the Internet, we met, fell in love and decided to get married. The fact that he belonged to a different culture and spoke an alien language was never an issue with me. I wasn’t much of a Bengali myself. Growing up, I was surrounded by Punjabi friends and was more at home with rajma chawal then maachh bhaat. My ex boss even began calling me ‘fake Bengali’. Can’t blame her really, after all I don’t fit into the typical Bengali women image at all. A typical Bengali is ‘supposed’ to love sweet (I don’t), Maachh (gave up non-vegetarian food at 19), and Bengali literature (My only exposure to Bengali literature were my school text books!)

So I considered myself to be the multi cultural woman, at home with all differing cultures, capable of adapting and adopting different ways of life…

The problems started when we started discussing the wedding logistics. They wanted the wedding to be in Hyderabad, I said Delhi, They agreed but only if the wedding was conducted in the typical Telugu tradition. I agreed. I was already learning the sine qua non of marriage – Compromising! The eight hour long marriage ceremony gave me a glimpse of the things to come. The muhurat was for 3 in the morning! And we were sitting in the mandap from 10pm! And it all ended at 6 am! I was later informed that the Pandit had actually taken liberty and cut short the wedding rituals!

As I made my way to the station after the marriage, leaving behind everything I knew, loved and understood, my sister whispered in my ears “Best of luck”. I knew at that moment that my life had changed forever; the adventure had begun!In the train I sat surrounded by my new family, all chattering away, laughing at jokes I didn’t understand. I must have looked stupid sitting there staring at their faces, I must have been trying my hand at telepathy I guess…What were they saying?? I clung to my husband, not because I was home sick (that hadn’t set in yet) but because I could talk to him. He spoke my language!!!!

In Hyderabad, a constant stream of my husband’s relatives came to inspect the new bride. Well, they were not too happy of course. They had hoped for a nice traditional Telugu bride, and here I was: the shorthaired, salwar clad girl from Delhi. They came, smiled and asked me “do you know Telugu?” I replied with the only word I had managed to learn “Kuncham kuncham” (A little). That satisfied them for the time being. …

Meal times were a punishment. The food! It was rice in the afternoon, rice for dinner, and at times even for breakfast! I missed my daily dose of chapattis! If I had to eat them, I had to make them myself. Well I decided that is was easier to learn to appreciate rice (thanks to my Bengali genes I guess!)…I also learned the art of drifting into my world of daydreams, while my eyes wore the look of intense involvement in the conversation-taking place around me, of which I couldn’t decipher a word!

And how can I forget those never ending rituals, which were very much a part of my husband’s family, but were completely alien to me. Before marriage, the one event that was remotely religious to me was Durga Puja, and that too had lost its sheen over time… I was a spiritualist who did not believe in Idol worship, who was married into a family whose idea of a vacation was going for a pilgrimage!

Five years have passed,I still crave to hear Bangla. I call and speak to my mother for hours, some times just for the pleasure of hearing the beautiful language that’s my mother tongue.

Now everything ‘Bengali’ appeals to me. I have re-discovered Rabindranath Tagore, I enjoy the neo-Bengali rock music. The ‘shakha pola’ are my ultimate fashion accessories; I could even smell Durga Pujo in the air last October! I have discovered the Bengali in me. Now a simple Bengali phrase heard in the bus puts a big grin on my face, now my interests lingers on the Bengali channels for a little while longer then usual….

I miss the much-hated Delhi winter chill, sitting under the razai, eating moongfalis and indulging in some heated adda sessions.

I am adapting to Hyderabad too, and it almost feels like home now, but can it ever replace the city and culture I left behind? This feeling has nothing do with regionalism and everything to do with a sense of identity. Inter-regional marriages are ‘sweet’ all right, but they are also lots of hard work and understanding. I have realized that my individuality means a lot to mean and I have also learned to draw a line on how much I am willing to compromise. I don’t ask my husband to learn Bengali and he doesn’t ask me to learn Telugu. Both of us have our distinct eccentric identities, and I don’t think either of us has to give up on our beliefs to make this marriage work. Now that Danny is here, I atleast have someone to talk with in Bengali!

Just for Laughs

2011-07-25T20:42:00.000+05:30

Our Adoption story so far

2011-07-21T12:57:00.002+05:30

Even before I got married, adoption was always something I wanted to do. After marriage, we decided to complete our family through adoption. All the adoption papers were duly filed, the documents sent, and the wait began. The waiting period for a baby girl in India is one year but we were told that for us it will take up to 2-3 years, as we already had a biological child. I was impatient. I wanted a baby, now! So I talked to a few people about private adoption. I basically started hoping for a mother to abandon her baby so I could complete my family. Soon, I heard that a three month old baby had been left at a local hospital. My husband’s friend was asked to check out and tell us about the formalities. But a couple of weeks later, I was told that the baby had been sent to an orphanage. I was surprised! We were ready-made parents, why were we not given the chance to adopt? The reason was really simple. My husband’s family had seen the baby. She was too dark for our family, according to them, so she was rejected. This incident was a rude awakening. I had become the child-greedy woman I so detested. In my blind thirst for a family, I had forgotten that there are no shortcuts to happiness. I needed to live this experience to better understand myself, my family and the society we live in. Although it was a personal failure, the lessons it taught me were worth the disappointment.

I am in it for the long haul now. No matter how long it takes 2, 3 or even 4 years - I will wait my turn.

Why I almost lost it....

2011-07-16T20:18:00.000+05:30

This post contains facts that no one even in my family are aware of. I needed to be honest and look at all that I have faced and share it. I have pretended to be alright for way to long but now I DO have reasons to smile...

My life after marriage was tough, to say the least. I had several fights with my MIL and SIL. My MIL sold my husband’s family home and shifted to stay with her daughter. We were forced to move into a rented house with my husbands 78 year old grandmother and 8 year old brother. We were paying off a huge loan my husband had taken to marry his sister off. Things were tough but as both my husband and I were working we managed okay and even managed buy an under construction house.

But things took a turn for the worse when I got pregnant in 2009. I was forced to quit my job as mine was a high risk pregnancy. It was almost impossible to manage paying a loan, monthly EMI’s plus taking care of a family with only my husbands salary. So we decided to put our house for sale. That was in 2009 March. But we found no buyers. Soon we had used up all our savings to pay the EMI’s and had nothing left. We had no option but to default on our EMI’s. We lost our house. We lost our dream.

Our financial struggles continued as it was really difficult to look after a young baby, a teenager and an old lady. At the end of each month we had no money left. I struggled to attend meeting due to the lack of money. And when my son fell ill, I had to sell my gold necklace to pay for the treatment.

I was also struggling with my health in this time. I sufferd from severe body aches and acute exhaustion. In fact the tiredness was so bad that when I woke up in the mornings I used to feel like I had just run a marathon. No doctor was able to give me a correct diagnosis.

My brother, whom I love like my own son, was also struggling and that was making me feel very helpless. He worked hard but never got credited for it. Other’s always seemed to find favour with is boss while he was left behind.

My parents house in Delhi was breaking down. After my father’s death, we had tried to look after the house but after marriage the responsibility had fallen on our brother. With his low salary he found it extremely difficult to do anything. The house’s wiring had all but birn4d off. Only two rooms had lights. My mom actually cooked with the candle burning. The windows had all broken off. So bad was the situation that after every rain fall water would enter our drawing room. WE feared that the rain would actually wash away the house. Living in that house was so difficult that I had not gone there with my son after his birth and stayed with my sisters each time I went to Delhi. We were trying to sell the house since 2009 and had found no buyers yet again.

My brother was so depressed with his life that one day he called me crying, saying he cannot breath, saying that he loved me. I feared for his life. I thought I was losing my brother. He was rushed to the hospital due to panic attacks.

I was losing the battle. By the end of 2010, I was close to a nervous breakdown.

Now my reason to smile:

I was finally given a diagnosis - Fibromyalgia. Now I can manage my health much better.

M appeared for his LLM entrance exam and secured 16^th rank all over AP

My relation with my Mil and SIL changed completely. So much so that when my SIL’s husband returned from Singapore this last month, he bought us a gift – a 32 inch LED TV!

He is also sponsoring my husband’s my husband’s LLM course.

My brother finally got some credit at work and was awarded employee of the quarter by his employees. He won it among thousands of employees from all over the world.

My MIL transferred Rs 1 lac to my husband’s account. That’s the exact amount we needed to pay off our dept. We are now debt free, first time in 5 years! We can start saving now.

Last Tuesday, our Delhi home was finally sold. My brother got a very good price. He can now buy a new house, and a car and save some money too! He can now start a new life.

One day, I will own a house. I promise.

Bad Mother?

2011-07-15T14:49:00.000+05:30

I really really needed to read this today. Was feeling like bad mother, a failure. Then I read this.

Your children are lucky to have you as a mom, because no one else could do it the same way as you.

You are special being you! You are good enough being yourself. Until you get that, all of your parenting will be hard and will suffer.

If you believe that you are not good enough, your children will pick up on that thought and believe they are not good enough either. Is that what you want? I didn't think so. So, you have to believe in yourself right now.

I am a good enough mom.I am a great mom, being myself.I am the perfect mom for my children right now.

So, you don't believe it yet? Well, that's because you may not be expressing that perfection that you are, as of yet. But the first step is in realizing and believing that deep inside, the real, authentic you IS good enough, perfect enough, enough, enough, enough, just the way you are. You don't have to go changing a thing.

Write those affirmations above out, three times. And then read them outloud, three times, even if you don't believe them yet. Because, the more you say them, the closer you will get to believing them. And then, when you are being yourself in your mothering, it WILL be perfect, perfectly YOU!

And your children will see that you are good enough and perfect being yourself. Which, in turn, helps them to believe that they are good enough being themselves.

If you want your mothering to be fun, easy and fulfilling, BE YOURSELF! Without conditions, without judgments, just BE YOURSELF! And then it won't matter what the Jones' or the Smiths' are doing or saying, because you are being yourself and that is the greatest thing in the world!
What others do and say is their responsibility and what you do and say is yours.

There are many parenting experts out there that feed on your fears of not being enough. Time has come to claim your own power back. To stop listening to the experts and listen to YOURSELF. You have your own perfect and good enough answers within. And it is time to discover them.

The idea of the perfect mom is gone. It is time to replace it with the idea of the perfect you. The best you can do is your best, until you decide to do better. And then it is your choice, not the choice of a "should" or a "mother-in-law" or "your neighbor" or even your "spouse".
Comparing will get you no where! How could you even compare an apple and an orange? Each one is fundamentally different. Yes, they are both fruit and yes, you and your neighbor are both moms, but each one is unique and special in their own way. YOU are unique and special in your own way!

I am unique and special being me!I am good enough! I am great!I love myself for being myself!I deserve fun, easy and fulfilling parenting!My children deserve a fun, easy and fullfilled mom!

17 dead, 100 injured

2011-07-13T22:21:00.000+05:30

Another serial blast in Bombay. Seventen people have already died. Hundred injured. The death toll will go up.

But the saddest part? I no longer feel distraught. I saw the news. Made a few calls and simply moved onto an Adam Sandler movie. Terrorism has become a part of life here in India. I wish things were different but I am afraid the innocence is truly gone. Terrorism is here to stay, so are bomb blasts. It feel disgust that I feel this way. But that's just how I feel right now. As M just said, bomb blast feels like seasons now. They are recurring. They might not happen for sometime, but they will happen. They will come. There is no way I can imagine our Government stop them. How do you provide security to a country so crowded? Yes, I feel helpless....completely, utterly helpless......

These are a few of my favourite things...

2011-07-08T15:16:00.000+05:30

I am still here in Hyderbad. We are seeing a marriage counsellor. and I am trying hypnotherapy for my issues. I have decided not to blog about my marrriage and m because things are very raw right now and I don't some one to read my blog and talk to M about it. Now is not the time to be brave. In a few months I will talk about it again.
***************************************************************************
Till then I have decided to concentrate on all that I love, all that's good in my life. Starting with RAIN!

It rained today, and it feels like heaven .Everything looks pure and pristine. The trees are dancing to a silent song I long to hear. The birds are happy too I guess. I can hear them sing. I watch the raindrops fall on my window, and I remember the days gone by.Days spent with friends, jumping over puddles, singing along our favorite songs, without a care in the world, playing cricket in the rain (yes we did that!).And today all those days are just memories, beautiful memories that makes me cry. Days have fled.On days like today, when things are perfect, my heart just flies back in time, why cant I relive those moments? I know I cant, and that’s what makes things more difficult.I am reminded of a song ‘Its yesterday once more’.So true to what I feel now...I know this feeling will pass, and I will go on living my present life as I should..

But this moment, when the memories refuse to leave me alone, when all I want is to be a 13 year old again, is precious too. Friends, I miss them so.Maybe, just maybe, if I had my friends around, I wouldn’t feel so alone on a beautiful day like today, if they were around I would have created new memories with them. But then I realize - How lucky am I to have these memories? To have friends who have stuck with me these last twenty years? How many are lucky to have such good freinds? So okay they are not around physically..but all I need to do is pick up the phone and talk to them. and then there are the memories...And I went out and got wet. Looked up into the sky and thanked the universe. The rain drops fell on my face and I remembered a song from long ago "Rimjhim girey sawan" all is good with the world. The rain still is my friend. and I have another moment that has become a beautiful memory.

And life seems perfect, right now right here. This is my god, this is my heaven.

Here's what happened

2011-07-02T07:45:00.000+05:30

I packed my bags and left for my freinds thursday evening. Friday morning I got one way ticket to Delhi. M didnt call me till Friday afternoon. I think that's when it him that I a dead serious this time. It was no empty threat. He asked me to meet him 'to talk things out'. I told him I was done talking it out. Don't get me wrong. I know I have issues with myself that I AM dealing with. But we also have issues whish we as couple need to work on. He insisted that I meet him. I went ahead and did that.

To sum up, he agrees that we need things to change. He doesn't want us to go our separate ways. He himself suggested that we seek counseling as a couple. My ticket is for 20th July. He promises things will change before that. I am still at my friend's place. Will return tomorrow. I am not canceling my ticket. not yet.

Wordless Wednesday

2011-06-29T13:03:00.000+05:30

21 months!! Danny is now going to school. Three hours a day/five days a week. He couldn't have been happier. He is now completely potty trained and speaks three languages. Trying hard to teach him a fourth. He is skinny...under fiver percentle for weight and in the 25th percentile for height. But he is adorable..for ME :). I love more each day. He is one smart cookie and knows how to get his way. When he wants something he will beg his dada "Dada PLEAJE" ...and has learned some good manners too. Never forgets to say "thank you mamma" when I give him something.

Are you happily married?

2011-06-26T19:26:00.002+05:30

I was just reading Mel’s latest post where she wrote about her relation with her husband. While I was reading it, I felt my heart grow heavier...That was ‘us’! That’s how M and I were as a couple. We completed each other. So what went wrong? Actually M doesn’t think or realize that something is wrong. He loves me. And I still adore him. Yet, I am not happy. Is it just me? Do I have some unrealistic expectation from this marriage? What exactly do I want? M asks me that every time I try and talk this out with him. The problem is ‘I don’t know’! My IRL friends tell me that I am the lucky one, that they would have loved to have a husband like mine.

M just completed his LLB and is now pursuing LLM. That’s his passion. I don’t begrudge him that. I am completely blown away by his will to pursue his passion. He goes to college during the mornings then does 2pm to 10pm office shift. Comes home, and ‘tries’ to be as good a father as he can be. Although, he is slacking in this department off late, but according to my friends, I have it good. That their husbands don’t help them out AT ALL.

The thing is, I don’t compare M with others. He is not doing as well as he could have financially. But I am okay with that. I don’t hold that against him. After all, it’s me who is not working and contributing to the household income.

I know he loves me. So what is it? Maybe it is the fact that we hardly have any physically intimacy anymore? One of the things I have always complained about is him spending too much time with his friends. He still does that. But that is not the only problem. The problem is that even if he is home a whole weekend, I am not happy. We sit together, watching TV, having nothing to talk about. Or he sleeps. No, I am not painting a genuine picture here. Its not all gloomy. M is happy, he cracks jokes. He doesn’t understand why I am unhappy. But I want to talk. I want to laugh with him again.

I don’t care if he spends half of his weekends with his friends. I am realizing its quality of time I need, not quantity. But how do I do it? How do I become the people we were? Both of us? Because I know I have changed too. And the only person I can expect to change is me. Funnily enough, this has nothing to do with Danny’s birth. The rut started before Danny was born. It has just become increasingly worse. One of the biggest reason is that I DONOT have a life outside of M. I don’t make friends easily. I need people who understand my eccentricity and accept them before I can become friends with them. The women I am surrounded by here, though wonderful in their own way, are just not the people I can hang around with.

This weekend was so wonderful because I got to hang around with my SILs, drink and laugh, and TALK. It was wonderful. I realized how much missed all that.

I understand that problem in my marriage is more because of ME then HIM. But the point is, how do I change that? I love M. I seriously do. As Mel talked about in her post, M too is that missing piece of my brain. I cannot imagine life without him. I tried. I went to Delhi, thinking I would see how it feels. Stayed away from him, didn’t call. I was MISERABLE!

Is this how all marriages are?

Welcome ICLWers and some random thoughts

2011-06-22T23:33:00.000+05:30

How long has it been? How long has been since I first became a mom? When I changed forever? 4 long years. Yet, the memories rush in sometimes and leave me i tears. I look at Danny and wonder what s/he would have looked like. How different would life have been? I know these are questions with no answers, yet I do think of them...Not always, in fact after Danny's birth, that memory has become less painful. But there are days like today when it feels like just yesterday.

************************************************************************
Welcome ICLWers!! I appreciate you dropping in to say hi. I havent been much of a blogger this last few weeks (as my last post explains) but I am getting back into the groove and your comments are just the fuel I need to get me back to action!!!

What do I tell you about me? I much more then just my IF journey. I am an Indian, a Buddhist. A SAHM who was formerly an Editorial Manager. I miss working, yet just cannot bring myself to leave Danny behind to start working again full time (and ahem, nobody seems to want to hire me either because I am TOO experienced) I write to reach out to people. I am honest to a fault, and my blog posts have landed me in numerous troubles because I have refused to be anonymous (too much self love can be destructive eh? )

The one thing I hate about myself? Being a hypochondriac!

The one thing I love about myself? I NEVER give up. No matter what happens, no matter what depths of hell I am in (believe me I have seen some shitty hells in my 32 years of life), I rise (thus the phoenix in my url!)

Whats happening in my life right now? My husband M and I are trying to fix our marriage. and also pursuing adoption. I want to TTC# 2 too, but am not sure about that as yet. M is a good father and a good husband too, but he is yet ti learn to be a good partner. And I need to stop being too needy.

Okay, enough about me, go ahead tell me about yourself!

The days gone by...

2011-06-18T10:33:00.000+05:30

...were tough. 'things' happened in real life since I last posted.

M's maternal grandfather died of cancer.
My MIL's grandmother fell ill and is in the hospital right now.
My Friend N got a BFP after years of TTC and IVF, it ended in a miscarriage.
My freind K's MIL was diagnosed with Cervical cancer. Currently undergoing chemo.
My BFF ND had 2 freaking surgeries to remove some lump from her breast. She has a son three months younger than Danny.
My next door neighbor, whom I really admire and respect, and who is one of the best humans I know, had a stroke. He is just 45.
Two of my good friends, C and P, found out that their husbands have been chheating on them. P has been married for the last 19 years. C got married in January this year.
There was a huge storm here and my net connection bonked out. Couldn't send an article on time. Lost my freelance job.
My marriage has a long way to go before it can be called happy.
Finances were (still is actually) crappy. SO crappy that I wrote this mail to my sisters.
"how are you girls? I miss being near my family actually. But in a way I am glad. I am so gladdd you all are doing well..actually everyone seems to be doing well, everyone but us that is. I don't envy you but I do feel with each passing day that I live in a different world. I feel bad that sooner than LATER Danny will realize that he is not the same as his cousins. I hope we can make enouh money before Danny is old enough to understand all this. But honestly it doesn'nt feel good to be poor. I hope we can make things better. It just feels so lonely at times..."

I needed to be there with these people. I love them all so much But my body just revolted against me. I used to wake up in the morning feeling like I had jut run a marathon. I was exhausted and my body hurt, every inch of it. I tried to reach out to these wonderful people..but the constant pain and tiredness kept pushing me towards the dark hell of depression. I needed this time IRL to work on myself. My partner in my spiritual journey P told me that I was wasting so much energy on thinking. I was letting my intellect rule me, instead of letting my spirit soar. It was so true! I was convinced that I had cancer. I was too scared to go to the doctor. I decided to immerse myself in Faith, Study and Practice. Slowly I emerged....Things are still tough..but I am now concentrating on strengthening my spiritual core. I am trying not to think about spirituality. I am trying to feel it instead.

PS: Thanks JJiraffe and Surly Mama for thinking of me.

What is happiness for you?

2011-05-23T13:07:00.000+05:30

You should be happy. You have everything you ever wanted. Life is complete. But you feel that gnawing hole in your existence. Something is missing. Something so intangible, that you don’t even know what it is, forget about getting it. Maybe that’s how life is supposed to be. Maybe it is just not possible to be completely happy and satisfied. Maybe but I just can’t accept that. There cannot be any other reason for our existence but to be happy. All we do, every action of ours is in pursuance of happiness.

So why are we never truly and completely happy? Why is there something missing in life, no matter what we achieve or possess?

Personally I believe that the happiness comes in the working for the desired goal, not in achieving it. Couples that are always WORKING at making their marriage successful are happy because they are not content to sit back and say, “Well, I’m now happy, nothing else to do.” Getting our home or yard decorated or landscaped is fun while we are doing it. Not in standing on the sidewalk with our hands on our hips looking at it. We often THINK that when we are done we will then be happy, not so. Anticipating a long vacation, planning, arranging details, making reservations is often more engrossing and rewarding than actually doing the anticipated activities.

Music!! yup, music makes me happy. Can any one not like music? I thrive on music. I love music whether it’s the swing of jazz, energy of rock, depth of blues or the head banging noise of heavy metal; I lap it all up.
Music is the universal language that speaks to everyone. I may not understand a word of a Spanish song, but its beats, rhythm, its life is enough to make me alive to it. I cannot sing, but I admire and envy those who can. Music makes me alive, it gives my life a meaning even when all else fails to lift my spirits. Listening to a good piece of music can make a thousand miserable moments worth living for. When you hear your favourite song, you feel its being played especially for you, you feel you foot tapping. Music not only touches your body but engulfs your soul too.
***********************************************************************************
Today I am at peace..not because someone gave me an expensive gift, but because I am living my life from my heart....its a beautiful world, if u see it from my eyes...I was upset till I was expecting another to make me complete, till I was waiting for another to fill my life with happiness, and the moment I looked inwards, into my soul, I found all the happiness in the world, all the love in the world.....

Today I know what Buddha meant when he said ‘you, more than anyone else in this world, deserve your love and affection’...I sure do .....

I wish my soul was always so steady and loving...but I know that’s not possible...I will falter..but my real courage will be in getting up...

So I am not someone who will earn in millions, I am not someone who will win a beauty pageant; I am not someone who will win a prize for literature...

I am still special....because I am me!!!!.....I am as special as the birds and the trees....so I don’t have big ambitions, if only I can make a person smile, if only I can make one person happy for a moment...that’s a life well lived......

Don’t love me because I am intelligent, beautiful or successful, love me because I am me...the soul that loves the God in every being,
‘I believe in angels, something good in everything I see....’..for the first time I am writing something without caring that someone might read it...........FREEDOM!!!!

Skinny post

2011-05-22T21:29:00.000+05:30

This is going to be short. I am exhausted...And I don't even know why! (CD2 maybe that's the reason) Feeling low and just want to sleep it out.

OK. Remember this post? This is where I talk about my efforts to gain weight. Well, my first month didn't go too well, and I ended up losing 2 lbs. I went for a weight check yesterday and guess what? I have gained 4 freaking lbs!!!And i actually 2 of these 4 lbs in the last 10 days! Maybe, just maybe, i will reach my target weight of 110 lbs by September.

I am eating as I was just added a glass of milk (with protein supplement) and eggs to my diet. My guess is that now that Danny is FINALLY sleeping through he night, I too am sleeping better and THAT may have helped me gain weight.Funny thing is that although I have gained weight, and sleeping better, i am feeling tired and pooped out. Wonder what's up.

The other skinny person in our family, Danny is getting too many "oh he is so skinny" comments lately. Makes me so so angry! I am looking for witty responses. Right now I shrug it off with a smile or say "he is like his mom" But i want to say something that will make the person understand that it is RUDE to say things like "are you not feeding him" "He is so skinny, what are you doing to him?". I never look at a chubby toddler and ask the mom why she is overfeeding him. I just don't want Danny to go through what I did. I don't want him to develop body image issues. Ideas?

PS: Thanks for dropping by from ICLW. I promise to start commenting in a day or so. I just need to get some energy back.

Just a thought

2011-05-20T11:39:00.000+05:30

Loneliness and the feeling of being unwanted is the most terrible poverty. Mother Teresa

Baby Shower...For Haidee with Love

2011-05-18T21:46:00.000+05:30

Today is a very special day for a very special person. Today is Haidee’s virtual baby shower hosted by the wonderful Athena from A Field of Dreams. Haidee (from Maybe Baby... (or Maybe the Loony Bin?) is expecting her first child in July. A fellow IFer who experienced 3 years of infertility and 3 cycles of IVF will finally welcome her son.

This post is my gift for Haidee. We in India don’t really have baby showers so forgive me if this sounds a little off.

Congratulations Haidee. I wondered what I could give you to make this day memorable and I decided to go India...

How about a little dress for the little prince printed with the holiest motif existing in Hinduism?

I also found this adorable little toy Ganesha to keep your boy company and help him sleep through the night

For you and your DH, I got this beautiful dress...sure to make you feel like royalty.

Finally, an open invitation to visit India, be my guest and explore my beautiful with your family.

These are mere symbols (But if you do accept my invitation to visit India, I promise you the time of your life). Symbols of our happiness, we are so happy – for you. I wish you and your family all the happiness in the world.

I want to share a poem with you. It’s an English translation of a poem written by Rabindra Nath Tagore (Nobel Prize Winning Bengali Poet)

Baby’s World

I wish I could take a quiet corner in the heart of my baby's very
own world.
I know it has stars that talk to him, and a sky that stoops
down to his face to amuse him with its silly clouds and rainbows.
Those who make believe to be dumb, and look as if they never
could move, come creeping to his window with their stories and with
trays crowded with bright toys.
I wish I could travel by the road that crosses baby's mind,
and out beyond all bounds;
Where messengers run errands for no cause between the kingdoms
of kings of no history;
Where Reason makes kites of her laws and flies them, the Truth
sets Fact free from its fetters.

Wordless Wednesday

2011-05-18T11:30:00.001+05:30

With his great grand ma...Smiling adoringly even with 104 fever.

A visit to the doctor can be an eye opener

2011-05-16T15:12:00.000+05:30

This post is whiny and may make no sense at all. I will understand if you don’t read it. But if you do, I would love to hear from you, I appreciate your advice.

I have been having this weird breast pain for the last 10 days or so. Generally I have this problem a few days before AF arrives, but this time it started on CD5. I ignored it for a few days, hoping that it would just go away on its own. I just didn’t want to go see Dr A, my Ob/Gyn. But this Saturday, the pain got so bad that I had to go see her. As usual, the waiting room was filled with pregnant woman.

I love Dr. A. She is simply awesome, an amazing human being whose very presence is reassuring. It turned out that I have Fibrocystic breasts, that a month on Vitamin E can easily treat. As Dr. A was writing out my prescription, she asked me about Danny and then asked if we were thinking about a second child. I mumbled about our adoption plans but in the silence that ensued I couldn’t help blurt out “I still want to experience pregnancy again”. And I started crying. Stupid I know, but on hindsight I realize I had been hiding this desire so deep in my heart that when it burst forth, it actually was a relief. But Dr. A said something that really made me realize that she ‘gets’ it. She said ‘You don’t need to feel guilty because you want to get pregnant again. That’s just the way our bodies were designed. Just because you told and convinced everyone including yourself that you were moving on with adoption does not mean that your body understood that. Your body wants to get pregnant and that’s completely normal.” She is right. I feel like such a hypocrite because its just not a second bay I crave for but s second pregnancy. I still get jealous when I see a pregnant belly. I feel guilty for not feeling 100% with adoption. Its not that I don’t want to adopt but I also want to get pregnant. Does this make any freaking sense? Its all so very confusing.

Dr. A suggested that if I decide to TTC again. I should come down for a follicular test as she thinks I am not ovulating (NEVER had that problem while TTC#1) and follow up with three Letrozole (Indian equivalent of Clomid) cycles. While TTC#1, my medicated cycles had all resulted in BFN, don’t see why it would be any different now.

But the fact is I Don’t know what I should do? The adoption process is well underway and I just CANNOT cancel this process, not if I want to look myself in the mirror everyday and not feel like low life hypocrite.

The questions are endless:

1. Do I want 3 kids?

2. Do I try to fall pregnant just because my body craves it? Does his make any sense?

3. Do I actually TTC#2 and go through month after month of BFNs and heartache?

4. Should I EVEN be thinking about all this when I have so many other issues to deal with? My relation with M (which is improving, but we still have work to do, or my career?)

Its not that I am terribly unhappy but ‘this feeling’ lies just below the surface. I didn’t know this “ME”. I don’t know how to deal with this new layer in my character. I wish I could just forget about TTC#2 or even baby number 2. I want to be happy with my miracle son. Tell me how to just peel this layer and throw it away…

Moving on...

2011-05-10T22:10:00.001+05:30

Now that the mess created by the Anon commenter is behind me, I can do what I love doing..Blog!
This is going to be a bullet point post because a) I got a lot to share b) I am lazy!

I am busy. With a almost 20 month old toddler it possible cannot be otherwise. But I am also busy with A (remember M's cousin brother who stays with us). He is 13 so you can imagine what I have to deal with. I am also pretty sick of my OCD when it comes to keeping the house clean. NOTE TO SELF: sweeping the house 10 times a day is STUPID, specially when you got a 20 month old!! I have started my research on dad and hope to get something done in that front soon. We'll also be launching our website on the 30th of May (more on that after the launch). The website is taking up a lot of time. I have also taken up some work from home projects. and I am super excited about doing a guest post for one of my favourite bloggers and an amazing human. So, yes..super busy but HAPPPY busy. I love earning money, hate asking others for money.
I am in the middle of an arthritis flare up. I have learned to live with it now. I refuse to take steroids and am treating it with Ayurvedic medicine. As I said, learning to live with it.
Danny starts school next month. Its actually play school, 3 hours everyday. Can't believe Danny will be going to school. Where is time flying. NOTE TO SELF: savour each moment before its gone.
No news on the adoption front. MIL asked me to give away D's old swing and stroller. I was saving them for my daughter. They are a symbol of hope for me. If I give them away, I will feel like we are closing our doors. I know we can always buy new ones but for me, when we bought them, they were for D and and Aryana. Untill Aryana comes into our lives, they will stay put and take up space (as MIL said)
Happy to have spent the last 15 days without M's granny. Not easy to stay with an 84 year old you know!
I maybe jinxing myself but got to share this with you girls. Danny has not woken up at night for milk this week. He wakes up once still, for water (its crazy hot here). Way better then drinking formula thrice a night. Now fingers crossed that the trend continues.
I attended a Buddhist meeting this Saturday. We sang a beautiful song there and I wanted to share it with you..here are the lyrics:

Dare to believe there's a song in your heart
Dare to believe in your dreams
Nothing can stop you from playing your part
As long as you dare to believe

Too many people hold themselves back
When they should be reaching out
Too many people on the wrong track
Led astray by a seed of doubt
We don't have to live that way
The sun is up on a brand new day

Too many people say its al-right
never seeing a need to change
too many people hiding their light
underneath a cloud of pain
We don't have to bow our heads
Lift them up sing joy instead

And there's no time like the present time
I am gonna go non stop, right now
I have got something that I know is mine...

PS: Just realized that today I completed four years of blogging! Wow!

What's with these comments?

2011-05-08T22:27:00.000+05:30

Whoever you are, you made your point. You wanted to hurt me, did great..now please move on, and let me blog...Because unlike you I am not afraid. I don't hide behind anonymity...I know my life is a mess...but its my mess...you can just go take a hike...

I want to break free...

2011-05-06T22:51:00.000+05:30

I want to dance like nobody is watching. Did I ever tell you how much I love dancing? I want to forget I am a mother, a wife, a sister, a daughter, a friend...I want to dance in celebration of ME...For a few moments, I just want to live for myself...

Marriage

2011-05-02T23:01:00.001+05:30

You were born together, and together you shall be forevermore.
You shall be together when the white wings of death scatter your days.
Ay, you shall be together even in the silent memory of God.
But let there be spaces in your togetherness,
And let the winds of the heavens dance between you.

Love one another, but make not a bond of love:
Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls.
Fill each other's cup but drink not from one cup.
Give one another of your bread but eat not from the same loaf
Sing and dance together and be joyous, but let each one of you be alone,
Even as the strings of a lute are alone though they quiver with the same music.

Give your hearts, but not into each other's keeping.
For only the hand of Life can contain your hearts.
And stand together yet not too near together:
For the pillars of the temple stand apart,
And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other's shadow.

Kahlil Gibran on Marriage

This is my dream

2011-04-26T11:31:00.000+05:30

I wrote this long ago, end of 2008 to be exact. Then I got pregnant and everything else was just forgotten. Today, I needed to find what I wanted to do. I am not working (Nobody wants to hire me, I have too much experience you see). Instead of wallowing in self pity, I decided to dig this post out. I wanted to write a book about my father. This is something i jotted down...

I am not trying to become an author, I know my limitations....but this is something I want to do...It will be a lot of work. I will need to talk to people who KNEW dad (that generation won't be around for long). I may travel to Bangladesh where dad spend first few years of his life. Its BIG dream. But what are we without dreams?

"He lived a life of unfulfilled dreams. Was he just unlucky? Or was it all he could do? Maybe, in life we should just accept that some of us are not meant to scale the heights of greatness. But accepting ones mediocrity is tough. Life then seems so meaningless. Was that what made him what he was? Bitter?

Who was this man? A man who lived an ordinary life and died an ordinary death.

His life began in the hazy backwaters of Bangladesh. We don’t know much of his life, so may just create one for him. But that will biased wont it? Colored by our eyes, and how we saw him much later in life. Who was he as a child? What were his dreams? What did he think when he watched the waves of the Bay of Bengal? Is it ever possible to peak inside the mind of another and dig out their deepest thoughts? Is it even possible to dig out the thoughts we ourselves had years ago? Are not our memories colored by today’s reality?

So yes, we'll just create a life for him. A life we think he should have had. We can listen to people around him as they describe him, but can they ever describe his thoughts? How can we do justice to him? How can we remain true to his memories, when he is not even here to defend them? Do we have the right to just barge into another’s life? Even if he is my own father?

Did he think those waves to be beautiful, and lost in the beauty of the moment, or were his thoughts busy with thoughts as mundane as the next meal.

We will never really know. But why do I want to unravel a life that lies deep within the memories of so very few. Why do I want to disturb the peace that now surrounds his memory?

There are so many life stories that deserve to be told, tales of heroism, tales which makes life more meaningful, so why His life? Is it because he was m father? But I hardly even remember him now. His face is just another photograph, his memories hide behind the mist that is time. So why?

Maybe because he deserves it. Like everyone else, his life has to make some sense. His life too deserves to be vindicated. If only to make us feel that yes all life is sacred.

So don’t question if the words that will follow are true or not. Just think of a man who lived unfulfilled dreams and now deserves a voice, after the stillness of death..."

Award Time!!!!

2011-04-25T12:03:00.001+05:30

I sat on it for a few days but did I tell you how much I LOVE getting awards?

The wonderful NewYearMum awarded me the Versatile Blogger Award and the Stylish Blogger Award (OK, so she asked me to choose, I took both of them, I am greedy you see) . New Year Mum has dealt with all that life has thrown her way with such amazing grace that I feel nothing but respect for her.

jjiraffe from TooManyFishToFry also awarded me the Stylish Blogger Award. Girl, I was going to award you the same thing! I got delayed. :) jjiraffe is an amazing woman. A SAHM of twin toddlers, she inspires me everyday.

Thank you so much.

The rules are similar for both the awards so here goes:

1. Link back to the person who gave you the award

2. Tell 7 things about yourself....(I will change this rule a little and tell you seven things about Danny and me combined)

1. Danny is named after a very dear bloggy friend of mine - Danelle. His Indian name is Agastya which means 'one who defeats the mountain'.

2. I hate cooking but love to eat mostly Indian food.

3. I have LARGE family. Three elder sisters and a younger brother. My eldest sister is 10 years older to me and my brother is 5 years younger..

4. I speak/read/write 3 languages, and learning the fourth. English is my third language.

5. I once helped a friend to run away from home when I was 18! Her parents were arranging her marriage with a guy she didn't like ans she was only 19. So I helped her run away and get a job.

6. I once slapped a guy in the middle of a market because he was getting too close. Guess what? He slapped me right back! Lesson learned - Never slap a guy in Delhi.

7. I like to try new things, experiment. And that includes religion. Have dabbled with most of the major religions of the world. Have also tried stuff life past life regression.

3. Award other bloggers The Versatile Blogger award is for 15 'recently discovered bloggers' and for the Stylish Blogger Award is for 15 blogs 'you feel deserve this award')....

And the Award goes too....

Versatile Blogger Award: Unfortunately I have not read too many new blogs recently so can think of only two right now.

Carmela from one in eight couples

and Ms2mrs

Stylish Blogger Award: (I picked my top 12)

TooManyFishtoFry

AFieldofDreams

Cooked Heads

Stumbling Gracefully

A Woman my Age

Aisha Iqbal

My One PArticular Harbour

One Wheeler's World

Surly Mom

St Elsewhere

A Day in the life of the Preachman's wife

Happily Ever After

4. Contact the recently awarded bloggers and let them know they've won

Desi girl!

2011-04-22T10:55:00.000+05:30

I thought I should share a couple of my pictures where am dressed Indian!

My wedding...

This was when I was working. Sigh, seems like such a long time ago. We were having an Ethnic Wear day at work, thus the traditional attire. I won the second prize!

My 4am friends!

2011-04-21T11:33:00.001+05:30

Thats you girls. When I typed out the post yesterday, It was just a cry for help. And then I saw this comment from Tracy and I actually burst out crying. I felt like an old dear friend had hugged me tight. And for the first time in 5 years, I didn't cry or fight when M came home. In fact I was fast asleep when came. And then today morning I saw more *hugs* from Aisha and Athena, and I KNEW what I had to do. Another good IRL friend sent me a message on FB today, asking me if I needed to talk. what she wrote in her message further made me look inside for my strength. Part of her message read "Totally understand if you don't, but just wanted to let you know that there is someone who knew you before all of this happened to you and I'm concerned that that person has been completely dwarfed by all these problems..."

I am copy pasting my reply to her here

Thanks so much XXX, for reaching out. Yes, I am battling a few problems but I am a fighter right? Its not easy, but then nobody promised me an easy life. I am fighting it and I will make it. M and I are having problems, maybe if things don't improve, I may walk out. But I am hopeful. I had a good conversation with him today. I told him that Danny will learn from him, what he does today, Danny will do tomorrow. THAT hit home. If something can change M, this is it. IF this doesnt work, I will be back in Delhi.

M is a good guy, don't get me wrong. Other then his need for his friends, he is perfect! Your last few words really hit home. The person I was? I don't want to lose her. Thanks for reminding me of myself, my strength.

The adoption process is tougher then I thought. But you know what keeps me going? Danny! I love him to bits. and for him and myself I will make sure I remain strong.

PS: I just realized i have typed out a whole blog post. :)

Thanks again.

I want to repeat what I told XXX. M is a good husband, a great father. The reason I am still with him. What M is today is because of his father. M's father wasn't much of a father. And when I told M today that Danny will be learning from him, I saw something change in his eyes. I saw something I have never seen before - sadness. M loves Danny more than his life. As I told my IRL friend, if ever there was a reason for M to change, THIS is it.

Now I wait. And see if he does change. But if doesn't, that will be my cue to make my exit. As Aisha said, when have to leave, you have to leave. But I am hopeful. You guys keep us in your prayers.

And you girls? YOU rock. THANKS SO MUCH.....I don't know what changed, but I needed to have this public display of weakness to find strength again.

What keeps me going?

2011-04-18T10:40:00.000+05:30

THIS!!!!

Anger, Sadness and Guilt

2011-04-15T21:36:00.000+05:30

I am angry. No, angry is a small word for what I am feeling right now.

Remember the baby we wanted to adopt and who was sent to an orphanage instead? I never knew the reason behind the hospital administration decision.

Untill today. M friend, the one who had given us all the information about the baby in the first place told me all about it today. Guess what happened? M’ friend told the hospital administration (of which he is also a part) to put send the baby to an orphanage because “the more I thought of it, the more I saw the baby, I realized that you wouldn’t want to adopt such a dark baby” straight from the horse’s mouth. The poor little baby was sent off to an orphanage because she is dark!

She should have been here with me today. I should have been putting her to bed, holding her close. Instead, she is in some impersonal orphanage. Is he being fed okay? When my niece came to my sister from an orphanage, she was 3 months old and weighed 5 lbs. That’s how good the babies are cared for. I hope and pray the baby is adopted soon. Hope she NEVER meets a bigot like M’s friend.

I feel so incredible sad. Things could have been so different if that bigot had just asked us for our opinion. For as long as I live, I would never be able to forgive that guy. I wanted to bite his head off. Scream “NO, that’s not how it works.”

I am also filled with guilt. M’s friends parting shot was “don’t worry, soon there will be a girl at the hospital who would be perfect for you”. Is that what I am praying for? For a baby to be abandoned by her family? For her to suffer from a loss so terrible we can never even comprehend it?

I am devastated. I want my daughter.

Back...with a whimper

2011-04-12T16:49:00.002+05:30

Yup, am back from Delhi. What a freaking trip! Remember my last post? Well, the very next day I was hit hard by a flu virus. A couple of days later Danny was down with viral fever. He became super clingy and refused to go to anyone. I finally gave up and asked M to come take us back. We came back today morning. M? he is my hero now. Hyderabad to Delhi is a 24 hour train journey. M took a train Saturday morning. Reached Delhi Sunday morning. We left for Hyderabad Monday morning and reached today morning and He left for work!

The one good thing about this trip was that I was able to meet my BFF after 2 years!

Today is the 12th right? I need toupdate you guys about my weight gain progress. Here it is. I LOST, yup LOST 2 lbs! Great eh? Skinny momma and skinny Danny have just become skinnier. sigh. Hope this coming month is better

I am going to catch up on all your blogs in the next few days. Must say I missed you people :)

Quick Update

2011-04-01T15:52:00.003+05:30

Sorry for not commenting on your posts. I am in Delhi (my mom's place) and had no access to the Internet. Not feeling very good, mentally or physically. But there is one amazing news. Danny is sleeping 6 hours at a stretch! More on that later. muahhws

32!!!

2011-03-24T20:36:00.003+05:30

I turn 32 on the 26^th of this month. That’s a couple of days right? I love my birthdays! Silly I know. But I just feel so excited when everyone calls me, just my special day.

The last year was the hardest, most tiring, trying and FULFILLING year of my life. I saw Danny blossom into a toddler. Each and Every moment (even the sleepless nights, but that’s on hindsight) were amazing and magical. But honestly? The days I am most thankful for were the 3 days away I spent in city B. I had gone there to meet my best friends for college. It was pure heaven. I can never thank M enough for taking care of Danny, while my friends I had a blast! We drank ourselves silly. We gossiped. It felt like I was back in college.

What am I looking forward to in the coming year is definitely improved finances and my career to move somewhere. Right now the jobs I being offered are not ready to dole out the money I deserve.

I also hope the coming year is better on our marriage. I am leaving for Delhi on the 27^th (meeting family = HAPPINESS). Earlier I had planned this trip as a trial separation. I had planned to move to Delhi, get a job and live there for a year. See how things go. But the last month has changed that mind set. My marriage is better than ever. M is making efforts. Most importantly, I am not being ‘needy’.

Okay now to take care of some pending business. Laura at “SurlyMama” tagged me eons ago for 20 questions. Sorry for the delay Laura. I am lazy! And I am not doing the 20 questions, just the ones I like (again lazy me!)

Rule #1: The tagged person must write their answers on their blog and replace any question they dislike with a new question formulated by themselves.

Rule #2: Tag 3 people to do this quiz; they cannot refuse (ok, so nothing bad will happen if you don’t participate but I would love to see your answers). The tag-ee must state who tagged them.

1. If you could have a dream come true, what would it be?
I have this very silly dream. I want to visit Paris. Sit at one of those road side cafes and drink coffee. Wait. That’s not all. I want to do this wearing a polka dotted dress and a hat. Silly, ya I know.

2. What would you do with a billion dollars?
Build my dream house and a animal shelter

3. What helps to pull you out of a bad mood?
Music and books

4. If you are currently in a relationship, how did you meet your significant other? If you aren’t, what have you tried in the past few years to meet someone?
I met M online. Yup! We were chatting to our friends online on a site called Hi5. M decided to have some fun chatting with this girl with this weird name. The rest, as they say, is history.

5. What kind of books do you read?
I read everything! I'm currently reading “Who do you think you are, Michael Schumacher?” Hillarious.

6. What’s your fear?
Losing the people I love and cancer.

7. Would you give up all junk food for the rest of your life for the opportunity to see outer space?
Oh yes. I will give up much more for that opportunity! I don’t like junk food in any case.

8. If you could pick a new name for yourself, what would it be?
I LOVE my name – Chhandita. Its unique. But there was a time when I was dating this guy when I wanted to convert to his religion and change my name to “Zainab” I still love this name..

I am tagging A Year on, One Perfect Emby, and Lavonne from Our Wish

Why I call myself an infertile

2011-03-23T14:39:00.003+05:30

First of all, thank you for commenting on my last post. I got Typsy when she was a just a few weeks old. I miss her. This post is a scattering of thoughts. Forgive my wayward brain.

A couple of well meaning people have recently asked me why I insist on calling myself an infertile. After all, I have a baby and my IF journey was a minor hiccup when compared with the battles women out their fight with this life altering disease.

This post is a reply to them.

First of all, my IF journey was just that - MY journey. It was life altering. It changed me, it changed how I viewed life. It was my journey, it was my heartache, it was my gut wrenching desire for a baby. Don’t claim to understand how I felt.

But there is a bigger reason why I am so open about our struggle to conceive. I openly blog about it. Anyone can Google me and reach my blog and read all about it. I do it so women out there who are struggling with IF silently may reach out. We have NO support system here in India. And I just wish I could reach out to some people and maybe help them a little. Case in point: My friend D had been TTC#1 for 5 years. When I told her about my struggle she opened up. She cried. We talked about it a lot. I had the knowledge which helped her to nudge her RE to move forward to an IUI. D is currently expecting he first baby.

Another acquaintance N was TTC#1 for 7 freaking years. After we talked about it, we realized that HSG was not a part of the tests she had undergone till now, She went ahead and got a HSG done. Guess what? Both her tubes are BLOCKED! I so wanted to go out and sue her RE or something. What if she had known this a little earlier? How many years of heartache might she been saved of? She is currently undergoing IVF.

I am not just talking about infertility, I am just paying it forward.

The questions are starting again "when are you planning on your second baby?" "An only child really gets lonely, you should have another"

Will this ever end? I thought that once I have a baby, people will stay off my case. Not the case. Recently M’s 80 something granny asked me that she so desires me to have a little girl. When I told her that the baby will be here in a little over 3 years (unless we get to do a private adoption before that) she said she won’t be around for so long, that I should get pregnant and have a baby all ready. I am not working after all. I have all the time in the world!

The worst thing is that all these people know that we had trouble conceiving the first time around, still they insist on being the expert.

My MIL recently asked me to get an HSG. Why? Because I got pregnant a month after my HSG the last time around. Wow, just Wow…

I am saving the best for the last. I was discussing our adoption with a very close friend of mine, I was just bitching about the long wait and how tough it is when she came out with this gem “But what I don’t understand is why you need to adopt when you can have your own” own? You mean an adopted child won’t be mine? When I told her that TTC wasn’t easy for me she came out with another gem “Don’t try. Just don’t use BC and RELAX”.

Are you chuckling yet?

PS: I don't want to jinx it but the CIO (or my version of it "fuss it out") method seems to working. We are not yet sleeping through the night, but we are getting there.

She is gone

2011-03-20T21:03:00.003+05:30

Typsy is dead. My baby. She was 12 years old. Sorry baby I left you with Joy (my brother) after marriage. But I know you were so loved. There is not a single dry eye in Delhi right now.

I know some of you would say she was just a dog. But it hurts so bad. I can't stop remembering and crying. I want this pain to end.

Short and not so sweet

2011-03-19T11:42:00.002+05:30

Trying to teach D to sleep through the night with the Cry it Out Method. In the process losing my sleep. Last 2 days = total 5 hours of sleep. Not giving up yet. In zombie land. Have so much to share. Will post when am more coherent.

HAPPY HOLY folks. Holi is my favorite festival. Am off to nap. Hope your life is filled with colours of love, laughter, adventure and whatever else you wish...Yawnnn..am off.

Where is my weight gain ticker?

2011-03-12T21:06:00.006+05:30

So I see all these with this little ticker on top indicating how much weight the blogger has lost and how much more she needs to lose before she reaches her goal. Pretty convenient, if I may say so. But here is my pet peeve – where do I find a ticker which will help me keep tab on how much weight I have GAINED, and much I need to gain to reach my ideal weight?

You see, I have decided to embark on a ‘weight gain’ mission. I know it’s going to be very difficult, having spent all my life in this endeavor. For more info check this out)

Me as a 14 year old

In college

3 months after giving birth

Most recent pic

So you see, I have always been SKINNY

The best I did was during the end of 2008 when I reached 112lbs! I am trying to remember what I did different during that period so I can do that again. But the only thing that was different during that period was that we did a lot BD! We were TTC that time, remember? And obviously I have an 18month old to run after now, and I am sleep deprived. But still I am giving myself this challenge. I weigh around 101 lbs right now (got myself weighed today). My goal is to reach 110lbs by Danny’s 2^nd birthday – that’s 6 months from now. I will update you guys on my weight gain (or lack there off) every 12^th of the month.

What YOU can do to help me: Give me tips. I eat, so don’t tell me to do that. I love to eat. What else?

PS: I will post about the adoption fiasco in a couple of days. trying to get info on what exactly happened.

Remember the little girl we wanted to adopt?

2011-03-10T15:06:00.003+05:30

I blogged about her here. Well, she is being sent to an orphanage. We cannot adopt her. They want her to through the foster care system.

I have nothing more to add to that, for today.

Help!!!

2011-03-05T20:56:00.002+05:30

Help!!!!

Okay, before I start, let me declare that I truly love Danny, that he is my miracle, that I do not regret anything, that every moment with him is worth a million$ but…

I do need to SLEEP!!!! When was the last time I slept through the night? Okay, forget sleeping through the night. When was the last time I slept for more than four hours at a stretch? Danny has slept 8 hours a stretch THREE times. I count my blessings when he sleeps for more than 3 hours at a time. He naps once a day. I NEED TO SLEEP! Opps, am I repeating myself? You can’t really blame me girls. I am sleep deprived. I wake up every day, tired, grumpy, looking haggard, and more often than not, with a splitting headache.

I actually HATE it when I read other momma bloggers telling the world that their 18 week old is sleeping through the night. I am filled with a deep sense of envy. What am I doing wrong? Danny will be 18 months old this 16^th. I need him to start sleeping MORE. Is he waking up out of habit? Is he hungry? I do feel he wakes up hungry. Two reasons: Danny is a fussy eater he doesn’t really eat, he grazes. That maybe the reason? Once I feed him (yes he still takes his bottle at night.) he goes right back to sleep. Or is it a comfort thing? Danny doesn’t have his own room (the other bedroom is taken up by A and M’s granny). Danny does have his own bed. But he refuses to sleep there. I know, I know I have created a monster. Here is our daily schedule:

7am-wake up

7am-11am-eating, playing, bathing

11am-nap time (he generally naps for 2 hours)

1pm till 7.30pm-eating, playing (driving me crazy)

7.30 pm-bathing, reading, drinking his banana smoothie

8pm-go to sleep (I sleep at 11pm as M comes back from work at 10.30)

11pm-1^st drink

2am-second waking

5-6am-third feed

A little help please? Suggestions?

Its been more over 15 years, yet the memories refuse to age...

2011-03-03T20:36:00.001+05:30

The man I called ‘Bapi’, my father, lost his battle with cancer. I was 15 when he was diagnosed, too carefree, too happy, to bother about my father’s illness. After all, I KNEW he would get better. He was my father, and things like these happened to others, never to us.

My 15th year was also the year of my first love, the kind of puppy love that blinds one to everything, even a monster called cancer, slowly devouring ones father becomes secondary.

But no love, no infatuation, could prepare me for the silence. To prevent the cancer from spreading, the doctors removed Bapi’s voice box. That booming voice, that melodious voice that sung us our favourite lullabies, was silenced forever. That was the beginning of the end. We were trying, fighting, to keep him alive. But Bapi just gave up and slowly slipped. He was soon bedridden, and could not eat. His food was made into a paste and fed through a pipe that was directly attached to his stomach.

The man who loved talking, singing, even doing that silly ‘duck’ dance, the man, whose love for food was legendary, had been robbed of the very things that made him happy. Even today, when I eat some special Bengali sweet, I remember Bapi’s expression of delight, after having eaten his favourite sweet. I still feel pangs of guilt, when I eat something really delicious, and wish I could go back in time and share this with him.

We knew that it was a losing battle, yet, my sisters, my 11 year old brother and I went to sleep each night, praying for just another day with the man who had struggled all his life, who had lost his father at 1 and started working at 14 to support his widowed mother. Bapi led a life of unfulfilled dreams, yet his love for life was infectious, till cancer came knocking. He would sit with the ‘kabadiwala’ and share a cup of tea; he would pick up stray puppies and buy feeding bottles for them, although his income was too little to even support his large family of 5 children. His pride, his garden, was full of bloom, and it seemed at times that he was trying to fill the garden with colours he longed for in his own life. He could not finish his graduation, but he had knowledge that would have put any graduate today to shame. His newspaper was his window to the world, and an unforgettable image of Bapi sitting in his garden, spectacles perked on his proud long nose, eyes glued to the newspaper…….

Cancer had robbed Bapi of his spirit, yet we wanted him to hang on. It was too soon. He was just 53! But a part of us, the unselfish part of us, prayed for his freedom, freedom from that wrecked his body and soul.

That’s how I felt one day, when I sat beside his skeletal body, filled with bed sores. I was reading my first poem to him. Suddenly I wanted to shout and ask him to listen, to understand, that his daughter, the daughter of a lower middle class man, who hardly had any knowledge of English, had written a poem in that language. I wanted him to feel proud. I needed him to be around, so I could make his life a little better…..

My 3 elder sisters were married, but they, along with my brothers in law, were our pillars of strength. I remember once when all the family was gathered together, Bapi looked at my eldest brother in law and then looked at my younger brother and me. It was his silent request, and it was understood. My Jijju took Bapi’s hand and said “Chaitali and Joy will make it”……

On 27th July 1995, around 9 at night, my mom said that the time had come. My sisters were called, asked to hurry and see their father one last time. One neighbour aunty gave me a copy of the “Gita” and asked me to read it to him. Bapi was sleeping peacefully. Ma gave my brother a sleeping draught, to spare him the pain of seeing Bapi go. All, but my eldest sister, were there when it happened. The tears broke out. I could not understand anything. I put my hand on Bapi’s chest but could not hear anything. Everybody was crying now. I was numb, I couldn’t feel anything. My friend rushed to hug me, yet I didn’t cry. It was just a bad dream…My eldest sister arrived 15 minutes late. She sat beside Bapi and sobbed, whispering, “why couldn’t you wait for 15 minutes”.

The rest of the night passed in a whirl. Morning came, and my brother was gently woken up and fed. They were unable to break it to the 11 year child, how does one tell a 11 year old that his father was no more? I, still in my denial mode, dragged him to where Bapi lay, draped in white. My brother shrieked and ran to a corner; he sat there sobbing….all for 5 minutes, then he grew up, never to shed a tear again. He then sat stone faced besides his father’s body, fanning, to keep the flies away. At that moment I realized what had happened. The flood finally broke. I cried as they carried “Bapi” away. The word “Bapi” had become part of memories now. The emptiness, the knowledge that a person who meant the world to you, the person who brought you your first bicycle, as all your rich friends had one, that person would no longer be there. That special smell, that special touch, it was all gone forever.

Bapi left us with bitter memories of that one year, but he also left a family who have stuck together through the worst storms, He left behind the thirst to make it big. We had to do it; for him. We, his children, his treasure, had made his existence make sense. We had to learn to value life. And we did. We made it, Bapi. I know you must be doing you “duck” dance now…..

Wordless Wednesday

2011-03-02T14:25:00.001+05:30

Memories...

Why didn't I find this site earlier? plus an update.

2011-02-28T20:58:00.004+05:30

Today I found the following link on my FB page (wonder how FB knew I needed help?).

http://www.pregnancymiracle.com/Pregnancy-Miracle.htm?hop=m231g

hallelujah!! All our problems are solved. Who knew it all so easy eh?

Update: Thanks for all your wishes. My friends u/s scan went well and the baby is growing right on target. She has been put on bed rest though and is on progesterone (injections and suppository).

Prayers Needed

2011-02-27T12:09:00.002+05:30

A friend of mine (she is not a bloggy friend, but a neighbour) has been struggling with with IF for the last 5 years. Two years ago she lost a pregnancy at 4 and a half months. She got her miracle BFP on on January 25th. On 12 February she went for her first ultrasound. According to my calculations, she should have been 8 weeks along, but the scan showed a sac of 5 weeks 3 days - but there was a heartbeat. The doctor didn't say anything alarming, but she has her follow-up scan today. PLEASE send her all your prayers. She deserves this baby.

A little love story

2011-02-26T12:17:00.004+05:30

This is a little love story I wrote before I began to officially TTC. Anyone who really knows me will easily understand that this is MY love story. Monali is me and Anubhav is M, my husband.

She believed in soul mates

Monali sighed as she read the final lines of the novel she was reading. She had lost count of how many times she had read ‘Pride and Prejudice’. But each time she read it, she thought about soul mates. She looked around while putting the book back into her ‘jhola’. 30 minutes more in the bus home from office. The bus she was traveling in was filled to the brim, with hardly any space to stand. Perfume, mingled with the sweat wafted about her, but she didn’t mind. She had managed to get the coveted window seat. “Today is my lucky day” Smiled Monali, as she looked out of the window. In a bus, where even a tiny place to stand was precious, the window seat was nothing less then a treasure. This one and a half hour journey from office to home, in this unbelievable overcrowded bus, was her daily routine. Years of traveling in the local buses of Delhi had hardened her.

But this wasn’t Delhi, she remembered, and sighed again. Monali looked out towards the blinking lights on Kolkata’s smog filled streets and thought how similar these two places were, yet so different. She suddenly longed for the famous Delhi brashness; to hear Delhi’s punjabaiya Hindi, for home!

Her mind drifted back to the book she had just finished. And the rest of the world faded into oblivion. For the moment she was Elizabeth and he, Mr Darcy, she thought dreamily about Anubhav, her husband. “Only difference is that my Mr. Darcy isn’t quite so rich” Monali thought ruefully. She thought about her first Mills and Boon book. How long ago was it? 15-16 years? She, like so many girls her age had found romance in those pages and had formed the image of the perfect prince charming.

The magic of the book she had just finished was wearing off, and she was back in reality. As a 16 year old, Monali would have refused to accept that at 29 she would still be struggling, hanging on for dear life in an overcrowded bus. Her future was about prince charming, and a comfortable life, a life that was better than the daily financial struggles she lived through…..

Monali was a dreamer, had always been, but she was brave enough to face the reality and stand by her decisions. Marrying Anubhav was her choice. Marrying a man who earned half of what she did had drawn murmurs of disapproval from her otherwise liberal family. But Anubhav was an amazing human being – honest, loving, free-thinking, and he had the potential to make it big….Monali believed in him, and her belief and happiness was all her family asked for.

Yet, there were times when she wondered what it would have been like if she had agreed to an arranged marriage with that super rich commercial pilot? Or that business magnate who had taken a fancy to her at some family wedding?

“Not again” Monali thought guiltily as she touched her mangalsutra. “I love Anubhav” she told herself forcefully, and found she could believe her words still.

Life wasn’t a bed of roses, far from it. Monali did get tired of being the primary provider of the family even after four years of marriage, while Anubhav pursued his dream of becoming a musician. Paying the EMIs for a house that wasn’t even in her name, looking after the financial needs of Anubhav’s extended family did drain her out at times!

Was love enough? Was she being selfish in wanting a better life? Perhaps an easier life where it wasn’t a tough decision reaching for the simple things she wanted from life – being able to buy her favourite book or music, going for that vacation. She wasn’t materialistic. But was it too much to hope for a day when she could go to sleep without wondering what will happen if lost her job? She didn’t mind working; she had worked hard to reach the position in her career that could be termed successful. If she were single, her job as the assistant manager in a marketing firm would have given her a life of luxury. She loved the challenges of her work, the money it gave her. But she didn’t even have the freedom to spend the money at her will. The money was needed at home, to pay all those bills…..

Monali was rudely awakened from her reverie by the shrill laughter of a child. She turned to look at her new companion, a little toddler looking adoringly at his proud mother. Monali smiled at the child, drawing instant smile from the baby. She touched his fingers, feeling tears burning behind her eyes. She abruptly turned to her refuge, her window. How she longed for a child. Her emotions, her body longed to hold her child, Anubhav’s and her in her arms…But how could she? Anubhav wasn’t settled yet, even after 4 years of marriage…Monali couldn’t afford to leave her job to look after the baby, and Anubhav had made it clear that if they have a child, one of them will have to be a stay at home parent. Expecting an Indian man to be a stay at home dad was taking it too far, although Anubhav did suggest it a few times….. “No regrets”. Monali was getting angry with herself now; her negative thoughts were becoming too persistent. This wasn’t her. She was never like this; she was the fighter, the dreamer. Did the dreamer in her just die?

A sudden tap on her shoulder jerked her out of her trance. The familiar face of the conductor loomed large as he said “madam aapnar stop”. Monali hurriedly picked her jhola, threaded her way out of the crowded bus. It was drizzling out side and there was a slight chill in the air, her favourite weather. She took a deep breath, closed her eyes and felt the first raindrops on her face. Monali looked deep inside her soul, to find her strength, to start dreaming again... Monali opened her eyes and smiled! The smile broadened into a silent laugh as she watched Anubhav waiting for her in his age-eaten bike, drenched to the bone. The raindrops were rejuvenating her soul. Yes, she believed in soul mates. Hers was standing right in front of her. Together they will make it. Together they will make all their dreams come true…..

And they did come true...I have many more dreams, sure they will come true too....

Faith

2011-02-23T12:32:00.001+05:30

I knew ‘God’ even before I understood the meaning of the word. The earliest memory I have is that of me sitting in the corner of our dusty garden, crying. The memories are foggy, but I do remember that I cried a lot. Maybe its my way of burying the bad memories. I cried because my parents always seemed to fight, I cried because time and again I was told how ugly I was. I had three beautiful elder sisters and even as a five year old I was made aware of the fact that I was an aberration. Every guest who visited us added a new cruel comment that sent me hiding, from the world, from myself.

But even then a small breeze would come floating in, engulf me and tell me how special I was. That breeze would make me feel like a princess. That breeze gave me strength dust my dirty dress, smile and go back to face the world. That breeze sometimes became a sweet song, when I hid in the dark corner of the cupboard. As I grew up, I realized that breeze was God, my God. God never made life easy for me, never took away the obstacles. God gave me courage to fight and grow. I never had to go to place of worship or follow a religion because I found God in my heart, in my soul. It was God who showed me that I did not need to be beautiful to be loved, and suddenly the world loved me-because I had learned to love myself.

God helped me look beyond the ugliness of this world. What was it, if not the strength of God that helped me to live a normal life after a so called uncle tried to molest me as a seven year old, and later when my sister’s boy friend tried to do the same?
I was never bitter. Even after my fiance of four years cheated on me, and the relation came to a heartbreaking end. I did not suddenly stop believing in men or love. And God gave me my soul mate. No matter what, I never lost my faith…even when my father died of cancer, when all my family was questioning God, I did not. The only time I questioned God was when I was TTC. The day I realized that I was losing that special song, that cool breeze, that God no longer spoke tome, I stopped TTC.

What I had was special and TTC almost destroyed that. I still have not heard God in a long time..but I fee his presence, and I know soon he will speak to me again…

Life in Bullet Points

2011-02-19T11:47:00.005+05:30

Yesterday was my fifth wedding anniversary. I had a talk with M sometime back about our marriage and its future. Yesterday, M took a day off from both college and office. A huge, huge deal for him. He never takes time off, for anybody! That’s the main problem we have in our marriage. Not only that. M also did not take any calls from anybody and when his office folks paged him about some important stuff that needed to be done, he mailed them that he would come early in the morning to finish that work. He went to office today morning 5am! Just so he could spend the whole of yesterday with his family. It’s a start, a good start. I think we can work things out. This was my status on FB yesterday “He may not gift me diamonds, but he shampooed my hair when I was too ill to do so myself. He may not buy flowers for me, but his tears when he saw me in pain after the wisdom tooth extraction was enough gift for me. Happy Anniversary Mallik. Our marriage is a roller coaster ride, thank God for that. I would have lost interest long ago otherwise...”

. I don’t think I mentioned earlier that Danny started teething late. He got his first tooth after his first birthday. He now has 7 teeth. Now his molar is on its way out. Ouch, ouch, ouch. I was in any case wasn’t getting enough sleep, but now Danny is waking up every TWO hours at night. Any suggestions on how to ease his pain? And mine?

. During the first two months after Danny’s birth, he refused to sleep – at all! I actually carried him around the whole day. The moment I put him down he would start howling. I went days without bathing ( I had NO help). Food became a luxury. In the third month I discovered the binky and what a lifesaver it was. Danny learned to sleep! Next two months were the best. He slept in his crib and everything was fantastic. But then he learned to roll over and I got scared shit of SIDS so I bought him over to our bed to co-sleep. I tried to get him back to his crib – no use. Danny now owns our bed. BAD BAD for my sleep. This guy’s a mover. He moves 360 degrees and kicks and sits up and talks in his sleep, sigh.

.Danny is almost potty trained. We still have accidents, but they are few and far between. Danny is diaper free during the daytime. Night time is another story altogether.

. No more TTC for me. I have given up. Call me a loser if you want to, but I can’t take the stress. I have my miracle baby, and if the Universe wants, we will be able to adopt our second child. I am thinking of getting my tubes tied. What? An infertile getting her tubes tied seems ridiculous . but otherwise a single unprotected incident gives way to hope, and then heartbreak.

. Yesterday, we got news that a little baby girl has been abandoned in M’s friend’s hospital. It breaks my heart. Things like these are very common here in India where a girl child is unwanted. She is three months old. The hospital administration is trying to get her adopted. We said we are interested. Haven’t heard from them yet. I live in hope.

. I have started chanting again. Chanting helped me so much earlier, and I am sure it will help me find myself again. I am walking out of the darkness. I don’t like it here.

Self-Realization

2011-02-17T13:26:00.001+05:30

Footsteps of childhood slowly disappeared behind the misty haze of city life. I looked around to find the innocent smile, the wide-eyed gaze, and all I could find was cynicism. Did I lose the child in me? I shivered at the thought. Did I finally become one of them?? One of the adults I smirked at as a 13-year-old? I closed my eyes and looked deep inside, and there she was, the little Chhandita I had known years ago. I so wanted her back. she smiled and said “I was never away, I am the one who feels the bliss when raindrops touches your face, when the smell of the wet earth wafts in I am the one who closes my eyes and feels like I am in heaven, you can never shut me out, try as hard as you want” I opened my eyes and smiled, the smile of self discovery.

Re-posting

2011-02-12T17:22:00.005+05:30

I love this video so much, couldn't help re-posting it for your viewing pleasure!

Danny at 14 months.

It always make me smile :)

How does it feel to have saved a life?

2011-02-11T12:05:00.002+05:30

Tuesday night M got a call from a long lost friend. The friends father in law while traveling from city P to city B had collapsed in the train. He was traveling alone. The train was to pas through our city in an hour. She asked M to please check how he was. M not only went to the train station to check on him, but got him off the train, put him on an ambulance, and got him admitted to a hospital. M stayed with him till his relatives flew down here.

M actually saved that man's life. I wonder how that feels. M simply shrugs it off.

There are times (they are more frequent now) when I want to leave M. I am having a lots of second thoughts about our marriage. But one thing I cannot take away from him. M is a great human being and I love him for that.

There is so much I need to write. About my marriage. About shit I was going through. About being an imperfect mother but I get no time. Danny naps only once in the day time, and when he does I nap along with him. He still not sleeping through the night, and this is the only way for him to get some sleep.

But thanks for checking on me :)

WTF!

2011-02-08T14:37:00.002+05:30

My story? Danny is ill, taking antibiotic shots for the last 5 days and the nurse at clinic? she rolls her eyes when my D starts crying...yeah, I surely need to tell my 16 month old to be brave! hell, he is being such a nuisance to others. SO what if he was ill this whole last week? So what if he had taken 5 shot in his little tush? So what if he today has rashes all over his body, and had blood taken - second time in less then a week?

Shit happens

2011-02-07T20:40:00.001+05:30

Its happening way too regularly in my life. I NEED A BREAK. God I so need a break from all this shit.

Hurts to see him cry

2011-02-04T11:23:00.004+05:30

Danny is unwell. He is suffering from fever since Monday. Yesterday his temp reached 104! Doctor Said he needs to be hospitalized. Thankfully, our regular ped said he has tonsils and needs antibiotic shots for the next 5 days. Poor baby! My heart breaks to see him suffer like this.

M couldn't come to the doc yesterday as he had deadlines at work. I totally understand. What I don't understand is why he had to go meet his friends after work for a few drinks?

I am angry...

Wordless Wednesday (Kinda)

2011-01-27T20:18:00.004+05:30

Leg braces - unused since September 26th 2010. Since Danny walked. No more sleepless nights helping Danny roll over with those heavy braces on. Danny is a champion. He has beaten the odds.

Danny's play Gym - A gift from Danelle, sent all the way from US of A. Danelle, the person Danny is named after. A dear friend I have never even met.

Finally!!!

2011-01-27T10:33:00.003+05:30

Someone has recognized my contribution to the blogosphere and given an award!!! I discovered
Athena from A Field of Dreams through ICLW. Go check out her blog. Its amazing! Thanks so much Athena! I hope to follow her journey and learn from her.

Here's how this award works:

1. Thank and link back to the person who gave you the award.
2. Share 7 things about yourself.
3. Award 15 recently discovered great bloggers.
4. Make sure you contact these bloggers to let them know about the award.

7 things about me:

1. I love sci-fi. Am a complete nerd like that. Hope to do a PHD on sci-fi literature one day!
2. I met my husband though the net! met him twice before we got married!
3. I am an insomniac :(
4. I love to eat! I eat soo much its not funny! The best part? I never gain any weight... ;-)
5. There are two people I could kill for - Danny and my brother Joy.
6. My biggest dream is to create an animal shelter.
7. My name means poetic.

It was tough to find the 15 blogs to forward this award to. I mean I have recently discovered soo many new wonderful blogs! So I decided to go for top 10.

But here are the ones I enjoy the most:
1. Surly Mama
2. Mrs D
3. Mission: Fertile soul
4. Cooked Headsile
5.Stout Ranch
6. In Pursuit of Parenthood
7. Runny Yolk
8. One Wheeler's World
9. Party of Five
10. Infert Myrtle

Indian Maharaja!

2011-01-25T11:32:00.005+05:30

I realized that I never got around to posting Danny's birthday pic! So here it is :) (Four months late)

Did I ever mention how dysfunctional M's family is? There is a lot I cannot mention here coz its simply too personal. But here are two gems from their rudeness/silliness/whatever.

Incident 1. So we had a small family occasion at home recently (In M's family, small means 30 people!). The guest list included one of M's close aunt with a two year old toddler. Okay so they arrive and immediately this kiddo starts trying to pick up my 14 month old. I gently tell him not too. All this time the parents are just busy talking to others. Danny then brings out one of his toys and immediately this 2 year old grabs it and starts playing. Danny obviously wants his toy back. I did what I thought would be the best plan of action to quell any temper tantrums from either kids. I bring another toy and give it to Danny. Again the 2 year old grabs it. I then sat down with them and told them to play together. The mother just sat their and kept saying Danny is so naughty. The 2 year old finally took Danny's toy and sat alone playing with it. So I grabbed D, took out his favorite book..and well D got distracted and didn't create a scene..I planted a kiss on his forehead and said 'Good boy'..and this other lady? She gave me DAGGER looks..and another family member said that by telling D that he was a good boy I was actually saying the other is not! I mean is that wacko or something?
Then later, I was teaching D to count (he says one when I ask him to count..cute!!!) and this kids father tell another member (within my earshot) that first I need to learn to count (my husband's family speak a different language). I finally lost it, turned towards him...and counted till 10, in their language.

Incident 2. One of M's relative (his father's sister) told ME, on my face, that Danny looked like me, thus he wasn't cute. WOW!!!!!!!

Also my bloggy friend at A Field of Dreams gave me an award!

I need to rush now, so I will post more about the award in my next post.

So long peeps!!

PS: I simply loved this ICLW experience. I have discovered so many new beautiful blogs. Thanks Mel.

Loss...

2011-01-20T20:28:00.002+05:30

We have all experienced loss, in one of its myriad forms. No matter what form it takes, we are filled with emptiness, and a pain that wrenches our gut. The two most devastating and life changing losses I have experienced were the death of my father and miscarriage. These two events changed me, left a scar which time cannot heal. But what I want to write about today is such a different feeling. I don't know if anyone out there would even understand what I am feeling, leave alone empathising with the sense of loss I am feeling now. But I need to write. I need to get it all out of my system because its eating me away from inside.

When I got married 5 years ago, I not only moved to a new city, but to a new culture, a new language, and a new family. M came with a package - his mom, his granny and his cousin brother whom we shall call A. A lost his father even before he was born (his mom was 3 months pregnant with A when her husband died) and well A had lived a life of a nomad since then. A few days here, a few days there. His mom, I was told wasn't a good mother. I will not comment on that since that involve other people. Anyways, when I got married, M decided that A should move in with us. He didn't ask me. I supported him. A was then 7 years old. My MIL wasn't really happy with that decision which finally led to a huge showdown with MIL moving in with her daughter, where she still resides. I was the bitch, because I had not supported MIL.

Things were definitely not easy but days passed. I ' learned' to be a mother, because I had to mother A. I never really had child free married life! We had to plan everything around A, his school days. I stayed awake when he was ill, I took him to the doctor. I supported him when everyone refused to understand him, I I cooked him his favourite dishes, and packed his lunch.. And A loved me back in return. He is now12. And things are getting more difficult, but he still listens to me. But things have changed. A's mother calls me names because well, of the way I parent (I make him do chores, the way I will make Danny do chores). I feel devastated each time I hear her say something bad about me. I didn't ask for any of it! It wasn't easy for me. I didn't do it for myself! But that is not what the loss is about.

A will leave, soon I guess. And that hurts. I am filled with envy. I know the feeling is senseless and selfish, more the reason that I cannot share it with anybody. He had moved back with his mom a couple of months ago, and I used stay awake at night. I used to go to his room, see his empty bed and cry. Does it make any sense? He is here with me now, don't know when he will move away. But I am felt with dread. I know am wrong to feel like this but I cannot help but feel like this. The pain IS gut wrenching and when A leaves there will be a hole in my heart and life...

ICLW

Hi, I am completely new to ICLW. but if you are visiting me, leave a comment. As Mel says, comments are the new hug, and we can all do with a few hugs eh? Each time I read a comment, my days seems a little brighter, and it makes me smile. :-)

A new year...

2011-01-09T19:53:00.002+05:30

Things are so confusing for me right now. Am still not working, partly because I don't want to leave Danny at a daycare, but mainly because my health is so fcuking low! Finding a job at this time isn't easy but but my health is what is worrying me. I have always been skinny and underweight so I don't think the exhaustion i feel is because of my weight. I can't eat properly, i am nauseous (NOT PREGNANT!), dizzy, and have NO energy. I have an appointment with the doctor tomorrow. Hope everything is okay. I get nightmares that I am dying and Danny is crying for me!!! M wants me to start working so he can quit his job and start practicing law (he is a part time law student). I am scared of losing our steady income. I am just not ready to be sole earning member -again! I want to study, I want to do a PHD. What about my dreams? I need to feel better soon. in fact that's my resolution for this year. I WILL GET BETTER...

TTC Diary: Can't believe I am TTC again! CD10 today. Should O soon. My cycles have really been acting weird after giving birth. Earlier I used have 30 day cycles- without fail. Now they fluctuate between 25 days and 35 days! I am beginning to feel that Danny will be our only child and that just makes me so sad. Our adoption plans are more or less out of the window as we have been told that we will be placed with a child in 4 years. We are low priority you see. Why? Because we already have a biological child. I CANNOT wait for 4 years. I will have no energy to be a good parent at that age. (no offence to people parenting at an older age. But I know my body). So if we conceive within the next 4 cycles..hurrah!!! otherwise....

I don't really know...

2010-12-29T14:36:00.002+05:30

why I do this to myself. AF arrived today. Ending the second month we have been TTC #2. Yeah, we are on the roller coaster, again. But I gave up even before we began. M wants to try for 6 months. I don't know why. I don't know why we have to walk this path again. I am actually counting down the months. Two down, four to go. Who are we kidding? Even when we have no hope, we still allow us to fantasize a little don't we? Like yesterday, I actually googled 'early pregnancy symptoms! Again, who am I kidding? But you l know what? It still hurts. Two cycles would have meant nothing if it hadn't been so hard the first time around. I don't know if am making any sense.

What do you do when you are upset?

2010-12-10T11:09:00.003+05:30

Cut your own hair!

I did just that. Last Sunday, I was feeling really really lonely and upset, so took a scissor, and cut D's hair. And I didn't stop there, I went ahead cut my own hair too! Talk about being impulsive.

Before and after

Wordless Wednesdays

2010-12-08T16:31:00.002+05:30

Danny reading a newspaper!

2010-12-01T21:42:00.002+05:30

I couldn't flip the video but HAD to share it!

History of the humble "HPT"

2010-11-23T18:53:00.002+05:30

Here is some background on the history of much loved/equally hated home pregnancy test. Borrowed from http://listverse.com/2010/11/23/top-10-shocking-historical-beliefs-and-practices/

It is an advantage for a woman to understand that she is pregnant before having a child. It allows her to mentally prepare for the birth and prevent herself from using drugs and alcohol. As you can imagine, world history is full of bizarre techniques that were used to test for human pregnancy. In ancient Greece and Egypt, watered bags of wheat and barley were used for this purpose. The female would urinate on the bags and if a certain type of grain spouted, it indicated that she was going to have a child. Hippocrates suggested that if a woman suspected she was pregnant, she should drink a solution of honey water at bedtime. This would result in abdominal cramps for a positive test.

During medieval times, many scientists performed uroscopy, which is an ineffective way of examining a patient’s urine. In 1928, a major breakthrough in the development of pregnancy tests was made when two German gynecologists named Selmar Aschheim and Bernhard Zondek introduced an experiment with the hormone human chorionic gonadotropin (hCG). Before this time, hCG was thought to be produced by the pituitary gland, but in the 1930s, Georgeanna Jones discovered that hCG was produced by the placenta. This discovery was vital in the development of modern day pregnancy tests, which rely heavily on hCG as an early marker of pregnancy.

In 1927, Zondek and Aschheim developed the rabbit test. The test consisted of injecting the woman’s urine into a female rabbit. The rabbit was then examined over the next couple days. If the rabbit’s ovaries responded to the female’s urine, then it was determined that hCG was present and the woman was pregnant. The test was a successful innovation and it accurately detected pregnancy. The rabbit test was widely used from the 1930s to 1950s. All rabbits that were used in the program had to be surgically operated on and were killed. It was possible to perform the procedure without killing the rabbits, but it was deemed not worth the trouble and expense. Today, modern science has evolved away from using live animals in pregnancy tests, but the rabbit test was considered a stepping stone during the middle of the 20th century.

Skinny mom

2010-11-22T20:01:00.008+05:30

A lot is discussed about the problems faced by overweight mothers. I am still to come across an article discussing the problems faced by naturally thin women. Naturally thin women …They do exist!! They do face discrimination, and life is as tough for them as it is for an overweight woman…. Today, people from all over the world want to ban skinny models. Now skinny is OUT. When was it ever IN? Oprah Winfrey went as far as to say that ‘Real women have curves”! Well, then I am not much of a woman!! I am 5'2 and Weigh about 105 pounds. Skinny? Yeah, that I am, super skinny—But Anorexic? NO!!!!!...

Not all skinny girls/women are anorexic, or suffer from some eating disorder. And they are real women too! But who is going to listen. I have always been skinny, tried everything under the sun to put on weight. All those high calorie diets, visits to the doctor, working out in the gym, even taking birth control pills with a non-existent sex life!! Nothing worked. I was 85 pounds for at least 10 years. No fluctuations. My weight just refused to move. I tried hard to accept myself, to make peace with my body, but the whole world seemed more worried about my weight. I had strangers coming up and asking me to eat something. I tried being polite and smile, I tried being rude and telling them to sod off. I actually came up with witty remarks to get at them. Once when a filled out Punjabi aunty (In Delhi), sitting besides me in the bus, remarked “why are you so thin beta, don’t you eat anything?” I replied, with my best poor me look “ No, Aunty, my mother refuses to feed me, can I come and eat at your place”. I know it was rude of me, but I do run out of patience. I still get those comments, so I m learning to just ignore them.

It’s not easy being skinny. People stare at me and make comments, which are plain and simply INSULTING. I am a happy, healthy 31-year-old woman. Though, people refuse to accept the healthy part.

I have a small built, and no matter how much weight I put on, I can never be voluptuous. Period. But I have faced such insulting situations that they have left a deep scar on my psyche. My boyfriend left me when I was 16 and told everyone “she is too skinny". I cried, I scratched my body. I hated myself. It took me years to even look myself in the mirror.

I am 31 now, and I still get mistaken for being a college girl. I am pretty happy actually (who wants to look old huh?) I gave birth last year and that much wanted curvy body, but breastfeeding and running after a toddler has taken me back to my skinny body.

For years, I have faced those scornful stares. Just because I don’t fit into that idea of what a woman should look like!! No matter how much I have achieved as a career woman, or as a sister, daughter or wife, and now a mom to a 1 year old. I am still branded as that skinny girl.

We all want to feel beautiful -- fat or thin, short or tall, dark, or fair. Why can’t we just let people be? Why can’t we let people be happy and beautiful from inside?

This is me, yup am a skinny mom. Won't mind gaining a few pounds. But what I need is to make peace with my body.

WTF?

2010-11-21T12:39:00.001+05:30

http://community.nytimes.com/comments/travel.nytimes.com/2010/11/14/travel/14babies-journeys.html

No, I mean seriously..WTF?

Well, Its NOT easy to travel with a child. I wish people would try and understand. I try and do my best to take care of my child in public but how much can you discipline a 1 year old for God's sake?

TTC again?

2010-11-10T11:30:00.002+05:30

I so want to!!! I want to be pregnant again...I want to see a BFP again...But I no longer have the energy..physical or emotional. I cannot go through years of heart ache...But I so want to give birth again...anybody else feeling like this?

Danny's day out

2010-10-25T09:29:00.002+05:30

Can you believe this?

2010-10-22T09:34:00.002+05:30

http://www.cbsnews.com/stories/2010/10/21/ap/asia/main6977866.shtml

I mean..HOW??? its a baby out there for God's sake....

Walking!!!

2010-09-27T21:05:00.002+05:30

Danny took his first steps on the 22nd and today he just walked across the room!! We worked hard on his PT and it paid off!! Our physio had told us that when it came to standing and walking, Danny will face developmental delays. He didnt!! My son? He is a fighter...Am off to record his walking dxploits for DADA...

Happy Birthday Danny!!!

2010-09-16T13:09:00.003+05:30

Dear Danny,

One year!! what an adventure it has been...sleep deprived, over worked, living on the whims of a tiny babe...it has all been worth it...Happy Birthday Danny....momma loves you...I am so glad you took your first steps before I went back to work full time. Its bittersweet. You are growing beautifully, but a part of me misses that newborn Danny...where did time go?

Your dada adores you, but you know that. Biu its not just momma and dada...people seem to fall in love with you wherever you go!!! If and when you read this, I want you to know how loved you were and still are. Where ever we go, people ask if they can take your photographs...and no you are not the usual chubby little babe..in fact you are a skinny little thing...my skinny little bubba...

I love you...

Momma.

Picture Perfect

2010-08-18T19:22:00.002+05:30

Feeling Proud!!

2010-08-04T20:26:00.002+05:30

M's 4th semester law results are in. He has got 6th rank amongst 250 student. Not bad for a guy who works full time, and is also a hands on father!!! Am so proud of him...

Where did the time go?

2010-07-23T09:05:00.003+05:30

Danny is 10 months old...time sure is flying. What is he upto? Crawling up a storm, standing, crusing. Says mama and dada and HI!!! waves goodbye, claps, blows kisses (its too damn cute) and actually says muaahww...he points to things like the fan. can actually point out an apple, a dog in his book. Is trying to says his name (when we say "say Agastya" he says "atta" lol)

What he is NOT doing!

Not really eating his solids..he just tastes stuff..far far away from three solid meals...

Sleeping through the night. Does NOT sleep more then 4-5 hours at a stretch. Its been more then a year since I slept more then 5 hours at a stretch....

His leg is still not perfect. we need to continue with the treatment for 2 more months. But the doc says his leg will be perect.

What about me? well as my last post made clear, am tired. I have lost a ton of weight. I need to gain weight. Its not easy to do it all alone with almost no help. I am sleep deprived and have developed insomnia now. I can't sleep even when Danny sleeps. I have avoided taking sleeping pills but now I think I do need some kind of treatment. I need some ME time...

Here is a picture of my big boy :)

Cry for help?

2010-07-22T12:52:00.001+05:30

The fear creeps in. The fear of dying, the fear of suffering. My health is in tatters. I hate feeling so weak and helpless. I know I don’t look good at the moment. I have lost too much weight. Yes, I do hate not looking my best, but I can live with that. But I CANNOT live a life which is so full of feeling sick. What is wrong with my body? I want to take care of Danny. I want to play with him. I want to teach him things. But now, all I want when he is awake is for him to nap, so I can sleep too. I am missing out on his growing up because I am so stressed and weak. I am unable to keep up with him. He is hyperactive. He is adorable. But All I seem to notice is how many hours he has been awake so I can take him for his nap…I hate it all…

Baby Blues...

2010-07-18T19:46:00.002+05:30

As an 18 year old, my ultimate dream was to own a house, a car, adopt a child and live happily ever after. I was not interested in getting married, and although I dated on and off, nothing serious ever came out of fit.

This aversion to marriage was actually due to a deep seated fear of pregnancy and giving birth, and this fear took a vice like grip on my psyche after the birth of my nephew in 2005. My sister was in a 12 hour labour and I was there with her through the night…After that experience I vowed that I will never have a baby….My views did not change even after my marriage in 2006.. Remember the saying “Careful what you wish for, it just might come true?”

In April 2007, I had a Chemical Pregnancy*. Although we were not trying for a baby and I was officially pregnant for just a week, that one week changed me completely….I felt like a mother and fell in love with that feeling…

Isn’t it ironic? When people don’t want a baby, they seem to conceive in a jiffy and when a baby is really craved for, it becomes an issue of dealing with your stress levels, charting, and timing it just right!

My (ex) doctor started talking about Assisted Conception* in the 2nd month itself. But I and my husband were healthy, were we not? All our tests came out positive, then why did I need assistance? This got her started on her favourite topic “the stress in our lives today….” Needless to say I dropped her and found another doctor who seemed more interested in me than in my money…

I also found numerous online forums and learnt a new language altogether. Figure this *“ We have been TTC for five months now. I have been regularly charting my cycle and O’ing on time. Each month I hope for a BFP but AF seems to have fallen in love with me, and cant stay away from me even for a month” Sounds Greek? Wait till you start trying for a baby!

People say that I should not stress about it, that stress makes it difficult to conceive. But how can one not stress?

First society creates the pressure to get married, and then to have a baby. Is this because it is unlikely that a couple will separate once they have a child? One of my ‘wise’ friends enlightened me to this fact, and it does make some sense honestly…..

Ok, so where are the people who were asking me not to stress? Can they please ask people around me to stop obsessing about my baby first and give me some breathing space?

Trying for a baby IS stressful. Each month, for over 2 years, I hoped for a missed period, but each month it arrived like clock work, and at least for two days after that I was filled with intense sadness…Had the wish I made in utter ignorance come true?

And to make matters worse, everyone I knew seemed to be pregnant. It felt like a universal conspiracy!

When a couple is trying, the time they spend together tends to become mechanical. Here is a sample conversation “Oh! I think I am ovulating, its time to get to work” What ever happened to spontaneity and romance? And here I do not talk about people who are fortunate enough to have conceived within a month or 2 of trying……

Some plain speak for woman out there who are trying to conceive: For an average, healthy couple, the average time to conceive is between 6 months to a year (Source-Hours of Internet surfing!)And here we were, thinking it was as simple as the handsome man meeting the beautiful saree clad woman drenched to the bone, on a dark stormy night. A flash of lightening, eyes meet, pigeons neck each other, two flowers kiss one another and voila, nine months later the woman has a baby in her lap! If only this was real life…

* A CHEMICAL PREGNANCY refers to pregnancy loss very early on. In a chemical pregnancy, it is thought that an egg is fertilized but fails to implant. As a result, your body does not begin to produce the obvious signs of pregnancy. Because a chemical pregnancy occurs so early in a pregnancy, most women never even realize they are pregnant. When they receive their period, they just assume they were a few days late.

*Assisted Conception: The use of medical techniques, such as drug therapy, artificial insemination, or in vitro fertilization, to enhance fertility.

* We have been Trying To Conceive for the last five months now. Charting my cycle and Ovulating on time. Each month I hope for a Big Fat Positive (positive line in a pregnancy test) but Aunt Flow (periods) seems to have fallen in love with me, and can’t stay away from.

Bad mother?

2010-06-16T19:04:00.003+05:30

Go Danny go!!!

2010-06-09T19:02:00.000+05:30

Danny is crawling!! Wow and is he fast...but the best thing? He is pulling himself to stand. I know, I know, its pretty normal for babies his age to do so. But this little guy was unable to bear weight on his leg this time last month. Walking is still a long way off..but our gutsy boy is a fighter. His PT seems to be working (toucwood).

But I have a problem, and I need help from all you mommas. My kid is a small thing..He will always be. He iss following his own curve and doing well...but he WONT eat solids! on a good day, he gulps down whatever we give him. unfortunately the good days are rare. Very, very rare. Any ideas?